Best Thread Joke of the day
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TheBramble
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Well, I guess after having a boy named Sue, they could have expected little problems along those lines....
Salty Gibbon
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20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity
1.At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a
HairDryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries
withThat.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has
GottenOver Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors."
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With TheProphecy."
8. Dont use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital and Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme.
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical
SoundsAll Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their
Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You ByYour Wrestling Name, Rock Hard.
17. When The Money Comes Out Of The ATM, Scream "I Won!,I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards TheParking Lot,
Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To
Have To Let One Of You Go."
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......
20.Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile...It's Called
Therapy
1.At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a
HairDryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries
withThat.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has
GottenOver Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors."
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With TheProphecy."
8. Dont use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital and Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme.
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical
SoundsAll Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their
Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You ByYour Wrestling Name, Rock Hard.
17. When The Money Comes Out Of The ATM, Scream "I Won!,I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards TheParking Lot,
Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To
Have To Let One Of You Go."
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......
20.Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile...It's Called
Therapy
dr l - how sick are you?
as sick as....
police have found chinks in morecombs sea defenses!
in a chineese resturant:waiter waiter do you have coc kles on the menu?
plenty sir its waiters were short of.
police have found some of the dead peoples names-
wade inn
sin kinn
god its cold
help im fu*kin drownin!
waiter, why the long wait for the table?
no one to do the dishes sir.
as sick as....
police have found chinks in morecombs sea defenses!
in a chineese resturant:waiter waiter do you have coc kles on the menu?
plenty sir its waiters were short of.
police have found some of the dead peoples names-
wade inn
sin kinn
god its cold
help im fu*kin drownin!
waiter, why the long wait for the table?
no one to do the dishes sir.
Doctor Pete had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and the sense of betrayal and foreboding were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him:
"Pete, don't worry about it. Really! You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it pass, relax mate?"
But, invariably his other voice would bring him back to reality:
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"Pete, you're a vet!"
Cheers
Mayfly
The guilt and the sense of betrayal and foreboding were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him:
"Pete, don't worry about it. Really! You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it pass, relax mate?"
But, invariably his other voice would bring him back to reality:
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>>
"Pete, you're a vet!"
Cheers
Mayfly
This is truly a heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some builders. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day some builders turned up to start building a house there. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all of them rough diamond types, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of
the first week they even presented her with a pay packet containing £5.
The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the
appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the clerk was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own wage packet at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a crew building a house." "My goodness gracious," said the clerk, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those useless c**ts at B & Q ever
bring us the f**king plasterboard".
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day some builders turned up to start building a house there. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all of them rough diamond types, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of
the first week they even presented her with a pay packet containing £5.
The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the
appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the clerk was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own wage packet at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a crew building a house." "My goodness gracious," said the clerk, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those useless c**ts at B & Q ever
bring us the f**king plasterboard".
JTrader
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The President''s Puzzle
Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.
"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.
"How long did it take you?"
"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"
Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.
"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.
"How long did it take you?"
"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"
The joke that got Ann Winterton sacked (Tory MP):
Two sharks swimming around. One says to the other "I'm bored with eating tuna all day, shall we try something else?"
"Sure, why don't we swim over to Morecombe and go for a Chinese"
Quoted from C4 news.
Two sharks swimming around. One says to the other "I'm bored with eating tuna all day, shall we try something else?"
"Sure, why don't we swim over to Morecombe and go for a Chinese"
Quoted from C4 news.
JTrader
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Mum and Dad were taking young Billy for a walk through the park one sunny afternoon when all of a sudden, in the bushes a short distance away, Billy spots two dogs going at it. Billy says, "Daddy, what are they doing?" The dad responds after some quick thinking, "Why son, their making a puppy."
Later that night Billy was thirsty and got out of bed to get a glass of water. As he walked by his mum and dad's room, he heard a noise and looked in only to find them going at it. Billy shouts, "Daddy what are you doing?" The father, quite embarrassed, replies "Why Billy, we're making a baby." "Quick, turn her over..." declares Billy, "...I want a puppy!"
Later that night Billy was thirsty and got out of bed to get a glass of water. As he walked by his mum and dad's room, he heard a noise and looked in only to find them going at it. Billy shouts, "Daddy what are you doing?" The father, quite embarrassed, replies "Why Billy, we're making a baby." "Quick, turn her over..." declares Billy, "...I want a puppy!"
TWI
Senior member
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After years of research, scientists have discovered that Women do not like the standard mouse given away with PC's. The scientists found that there is not a physical reason for their aversion; it is more of a psychological problem. Some women reported that their mouse 'just didn't feel right 'in their hands.
Based on the research, a new mouse has been designed especially for women.
Julie from Hounslow said "It feels so much better. More comfortable, more
like how it's supposed to be" Lisa from London added "I think mice were
originally designed just for men, but this new type is definitely made for
women. It fits right in with my lifestyle".
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![url]](/proxy.php?image=http%3A%2F%2F%5Burl%5Dhttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.trade2win.co.uk%2Fgallery%2Fdata%2F526%2F8326iron-med.bmp%5B%2Furl%5D&hash=65a23b21b41ccc68abd6b2dc756e0102)
Based on the research, a new mouse has been designed especially for women.
Julie from Hounslow said "It feels so much better. More comfortable, more
like how it's supposed to be" Lisa from London added "I think mice were
originally designed just for men, but this new type is definitely made for
women. It fits right in with my lifestyle".
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Salty Gibbon
Experienced member
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The pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out.
After about an hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong. He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles. He said that the goods news was that all the pope had to do to be cured was to have sex.
Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought,the pope stated, "I agree but under four conditions."
The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over all of the noise there arose a single voice that asked, "And what are the four conditions?"
The room stilled. There was a long pause. The pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex.
"Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex.
"And third she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with who she is having sex, she can tell no one."
After another long pause a voice arose and asked, "And the fourth condition?"
The pope smiled and replied, "She gotta have big tits."
After about an hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong. He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles. He said that the goods news was that all the pope had to do to be cured was to have sex.
Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought,the pope stated, "I agree but under four conditions."
The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over all of the noise there arose a single voice that asked, "And what are the four conditions?"
The room stilled. There was a long pause. The pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex.
"Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex.
"And third she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with who she is having sex, she can tell no one."
After another long pause a voice arose and asked, "And the fourth condition?"
The pope smiled and replied, "She gotta have big tits."
Bloke walks into the the best Harley St. doctor money can buy. "Doctor, I've been diagnosed with AIDS! I need a cure."
"Thats one of these new diseases isn't it?" replies the doctor. "Come back in 2 hours. I'll look into a cure meanwhile."
Our friend returns 2 hours later."Doctor, have you found a cure?"
"Well" said the doctor, "You must leave my surgery, and go to the nearest pub. Drink 15 pints of Guinness and 5 pints of larger. Follow that with a large whisky. After, go for a curry. Order the hottest on the menu, and wash it down with a magnum of red. Go back to the pub and drink another couple of whiskies."
"And that will cure me?" The man asks excitedly.
....drum roll.....
"No. But it will tell you what your ar$e is for!" ba-baaam!
"Thats one of these new diseases isn't it?" replies the doctor. "Come back in 2 hours. I'll look into a cure meanwhile."
Our friend returns 2 hours later."Doctor, have you found a cure?"
"Well" said the doctor, "You must leave my surgery, and go to the nearest pub. Drink 15 pints of Guinness and 5 pints of larger. Follow that with a large whisky. After, go for a curry. Order the hottest on the menu, and wash it down with a magnum of red. Go back to the pub and drink another couple of whiskies."
"And that will cure me?" The man asks excitedly.
....drum roll.....
"No. But it will tell you what your ar$e is for!" ba-baaam!
Female Hormones Discovered In Beer!!!
Beer Study:
Yesterday scientists suggested that in consideration of the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a look cutting back their beer consumption.
Scientists discovered the female hormones while conducting a study in which 100 men were fed a case of beer within a one hour time period.
The scientists observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
NO further testing is planned.
Beer Study:
Yesterday scientists suggested that in consideration of the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a look cutting back their beer consumption.
Scientists discovered the female hormones while conducting a study in which 100 men were fed a case of beer within a one hour time period.
The scientists observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
NO further testing is planned.
JTrader
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Lesson Number One:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit noticed the crow, and asked, "Can I sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered, "Sure, why not."
So the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested.
All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit, and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Number Two:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," the turkey said and sighed. "But I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a week, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon, though, the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson Number Three:
When the body was first created, all the parts wanted to be boss. The brain said, "I should be boss because I control all of the body's responses and functions."
The feet said, "We should be boss since we carry the brain about and get him where he wants to go."
The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."
Finally, the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the boss. So, the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up, and refused to work.
Within a short time, the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic, and the brain fevered. Eventually, they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss -- any asshole will do.
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit noticed the crow, and asked, "Can I sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered, "Sure, why not."
So the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested.
All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit, and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Number Two:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," the turkey said and sighed. "But I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a week, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon, though, the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson Number Three:
When the body was first created, all the parts wanted to be boss. The brain said, "I should be boss because I control all of the body's responses and functions."
The feet said, "We should be boss since we carry the brain about and get him where he wants to go."
The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."
Finally, the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the boss. So, the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up, and refused to work.
Within a short time, the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic, and the brain fevered. Eventually, they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss -- any asshole will do.
tradesmart
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