my journal 3

come on, let's hold out for the rest of the month - results are practically guaranteed!

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Over any period of 4 weeks, during the 69 weeks of observing this selection of systems, the probability of losing money is 9% (6 in 66).

The probability of losing real money is only 3 in 66.

Come on let's hold out!
 
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Yeah, the day is over. And it is painful to watch -600 instead of the plus 500 it was showing earlier. But that is the nature of my time exits. They work, but they're not perfect. I could not do better. Being profitable is good enough for me.

Painful day. I peeked so many times. But didn't tamper. I peeked like 20 times.

What now?

Another day and then another, and on and on.

But the really tough part will be this month. I'm going to need a whole lot of movies. One new movie every day. 3 movies to go this week. Then... as of today, 15 more movies to go. 15 movies separate me from profit.

It's going to be tough discipline. I am not kidding. Making yourself go to the movies every day is like a job. Try making yourself eat one ice cream every day. It won't be so pleasant after a while. That's the same reason a job is unpleasant: because you have to do it. That's why my roommate is unpleasant, too: because i have to be with him every day.

I was just thinking about my avatar. How interesting that after so many years it represents exactly what i am doing. But it's not a coincidence. I'm going to the movies because i've always liked movies. And that is my favorite movie, right there: taxi driver. But then, in a movie, it's not rare that a director puts in it another movie - because also directors like movies a lot. So obviously whoever has an avatar from a movie is more likely to be close to what that avatar represents than someone who doesn't have that avatar.

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Wow, i was looking on youtube for a clip with him at the movie theater and i ran across this excellent collage of images - of course if you haven't seen the movie, don't watch this video, and see the movie first ("SPOILER ALERT").

Taxi Driver Theme - Bernard Herrmann (1976) - YouTube

chillingly excellent video, also thanks to the soundtrack and movie itself, but excellent choice and editing.

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Yeah, there I am. Everything matches, even the killing rampage I'll do at the office. Somehow when you see this video, there's no smoke, but you see smoke. The atmosphere evoked makes you see cigarette smoke even if it isn't there.

Yep, I'm definitely going to direct a movie if I make enough money and live long enough. For now I am a director of my own writing. My words, concepts, ideas, images are my actors: i decide what they do and where they stand. That's already a good part of being a director.
 
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One more day, with the usual struggles:

1) keeping my roommate at a distance because he's too uncivilized to bear
2) keeping my compulsive gambling at bay by going to the movies

At first it was hard work to keep my roommate at a distance, but now that he's getting the message, you won't believe how relaxing the day is, when you don't have this nimrod asking you ten times a day if you want to eat one of his fruits, how you're feeling, asking you to smile, getting you involved in conversations with other colleagues - unnecessary ones, not related to work.

Asking someone if he wants to eat some fruits ten times a day and placing the fruits, sometimes peeled, on his desk is ****ing harassment in a velvet glove.

Oh, and the thing that I miss the least are his talks about our work ethic: "we do things this way... because we have a strong sense of duty". He thinks that by talking about my sense of duty he is flattering me, but the problem is that he puts me in the same category as himself, which is a huge insult to me, since he has no work ethic whatsoever.
 
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Yeah, ok, I came back. Didn't kill myself yet.

So, I went to this movie, Ted:
Ted (2012) - IMDb

Some good moments, some funny lines, not boring, but sometimes unnecessarily vulgar, and then at one point they used a goose, whether real or fake, it wasn't funny. I don't laugh at animals being used and abused in movies. So I just got up and left. But this movie kept me seated for about 45 minutes so it wasn't that bad.

I am very hopeful for the markets, because there's just so many trades open that it's unlikely that they'll all be bad. Or else i'd be losing thousands, which is rare.

I'll look at the battlefield in an instant.

First let's just mention that the roommate insisted again (today only twice) that i eat some of his fruits, and asked me what i ate on my way out, and i told him the truth: i don't like to be forced to eat fruits, and that i felt this thing of eating his fruits had become kind of "compulsory" and that's why i had stopped. So now he got offended that i told him... that i used the word "mandatory", and... you see, this guy is a ****ing retard. The best thing is to just not talk to him. Because if you talk to him, he either gets offended, or if you joke back, he'll punch you in the arm. **** this - he can call me "his friend" all he wants, but I don't want a friend who produces just trouble for me, who is more of a threat as a friend than as an enemy. Some people can't wait to gain the status of "friend" in order to harass you more. This is him. I need to prolong my distancing effort from him. Now he knows I am watching movies - my mistake for telling him - and he's telling me he is interested in movies. He'll do anything in order to talk to me, but the problem is that I don't see what's there to gain from having a relationship with this guy - except being punched really hard in my arm again. In a way, I am the one who has a reputation for being a psycho, maybe, but in reality these pushy people are the psychos and I am the victim. All these guys do not keep their distance of one meter from me and I feel like melvin udall

As Good As It Gets - Melvin Walking to Restaurant - YouTube

Let's hope I'll eventually manage to make him consider me like a lady or a boss, and that he has to keep his distance of one meter from me at all times. Even with my parents i keep my distance of 1 meter. I don't go and put my hand on their shoulder as i talk to them. Animals!

Let's look at the battlefield now, I am very hopeful:

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Yeah, not good. But there's still many hours to go. So it could also get worse. Capital at about 11k.

...

It got a little better now but I am still losing hundreds for the day.

It looks like this will be it for today. I need to recover some sleep from waking up several times every night of this week due to these mother ****ing neighbours slamming doors (the neighbour bitch) and screaming at night (the exorcist child).

...

wrong again: now it's profitable by a bit more than 100 dollars. Who knows. 2 more hours to go. I'll try to sleep now.
 
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Got it on facebook. One of the clearest examples that chemtrails are a reality:

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as usual facebook and youtube suck in terms of research/reference tools and all i can do is take a picture of it and copy/paste the links.

Patent US7413145 - Aerial delivery system - Google Patents
Evergreen Supertanker

Here's another proof other than our everyday sky itself:

HAARP Chemtrail Whistleblower Pilot Exposes Video Truth Evidence - YouTube


Now, if this is true and it's being done at such a high cost to us taxpayers, and yet at the same time it's being hidden from us, hidden and denied so insistently, does it mean it's good or bad?
 
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Damn human resources. I just had the yearly talk, and she told me they'd pay me two years of salary to quit my job at the bank. It'd be awesome, but 1) i take it as an insult that they're paying me if i leave (rather than begging me to stay) and 2) my parents would call me crazy, and i don't want to disappoint them. But this would have been an awesome opportunity to live from trading. Who knows, maybe I'll change my mind.

Then another bad news is that she said the bank encourages mobility or whatever it's called in english, and she said sooner or later i'll have to move from the office that i hate so much to another office that i hate even more. This is the part that really really sucks.

The good part is that my boss approved my new part-time schedule: same six daily hours, but anticipated by 30 minutes. I wanted to anticipate by one hour so I would see my colleague for an hour less (he comes at 10 am and i'd be leaving one hour earlier), but the boss didn't accept. I guess he doesn't expect me to be moving to another office soon.

Next year I'll come at 8.30 and leave at 14.30. This is the good news.

The problems are that my managers/bosses suck, don't appreciate me, and that human resources always sugarcoats things so you never know what they're really thinking. What she said is bad enough, but probably there's more she's not even telling me.

Whatever it may be, I am aware that I am right, and they're wrong. No matter what they have said against me. The more they said, the more they're wrong and dishonest. My conscience is clean, they're a bunch of dishonest slackers and probably the only thing that's wrong with me is that I don't go talk soccer with them and don't have those two hours long coffee breaks. What is wrong with me is that I don't kiss up basically. The excuses for moving me are many: 1) i'm on part-time so i am not that useful (yet i work more than those who are here for 10 hours), 2) there's a habit of moving people around.

At any rate I haven't been moved yet. We'll see if and when it happens. Another thing that sucks is having these fears of instability and not being in control of your career. But this of course happens to almost everyone who's not the boss of the company.

[...]

What a... sad experience. An office is a place where a lot of backstabbing takes place, at least in my experience.

However, this is my life, and this is my journal, so what is good about this experience is that it's true and i am reporting it on my journal.

It will evolve, maybe into nothing or maybe into something very bad. I'll report it here. And what'll be good about it is that I am reporting it.

So ok: these guys don't like me - not a big surprise - and they want to get rid of me, but don't know exactly how to get rid of me, or don't want to get rid of me that bad, or i'd have been gone a long time ago. Or maybe someone is protecting me and i don't know. Here I don't know who's my friend and who's my enemy. Maybe the people who are pissing me off the most are actually my friends.

But, since I've been hurt before, in order to avoid any disappointments, I am assuming they're all my enemies, so I always end up getting nice surprises when I find out that someone likes me or appreciates my work. But then again, they're not as many as I'd expect (everyone should acknowledge my superiority and hard work), so I am disappointed anyway.

Like Mr. Wolf would say, "Just because you are a Character, Doesn't mean you have it". In my case I am definitely a character but I also have character. Well, whatever. Usually being a character is intended in a negative way, but since people are so stupid, by being a character you can't really go wrong.

At any rate, what I achieved is that starting next year, I will be leaving at 14.30 and that the human resources lady had a personal exchange with me (we talked for an hour as usual) and she probably is not one of my enemies, but you never know, so I am expecting nothing good from her. From now on, my compliment to people should be "you're not one of my worst enemies".

...

Regarding being a character, one more thing to say. The way I write the journal here is a good example: I wanted to speak my mind and wanted to have readers, so I seized the opportunity. By not writing the usual "entered here long", "exit there", I am being "original", using a negative term I am being a "character". If this is the punishment for not conforming and saying what's on my mind, then I prefer to be called a "character" by some (while being appreciated by others) than to have to be quiet. The same applies to everything else. If not talking about soccer with my colleagues and not taking part in their stupid chitchat is going to cause me to be moved after 6 years here, then the hell with them. It is a terrible feeling not being appreciated for how you are, but... I can't change for them. Just because I consider them so worthless. I am not going to become worthless to suit them. And I guess that's why I am not being appreciated maybe: because I consider them worthless. But I can't change that either.

In fact, now that i've learned that I am at risk... I'm gonna be even colder and more distant. I'll be on autopilot and emotionally dead. And no sense of humor.

...

Damn, the boss just came and had the nerve to ask me how the meeting with human resources went - usual godfather style. If anything went wrong in my meeting, it is completely his fault. But he asked me how it went anyway. Then I told him most of the truth, sugarcoated - I could not get into an argument of course.

And he said "job rotation", as he called it in italian, is not immediate and it applies to everyone, even himself - he said he's supposed to be changed within one year. Let's hope he rotates before me, because that'd mean I wouldn't rotate at all.

Probably, if he's not mad at me, he's going to spare me. It depends on his mood whether i get whacked or not, like Morris and Jimmy Conway in Goodfellas.

Yep. I am proud of one thing. I did tell him what was on my mind, though sugarcoated. I didn't say "yes, sure" when he asked the usual "is everything ok?" ("tutto bene?"). Most stupid question we hear over here, on a daily basis. Several times. And you're supposed to answer "yes" every time. I said "well..." and told him what I could of the truth. Not the whole truth though. Just part of it.
 
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All right, back home.

Tried yet another movie theater, "fiamma". Then I went to the hard rock cafe and ate some... shrimps and chicken with some other mexican ingredients... recipe. Can't remember the name.

For being a depressing day, after the talk with human resources and "job rotation" which really means "the boss dislikes you", I handled it very well. Normally I would have come home and traded discretionary.

My boss Jimmy Conway may decide to not get rid of me in the end. He changes his mind every day. So let him bluff all he wants, pretending he didn't tell the human resources lady that he wants to be rid of me.

How did i handle it:

1) bought ticket
2) went to a bar and drank a beer
3) went and watched 45 minutes of the movie, then left - it didn't suck too badly
4) went to hard rock cafe and ate my non-vegan meal and drank two more beers, all part of my new non-tampering methodology

Still drunk as i type.

Let's now check the... battlefield, I hope I didn't miss any trades due to lack of margin:

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The good news is that I didn't miss any trades and didn't tamper. The bad news is that the systems lost about 2000 dollars. Most of it on the NG_ID_2 trade. Might have done even worse had I tampered.

We'll see how it evolves during the day.

I was expecting a week when I'd lose 4000 dollars. This might be it. I've already lost 3000, since reaching a peak of 12,500 a few days ago.

Good thing I can still trade after this.

Some readers may be happy about this, because they didn't believe in my systems and said to hold out so we'd see if they work or if they don't. It doesn't matter if they fail: it's all statistics. You may be right and lose, and you may be wrong and win. All that matters is that the stats were in favor of using the systems, and they were.

...

I may be done with watching movies, because I am tired of drinking all these beers. Besides, I got a little bit used to not trading. It worked. At the same time, I might relapse.

If I could just replace going to the movies with sleeping at home, i'd save money and beer belly. Yeah, because i am getting one despite my vegan diet. You can keep your weight at the same level by being vegan, but if you drink beer, you still get a beer belly.

Let's live. Let's live to see what the future has in store for me. I am much better than the crappy situation I am in and things are bound to get better for me, provided something unexpected doesn't happen. I am relying on my fate, which means I am relying on probability. Such crappy people as my colleagues cannot be doing better than me for too long. I don't believe I have anything to fear from the future. Things are bound to get better.

I mean, take work: they're a bunch of mediocre people and they could even gang up on me, out of envy, out of whatever, and fire me. So what? Things are still bound to get better, maybe sharply better because of getting fired. Provided nothing unexpected happens, my situation will improve.

There we go. We're talking probability again. If you do things according to probability, you can't say you "have nothing to fear", but you can say that odds are on your side. And right now I believe odds are on my side. I haven't been acting according to wise-ass stats. I behave according to my morals, but even my morals in the long run yield good results, overall. Even hard-working people who do not kiss up have a good outcome in the end. Maybe I won't become a politician or even a CEO. But by being honest and sincere and hard-working and intelligent I am not going to be prone to failure. Even hard work pays off. Not just kissing up, socializing, lying, dishonesty. Honesty and hard-work have some rewards, other than spiritual and psychological. I'll keep going based on my ideals, and disregard the fact that everyone else is behaving differently. I believe in myself even at a time when everyone seems to be ganging up on me. Yep, I believe in myself and believe that I am much better than the whole bank put together. I don't care how low-ranking an employee I am.

I like beer, though. It puts me in a relaxed state of mind and I can enjoy being normal and not obsessing about things for a few hours. The child, the exorcist child beyond the wall, is now screaming the same sentence over and over again, and I don't mind. Go figure that. May he get run over by a roadroller.
 
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oh wow... everything is going against me, i guess i'll just get tougher

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losing 2500 for the day, and 3500 for the week - the famous drawdown i was fearing

equity now at 9k, only slightly above it.

i can only afford one more week like this and then i have blown out my account

I guess i can easily fight the present situation by simply getting tougher, mentally and verbally - i know i can do it if the situation makes it necessary

at any rate, the situation right now is this: 1) demoralized at work and 2) demoralized by my trading systems

What matters now is that I don't do anything crazy such as engaging in compulsive gambling / revenge trading.

The best thing i can do is relax and sleep, but instead i might be sleepless and very unbalanced emotionally
 
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systems have somewhat recovered and now i am at about 10k of capital

father said proposal of two years of salary to make me leave early is a ripoff

still very very depressed

tonight it will be a victory for me if i 1) don't scratch my head and 2) i sleep at least 7 hours

very very low mood

very sad about the state of things at work, about how little it takes to get devalued and defamed: i worked conscientiously ever since i'm at the bank and all it takes to hear crap about myself from human resources is one idiot boss who told her he can't work with me - what if he's the idiot? Why does his opinion have to be worth more than all these years of my work? because according to human resources whatever the boss says is the truth.

Very sad.

two years earlier she had talked to a different boss and she was just as convinced that i was an excellent element, getting along with everyone, helping everyone, outgoing.

Now, different boss, and total reversal of her opinion, according to what my new boss told her

so depressing to deal with ordinary people

despite all this demoralization i am still keeping roommate at a distance, which right now seems like a joke (meaningless worry to educate my roommate when i am at war with the whole bank), i still haven't tampered with the systems, and I am only 24 hours away from the weekend, during which I cannot tamper

...

what i should remember during this drawdown of my life is that i should let go because all it takes usually to cheer up is one compliment the next day or some profitable trades

just like i lost 3500 this week, if i make 3500 next week, i will forget about this - provided i don't despait and start placing discretionary trades

just like i got insulted today, i might forget about this if my boss forgets about whacking me and if i receive some compliments from someone in the office, as often happened recently

damn

i can't believe my stomach is taking well all this instability and that i didn't develop some psychosomatic illness such as ulcer
 
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still awake and still very depressed

it's going to be a boring series of posts but i'll just keep writing until i fall asleep because it helps me

still thinking about work and still hating those few people in the management

however i have a reservoir of hate in me: not done hating my roommate either, and still hating my gossiping aunt as well

guess this is like getting drunk to me - i am leaving my worries on paper (here, i mean)

listening to conspiracy radios, american freedom radio right now
 
i feel the sleep coming - i might be able to fall asleep to this radio, greenwave radio live on american freedom radio
 
Ok, the conspiracy radios really worked. I woke up at 4 am, but I went back to sleep by listening to these radios.

I got about 7 hours of sleep, just as i wanted.

Now the objective is to keep distances from my roommate and to avoid discretionary trading for the rest of the day. And my damage control will have succeeded.

...

Ok, now I am off to work. I will try not to write today, so I can work very intensely and avoid interaction with my roommate - after telling him something yesterday about the human resources meeting, he's going to try to spend the entire day chatting with me about it.

Hopefully I'll manage to win my daily battles and come back home alive. I might skip the movie today and go buy fruits and vegetables instead. Yeah, I am tired of drinking beer.

Let's hope to not let down my readers, and to show some real happiness and success within a limited time. Right now we're going down overall: bad boss, not appreciating me... it's unfortunate and unlucky, but the fact is that, whether he's an idiot or not, a dishonest person as I believe, it is my reputation that's suffering. At least according to what i understood by talking to this lady yesterday. So, all in all, officewise, I am going down, I think. And I am recording it diligently as usual.

Hopefully this will be reversed in some way, or at least compensated by success in trading. I absolutely cannot afford to fail in trading now by adding compulsive gambling to it.
 
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Yo, back at work.

10.41 am and roommate didn't show up yet, much to my pleasure.

People in the next room are talking about sex. In the meanwhile I am working. This injustice cannot go on for much longer: I mean I cannot be the one working the hardest and the only one who gets told that, "due to my part-time schedule, my work capability is not enough". After all I am only doing two hours less than everyone else. But these guys are talking all the time, and their breaks last hours. And I've volunteered to stay full-time again in order not to hear this rubbish.

Somehow this unfairness and injustice will be compensated. By trading, by som...

Damn, he's here. Gotta go. Need to look busy working.
 
Yeah, he left for lunch. And he'll be away for two hours now.

So, wonderful, he worked 2 hours, then he'll resume at 14.30, resume talking on the phone and screwing around that is.

But he's ok, because he socializes and plays ball with everyone - doesn't look down on them. If instead I work honestly all the time - then, since i don't socialize, something is found in my behavior that is reproachable. Excuses are made up so that I can be transferred.

I am still very sad and depressed about the methods of human resources, how they talk, lie, sugarcoat things, contradict themselves... awful experience except when they've got nothing to tell you. But yesterday she had things to tell me so i experienced all the worst of these scumbags who are hired because of how good they are at lying.

...

Today the boss didn't show up because maybe - or... maybe because he feels guilty and can't show his face. Guilty for pretending that everything is ok between us, or even that he cares about me, whereas instead he's totally badmouthing me behind my back with human resources, by spreading falsehoods about my performance. No one can say I am not productive and/or that i don't work hard and produce excellent results. If anyone says so, it means they're lying. Even if he were to phrase it as "he doesn't do much due to his part-time schedule" as it was presented me. But then when i offered to abolish my part-time, the human resources bitch didn't care about it anymore, which showed her bluff, and that it was just an excuse to say i was no good but didn't want to tell me why they wanted to be rid of me. The reason is the boss doesn't like me, of course. But she couldn't tell me that. You see, the boss doesn't like me, but he doesn't even dare to say that i don't work enough, because everyone knows this is a big lie. I guess it's still revenge for how i criticized him for months two years ago, when the ACE team was telling us which things we should change, and I objected to everything he was allowing to happen. Unbelievable. This guy beats me as far as holding grudges. And also as far as being a snake, because I am similar to him in that we don't like to speak too directly to people: I'll never tell him i think he's an idiot, and he'll never tell me what he thinks of me. But i told him everything he was doing wrong, and in front of other colleagues, and he can't forgive me for that, I suppose that's the whole problem between us. It cannot be about the amount of work I do. Bull****.

Anyway, so far, the day is unfolding well, because

1) i slept ok despite these worries
2) I kept my roommate quiet despite his attempts. He did walk towards me, and put his hand on my shoulder again, but I kept looking at him in the eyes, seriously, and he stopped and walked away
3) no compulsive gambling yet, even though that's impossible from here

...

what's still hurting, and I am not surprised since it is just 24 hours after my talk with human resources, is the fact that these mother ****ers are even merely thinking of getting rid of me - let alone speaking about it to me. I am very offended. Other than devising any strategy to fight them, which i might not even do, because it is demeaning to have to fight to stay in a place where the management doesn't want you... other than the concern about whether it'll happen or not, i am very offended about their attempt, their desire, and their pathetic way of informing me about it - with lies and excuses. May they all die in a car crash on their way to one of these motivational meetings they go to.

...

What I am saying is this. The situation is as if you were accused of stealing. The point is not whether you go to jail or not, not whether you can prove it wasn't you. The big problem is that you were accused of stealing in the first place.

How could I fall so low despite working all the time? The only guilt I have is not engaging in soccer talk, avoiding coffee breaks with colleagues, and not kissing up to the boss but telling him when we were doing something wrong. I undermined his authority I guess. That's my mistake. He was a true idiot, and was ruining and did ruin all my excel work and organization of several years, so I felt justified and totally motivated in fighting his action. But this is the consequence.

...

All right, after i leave the office, I will go again to a movie, because today I am still very frustrated and totally at risk of compulsive gambling. There's going to be a lot of margin available because on Friday there are few trades usually. This further increases the risk of compulsive gambling. So I cannot be home. Furthermore, I am in a drawdown at the office and in a drawdown with trading, so this represents a huge risk of revenge trading.
 
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dude. i made it.

it is 7.25 pm and i still haven't checked tws - so this means that i won't do compulsive gambling today

too late to be tempted

soon i'll check the battlefield

watched this:
I padroni di casa (2012)

Stayed about three fourths of the movie

I feel proud of having organized myself so that i can't do compulsive gambling any more

I know myself and i am manipulating myself so i don't screw up

the movies, going to the movies, is the greatest idea

there's enough theaters to be unknown to people

and often when i leave early no one notices because it's dark in the theater and there's side exits so they don't see me

It was a good movie, considering i stayed three fourths of it

up to now, this was the best since i came back from my holiday:
Reality (2012/II)

I must have seen like 10 movies already

ok, let's check the systems

I am definitely hoping for profit today - losses would be very depressing. And unexpected.

7.31 pm - i can afford to look and not risk compulsive gambling, as i'm only two hours and a half from the close

let's look:

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doing good!

The loss on NQ was already there yesterday, so right now I am up, relative to yesterday, by... about 450 dollars.

Capital is above 10k.

Relative to when i started automated trading, I am over 1000 dollars higher.

Yeah, and I started a month ago, so my systems now owe me 5000 dollars, to behave according to expectations. But I did miss that 2000 on the QM, because the margin wasn't there, last week. So... if things work as they did in the past it'll be an extra 3000 the systems owe in the next 4 weeks, so that's about 9000 dollars i should be making.

But I'd be happy with just... 5000. I'll be happy if in 4 weeks I'll have 15k.

Tough week.

And I can't be drinking beer for much longer. I wish I could smoke marijuana, but it's nearly impossible to get for me. I don't know any pushers.

Charles Aznavour: The Old Fashioned Way - YouTube

Yeah... I remember this ad - it's where i first heard this beautiful song:

Mulino Bianco - Venice - YouTube
 
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daily profit fell to as little as 150

very depressing, i am scratching my head again

...

another hour to go, and still at 150

...

ok, finished: made 200 for the day, acceptable

capital at almost 10k

I'll definitely have to wait one more week before knowing if I'll blow out the account or get rich
 
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Wow! First asian-american I see in the "truther" field, so to speak (I interpret the term loosely and apply it to anyone who's against the government for political and military reasons).

A Soldier's Duty? The Ehren Watada Story - YouTube

US Army Sergeant refuses to deploy to Iraq-1/2 - YouTube

This weekend I'm going to check out some conspiracy theories again, because the financial collapse is imminent. In particular, I think i out to check how the peak oil assessment is evolving, because i think we're just weeks away from the end of cheap fuel.
 
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