my journal 3

Oh god... I just had another exchange with my father. I asked him "incidentally, do you think that man landed on the moon?". As usual he replied "I don't have the information to give you an informed answer but I would assume yes". Ok, then I was disappointed and i tried to get him to doubt his opinion, but to no avail. The only thing he said was that his friends (professors and other cultured individuals) never told him anything to the contrary and instead the only one who had doubts was the milkman, so he assumed that we did land on the moon. What a ****ing idiot. I just left. It's the same he did for 911, refusing to watch or debate the evidence I wanted to show him (he fell asleep 15 minutes into Loose Change). Now I know what intellectuals are really worth, because my father is at least an above average intellectual. They're worth nothing. They lose more by being arrogant, than what they gain by studying. Studying makes them so arrogant that it stops their learning and puts them forever in "teaching mode". At that point, a conversation with them is worthless. You're either willing to be lectured, or forget it. The next time he'll want to teach me something, I'll ask him to watch the videos that prove that we did not go on the moon. 10 minutes of teaching apiece. No one-way monologues from him. Moron. Idiot. *******.

When he says "my friends" he pisses me off. It's as if a bunch of arrogant people who reassure each other they are right, and none of them ever does any research, were better than a few open-minded people who investigate something. These idiots keep believing something until they hear that a nobel prize or read on the newspaper that such a thing is being debated. Basically they have no curiosity, no energy to investigate anything, and only go with the flow. I am really disappointed by someone who thinks he's a genius, is regarded as a genius, and I am not only disappointed by him but also by all these idiots who praise him. Because this praising in turn produces more arrogance, stupidity and ignorance. It's the same for america. America is the strongest, so america is never wrong, america is freedom, america is democracy, america is the land of opportunity... so america becomes arrogant, and little by little america becomes the land of deception, corruption, lies, injustice and now even dictatorship. The same with my father: everyone saying for decades that he's the smartest, the best, the greatest, the strongest... then he's doomed to become an arrogant idiot, who can't even listen to anyone who doesn't agree with him.
 
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David Icke's Hollow Earth and Reptillian Illuminati Nonsense - YouTube

He is very intelligent and logical, but he still hasn't convinced me that reptilians do not exist for sure. But he has done a lot of research so it's worth watching to weigh all possibilities. You watch this video below, you hear David Icke's witnesses speak... and you suddenly don't think it's a crazy idea. Besides, if you say at the dinner table that we didn't go to the moon and 911 was an inside job, they still think you're crazy, so it makes no difference. The same applies to UFOs. Do I have a proof? No, but I think they exist. Why else would there be all these air controllers, and air force pilots coming forward at conferences?


I don't know... here bush is not a reptilian at all:

 
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George H.W. Bush: American Despot 1 (Full Episode) - YouTube

Holy cow... this is much worse than berlusconi.

Pedophilia in Bush/Reagan White House 1/5 (audio) - YouTube

Except that if it happens in the US it's ok since there's no free press.

And just as expected, there's nothing on CIA-wikipedia on the pimp Larry King:
Lawrence King - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

There's something here:
Johnny Gosch - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Paul Bonacci: THE MURDER -[1985]- GRAPHIC!--!WARNING![![p.4 -subtitled] - YouTube

Johnny Gosch, Jeff Gannon, Hunter Thompson and the unraveling of a troubling tale.

Told you - worse than berlusconi. That's what happens when everyone says "america is great.." and so on. People become arrogant and out of control.

This "American Despot" documentary is one awesome documentary:

 
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Very good summary of why we did not go to the moon:
The Apollo Hoax

More good points here:
NASA didnt go to the moon,prove me wrong
Everything the government touches is a disaster, and yet they expect us that on their first try, without sending any test probes or animals, that they sent teams of astronauts 260,000 miles away and back? With 1960 technology that is dwarfed by my cell-phone? C'mon!

Critical thinking should tell you that this is extremely unlikely.

Then listen to the audio as they WALK ON THE MOON for the first time, they talk about eating lunch? Really?! You're ON THE MOON for the first time EVER, and yet you are talking in a bored monotone about the lunch you ate back on Earth?

Does that likely?

Then watch the post-mission press conference and tell me those men walked on the moon. They were trained to be astronauts, not actors and they come off as ashamed and liars.
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It's amazing the reactions I am getting from colleagues, friends, relatives. They say they believe the moon landing because... everyone else does. Everyone believes it basically because:

1) tv says so
2) others say so

So this means that you believe it because the tv says so.

Then, once you establish that TV has lied big time, especially in the US, then you realize it can lie again, and it may have lied before, and that's when you start analyzing the knowledge available, and, when you do that, you realize, among the many other frauds, that we did not land on the moon.
 
Summary of the umpteenth trading experience, which yesterday came to an end as it does periodically. Starting in January, I used the systems and brought my capital from 4k to 13k. Then I started getting bored, about 2 or 3 months ago, and I engaged in my usual discretionary trading, and brought it back to below 2k, so now i can't trade anymore. In the meanwhile the selected systems would have brought capital all the way to 25k.

Conclusion: there's dynamics in this situation that always make me end up blowing out the account. It's not deliberate, but rather it's subconscious... I think it's mainly about restlessness-boredom-frustration. I can learn about the markets, but I cannot change my restlessness, or at least it's a fact that I did not learn how to deal with it and its side effects. If I am bored, frustrated, and idle, I will always end up engaging in discretionary trading, and that will always make me blow out my account - year after year. This is not a feature of just me, and it doesn't just apply to trading.

For me as for many other people, this applies to drinking, eating, sleeping, smoking... and other things. You will wisely appraise that some things are not good for you, but you will nonetheless end up doing them out of... boredom or whatever it is that makes you do them. Examples: some people smoke, going to sleep late and regretting it in the morning but then doing it again, eating more than you should, drinking more than you should... and the list is long. In my case it doesn't apply to every field of my life, but it applies to trading and to a few other things, as it is for everyone. We do not behave like an optimized computer program. I cannot even blame myself for this.

I am not saying I will never manage to solve this problem. What I am acknowledging is that... for sure, we do not always do what we think is best for us, and we do not always feel the same at all times. In the morning you feel one way, in the evening you feel another way. When you're tired you think one way and when you're rested you think another way. That is already a partial explanation of why we don't always act the same way, and therefore we cannot decide "this is best for me, so I'll do it", because at another time you will think and act differently. So, all in all, I am acknowledging that I am not just one person but I am several persons, and to achieve something I have to successfully deal with all these persons that are in me: the tired me, the bored me, the restless me, etcetera.

It is very frustrating, but it's pointless to keep on saying "never again" and "no more discretionary trading" because the me of now is not the same thing of me sitting in front of the computer for 6 hours with nothing to do, and a lot of "perceived" opportunities from the markets. I don't know if and how I'll solve this problem, but no point getting mad at myself, because I am simply "several people" who think and act in different ways. And this is not multiple personality disorder but it's a reality for pretty much every human being.

[...]

Maybe this is all about acknowledging needs that we do not acknowledge. Example. We say "i must not eat more than this" but we do not acknowledge the simultaneous need for companionship, peer pressure and such. If we're at a table with other people, their eating will influence our eating. It is not that we're "several persons", but it's that we have different needs at different times, and they make us act accordingly. The fact that we act differently than we planned does not mean we're crazy or masochistic, but that our actions are being influenced by factors whose existence we're not acknowledging. Need to be with people will make us stay longer at the dinner table and somehow their eating and drinking will make us do the same (sometimes called "peer pressure"). The need for action will make me trade even though I have seen the negative consequences of it, but at that moment I need action. The need for thinking or whatever else, will make me stay up longer at night. And so on.

Useless to say "never again" or to get mad at myself. Let's just acknowledge the factors at play, and if I will ever be able, let's tackle them. And if I can't, then **** it, it's just too bad. I am not even mad or frustrated any more. Getting mad at myself never prevented me from doing the same exact thing when placed in that same situation: at home, with nothing to do for several hours - combined with the desire to increase my capital, to escape that same boredom, and to escape the office. I dislike where I am living, I dislike my job, I dislike my colleagues (I find them ignorant and boring, and annoying, and stupid), I dislike my present situation and this is a component in this repeated trading failure. The more I want to escape, the more I feel the urge to try to speed it up via discretionary trading. My impatience prolongs the situation that I am impatient to end. Pretty much like a convict who tries to escape, and adds years to his sentence. He can't help trying to escape whenever he gets a chance. That's exactly me.
 
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Dissociative identity disorder

Dissociative identity disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Dissociative identity disorder (DID, also known as Multiple Personality Disorder in the ICD-10[1]) is a psychiatric diagnosis. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) its essential feature "...is the presence of two or more distinct identities or personality states...that recurrently take control of behavior."[2] The diagnosis requires that at least two personalities (one may be the host) routinely take control of the individual's behavior with an associated memory loss that goes beyond normal forgetfulness...
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Obviously I do not have something like this, but this is the direction of my research. I want to define scientifically what goes on in my mind when I expect myself to do things that I later do not do, such as "tonight I'll go to sleep early" and then don't do it. And "from now on, no more discretionary trading" and then it doesn't happen. For smokers it's "this is my last cigarette", which is a well-known situation, but doesn't apply to me.

Getting closer...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociative_disorder
Dissociative disorders can be defined as conditions that involve disruptions or breakdowns of memory, awareness, identity and/or perception. People with dissociative disorders use dissociation, a defense mechanism, pathologically and involuntarily. Dissociative disorders are thought to primarily be caused by psychological trauma.

The five dissociative disorders listed in the DSM IV are as follows[1]:

Depersonalization disorder: periods of detachment from self or surrounding which may be experienced as "unreal" (lacking in control of or "outside of" self) while retaining awareness that this is only a feeling and not a reality.
Dissociative amnesia: (formerly Psychogenic Amnesia): noticeable impairment of recall resulting from emotional trauma
Dissociative fugue: (formerly Psychogenic Fugue): physical desertion of familiar surroundings and experience of impaired recall of the past. This may lead to confusion about actual identity and the assumption of a new identity.
Dissociative identity disorder: (formerly Multiple Personality Disorder): the alternation of two or more distinct personality states with impaired recall, among personality states, of important information.
Dissociative disorder not otherwise specified: which can be used for forms of pathological dissociation not covered by any of the specified dissociative disorders.
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Nothing that fully applies to me yet, but I'm reading with interest. I definitely did experience "psychological trauma" from my father. He harassed me with his control freak personality, trying to make me "perfect", with endless criticism. My father is definitely a sick person, and a very sick influence on my life.

I sense that I'll find something in "bulimia" and "psychology of quitting smoking", because my discretionary trading is very much similar to bulimia. There's no addictive drug in food, but it's a compulsive act nonetheless. In this sense smoking may be slightly different. Then of course it could simply be the same as compulsive gambling, for which I will find a lot of literature. Actually let's go straight to that, because that's the closest or exactly the thing I have.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/compulsive-gambling
Betting the farm can actually be a serious problem for some people. Compulsive and habitual gambling can destroy a person's life. He likely suffers personal problems and financial ruin. Problem gambling can sometimes even lead to a life of crime.
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Definition
A compulsive, or pathological, gambler is someone who is unable to resist his or her impulses to gamble. This leads to severe personal and, or, social consequences. The urge to gamble becomes so great that tension can only be relieved by more gambling.

There is a very fine line between problem gambling and gambling too much. The critical sign of problem gambling is often hidden from awareness, with denial. Many gamblers typically do not know they have a problem. Admitting you have a problem, or may have a problem, is the first step to recovery. Unfortunately this realization normally only surfaces when a problem gambler hits rock bottom.
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Yes, this is definitely what I have. The urge to gamble - even though trading is not exactly gambling, because you can definitely have an edge - provided that you do not feel that urge. If you feel the urge, then you're automatically gambling, because you cannot wait for the right time to trade.

Pathological gambling is indicated by demonstrating five or more of the following symptoms:

Spending a lot of time thinking about gambling, such as past experiences or ways to get more money with which to gamble
Needing to gamble progressively larger amounts of money to feel excitement
Having made many unsuccessful attempts to cut back or quit gambling
Feeling restless or irritable when trying to cut back or quit gambling
Gambling to escape problems or feelings of sadness or anxiety
Gambling larger amounts of money to try to recoup previous losses
Lying about the amount of time or money spent gambling
Committing crimes to get money to gamble
Losing a job, relationship, or educational or career opportunity due to gambling
Needing to borrow money to get by due to gambling losses
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I marked in red those that apply or at least have applied to me.

More red on what applies to me:
Possible Complications

People with pathological gambling behavior often have problems with alcohol and other substance abuse, depression, and anxiety. People with pathological gambling behavior often consider suicide, and some of them attempt it.

People with pathological gambling behavior tend to have financial, social, and legal problems. These can include bankruptcy, divorce, job loss, and time in prison. The stress and excitement of gambling can lead to heart attacks in people at risk for them. Getting the right treatment can help prevent many of these problems.
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http://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/compulsive-gambling?tab=Causes
Pathological gambling usually begins in early adolescence in men, and between ages 20 and 40 in women.

Pathological gambling is a brain disease that seems to be similar to disorders such as alcoholism and drug addiction. These disorders likely involve problems with the part of the brain having to do with behaviors such as eating and sex. This part of the brain is sometimes called the pleasure center or dopamine reward pathway.

In people who develop pathological gambling behaviors, occasional gambling leads to a gambling habit. Stressful situations can worsen gambling problems.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/compulsive-gambling?tab=Treatments
Compulsive gambling can be treated. Treatment begins with the recognition of the problem.

Treatment options include individual and group psychotherapy, and self-help support groups such as Gamblers Anonymous. This is probably the most effective treatment. It is a 12-step program similar to Alcoholics Anonymous. Abstinence principles that apply to other types of addiction, such as substance abuse and alcohol dependence, are also relevant in the treatment of compulsive gambling behavior.

Recently, medications such as antidepressants, opioid antagonists, and mood stabilizers have been shown to be beneficial in combination with psychotherapy.

Like alcohol or drug addiction, pathological gambling is a chronic disorder that tends to get worse without treatment. Even though with treatment, it's common to start gambling again (relapse), people with pathological gambling can do very well with the right treatment. Many people are able to gain control over their lives after undergoing treatment.
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There's no way I will take any drugs nor go to any sessions of these meetings.

Prevention

Prevention is challenging and may not always be possible. Exposure to gambling may increase the risk of developing pathological gambling. Limiting exposure may be helpful for people who are at risk. Public exposure to gambling, however, continues to increase in the form of lotteries, electronic and Internet gambling, and casinos. Intervention at the earliest signs of pathological gambling may prevent the disorder from getting worse. Counseling may benefit people who are prone to compulsive gambling or other addictive behaviors. People who are aware that compulsive gambling affects close relatives might be at higher risk and should be especially careful.
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There's no way I will seek "counseling" either.

I am going to delve more into the causes. Then I'll find a solution by myself.

Something more on symptoms:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/compulsive-gambling/DS00443/DSECTION=symptoms

Signs and symptoms of compulsive (pathologic) gambling include:

Gaining a thrill from taking big gambling risks
Taking increasingly bigger gambling risks
A preoccupation with gambling
Reliving past gambling experiences
Gambling as a way to escape problems or feelings of helplessness, guilt or depression
Taking time from work or family life to gamble
Concealing gambling
Feeling guilt or remorse after gambling
Borrowing money or stealing to gamble
Failed efforts to cut back on gambling
Lying to hide gambling

Compulsive gambling typically begins in the late teen years. On rare occasions, gambling becomes a problem with the very first wager. But more often, a gambling problem progresses over time. In fact, many people spend years enjoying social gambling without any problems. But more frequent gambling or life stresses can turn casual gambling into something much more serious. During periods of stress or depression, the urge to gamble may be especially overpowering. Eventually, a person with a gambling problem becomes almost completely preoccupied with gambling and getting money to gamble.

For most compulsive gamblers, betting isn't as much about money as it is about the excitement. Sustaining the thrill gambling provides usually involves taking increasingly bigger risks and placing larger bets. Those bets may involve sums you can't afford to lose. Unlike most casual gamblers, compulsive gamblers are compelled to keep playing to recoup their money — a pattern that becomes increasingly destructive over time.

When to see a doctor or mental health provider
Have family members, friends or co-workers expressed concern about your gambling? If so, listen to their worries. Because denial is almost always a characteristic of compulsive or addictive behavior, it may be difficult for you to recognize that you have a problem and seek treatment.

Gambling is out of control if:

It's affecting your relationships, your finances or your work life
You're devoting more and more time and energy to gambling pursuits
You've unsuccessfully tried to stop or cut back on your gambling
You try to conceal your gambling from family or health professionals
You resort to theft or fraud to get gambling money
You ask others to bail you out of financial woes because you've gambled money away
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New post with the causes. The one above got too long.

Gambling
Addiction Symptoms, Causes, Treatment - What are causes and risk factors for gambling addiction? on MedicineNet
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When contemplating why people gamble, it is important to understand that there is usually no one specific cause for pathological gambling. Some potential exceptions include the observation that some individuals who are given medications that treat Parkinson's disease or restless leg syndrome (including pramipexole [Mirapex]) have been observed to develop compulsive gambling. The theory about that connection involves the increased activity of the chemical messenger dopamine in the brain as the culprit. Another example where compulsive gambling may have a single cause is in bipolar disorder since exorbitant spending, including in the form of compulsive gambling, may be a symptom of bipolar disorder.

Much more commonly, gambling addiction, like most other emotional conditions, is understood to be the result of a combination of biological vulnerabilities, ways of thinking and social stressors (biopsychosocial model). There are however, elements that increase the likelihood that the individual will develop a gambling addiction. Risk factors for developing pathological gambling include schizophrenia, mood problems, antisocial personality disorder, and alcohol or cocaine addiction. People who suffer from compulsive gambling have a tendency to be novelty seekers. Individuals who have a low level of serotonin in the brain are also thought to be at higher risk for developing pathological gambling compared to others.
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Nope. I am definitely "antisocial", but this has nothing to do with the antisocial personality disorder, which I definitely do not have.

Pathological gambling disorder - children, causes, DSM, functioning, therapy, adults, person, people
There are no known biological causes of pathological gambling disorder. Some studies have found interesting differences between compulsive gamblers and the general population on the biological level, but none that are thought to be an actual cause of pathological gambling. Many people, however, have significant psychological causes for excessive gambling. They may use gambling as an emotional escape from depression; this pattern appears more often in females with the disorder than in males. Some people who are pathologic gamblers are seeking the mood alteration associated with gambling— specifically the excitement and energy that they find in the activity— more than the money involved. In other words, the person with the disorder is reinforced by an emotional "high" rather than by the money itself. Some researchers have found that males diagnosed with pathological gambling disorder were more likely to have been diagnosed with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder as children than males in the general population. Other researchers have described compulsive gamblers in general as highly competitive people who are restless and easily bored. Pathological gambling disorder is characterized by uncontrollable gambling well beyond the point of a social or recreational activity, such that the gambling has a major disruptive effect on the gambler's life. People who are pathological gamblers may lose their life savings, and may even commit crimes to get money for their "habit."
Other theories about the causes of pathological gambling emphasize cognitive distortions rather than mood problems. Pathological gambling has been associated with dysfunctional thinking patterns; many people with this disorder are highly superstitious or believe that they can control the outcome of events when they are gambling. Many people diagnosed with the disorder also have distorted beliefs about money, tending to see it at the same time as the source of all their problems and the answer to all their problems. Patients diagnosed with pathological gambling disorder have an increased risk of either having or developing histrionic, narcissistic, or borderline personality disorder. One social change that has been linked with the rise in the number of adults diagnosed with pathological gambling disorder in the United States is the increased availability of legalized gambling.
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Treatments

There are a number of different treatments for pathological gambling disorder. Psychodynamic psychotherapy attempts to uncover any underlying psychological factors that trigger the gambling. For people who are gambling to escape, such as those who are depressed, this approach may be very successful. Treating any substance abuse problems that may coexist with the pathological gambling can also be helpful. Other types of treatments involve behavioral techniques used to teach relaxation and avoidance of stimuli associated with gambling. Aversion therapy appears to be successful in treating pathological gambling disorder in highly motivated patients with some insight into the problem, but is not helpful for patients who are less educated or resistant to behavioral methods of treatment.
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I need to delve into Psychodynamic and aversion therapy to see what I can get out of it.

Psychodynamics - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Psychodynamics is the theory and systematic study of the psychological forces that underlie human behavior, especially the dynamic relations between conscious motivation and unconscious motivation.
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I told you I had a problem with unconscious motivation. It's not that I am masochistic: I am doing things for reasons that I ignore. But there are reasons.

Aversion therapy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Aversion therapy is a form of psychological treatment in which the patient is exposed to a stimulus while simultaneously being subjected to some form of discomfort. This conditioning is intended to cause the patient to associate the stimulus with unpleasant sensations in order to stop the specific behavior.

Aversion therapies can take many forms, for example: placing unpleasant-tasting substances on the fingernails to discourage nail-chewing; pairing the use of an emetic with the experience of alcohol; or pairing behavior with electric shocks of various intensities.
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I like this, too, but it cannot work, because I won't beat myself up each time I trade. There's no way to associate something unpleasant with my trading. So I'll discard this immediately and focus on psychodynamics:
Psychodynamics - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
In general, psychodynamics studies the transformations and exchanges of "psychic energy" within the personality.[5] A focus in psychodynamics is the connection between the energetics of emotional states in the id, ego, and superego as they relate to early childhood developments and processes. At the heart of psychological processes, according to Freud, is the ego, which he envisions as battling with three forces: the id, the super-ego, and the outside world.[4] The id is the unconscious reservoir of libido, the psychic energy that fuels instincts and psychic processes. The ego serves as the general manager of personality, making decisions regarding the pleasured that will be pursued at the id's demand, the person's safety requirements, and the moral dictates of the superego the will be followed. The superego refers to the repository of an individual's moral values, divided into the conscience - the internalization of a society's rules and regulations - and the ego-ideal - the internalization of one's goals. [10] Hence, the basic psychodynamic model focuses on the dynamic interactions between the id, ego, and superego.[11] Psychodynamics, subsequently, attempts to explain or interpret behavior or mental states in terms of innate emotional forces or processes.
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Lots of youtube documentaries to watch on this subject.

Id, ego and super-ego - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Id, ego and super-ego are the three parts of the psychic apparatus defined in Sigmund Freud's structural model of the psyche; they are the three theoretical constructs in terms of whose activity and interaction mental life is described. According to this model of the psyche, the id is the set of uncoordinated instinctual trends; the ego is the organized, realistic part; and the super-ego plays the critical and moralizing role.[1]
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Id, ego and super-ego - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
The ego acts according to the reality principle; i.e. it seeks to please the id’s drive in realistic ways that will benefit in the long term rather than bringing grief.
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According to this I'd have an ego that is overpowered by the id. I am also wondering if animals have an ego and superego...
Do other (non-human) animals have ego's? - Yahoo! UK & Ireland Answers
How do we know that humans have egos in the psychological sense that you mean it? It is just a theory; it isn't anything observable that we can objectively measure or prove. Therefore, who knows, maybe animals do have that type of ego. Maybe not. I'm still not convinced that humans do, because the theory of the id, ego, and superego originally came from Freud, and he's also the guy that said that little boys develop sexual feelings for their mothers because they are afraid that their fathers will cut off their penises! I'd say believe whatever you'd like!
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He has a point. It's just a theory. It's not like these three elements reside in different parts of our head.

This (simple wiki) never fails:
http://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/Id,_ego,_and_super-ego
The Id, ego, and super-ego are ideas created by Sigmund Freud. They are three concepts to explain the way the human mind works.

Freud describes the human mind as interaction of id, ego, super-ego. The ego, and to some extent the super-ego, is conscious or on the surface. The id remains unconscious. Together they make up the personality.

According to this model of the psyche, the id is the set of uncoordinated instinctual trends; the ego is the organised, realistic part; and the super-ego plays the critical and moralising role.[1]

The id, ego and super-ego are functions of the mind, not parts of the brain. They do not correspond one-to-one with actual structures of the kind dealt with by neuroscience.
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I guess, according to this theory, I've got a pretty big Id, and weaker ego and superego.

Out of curiosity:
http://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/September_11,_2001_attacks
The September 11, 2001 attacks, shortened as nine-eleven, 9/11 or "9-11", were four attacks by terrorists that happened on the same day. Four groups of people, each with a trained pilot, captured airplanes and flew them into US landmarks. These landmarks were the World Trade Center's twin towers in New York, and the Pentagon. The fourth plane crashed before reaching its target in Washington, D.C. After the event, the USA government said the people who had done the attacks were close to the terrorist group al-Qaeda. During the events, nearly 3000 people died. Most of them were from the United States, but over 300 were from other places, such as the United Kingdom, India and Canada.
View of the World Trade Center and the Statue of Liberty at the moment of 9/11 attack.

Due to the attacks, planes are now a lot more secure.
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This is hilarious.

Anyway, I'll have to study more on this subject once I get home. Psychodynamics, and I might even reconsider the concept of Aversion therapy. I need all the help that I am willing to give myself. I ain't going to the compulsive gamblers meetings. Hell no.

But I'll look into this:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aversion_therapy
Aversion therapy is also used in the self-help community to treat minor behavioral issues with the aid of an elastic band, the user or patient would snap the elastic band on his/her wrist while an undesirable thought/behavior presents itself.
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In fact the elastic band method is so simple that I am already putting it into practice. I am snapping the elastic band I took from my drawer and placed on my wrist, each time I attempt to scratch my head, which is a nervous tic I have. Let's see if it works. If it does, I'll apply it on an industrial scale, including to eating. If it works, I'll be able to solve all problems, including compulsive gambling.
 
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Never had imagined that the journalists were all in on it as well:

SEPTEMBER CLUES - full version - YouTube

Awful situation in the US. Just about everyone at the top is an accomplice. Whether it was real jets or not, the media is very likely to be part of this, too. Just think of this BBC video:


So ok, the BBC had advance knowledge of this war on terror scam from the very start.
 
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On self-control, id-ego-superego

It is really a fascinating topic on which few of us ever consciously focus.

My problem of compulsive gambling is related to self-control, and if you will, the personality could be divided, as Freud, said in these three parts: id, ego and superego. From what I understood after reading something on wikipedia yesterday:

1) id is about the instincts
2) ego is about the reasoning on the future impact of instincts and an effort to achieve a balance of egg today and chicken tomorrow
3) superego is about morals and what we do for the world

It may be partly wrong, but I have to move on and for what I need it, I am done with this representation of the forces in one's personality.

I have no problems with the superego and morals. I am much above average as far as morals. So I am only going to be concerned in the fight between id and ego, which is where I am very weak. I lack in self-control, especially where it hurts me (not the others, where superego is at play). This may be due to the very rigid education I received, and therefore, being so exhausted from the superego, all the fuel went into behaving properly for society, and I had not fuel left to power the ego, in its fight with the id. But this may apply to many other people other than me. Let's not focus on superego from here on. But just on ego vs id, which could also be defined as "self-control" in restraining what we want to do now, instinctively, but is not good for our future (and superego could be defined as "not good for society").

Now another question is relevant: is ego and its "self-control" function a resource 1) like oil that gets depleted, 2) like muscles that could be strengthened but only up to a point, or 3) like knowledge, that could be accumulated (virtually) endlessly?

An early exercise in restraining our impulses and instincts is what we get through education. I don't know what kind of self-control that is, because it is imposed by parents. But it is certainly related to self-control.

For example, there's people all around me here at the office who are whistling, littering, and other rude things, and these are all things that I do not do. Is this an exercise in self-control ordered by the ego or superego?

You see these same people may have no problem with compulsive gambling, so I am thinking that maybe I am using up all my self-control resources in respecting others (if they do get depleted) and I have none left once I get home and I am faced with the urge to trade.

Could that be? Could it be that I am rewarding myself for good behavior throughout the day at the office, with reckless unrestrained behavior once I get home?

Whatever it is, I can't change my good behavior now. I don't think that's a good idea, because I also benefit from it.

So the question is indeed this: what behaviors benefit me in the long term and how strong am I in implementing them and in discarding behaviors that do not benefit me?

Let's start with a list of apparently useless (but I don't know what instincts are behind them) behaviors and let's analyze how much I engage in these behaviors and assess and verify how much I could refrain from them.

1) complaining: apparently useless. In reality I feel a need for it, but I don't know why exactly. I know it makes me feel good. But it is useless and it could hurt me if the person I complain about finds out.

2) scratching my head or nose. Apparently a waste of time, but once again I feel an urge to do it. Can it be stopped without side-effects? Would the energy spent in stopping this behavior lack in other useful areas?

3) obviously, the most important one is compulsive gambling, which is why I am still at the office and not retired yet. This is by far the clearest example of how I hurt myself by satisfying my need for action. Again, I don't know exactly why I feel the need for this type of action, but the damage is clear.

4) slouching: it's not good for me, but I feel more comfortable doing it.

5) eating snacks: not good, but i feel like doing it

6) drinking beer: not good, but i feel like doing it (once a month - I am not an alcoholic)

7) eating unhealthy food: i don't buy it but if I find it at home, I can't keep myself from eating it

8) taking the cab to work and from work: very expensive, but I do it, because it's more comfortable (and "comfortable" in turn means many other things of which some I can't describe)

The list could go on for one hundred lines, and I will later create an excel file with everything I can think of, so I will analyze my day and see if I can increase my self-control and how I could go about it.

Once again, the thing I want to test by monitoring my self-control is if:
1) self-control can build up like a muscle (up to a point)
2) self-control can build up like knowledge (virtually unlimited)
3) self-control is limited and gets depleted

Indeed it could be that you cannot just deny yourself every single instinct and urge you have. It might even be that if you do so, you will take it out on something else or someone else. It makes me think of sleep-deprivation and those other torture methods I have read about.

This (point #3) would also explain why I am so weak at self-control especially in being prone to compulsive gambling. I feel my parents have forced an awful amount of education and self-restraint and religious beliefs on me, and my lack of self-restraint as far as compulsive gambling might be a way for me to say "the hell with you" or "finally an area where no one can criticize me: I'll indulge in this, at will".

There's so many things ("education" and "politeness" and "learning" and "culture") that my parents forced on me up to the age of twenty, many more than on the average person, that I might be relieving all the stress and indulging in all the freedom through compulsive gambling.

I've narrowed it down a lot, because initially I thought compulsive gambling could be coming from self-sabotage, unwillingness to make money, guilt for making money (from my parents concept of work, and trading as something immoral), but now I am deciding that this is very related to eating binges... and therefore the long list of long-term damage that could be addressed by self-control.

In other words, I am now finally deciding to focus on my discretionary trading as a problem of compulsive gambling (which is not granted), and my compulsive gambling as a problem of self-control (which is also not granted).

In this sense, compulsive gambling is simply one item of a long list of things that bring you pleasure now and damage later, and if I can learn to control the others, I can also learn to control compulsive gambling.

So let's keep on building that list. I will then try to test my self-control and see if it's like oil and it gets depleted or if it can be increased and up to which point.

9) scratching myself when I feel itchy - this doesn't cause any damage (but still a waste of time), but it could still be stopped via self-control and it would not cause damage if I stopped scratching myself.

I will keep writing this list on excel. Ideally I should draft a list of about 50 behaviors to monitor.

Once the list is finished, I can see already two ways to go about it:

1) seeing how much time i can go on refraining from all 50 behaviors (scratching, complaining, slouching, etc.) and seeing if I can increase, day after day, that time

2) seeing if I can make myself stop those behaviors one at a time. For example, I've stopped biting my fingernails a long time ago. I wonder though if this was replaced by compulsive gambling. If it is so, then this would mean that it is indeed a finite resource and if you stop your urges in one field they will resurface in another field.

A problem I have is to find an effective and quick way of monitoring these behaviors because I don't want to start doing something that will take me so long that I will stop after two days. Ideally I shouldn't even have to write anything down.

Another thing to test is if I can obtain anything via aversion therapy, such as by snapping an elastic band on my wrist each time I do something on that list of useless (waste of time) or harmful behaviors. I would not group them as "compulsive behaviors" because it might be misleading. We couldn't call slouching a "compulsive behavior". However, the majority of these behaviors could be correctly identified as "compulsive".

Another one is taking the cab. That is not at all a compulsive behavior, but I am putting it on a list of behaviors that could be avoided with will power and could bring long term benefits. Obviously if you're a businessman and you have a meeting this would not apply because you would get long term benefits by taking the cab. If instead you have no rush to get anywhere and taking the cab makes you spend money without bringing you any long term benefits, then this, too, is an area where self-control can benefit you, by postponing self-gratification for a longer term goal.

Here's what I've written on excel so far:

complaining
scratching
gambling
slouching
eating
drinking
taking cab
talking

Yes, because talking, too, is something of an urge that in some cases will bring us no benefits. For example, we feel uncomfortable and we talk: but what are we changing really? Nothing. I am in a cab, I feel uncomfortable about the silence and I start a conversation: no gain for anyone involved most of the time. Or when you feel bored, and you make a phone call. That could be avoided, too. We know very well that not all our phone calls are motivated by an exchange of information that will benefit either party.

Crossing your legs, I just added. Even crossing your legs is something that I can't explain but that responds to some apparently useless urge. It will not bring me any benefit in the long term, but I nonetheless feel like doing it, because, like compulsive gambling, there's something within me that needs it.

But then, would it not be wrong, to deny yourself things that you apparently need? The problem in answering is that I do not know what I need all these things for. I do not know why I need: compulsive gambling, scratching my nose/head, eating snacks, calling someone when I have nothing to say/listen to.

Apparently, if I stopped all these behaviors, there would be no damage. At the same time, it is clear that something in me is constantly urging me to do these things.

I must be careful not to mix with this category those behaviors such as adjusting yourself in the chair, or changing position every once in a while. That is almost as necessary as breathing. There's a fine line between these two categories. Scratching: if you don't do it, you're not going to cause damage to yourself - i don't think so. That is why you can sleep. Otherwise you'd have to stay awake to scratch yourself. On the other hand, adjusting your position on the chair may be useful in blood flow and similar. All right, I'll get back to working on that list.

This morning I noticed another urge. As I was getting dressed, I noticed that I was walking and that I always walk around, while buttoning my shirt. Does this bring any benefit? Is it telling me that my body wants and needs to move? What if I sat still? Would it make any difference? Would I develop an ulcer? Who knows. I am going to call this "walking around" and I am going to assume it is just like scratching, useless, and that it's a good exercise in self-control.

The list now:

complaining
scratching
gambling
slouching
eating
drinking
taking cabs
talking
crossing your legs
walking around

Let's not forget that I am writing this list not to just monitor myself but to ultimately find ways to practice and increase self-control. Because I am directly linking my compulsive gambling to a problem of self-control.

I just added "hating". Hating is a waste of time at the very least. Let's say you hear noise from the neighbors, whether at the office or at home. The noise bothers you, out of education you don't go and tell them to be quiet, and you start hating: you think they're stupid, you think they're rude, and so on. And you keep thinking about how rude they are, how much you'd like to kill them, and so on. In turn this leads to complaining, which is another waste of time. The thing to do is to either make them stop or not think about it. Everything in between is at least a waste of time.

I am going to add a column, titled "essential damage", to describe what the essential damage caused by a given behavior. For example, for "scratching" I am not going to worry about the minor damage to hair that scratching my head does, but I'll focus on the fact that sometimes I go on scratching my head for several minutes, during which I stop working.

This is what I have so far:

complaining - time
scratching - time
gambling - money
slouching - health
eating - health
drinking - health
taking cabs - money
talking - time
crossing your legs - health
walking around - time
hating - time

I will probably end up with only 20 of these categories rather than 50 as I expected. While I was writing this post, I noticed myself engaging in:

scratching
hating (the neighbors for talking, laughing)

I haven't done anything else. I noticed also that I am relaxed now that I am monitoring myself. For example, sometimes when my colleague is here (today he didn't come) I feel stressed out, because this guy is restless, and my face gets tense... I don't know how to define this in English. I feel like biting my lips or similar. Basically my face is not relaxed. I have a forced grin/smile, because he's usually saying something stupid to interact with me. Well, obviously, being with him in the room is not the same as being in the room alone. Now I am totally focused and almost totally relaxed.

I am going to add "showing off". Sooner or later, now and then, we all feel like showing off something. This is a waste of time at least. I don't know why we feel the need for it, but it is likely to even be harmful, as it certainly doesn't make feel the other person more comfortable. But showing off... I will categorize it as damage done to reputation, rather than a waste of time. Because it is just one small sentence that will carry potential negative consequences for months if not years. Imagine something as stupid and childish as "I am better looking than you are", "smarter", "richer"... or any action that stresses it out.

All this work for what? I won't be ready to trade again until I'll be in control of myself. If I cannot refrain from scratching my head, from eating sweets which I find i the refrigerator (I don't buy them), from complaining.. then I won't be ready to stop compulsive gambling either. I need to find out if I can build up some self-control muscles. And my gym cannot be my trading account again, because it's too expensive and because it never works. I just keep on blowing it out in the process. The gym is going to be my daily life, for two reasons: 1) it's cheaper and 2) I will benefit from it.

The main thing I am thinking of is these four kilos that I've had for the last few years which I never managed to lose.

I will keep adding to the last in the next few days. For now I'll stop here.
 
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more on aversion therapy

Aversion Therapy for Beating a Craving
Aversion therapy became popular a long time ago. It works on the premise that if pain associated with a certain action is greater than the pleasure associated with a certain action, you will stop doing this action.

So, try this:

Place a rubber band large enough to fit loosely (so it's not cutting off your circulation) around your wrist. Now, every time you have a food craving for something that you know you don't need, simply snap the rubber band hard enough to hurt (obviously not hard enough to bruise or damage your skin.

This action will stop the craving immediately!
Click to expand...
I've been thinking about this. This could very well be a placebo. If you think it works, it works because you believe in it. Nonetheless, whatever it is, I am going to try it in the next few days, to deal with the mentioned list of harmful urges. The most important point about the above quote is this: "It works on the premise that if pain associated with a certain action is greater than the pleasure associated with a certain action, you will stop doing this action".

This would imply it is not a placebo but also that I have to snap the rubber band much harder depending what urge I am addressing. For example, let's classify these urges according to their strength.

First of all I want to get rid of "taking cabs" because it's simply not an urge. It's too unrelated to these things. Taking cabs is comfortable, effective and not at all an irrational urge such as scratching my head or compulsive gambling. It would be misleading to keep it in the list.

It seems that the urges cannot be classified by the strength of the compulsion because every time I give in they're at the highest level. So I could either classify them by how frequent they are or by how long I was ever able to stop engaging in these behaviors.

For example, if you asked me how strong is the urge to bite your fingernails, I'd say "zero", because I've stopped for over a decade.

Let's analyze different urges and see how they would be rated:

1) compulsive gambling
longest period without it, but with trading account available: two months (excluding the trading with the investors where I never touched anything, but it's not the same thing).
frequency (when doing it): daily

2) scratching head
longest period without it: two months
frequency: daily, several times a day

3) complaining
longest period without it: can't remember
frequency: daily

It seems to me that the frequency is almost useless and I should just focus on the max time without as a measure of intensity of the urge. According to this measure, the urge to complain is even stronger than the urge to gamble.

I also got rid of "drinking", because I never had a drinking problem. I want to narrow it down to just the things that are an urge to me to the point of being a problem. It's very strange to me that I don't develop an addiction for things for which people usually do, but I do for compulsive gambling (trading). I don't have a problem with drinking or smoking, and I can smoke or drink any time I want to, without getting addicted.

Anyway. The list will keep on being populated in the next few days, as I'll keep focusing on myself and my urges wherever I will be.

Speaking of population, in the meanwhile, a colleague walked into my room and I showed him the FEMA camps and coffins and stumbled across a pretty good article and impressive picture:
Fema Coffins: Why So Many? | Evil Music Industry

fema-coffins.jpg

It's happening soon and it's happening in theaters near you. I am expecting a civil war or similar within the next 6 months. I wonder if the world will be hit by peak oil or by the next engineered civil unrest first. Or if the two things will happen at once. I wonder if the markets will still exist after this happen. I wonder if the internet will still be around six months from now.

There will be some sort of war in the next six months, whether nuclear or caused by peak oil. Something is happening very soon. My prediction? They're going to do a false-flag nuclear attack on the US and blame it on Iran.
 
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More thinking.

In the last few days I noticed that as soon as I connect to this forum, my overall internet connection starts having problems: it's an Italian ISP, but in the past this same Italian ISP provider is known to have had interaction with the secret services and even the CIA:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SISMI-Telecom_scandal

And if it's happened a few years ago, I am sure it's still going on, especially since the USA as a police state is becoming more and more of a reality.

Even though I may be paranoid and I didn't test it extensively, out of laziness, I will stop posting from home, because I don't want to take any risks, and I have a feeling that the CIA has a reach even in Italy, and they might not like all my posts on 911 and other truths and facts about what's going on in the US (and has been going on for decades).

So this is my last post for the week, because I don't want to get disconnected at home by posting here.

Here's my last reflection. I noticed that as soon as my boss left the room (he was stressed out about something) I received his stress and I noticed that I had almost immediately crossed my legs. I guess this could apply to the rest of my list: all those behaviors might be a consequence of stress. And where did I receive a lot of stress in my life? At home, while interacting with my father. Even if he never told you a word, his face and body posture would transfer stress to you. Let alone the decades he spent actively stressing me out, with his words and tone. So this compulsive gambling of mine and all the other compulsive behaviors are probably a direct consequence of all the stress my father has given me all my life. In fact, I also noticed an increase in my gambling after having a rough day at the office.

I need to monitor the relationship between stress and compulsive behaviors and see how I can exploit it. For example: avoid stress in order to avoid compulsive gambling. And so on. The causes of stress might still be there, but you might reduce your stress by changing your attitude and not caring to fix those things that stress you out. Then I'll see if removing stress is enough to reduce/eliminate those compulsive behaviors.

For the weekend, I'll keep watching the rest of this long list of "conspiracy films", which in the CIA-edited wikipedia language means "films telling the truth":
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_conspiracy_thriller_films#Films

The truth is that the "official versions", the story told by the US mass media should be classified as "science fiction".
 
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Some more thinking on the concept of this struggle between ego and id, from a secondary connection I have.

Our autopilot is the id, and it can make us do a lot of things that do not benefit us in the long term, such as overeating, smoking, drinking alcoholic beverages, spending money we don't have to satisfy other urges. The Id - at least the way I am accepting Freud's framework and after only reading half an entry in wikipedia - as I was saying, the Id answers an endless flow of urges, including breathing. The scale of necessity of these urges starts with breathing and ends with things that I still haven't figured out how necessary they are. I wonder if stopping them can cause side-effects, in other words I wonder if we should satisfy all of them and what is the price of not doing it.

Let's draft an example of this scale:

1) breathing: you can't do without it, but you could still choose when to breathe, and postpone it, even up to a minute (several minutes if you're trained).

2) sneezing

----- in this first section above there's urges that are GOOD and therefore I am not planning to gain control of them by spending ego energy. From here on, there could be some useful practice in developing and strengthening self-control --------

3) scratching your body when you feel itchy: this you could do without, but even not scratching yourself when you feel the urge for it, might have some side-effects, which I do not know, but which could simply be the depleting of energy from your ego: energy useful for stopping other urges. In this sense, this link says a lot about this:
Ego depletion - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Self control - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
In sum, although there is empirical evidence that self-control is a limited mental resource, a number of studies support the notion that self-control is nevertheless a resource that can be increased through suitable "exercise".
Click to expand...
In other words, this confirms as I was thinking that self-control is like a muscle: you can't use it endlessly but you can increase its power and endurance.

Now, the urge to scratch yourself when you feel itchy is very hard to resist, so this is really borderline, and the next ones seem to be urges that we can and should try to resist when they benefit us.

4) the urge to eat sweets - we all feel it to some degree. For some of us it is so low that the ego (self-control) overpowers so much that they don't even realize it. The ego is consciously or unconsciously saying "nah... I don't need to bother buying an ice cream, it's going to make me fat, it's going to cause cavities because I cannot brush my teeth for while, etc.". But for children it will be a lot different.

5) the need to move when you're awake. This morning I woke up a bit early and realized that I should have kept sleeping another two hours at least, and made a point to not get up, but I could feel a tug-of-war a struggle between my Id, in this case my body, who wanted to get up and move, and my ego, that was saying "not a good idea: get some more rest or you'll be tired all day long". In the end my ego won, also because I was a bit sleepy: I could not do it now. Of course if I forced myself: I could force myself to lie still for another two hours, but maybe I would not fall asleep, which helps the task. The point is to only refrain from those urges that hurt you, but the process of strengthening your self-control could go through exercises that refrain from urges that do not hurt us much, such as scratching and moving.

6) Compulsive gambling if you haven't done it for 24 hours. This is about its place on my scale. If I have money on my account, I can't refrain from looking for trading opportunities, even more than I feel the urge to eat (cfr. below).

7) eating when you haven't eaten for 24 hours. I can easily go without eating for 24 hours.

8) eating sweets: if there's a cake in the refrigerator, it will be a tough exercise to not touch it, day after day. I can resist one day, but at least up to now, I haven't been able to resist for longer. But I will not feel the crave enough to get dressed, go out and buy it: the same applies to drinking alcoholic beverages, smoking... if they're in the house (never), then I am safe. If I am at the restaurant, I usually get a beer. Occasionally I even buy cigarettes, but I throw them away after smoking one. Very low smoking and drinking urge for me.

I wish I had a self-control meter, to measure how strong my self-control is and how much will power I have exercised in any given day, so I could keep track of my improvements if any, and understand what causes it to decrease.

I am thinking that maybe it's not my ego that's weak, because for example, with my trading systems I have shown that I can do a lot of hard work for long term purposes and give up on a lot of pleasures, those for regular people (going out and so on). I think that by denying a regular life to my Id, i have enraged it, without realizing it. I have a raging Id, that says "what the ****, man: I can't do jack ****!? when can I have some fun? there's no way I am giving up on this cake now - I have gone on for days without having any fun - there's no way you're going to deny me some compulsive gambling. I am not taking 'no' for an answer".

To verify this theory I would need to develop a self-control meter and see how strong my self-control is when I live a regular social life: seeing people and playing sports essentially instead of working/studying all the time as I've been doing so far.

I remember that when I am on vacation I have a much easier time at controlling those mentioned urges: biting fingernails, scratching my nose/head... I don't remember how I behaved as far as compulsive gambling, because usually the connection or the account was not available. And because I'm on vacation so rarely. But I would suspect that when you're having a social and physical activity, and you're less stressed out, you have an easier time controlling your urges.

This morning, as I was lying in bed, I was thinking of actually killing my "Id" and destroying all these urges for good, but can it be done? And is it a good thing?

Some of course cannot be stopped: I cannot stop the urge to breathe and eat every once in a while. So my Id cannot be killed.

A "good habit" would be this: the ability of dealing effectively with a given urge. For example the child cannot hold his urge to pee in his pants, whereas the adult can wait. The adult has a "good habit" and doesn't even feel consciously the effort his ego is making in stopping that urge, so this answers the question of whether stopping our urges is good: since people go on living all their lives without any problems and yet they're always refraining from pissing in their pants, this means it is ok to say "no" to your urges. But it is true nonetheless that you do feel a bit frustrated when you haven't been able to pee for the last 24 hours. Or if you drank a lot of beer and can't pee immediately.

So maybe, as we do for pissing, we could develop a lot of "good habits". In this way, once they become a habit, we can start working on a newer habit, and the new muscle is used up only on working on new habit. In this sense we might however take some fun out of life. But if we don't abuse this, it is a good thing - I realize this if I just think of all the damage I've done to myself with compulsive gambling, which in turn is forcing me to renounce a lot more things than compulsive gambling itself. It's making me stay at the office for many more years. Awful urge to satisfy.

So, recapitulating, we have several categories of urges and we're not going to be concerned with the first category of necessary urges: breathing, sneezing.

In the long term, we're not going to be concerned with scratching when feeling itchy either and similar non-harmful urges, but we can use them to practice.

The category of urges where we want to acquire good habits are those that are harmful in the long term: in my case eating, scratching and compulsive gambling. With compulsive gambling, I can't practice because that would mean losing money in case of failure.

For the other two, eating and scratching, i could at once practice and develop a self-control meter.

This could be done by having food on the table, a sweet, and trying not to eat it. Or it could be done with other food as well. It's going to be hard however to have an overall measurement of how much will power and self-control I have used during the day.

But my guess is that our self-control is always the same. What becomes better is the knowledge that we can acquire good habits. Once you know you can have a cake in front of you and not eat it, and once you know you can acquire that habit of resisting the urge to eat it, then your knowledge makes you confident and confidence makes you stronger. Like for intelligence or mathematical capability. Two people with the same knowledge can perform in different ways depending on their confidence. I've learned this with math, by going from insecure to confident. I used to not try and think "i suck at math" whereas now I think I can do it and therefore my chances of succeeding are a lot higher, because at least I read the exercise.

So for example: now I am hungry. I have some cherries. I will wash them. And put them in front of me until my mouth waters, but then I won't eat it. As I do this, I will monitor my Id, and my Ego and their ongoing tug of war.

The whole point right now is to find out whether your self-control develops like a muscle and you can resist more urges, or your self-control stays the same, and you acquire good habits. I think it's the latter. What I am saying is with pissing, i don't have the urge I used to have when I was two years old, so I don't feel I am using up any self-control, I am not depleting any ego at all, in not pissing my pants. So maybe the ego/self-control always stays the same and you simply increase the amount of "good habits" - meaning the amount of urges you are so used to controlling that it doesn't take you any effort anymore.
 
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Was is Only a Paper Moon? 1 of 6 - The Moon Landing Hoax - YouTube

Yet another excellent documentary showing evidence that we never went to the moon. There's so much evidence and such meticulous research that it's a pain in the ass to watch: boring. After all the evidence on the government killing JFK, faking the moon landing, and creating 911, you'd expect the american people and the world to wake up, and yet nothing, because they're not informed: the public and even the politicians are not informed. Even my father who's a professor and a politician, and is deemed a genius by everyone around him, says that he believes in all these things, and why? Because those around him believe in them, and why? Because... ultimately the television said so. We're all relying on the US mass media, and it is all owned by the corporations and the CIA-FBI-government.

Great explanation of this problem by a former congresswoman, all within the first minute:


"...both of those parties have been captured by special interest and those special interest are the antithesis of the interest of the people". This is the only congresswoman I know who has spoken out on the 911 truth and is still alive. Some others did the same but got killed (plane crash, etc.).

Regarding the self-control I am thinking that maybe I need to give myself some sort of reward, periodically, in order to "fuel" my ego and self-control with the necessary energy to resist more urges. Almost like you do with dogs and horses, giving them sugar or similar, to train them (I am against this crap of training animals - they should be left alone). The only problem is that, after denying my Id so many pleasures, I don't know what's left as a self-reward.

It seems as if I took all the fun out of life, and my Id is a raging Id and it demands some other form of "fun", and so it engages in compulsive gambling, eating and nervous scratching.

If I really never found anything else (I don't know if watching a movie could qualify as a reward, because i find it tiring, as if it were work), food might be a reward, but only if I can get to view a normal amount of food as reward, otherwise i'd get fat. So I could reward myself if I brainwash myself into thinking that a regular amount of food is a reward. In our modern western society we've forgotten what it means to be hungry, we've grown spoiled and many things that could have been considered "rewards" today, such as hot running water, a hot bath, not having to work in the weekend, being on a part-time schedule... all these things I have, I forgot how precious they are, and I am feeling as if I had no rewards to feed my Id with. I might be able to realize this, and change it around, and enjoy modern technology. Watching a movie, watching tv, making a phone call, and so on. There should be no need to go out of my way to find new and bigger rewards for refraining from these three urges of eating, scratching and especially compulsive gambling. For sure, before i'll be sure that I am in control of myself, I will not wire any more money to my account.
 
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