a dutiful mind
...or a mind with a sense of duty. Maybe not beautiful but dutiful for sure.
Yeah, 'cause I spent the whole day fixing the problem of my internet stick. As I'll go on vacation, I want to make sure nothing goes wrong, so I am bringing two internet sticks, and it took me hours of trial and error to get the one internet stick I haven't used for a year to work again.
Everyone relaxes, and in the meanwhile I make sure my second internet stick works, so I can run my systems, which are not even trading any money but are just being forward-tested.
This is a dutiful mind. This is the mind I have.
It's a mind that never gets rewarded, or at least that's been the case so far.
My other problem to fix is the boss.
As I said, I cannot accept that this idiot yells at me. No one has the right to yell at me, let alone an idiot like this guy, who works less than I do, gets paid more, and manages to make more mistakes than I do in the process. I know I am worth more, but he's the boss, and I don't want to overdo it.
I don't want to say something wrong and counter-productive. I don't want to say "shut up, you idiot!", nor do I want to yell back, but my number one priority is that he must never yell again at me. This of course is completely unrelated to my work, because he doesn't yell because of my negligence, but because of erratic reasons.
my dutiful mind cannot help but focus on the one problem left to fix, urgent problem left to fix.
1) he must not yell again
2) i must not lose my temper and yell back insults
As I said before, this could be achieved by walking out of the room, or even if it doesn't work, that is the least I have decided to do.
But, like when I am creating trading systems, I am trying to fix this, too, because I don't think... this strategy is good enough.
I am feeling that I need to administer some sort of punishment. Because it's a crime he's committing.
I am feeling that walking out when he's yelling is not strong enough. But I cannot yell back and go down to his level, because he's a supreme master at doing this.
That is, he's good at it, when he decides to do it, because for the first six months I was criticizing him plenty and he didn't yell back. Maybe this is some sort of revenge, even though I was totally right in my criticism. And maybe that's why he resents me.
And maybe that's why he's been looking that hard to find faults in me.
I am surrounded by people who acknowledge my serious attitude, my hard work, and my reliability, but this guy pretends that I am not perfect, maybe even unreliable, and maybe he tries to demonstrate it by yelling, or at least that seems the trend, since it's the third time in five months.
Nothing like this happened in the first year and a half with this idiot.
This is a big deal for me.
I have stopped criticizing him, and maybe that's why he's hitting back now, but he's had enough of a revenge and, given my serious work, I am not willing to accept any more yelling.
My mind just won't accept it, and it keeps on looking for a winning strategy.
Certainly, I prepared the battle by badmouthing him with everyone I could, and I gathered as much consensus as possible regarding my version: I am offended and I am not going to let it happen again. Now, whatever I'll do, he might not be prepared, but everyone else will be, so he cannot find much consensus or sympathy for his reaction to my reaction, except that artificial agreement by people kissing up to the boss (albeit idiot boss).
Also, since I've told everyone how offended I am, this will force me to react in some way, and that is important, too, because when someone has escalated the confrontation to the maximum level by yelling like he does, there are great forces in you telling you to not escalate it any further and play it safe.
You see, he's weak, so he escalates it as much as possible, to make sure he doesn't lose the confrontation. Furthermore, it's not clear what the purpose of all this yelling is: to win an argument? He yelled without even knowing what the problem was... I was sitting. Next time the first thing to do is to stand up.
Then the trick here is to find a reaction that will not escalate the confrontation, because you cannot escalate it any more, but that nonetheless will win. Not tie, but win. I need a win, because I have too much right and truth on my side.
A win would mean that he won't yell again, that I will not accept the humiliation, that I won't lose any consensus, and that I will not get transferred. No dialogue can help, because he is wrong, and probably in bad faith, too, probably possessed by the devil. I should try an exorcism.
I can't believe that, out of 8 people I asked, two said that I should just put up with him, because he's the boss. And that there's worse. In their mind, if the boss says you're wrong, you're wrong by definition. If he says you made a mistake, then you made a mistake. I don't see it like that: this guy is a liar, and an idiot. I don't remember ever hearing of any qualities he has, or actually yes: his quality is that he doesn't act like the boss. Live and let live, but then, erratically, when he reaps the fruits of his negligence, he yells, at the wrong time and for the wrong reasons and with the wrong person. Well, I am not going to put up with this for a fourth time. I'd rather run the small risk of being fired or transferred.
So it's not really a battle with him, but a battle to gather consensus against him. A battle for consensus where I have an initial advantage, because he is known for yelling and being rude.
If I yell back, I could still win, and even better, but the problem is that I am not good at yelling. So that has to be ruled out.
...
Hey, I don't care if in the end i'll have thought about this for two months. What matters is that I react properly.
Essentially, I have to walk out, have the right look in my face, right posture, and I have to turn completely quiet.
This is not going to be easy, but after all this preparation, it is going to be close to perfect.
1) turn completely quiet as soon as I recognize disrespect in his words and a louder tone: easy
2) get my wallet and walk out of the room, going to the vending machines to get some water
Come back, and repeat endlessly until he stops his behaviour.
One interesting thing is that if my roommate is there, he never does this, at least: those three times that happened, my roommate was not there that day.
This could mean that he's afraid of his judgment because he knows he is wrong. One more reason to demand a victory from the next confrontation. Because it's clearly a cowardly behaviour. But he doesn't even know, by how stupid he is, he doesn't even remember how aggressive I can be. But if I lose control.
But in this case, I don't want to lose control, because I don't want to scar my reputation.
He's not afraid of that, to the contrary.
Only an idiot could slam my door after yelling at me. Only an out of control idiot. Because that goes in my favor, since everyone heard it. You achieve nothing: it's not like I will work better at fixing mistakes he should have fixed because he erratically and periodically yells at me.
Maybe in his sick mind, he thought he was showing everyone that I make mistakes, too?
Ha. As if the fact of yelling at me were the proof that I made a mistake.
But what bothers me the most is that this incident shows that there is no meritocracy. He's the boss. How on earth is it possible?
I am not complaining that I am not the boss, because I don't want to.
I am complaining that there isn't someone better being the boss.
Anyway, starting tomorrow he'll be back from his holiday, I'll have to deal with him for a week, and then I'll go on vacation. For sure, after all this thinking and writing, I will not... put up with any abuse.
I hope he got into a car accident, or drowned.
[...]
At the same time, this reminds me that there will be a day when I might lose a battle despite being right and fair and honest. This may not be the time, but there might be a time where I have to yield if I want to surive, just because someone else is stronger. Such as could be the case with the police. But this guy is not the police, because he cannot beat me up. Basically that's the big difference.
[...]
Anyway, unhappier than ever, because I've set my mind on this problem. And I will not be satisfied until I will be positive that this guy has understood that he cannot abuse me. This is my enemy of the moment. I am not replacing him with any other enemy until I've solved this problem.
