Deeply unhappy and dissatisfied. Not only do I have to stay at the dumbing and degrading office for many more years than I had envisioned, but not the boss has also turned psycho, and yells at me, and I haven't solved this problem yet.
I remember from the past, but this might not happen again, that each time I was deeply unhappy and dissatisfied, my father intervened and got me a new job, sent me to america, suggested and made possible changes that were positive and that solved my problem.
I wonder if this will happen again. It feels like things will take care of themselves, but, as i said, this is probably because my father fixed them for me. So I am not sure that this time things will magically fix themselves for the better, as happened in the past.
But maybe I do have some ability to fix things, and maybe I have had an impact on my life as well. I am just trying to remember how much was my work and how much his.
I think it is like this: he took the initiative of proposing something to me, and I accepted and put the hard work in it (traveling, working, studying, playing some sport, learning a foreign language, etc.).
Yet with this office things got really stuck - actually things really went wrong when I had my health problems a few years ago. Then I quit my previous job, took some time off, and when I went back, I came to this bank, which basically sucked from the start, then it got better, and then lately got worse again, always depending on the bosses and colleagues.
The problem is that the bosses keep changing, because otherwise you could build on what you've done. You can build a capital of respect from people, for the work you've been doing. But if a new boss shows up, an idiot who cannot appreciate things that are done properly, your capital is all gone. You can't just dismiss him and say "you're an idiot" and "he's an idiot". He's going to give you a hard time.
Anyway, I've said enough in the past two years about how much of an idiot my boss is.
Now the problem is this: will I come up with something that fixes my problems? Will the hard work and clean conscience I have triumph in the end?
I am having doubts. You see, my boss is the proof that you don't really need any qualities to be a boss, and this proves that hard work sometimes doesn't pay off. This guy is dishonest, lies very often, disorderly, and I don't even know if he's hard working. What I've been told by my roommate is that "he goes to eat pasta alla carbonara". Which means that he goes to these "special" lunches with the higher up boss.
I don't go to these lunches, never will, nor do I go to any lunches with anyone. I'd rather get fired than to go to any of these kissing up lunches.
I am really wondering if my hard work will ever prevail over someone whose only quality is kissing up.
No one will ever say that I am an idiot, and no one will ever... think that he's valuable.
I've been unhappy for many years now. I mean deeply unhappy, because even before this I was unhappy as my last memory of real long lasting happiness dates back to over 10 years ago.
I am really wondering if I could at least go up one step from deeply unhappy to just unhappy. I think hoping for collapse and experiencing global financial collapse would be a faster way to achieve semi-happiness, because it would bring a few positive changes:
1) the idiots will suffer, such as my boss, because... hmm, I am not even sure about this anymore - he might strive for other reasons - dishonesty might be a resource in a time of chaos
2) the bank will dissolve and I won't have to deal with him
3) ...
Well, basically that's it. The only reason why I am unhappy is my job, which in turn forces me to be in rome, which sucks, too.
The problem is that I cannot find a solution, other than quitting my job, but quitting my job is considered unsafe universally by everyone. And clearly I agree otherwise I would have done it by now.
So basically I am awake as to the stupidity that surrounds me, as to being a slave, with a few weeks of vacation per year, and I can stand it much less than others, because I do not have those lunches, I don't enjoy talking about soccer with the colleagues, and I cannot share too many values with them, because they don't have that many values to begin with.
So, we'll see. For sure I'll keep complaining here and reporting what happens. After I started these journals only a few years ago, and I don't feel too bad for not achieving, financially, pretty much anything at all.
Being stuck in the matrix, while knowing you're in it. That is my tragedy.
The tragedy of an intelligent person stuck with a bunch of idiots. And I guess this happens everywhere in the world to almost everyone else, too, because we all have different sensitivities and we're all stupid or intelligent depending on the field. Maybe at work those I consider stupid are painters or musicians, and they feel "damn, I'm an artist stuck with a bunch of idiots... the world sucks".
But the probability is that they're none of this, and we're not all the same, each one with qualities compensating deficiencies. Most people are idiots with no qualities whatsoever. While other people have qualities in many fields.
And other than this valid distinction between idiots and non-idiots, there's also a question of hard work. I know I put hard work in everything I do. Others do not. They reduce, one way or another, their own CPU, intentionally even, so that there's a guarantee that they're not producing hard work. To them that is "taking it easy", being "easygoing", "cool" and other things that I do not consider qualities.
So, what I really should wonder at this point is not where my action will take me, because I have always lacked action, and my father has compensated this with his propositions in the past. At this point, since I will keep on drifting as far as my job at the bank, which means being a sheep like the rest of them... at this point I am wondering this: where will my mind take me next? Because one good thing is that my mind doesn't stop. I haven't watched tv for months. This means I haven't turned my mind off for months.
And my mind goes on, pushing me to implement very powerful changes, and they happen overnight. A month ago, after investigating on health and watching a lot of documentaries, I turned vegan, on dietary grounds (not ethical).
I also stopped eating any sweets, because sugar is bad. Once i've realized it, I just stopped overnight, without any efforts. There was a post I wrote here, where I said "ok, I just turned vegan".
The same applies to studying some programming to build my trading systems, to studying english, all things that I started somewhere and that I completed. I start big things and I finish them, almost effortlessly. This is very different from the average, and as i said, it's because they intentionally turned their brains off.
Instead if you decide to keep it on, and not be "cool" and "easygoing". Then of course you don't eat pasta alla carbonara with the higher ups. But these changes and improvements in your life are natural and effortless.
One research leads to another, one idea leads to another, and they produce changes in your life, and so I am wondering where my reasoning will take me next. I just have to wait for the reasoning to evolve. There is no need to panic, to rush it... and if, unfortunately, the reasoning won't produce anything valuable, then I'll just keep on learning things.
Actually it's precisely because I am deeply unhappy that I am still learning things.
If I got what I want, which is living at the house on the beach, without having to work as an employee, then I would be happy. Absolutely. I can guarantee it, because that is how I am for those 2 weeks every year that I am allowed out of my cell at the office.
And if I were at the beach, I would swim for hours every day, then I'd sit on the rocks and watch the waves. Then I'd walk in the sand. Then I'd lie on the deckchair. Then I might even watch tv, and I'd probably turn into one of the sheeple. So, as a side effect of my unhappiness, I am learning things.
But this makes me wonder in turn if I am keeping myself unhappy so that I can learn things and achieve a higher happiness. As they say in italy "chi si accontenta gode". In other words, if you content yourself, then you're going to be happy, or it seems that a correct match would be "a contented mind is a perpetual feast".
So, if I wanted, if I really wanted it, I could decide that I am happy. I could say "hell, I have enough or rather this is as good as it gets... so let's enjoy it".
But I am thinking that maybe, probably even, I wasn't raised to seek happiness but rather to seek knowledge. And so knowledge seeking is not a side effect of unhappiness as i said, but unhappiness is a side effect of knowledge seeking.
This sounds awesome, but maybe it's wrong. Because how does this agree with the fact that if I were at the beach house, i would engage in physical activity (which obviously doesn't have much to do with acquiring knowledge)?
I really don't know. Maybe, my preference is for living a physical life, and, since I cannot do it, and never have been able to do it, because, except for some rare summers in my childhood, my father has always kept me busy in summer schools, then, since I cannot do it, I am opting for knowledge. So in this case, which I think is closer to the truth, knowledge is a side effect of not being able to live a satisfactory physical life.
But now, even my colleagues aren't able to live by the sea, as everyone would like to do. So how come did they choose to be sheeple?
This gets really complex and it's hard not to make mistakes in assessing this.
I think my change happened early on. I would have liked to be outside and play with other children, but one way or another, my father kept me at home, and this made me start thinking. Then there was the summer schools, and everything else.
So while the rest of people adapted to their environment and learned to be happy with what they had got, I learned to be unhappy, because at home, I had exactly zero fun, and to engage in intellectual activities instead.
Then, once I became unable to enjoy people's company (and i pretty much can't really enjoy regular people's company even now, except for short periods of time, like a cab ride), I was stuck with either being at home learning things, like I am doing now, or enjoying the best of nature, which is basically the sea, and a nice one. So if anyone tells me to go to anything less than perfect, then I won't go. And if any company is less than perfect, then I don't go. So I need stimulating nature and stimulating people, because I have learned to be alone without nature and alone without people, and as a consequence, I really don't have the need for it.
So, somehow this learning and unhappiness is very related to my being antisocial. For example, all those times I went out to get a pizza with a friend, to me it was very much a waste of time and money. I knew I'd learn nothing from that experience, and it is exactly what happened.
I wonder what I'd be doing without the internet.
Yeah, I remember. Back in northern europe, I was working there for two years, and I had no internet. I was watching tv all the time. Actually there was a girlfriend there, so for the first year I could bear it, but then, after a year, she left, and I could only resist one more year, and I left, too. Had I had the internet, things would have been different. But when she asked me to get it for her, I told her I would rather keep my money invested in options, than to get her a computer. Then she left, I lost my money, and eventually I left, too. Too bad I didn't listen to her. At least I would have kept my computer and my job. Damn. I didn't know there was so much to learn on the internet. You don't know until you get it. Actually the older you get the more stupid you should get, I thought. Instead back then I was stupid and I thought I knew everything and there was no need to learn anything else.
I think what killed my learning skills was school. You have to unteach yourself everything you learn in school, such as that knowledge is boring. Internet shows you that knowledge is entertaining. Everything is entertaining, if you let your curiosity lead you. If instead you're forced, then it becomes boring, everything becomes boring. It's like eating. If you're forced to eat something, it is less pleasurable than if you let your hunger lead you.
Yeah. I know what I know, and I am what I am, and the incident of having a yelling boss is not going to disrupt my path and destroy my skills. However, it is a physical threat to me, it bothers me obsessively, and I need to make sure I can deal with it, before i set my mind on something else. I know I am obsessing about this, but it's because I want to make sure i am really prepared for the next time it happens. After obsessing about it so much, there are no doubts that I will take action when it happens. If instead i had the approach of some of my colleagues ("it happens to everyone..." and "there's much worse bosses..."), i definitely would not be ready to take action. I think the least I will do is walk out on him, and the most I will do is go home and come back the next day. I also know that I definitely will not answer a single word.
Yeah. I am very very sad, that after all the work i have done for this office, I have come to witness a situation where I am being yelled, by a despicable person, for the wrong reasons. It really made me doubt my self-worth. The mere fact that he dared to do something like that. Yes he's stupid, but it's not enough to explain this. I feel that I must have done something wrong, not in my work, but in my relationship to this guy - how could he ever think that I would accept his yelling? This is really a crushing defeat for me, to have to deal with a situation like this.
