my journal 3

maybe the thermite theory on 911 is wrong, and it was a directed energy weapon, as Judy Wood has been saying for years

What Transformed the WTC Buildings to DUST on 9/11? - YouTube

i keep coming across this topic from several side issues, such as crop circles researchers

What Do 9/11 & Crop Circles Have In Common? | Evidence of Directed Energy - YouTube


fascinating talk by John Lamb Lash:

A Challenge To The Crop Circle Wizards - A Presentation by John Lamb Lash - 9/11 truth - YouTube

wow, there's a whole world of knowledge and research in this branch as well... and this one below is the best video on 911 I've ever seen (and it's got only... 185 views!):

Andrew Johnson Directed Energy Weapons 9 11 COVER UP - YouTube

damn, this Richard D. Hall is a great journalist and researcher.

Anyway, so basically you've got the complete suckers, probably around 60% by now, who still believe it was bin laden and the "terrorists" on the planes, then there's the rest, the half-suckers, who don't believe the government but believe in the bombs theory (thermite), and then there's the really informed ones, probably less than 1% of the population, who believe in directed energy weapons. And the above interview to Andrew Johnson explains the real story and what happened with the 911 truth movement and to the real scientists (the 911 scholars for truth), and how disinfo agents infiltrated it. People keep saying "follow the money", but i think it's much more precise to "follow the assassinations" and there's a higher percentage of people assassinated in the 911 truth "directed energy" subgroup, than in the "thermite" subgroup. So, if I follow the assassinations, I would say that the truth is the towers were brought down by directed energy weapons (aka haarp - tesla - hutchison effect... that's the field). Just as Andrew Johnson says at minute 56 (of the previous video).

hutchison effect - YouTube

 
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Conspiracy of Science - Earth is in fact growing - YouTube

Expanding earth my ass - YouTube

finally a reasonable mainstream scientist who bothers to answer in detail the non-mainstream theories rather than just dismissing them. He might be wrong, but he's less arrogant than the others:
potholer54 - YouTube


hmm, Peter Hartfield, don't like the accent, too polished tone, sounds like someone who's busy polishing his delivery, too busy to really investigate the truth

still not convinced of either, since whereas mainstream used to be reassuring to me, right now it is the opposite and i distrust any mainstream knowledge

maybe these usually arrogant mainstream scientists know more details about the wrong theory and non-mainstream scientists (or non-scientists) do not know the details of the right theory
 
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it seems a bit like the guys making the documentary are the ones selling the course:

LIVE Remote Viewing Demostration - INCREDIBLE - YouTube

nonetheless it could be true, because simeon hein doesn't seem a liar to me and yet he also talks about remote viewing:

What Remote Viewing Tells Us About UFOs and ETs (Part I) - YouTube

neither ed dames nor simeon hein seem to be doing this for the money, at all

simeon hein says this ingo swann is the best remote viewer alive or similar

Ingo Swann - Human Super Sensitivities and the Future - YouTube

kind of boring

Ingo Swann - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Swann helped develop the process of remote viewing at the Stanford Research Institute in experiments that caught the attention of the Central Intelligence Agency. He is commonly credited with proposing the idea of Coordinate Remote Viewing, a process in which viewers would view a location given nothing but its geographical coordinates, which was developed and tested by Puthoff and Targ with CIA funding.
Click to expand...

Dr. Harold Puthoff on Remote Viewing - YouTube

much better speaker

either puthoff is a very good liar, or this wikipedia entry is yet another lie:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Remote_viewing
The program was eventually terminated in 1995, because it had failed to produce any useful intelligence information.
Click to expand...
Either this or they didn't know how to use the information, because they were skeptical.
 
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insomnia

Oh, damn. Insomnia strikes again. I am really mad at my boss for shouting at me last thursday, which is already 4 days ago. I keep on thinking about it, and usually it goes like this: I try to hold it back, but then after a few days, I can't anymore, and I get mad, more mad than at the beginning. So basically, this guy has accepted my criticism for his first six months in my office, and now, in the past year, he's been striking back, looking for mistakes, which I rarely make, so usually it's just bull****, or they're even his mistakes, but the point is not just that he makes them up but that he yells at me for these alleged mistakes. It's been 3 times already, and the frequency is increasing in my opinion, but then again I am paranoid. Or rather, hyper-sensitive.

So now I'd like to kill this guy.

But since I can't kill him or at least make him disappear, I can't sleep at night, from the anger I am feeling. Yelling... I mean: being yelled at, is very much like an aggression to me, and since it is totally unfair, I just... I simply cannot take it. Everything in me said "unfair", and... I didn't get raging simply because I was pondering whether.. .what reaction would have been the right one. Considering the fact that he's still the boss. 1) yelling back didn't seem good, especially in front of others. 2) walking out on him seemed too much... but after consulting with my father, who's very balanced in these things, I have resolved that from now on, since it bothers me so much to be yelled at, I will simply, quietly, walk out of the room, wherever we happen to be and go downstairs to grab a snack at the vending machines. Regardless of the consequences, regardless of what he's saying, I will be doing it each and every time he behaves rudely. I am not being paid to be harassed by this dick head.

I know I am a perfectionist, I know I make fewer mistakes than the average colleague, I know I work more than the average colleague, and finally I know this guy is below average both as an employee and even more as a boss. So there are no doubts that I can follow through with my strategy. Nonetheless, even after consulting with my father, I am still having problems sleeping.

You see, what must be added is that I am hyper-sensitive to criticism, precisely because throughout my adolescence and childhood, my father has been hyper-critical. But he's a perfectionist, too, so, and totally successful in life, and much more reliable and precise than average, so since I don't take this crap from him anymore since many years ago, there is no way I'll take it from an idiot such as my boss is.

That's why I... blocked people from posting on the journal. It bothers me to receive negative comments from anyone, even just the thought that I might receive a stupid comment by a troll bothers me and keeps me from writing freely, which right now, with this option of "no posts from non-contacts", I can do perfectly fine.

ASTOR PIAZZOLLA "MILONGA DEL ANGEL" [HQ] - YouTube

The way I see it is that anyone who doesn't approve of what i think and write, or at least who disagrees superficially, then he's an idiot. The same applies to my boss. Since I know how much thought and work I put into everything I do and say, and how little others do, I tend to be right on this prejudice. I mean, percentage-wise the population of the world is pretty disappointing. Of course, occasionally I'll find a genius, and I'll be glad to fall on my knees and acknowledge his superiority, but it's rare.

As a consequence of the world's stupidity, I know I am often misuderstood and not appreciated, but I also try to make sure that at least half of the people are on my side, so I tend to under... understate my case, or however you say this. For example, what i mean to say is with this boss, I will not fight for all my rights, because i want to be on the safe side. I want to really make sure that the truth is on my side. I will only fight for those rights that I am absolutely positive are being abused. For example, he's an idiot, but I will not tell him so. And I will not yell back. And a lot of other things that I think I'd have the right to do. I simply want to make sure that this guy doesn't yell at me. I will just stand for 50% of my rights, so that justice is on my side for sure. This because I know that I might be overestimating my other stregths and so on.

Part of being a perfectionist is also being insecure, and taking a lot of abuse before taking action. And taking less action than I'd like to. I'd never want to engage in a fight that I can't win, and... or a fight where I'd win without being right. I want to fight for a just cause so that if I lose, I still feel ok, and if I win, i do not feel that I've abused anyone.

...

I remember when i was writing about this chimp in my room a year or two years ago. Right on one of my journals here. Things have gotten out of hand because of him. You see what happened is that my former roommate, and chimp... he flipped my keyboard and scanner one morning, so I've stopped talking to this guy, for the next six months we were in the same room but I practically didn't talk to this guy. That's when I went from normal to psycho, so to speak. So now this guy is in the room next door, and i figured, whoever is friends with this chimp, he's also a chimp, so then I wasn't talking with his roommate either, or rather i was looking at him with suspicion for talking to the chimp. But then two other girls, those interns, moved in the room - they're really crammed in there. So i figured they were chimps as well, until recently, when i heard them complain about the chimp, so they must have figured out why I am not talking to the chimp and the entire room. ...Hmm. No, they probably think he's a chimp and that I am a psycho.

This is related to the situation with the boss, because as the number of idiots or perceived idiots in the entire... "office" or "department" increase, my support or perceived support from the department decreases. So, let's say that two years ago I felt that if I had an argument with the chimp or with someone else, I would have had 75% with me, just based on my reputation, now, having avoided these guys next door due to them being roomed with the chimp, and to them spreading... probably... rumors against me, by now I think i might only have 50% on my side. So that makes me weaker. But I prefer to be weaker than to kiss up to people I am expecting to be idiots. On the other hand, I wish these people realized that I am avoiding them because they're talking to the chimp, but... right, that is faulty thinking, because basically I've become less patient and less flexible and less communicative. Life does that to you. You are fresh, then you take some stress, more stress, more abuse... then you have less patience and you stop talking to some people, then more people, then even stop saying "hi", then in order to not say "hi" or hear those questions, stupid questions like "how are you?" from people who just keep walking after they ask you... you start looking away, trying to not cross them.

Yeah, basically i'd like to shoot every one of them instead of saying hi - or simply I'd like to stay home. That's my approach every morning before going to the office...

...Avoiding contact, as much as possible. Keeping my door shut as much as possible. I want to avoid that stupid, daily, "how are you?" chat. I just want meaningful conversations.

So, yeah, absolutely, I am much weaker than I was a few years ago. And this weighs on any fight and their outcomes. I am less willing to fight, because I know I am less likely to win, but this doesn't mean I don't get offended. So there's only so much I can take, and certainly I am not picking fights, but, despite being a lazy fighter, I will eventually draw the line, no matter what the consequences might be, and "eventually" is now, because it's much easier to fight at this point than to put up with this guy yelling at me. So there are no doubts that I will at least walk out on the boss the next time he dares to even raise his voice, not just the next time but each and every time he'll do it. And I don't care about the consequences, or if I'll be supported by the chimps or whoever is around and witnesses the exchange. My conscience is clear.

...

Damn...
...damn.

Even just staying up for hours tonight will make it worth it for me to follow the established plan of walking out on the yelling mother ****er. I haven't been yelled at for too many years to get used to it now. Especially for no reason at all. There is no way I will ever be yelled at for non-existent reasons.

...

Stupidity makes me mad, and stupid people who are mad at me make me even angrier because they do not have the right to be mad at me, so it's like an abuse to the nth power.

I don't believe in destiny and i don't believe I will win just because I am just (as in "i am honest"). I could get run over by a car tomorrow. But I believe in the past, and I will act according to my estimates, according to the past data. Basically like for trading systems, I have built a living system, that makes me act according to my back-tested data. But it's not a system that maximizes profit. It maximizes dignity, while keeping profit at a minimum level of survival (food and shelter). While my boss for example set his dignity to zero and only tries to maximize profit - he's lying all the time for example. I don't know how a guy like this dares to yell at me for anything.

...

The chimp, another annoyance. I think he's mad at me, he resents me for some reason. Right, maybe the fact that I haven't talked to him for the last year or so.

Astor Piazzolla - Otoño Porteño (Live in Montreal 1984) [HQ] - YouTube

He goes to the... bathroom. Today I had my door open because the new roommate came back from his holiday, and he wanted the door open, so the chimp went to the bathroom, and, as he almost always does, he looked at me, while walking away and going towards the bathroom, which is really rude, that's like an aggression to me - what does he have to look at? I am sure he knows it bothers me because I keep on working and never look back, but he does it persistently, because... I don't know. Maybe he wants to incinerate me with his look. He comes back from the bathroom and again he looks at me persistently. He's resentful because I don't... because I avoid him. I hope that's why, because otherwise it must be that he has fun looking at something wrong with my face. What an asshole.

And then, those two interns, they also do it sometimes, not as often. And the other guy in the room, he also does it, more often than the girls, but less often than the chimp. I wonder how long I can go on without finding out exactly what those two girls look like.

Damn.

What's good though is that you'll always have a percentage on your side. Simply because, like in politics, the real politics - i don't mean the US politics.

You have one guy saying something, and then you have the opposition, and if there is only one opposition, there is always be a certain amount of people siding with the opposition, no matter what the opposition says, and in my case, my points are pretty good, too, so... i mean, I stand for:

1) not kissing up to bosses and this is a good cause that will earn me some sympathizers.
2) not asking stupid questions like "how are you?"
3) working quietly and seriously all the time, even if sometimes I am working on my own stuff
4) not playing music at the office
5) not laughing
6) not joking
7) helping others when they ask me

... I mean I know i have sympathizers, so I can keep going like this, and not worry about being popular.

...

Still unable to sleep.

Financial collapse is my only hope, because it will end my bank, and it will destroy all these people, which is a good thing. And my situation cannot get much worse - besides, if we all go back to working in the land then the hard-working ones like me will do better than the butt-kissing majority of today. And on top of it, working the land will be healthier than going to the office.

So basically I am hoping for this doom scenario to unfold as soon as possible. I am still uncertain between hoping for a tsunami or something else, because you know, i like swimming, and you don't have to drown in case there's a tsunami. Although I do not like deep water, nor big waves. Another thing I wouldn't mind is simply financial collapse with widespread riots and famine, but without any natural disasters.

Or alternatively, I would be ok with my boss drowning. He's on vacation right now.

I've got all these careless colleagues. Careless chimp, careless boss, careless others. How is it possible that there hasn't been one car accident, one broken leg, one drowning? How can it be that every summer they all make it back alive...

I've stayed up because i was worried or maybe subconsciously i stayed up out of spite - to spite the office by not helping them. Of course since I have such a clear conscience I will use my holiday days instead of calling in sick. This is yet another thing that I am not getting credit for, another reason I am more honest than the average - but probably no one appreciates it. Probably my unfair boss hates me even more for this. Because I won't get down to his level, kiss up to him and make deals with him. In one aspect, I understand him and everyone else. These people have had a tougher life, so their morals are lower, but simply because they could not afford to have higher morals with the type of life they've had. So I actually understand their thinking - they think i've had it easy and it's easy for me think I am better, and to act better, when I have my ass covered or similar. So, I know the limitations of my attitude, and yet I cannot see how lying like my boss and kissing up and backstabbing all the other things they do... I cannot see how I could do them or be indifferent to these behaviours, but yes I realize it's easier for me to be honest when... my father got me the job at the bank, whereas they had to "earn" it with their kissing up, and now they've gotten used to kissing up, of course - because they had to be coherent and could not stop it after being hired. Yeah, I know. I know that hating these people is a waste of energy, and it doesn't make any sense. If you're some animal, like a dog, what are you going to do - despise the cats for whatever reason? You were raised being a dog and you're not going to be like a cat. So, let's just stop hating these animals. They're different animals, and I can only be the animal I am, so there's no merit in it. I still won't take any yelling because there's some universal rules - i work, I don't bother anyone, and I am not going to be yelled at.

...

nope. still can't sleep. i am paying for some fault of mine. what is it? what am i guilty of? or who am i punishing by not sleeping? co-workers? boss? myself?

or who am i on strike against? what am i being on strike against? why am i staying up? i can't resist it. what am i angry about? what have i done wrong? did i expect too much of life? did i have it too easy and because of it didn't develop enough will power to achieve anything?

why am i stuck in such an unhappy situation, with such disappointing minds? I am very unhappy and I see no way out within the very short life I have. I would need another 100 years to get out of this situation - absent some catastrophic event. I am hoping for this catastrophic event that will enable me to quit my job or lose my job.

I am deeply unhappy and I see no way out.

Adios Nonino - Astor Piazzolla - YouTube

It's not like in the movies. It's not like in a song. It doesn't have a sense, it doesn't have an entertaining plot. It doesn't have a happy ending. Life can be empty.

Damn it, maybe i stayed up simply because i drank all that coffee.

But, regardless of the coffee, once awake, i can only realize that i am unhappy, that i see no way out, and that i've wasted my life, or rather that I didn't fight hard enough to achieve what i wanted to achieve. I didn't focus enough. And now I am at the mercy of a stupid boss, at a stupid office, with stupid colleagues, who probably hate me back.

But i don't think i've hit bottom, and I think i won't change my attitude. But you know what i see ahead of me? i see the boss yelling once again, and I will walk out on him - because i definitely cannot do anything else, but he'll keep yelling after me, and then he'll go all the way to his boss and report me for whatever, but by then i will be, by now even, i am probably so unpopular, without even knowing it, merely due to my attitude of not kissing up, that they will seize the opportunity and teach me a lesson, such as transferring me somewhere else or similar or humble me in some other way. Because they probably consider me arrogant and think no amount of work justifies my arrogance, and probably hate me because of what i consider "not kissing up".

And if it happens, transferring is not good. Because i see idiots everywhere, and one thing is to find idiots that i've known for years, but much worse is finding idiots that i don't know and... oh, god. Awful future ahead of me, because the boss will yell, i will walk out, and he will... this time he will get me.

Now hopefully i'll be surprised by a different outcome, but that's what I am expecting. And from my trading, I am not expecting anything good either. I am under-capitalized for automated trading and my discretionary trading is unprofitable. This is pretty clear by now, and sooner or later I'll blow out my account again. So I don't see anything good ahead of me.

I will pay a price for years of refusing to recognize reality. Maybe I watched too many movies.
 
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woke up after only 4 hours, of nightmares, will try to go back to sleep - drank too much coffee last night.

if you really want to not sleep at night and have nightmares when you finally fall asleep at 7 am, then just drink a lot of coffee and you'll make it happen

i don't know what kind of conspiracy radio or conspiracy documentary i need to be able to fall back asleep peacefully - maybe chemtrails

...

i am not being healthy, i mean, i am not being happy, but i can't say i am not being "healthy" for what is healthy?

normal is not healthy, or is it.

i don't apologize, i refused to be a fool

senator corleone, governor corleone... there just wasn't enough time

View attachment 1682072.mp3

what's the matter? what's bothering me?

i never wanted this for me

there is no movie left for me to hide in, no conspiracy left to study... reality emerges and has to be faced, over and over again... from time to time... and it is disappointing. I didn't achieve anything. I refused to be a fool and I don't apologize, but... much like vito realizes... i haven't achieved much, and I don't even have a michael to tell me "we'll get there, pop. we'll get there".

...


but you know there's nothing i can do to speed up success in my trading, because the first reason i failed is that i was impatient and tried to speed things up...

... so since there is no speeding up from that point of view

... and there is no speeding up of financial collapse

i'll just have to keep on going to work


and in the meanwhile?

i need to find another activity to focus on, to spend my time constructively

if i could work in construction, to make some extra money, and increase my capital, which is the most important thing, i probably would, but it's too complicated, so what i'll have to do is increase my knowledge

I am done with math, with conspiracies, with nutrition, with health and cancer cures (related to conspiracies). There is nothing much more that can be learned as far as conspiracies - or rather, there is, but the yearning for that type of knowledge is kind of gone, after learning so much.

I am also done with portfolio theory, trading, too.

i am waiting for a new idea to pop up. A big theme to study, to research.

without that, without a big research effort to engage in, all i see is my present work situation, my stupid boss, my stupid colleagues... it is not a pretty sight.

and it will keep me from sleeping, like tonight

the chimp, the boss, the other idiots in general... they'll keep from sleeping, and i must find something else, worth my time, and research and efforts - something huge, even bigger than the ongoing conspiracies by the powers that be.

let's review some potential fields:

1) it will not come from music, music is pleasant but it's not a huge and worthwhile endeavour

2) it will not come from social life - in general people are like my hemp seeds, most of them do not produce any seedlings... now even my relatives seem like most of my hemp seeds, given that they do not awake as regards the ongoing conspiracies

3) it will not come from work - nothing exciting there, not the laws to comply with, nor the financial transactions I am seeing

4) what else won't it come from?

should i just spend my extra time sleeping? like... by going back to sleep even mentally? like watching the regular news and tv and going back to being hypnotized for a while?

what are they saying right now: worrying about "growth" as usual?

yeah, usual bull****... hurricane isaac

so what's next? telekinesis, should i focus on moving objects or on remove viewing? If i do it, i want to do it right, I already have a plan to use it with my boss on his *****, to incinerate it.

what do i focus on? time is plenty.

most likely the research will be on the internet.

but i could also buy a telescope or a microscope and get started on that type of thing

as i said, for sure i am done with this type of thing, after months, of peak oil, natural gas, fracking, 911, jfk, moon, chemtrails, fluoride, big pharma, big oil, big everything.

done with that

seen enough documentaries

my conclusion is that the collapse will begin from oil prices this very fall

everything will begin from that

but in the meanwhile, before collapse, i've gotta find something else

it'll come hopefully

...

speaking of oil, natural gas is good to buy again, considering we're almost in the fall

now the big question is also about the free energy, cold fusion, whatever it's called, because it could come out any time, if any of those scientists make it home alive, since they're all getting killed one by one.

if that happens, you know what'll happen to oil and gas... all energy prices would fall immediately

the pressure to kill the scientists is increasing and so is the pressure for them to release their inventions

i wonder who'll win, the ideas or big oil

but as i said, this is behind me, and now i have to worry about a new idea to investigate, something i haven't covered yet.

could i just keep my mind empty?

not bad - that wouldn't be a bad idea. that would be an interesting experiment - provided that the emptiness doesn't leave room for thinking about work, as it's been until now.

what i remember is that lecture by hein where he says that we filter out almost all data we receive (related to cognitive dissonance in some way), but i cannot get into something like that. I cannot bring it to the end, even if it is true, as i think it is, more than not.

I am not starting something that i cannot complete. I don't know where to start. Too complicated.

I am going to fall back on something easier.

alex jones and all these conspiracy radios were good for a while, but they are, despite telling the truth, close to the other infotainment. Their point is indeed to inform, but also to keep you listening, day after day, and this implicates a lot of repetition, so i can definitely cut back on these radios, too.

there's a lot of movies that i could watch, too, but i cannot... i simply cannot go back to watching movies after finding so many fascinating documentaries, some of which I still haven't watched. My favorite one so far is "Thrive".

But also "what..." and "why in the world are they spraying?" are really well made, also as far as content of course. Also gasland and some of those on fracking were great.

anyway, good thing I watched the great movies already, because today i consider all movies a waste of time, given that reality is so much better.
 
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