ok, back to the topic of the boss yelling at me.
I've discussed for an hour with my uncle, who also was working at a bank and the strategy is as follows:
1) both uncle and father agreed that if i feel like it, i can walk out on the boss at any time i desire, even from the start of his hostile attitude.
2) uncle suggested that I also walk out and soon after that i write to the boss an email saying "tell me what needs to be done, and I'll do it", so that i don't give him an excuse for disciplinary action - meaning i keep subordination without accepting yelling and unfair lectures
3) uncle said also that, if I know how much I am worth and if I know that the boss is an idiot, which i totally do, then there is practically nothing that can touch me, and even being yelled at, can be taken with dignity. The only part we disagree with is that he said that part of the dignity (he didn't use the term "dignity") is replying to the boss "you're wrong", but i told him that he'd yell even louder, so he concluded that if i cannot say anything back for a reason or another, then i'd better walk out from the start
4) another important detail that came up is the fact that the boss has been here for almost two years, that he might be leaving, statistically, any time soon, and that I do not want him to move me out of my beloved office, because I am comfortable where I am (work sucks, but it would be worse elsewhere), so, while I don't want to take any abuse, I also don't want to risk giving him opportunities to report me, or punish me, or transfer me for whatever reason.
I knew i'd come with a very good scenario to handle the idiot boss. Now it's clear that I know what I am worth, that I know what he's not worth, and that given these facts, i can be quite confident that no one will take away my merits and my capabilities, regardless of what this guy yells.
My uncle said that if this guy has personal problems and yells because of them, and he does, then i should not take it as a personally. I told him that it bothers me to hear people yelling.
Basically now I am more relaxed, and I know that my self-respect and value will not decrease just because I am allowing an idiot to yell at me. You see, the important point that my uncle made is that just because an idiot is yelling at you, that doesn't make you more of an idiot. I am worth what I am worth, and the fact that I am not appreciated (or even if he pretends that, which is more likely the case) by an idiot who happens to be my boss, that does not change my value.
I will evaluate the situation when it will happen. If I will feel extra strong, I will stay in the room, and fight the boss with my eyes. He will see in my eyes what i think of him. I will not say one word, nor answer any question if the atmosphere is disrespectful - so it might be even worse for him that i stay in the room actually.
If instead I will feel weak, then I will walk out.
It is clear according to these two pretty balanced people (father and uncle) that in a situation like this, the behavioiur of walking out is acceptable. And also the good news is that if I get yelled at by an idiot, that does not automatically make me more of an idiot than he is.
I am pretty satisfied. Obviously this will not remove all the preoccupations, such as my dislike for my boss, frustration, anger, and it will not even remove insomnia completely, but, when this thing will happen again, and he'll yell at me, I will be like a student who studied for the test.
On the other hand, having studied, the two things that I will absolutely avoid are these:
1) admit errors that I didn't make or answer questions asked rudely - i'll stay quiet if i am being treated rudely
2) reply in anger, yell, or say anything under the effect of emotion, which is absolutely normal if someone is yelling at you, but which has to be avoided and if I cannot avoid emotions when he's yelling at me (whether anger or discouragement), then i must choose to leave the room
To sum it all up in one sentence, I will have to produce controlled and effective behaviour (which will consist of being quiet and looking at him with hate/contempt - my thoughts) or if I am incapable of controlled and effective behaviour (depending on the situation), then I will leave the room. Nothing in between basically. Proper behaviour or no behaviour.
By looking at him, and not answering his questions, I will tell him "you're an idiot" without actually saying it. My thoughts will show in my eyes and posture. And they will be "you're an idiot, disappear, leave my room".
Dude, I didn't break my back for 7 years to be taking any **** from an idiot boss for no justifiable reason. What counts at the office is how much serious work you have produced and so I don't care who the boss is, I am entitled to dignity, and if he doesn't know it, he will find out one way or another, and it will happen if he ever dares to yell at me again.
...
You know, all this is happening because i've been in this office for two years but basically this guy has not been my boss once yet: i have always told him how to do things, I have always been on top of everything, I have always solved his technical problems, he's untidy, a complete mess... and as a consequence of this, to me it is unconceivable that a guy like this could ever yell at me. He probably perceives this, and yells out of anger for a situation where one of his employees doesn't kiss up to him and doesn't perceive him as the boss. It's a funny situation if you think about it, because in the morning, this guy does not call me up to his office to discuss what to do in the day: he knocks on my door, comes in and tells me - most bosses would call you, would have you wait in front of their door, and then would keep you standing for ten minutes while they tell you what to do during the day. You see, he does the opposite: he stands up while he tells me what to do. So, can i insult a guy like this? He makes me smile and I could even feel sorry for him, if it weren't that once every four months he yells at me for no reason. I gotta absolutely keep things into perspective in order to not abuse a guy who is only abusing me because he is demanding all at once, and at the wrong moment, all the respect he didn't know how to demand during the rest of the year. It's a really funny guy and a funny relationship that we have. I take things personally, and that explains my reaction, and he keeps things inside and explodes all at once and at the wrong time. Maybe by yelling at me he didn't really want to say "you made a huge mistake" but "why don't you kiss up to me!? why don't you fear me?!".
So, considering all these things, even his unacceptable and erratic behaviour could be explained, and even accepted. But the main problem that remains is that this guy is so messy that he loses documents on a daily basis on his table. I despise him for his messiness and due to that, I cannot possibly consider him my boss. And it drives him mad that I am so tidy that he can't possibly find a problem in what i do. Maybe it's that. So... maybe he periodically feels he has to remind me that he's the boss, and he fabricates imaginary problems, and then treats me viciously.
Wow. Even if this is the explanation, I still cannot forgive him, because it's like... I am ok with not having a boss for a year, because I work anyway, without having to be checked, but I am not ok with being treated like crap periodically because you feel frustrated and concentrate in one instant all your need for... submission. What the ****? Then you could also treat me like a prince for two years and then shoot me at the end of two years because you resented treating me like a prince? Crazy mother ****er.
Anyway, the path to follow is clear, as I said earlier: if you can stay in control while he's yelling and handle him and produce the efficient behaviour of looking at him without answering, then do so. If you can't, then leave the room.
If the problem is that he needs submission, neither behaviour will work, because if i leave, he'll go crazy. And if I stay and not answer, he'll also go crazy. Because I would not be offering submission, because that is not the way to ask for submission. You could simply ask me to come to your office, and have me stand up while you talk to me: that should make you feel like you're the boss. What is the need to invent an excuse to yell at me? That is totally sick. I would rather come to your room 30 times than to be yelled at once. Instead he never calls me, always comes to my room, politely almost always... and then... this crap. This madness.
The thing is that I don't know when he will leave us. If I were positive that he left within this year, I could expect one more of these absurd incidents of being yelled at for unexplainable reasons. But who knows if I'll be stuck with him for another year maybe. Most of the time he yells at people for his own mistakes actually. That's what makes it so hard for me to accept such an injustice. For example, in this case, he was the one supposed to be in charge if my work was ok before sending it. He did not notice any mistakes, ever. Now all of a sudden, I noticed my own mistakes, and I am the only person who's guilty of anything. How about all the checking you were supposed to be doing? Oh yeah, you put a mark saying that it was correct.
The problem with this guy is that I cannot even work with an erratic guy who 1) doesn't reward me for my good work, and 2) yells at me for his mistakes or even for mistakes that he never even told me about once. You say it normally, you say what you want normally the first time, then you remind the person the second time, and if you're desperate you yell the third time. You don't yell the first time, when you didn't even tell the person you wanted something done in a given manner.
Oh, my god. I haven't solved anything. The problem is that this guy is crazy, and a person that's crazy, or acts crazy cannot be handled reasonably. He's crazy, he yells, and I don't see how i could find a pleasant way to handle such a situation. A person who yells for no reason cannot be pleasant. And then he found me, a person, who gets extremely offended and takes everything very personally... I think we can simplify the problem and we can discard the option of staying in the room and being calm, and looking at him quietly in the eyes. The only option for me is to leave the room as soon as I see the saliva drooling from his mouth and that he's in attack mode.