I urgently need another engrossing intellectual activity
This feeling of a deeply wasted life... sometimes i look at the street below, whether at work or at home, and i step back because i am afraid I'll do something crazy, by some subconscious impulse in me, the same that makes me trade discretionary, you know: i just do it, i just place the trade and think about it later. I wouldn't want to jump amd then find myself wondering why i jumped, for a few seconds, until hitting the ground.
I might go swimming after all. Anything rather than jumping out of the window.
Swimming is complicated: far away, getting changed, getting dry... and so on. Also, swimming in the pool is boring.
I might end up doing nothing as usual. You see, i am very... my father said "consequential", in the sense of logically consistent but also taking actions based on reasoning, which is not listed here but may be the case in Italian:
Consequential | Define Consequential at Dictionary.com
For years I refused to eat vegetables and fruits, then one day, after watching the umpteenth documentary on health, nutrition, mainstream medicine and real medicine... then i became vegan during the documentary and i even came here and wrote it down: i just became vegan.
By the way, i was just eating a fruit salad: fruits are boring by themselves, but if you put them in a fruit salad, they get interesting. The same for the other salad. If you eat a tomato by itself it is not as good as together with lettuce and cucumbers. With people it's different: if you put them together, they get boring, the more they are the more boring they get.
So he said i am "consequential" because no one becomes a vegan overnight like i did. And I stuck to it.
And in this sense this is connected to swimming - if I am not going swimming today is because i am still evaluating the pros and cons and the pros are not enough. If i ever choose to do it, i'll start going and not stop for a long time. It's not like i am just being lazy: i have weighed all the pros and cons and it's not worth it yet.
The thing though with jumping out of the window and such impulsive behaviours, such as discretionary trading (which in my case is usually a synonym for compulsive gambling), is that I have to make sure i don't get to the point of jumping out of the window, because then it'd be too late to take any countermeasures.
So, I should realize it
before. I should realize that I must avoid the impulsive act of jumping out of the window, and i should realize how close i am to it, and what measures I should take to fill my life so i don't do it.
What's worst - I mean, the only thing that's really bad is seeing the faces of my colleagues day after day. That is really demeaning to me. The office life. It's been going on for too long. My life has been too empty for too long, due to being forced to go to work every day and to live in rome, a city that sucks, bad.
And there are too many low windows and porches, here and at work. It really sucks. Too many opportunities to jump.
Like that song says, suicide is painless, it brings on many changes. I would not want myself to try suicide for a change.
I need a new engrossing activity, and quick.
Conspiracies are over with. Nutrition is in my head, but i don't need to study much more right now.
For sure, as soon as I get that form, i will demand with all my conviction to reduce my schedule from 9 to 15 to 9 to 14.
That's coming up in about... by the end of this month. They will probably not agree on the reduction of 1 hour, but might accept half an hour less, which would be great.
But the engrossing intellectual activity is needed, and I've been looking for it for months, writing about this search right here on the journal.
Ok, maybe I am thinking of the website again.
What is the number one need for a website? Visitors.
I need to get visitors at all costs, even if I initially have to pay them.
I don't need visitors to sell them anything: i need them for my website to have a meaning.
So I will help them, pay them, give them something. But I need to make sure they come: what i give them will adapt to this need. I will give them whatever will make them visit my website.
But I won't just hand out money. I will help them, but my way, as much as possible.
For example, here's one idea.
If you prove to me that you've done a good deed, then I will pay you... 10 dollars. How about this: a competition of good deeds, where the winner gets 100 dollars. A monthly competition. I could easily afford it. And for kids, this might be pretty good money. This will attract some visitors for sure, but I need to figure out the technical details of this. I don't want people to know my real name.
Someone else has thought about this before:
Do A Good Deed
So, ok, at best, I'll do something as good as that website, which is pathetic, but it's still better than jumping out of the window. But since i need total determination to be fully consequential as my father noticed i am, then i need something better than this. But i cannot find it.
I don't think I can find anything engrossing at work. I don't think it can come from rome, even though there's a lot here, like the vatican and all the other places.
The movies are a great tool to avoid compulsive gambling, but they're not engrossing, far from it, as i have shown today and the other day by leaving after 10 minutes.
The movies were engrossing as a teenager but still were a pastime. Not a reason to live.
So, the engrossing activity cannot come from work, cannot come from rome, then it must come from the web. And it could be:
1) creation (art and so on)
2) teaching
3) learning
It has to be one of these three. So far it's been learning. I've been learning full steam for years. I'll see. It might also be sports.
1) creation (on the web)
2) teaching (on the web)
3) learning (on the web or math lessons from teacher)
4) swimming
I don't see any other options. I need to choose one of these four fast, before i jump out of the window.
