Best Thread Joke of the day

Greatest Joke Ever?

Just before the war,a Jewish comedian walked onto a Munich nightclub's stage.He stood to attention and gave a proud,arm-outstretched and palm to the floor Nazi salute.The audience looked at each other,murmured and one by one they rose and joined him. When silence descended he said:-"Last year,the snow was this high in Garmisch Partenkierchen."
 
A stock analyst and a Wall Street broker went to the races. The broker suggested to bet $10,000 on a horse. The analyst was sceptical, saying that he wanted first to understand the rules, to look on horses, etc. The broker whispered that he knew a secret algorithm for the success, but he could not convince the analyst.

"You are too theoretical," he said and bet on a horse. Surely, that horse came first bringing him a lot of money. Triumphantly, he exclaimed: "I told you, I knew the secret!"
"What is your secret?" the analyst asked.
"It is rather easy. I have two kids, three and five year old. I sum up their ages and I bet on number nine."
"But, three and five is eight," the analyst protested.
"I told you, you are too theoretical!" the broker replied, "Haven't I just shown experimentally that my calculation is correct?!"
 
Q: Why did God create stock analysts ?
A: In order to make weather forecasters look good.
 
There are primarily 3 different types of investors who post on the message boards.

1) Those who don't know anything: approx. 10%

2) Those who know a little: approx. 10%

3) Those who don't realize they don't know anything: approx. 80%


I think I belong to group 3..
 
I really didn’t know much about the stock market until becoming a senior in college. Here’s what happened.

There was this guy, Ed, in my dormitory the entire 4 years of college. He was the genius type with bad eyesight. He had these thick coke-bottle glasses and never went to class, but he always got A’s on every test. Instead of going to class, he just sat in his room and studied the stock market. He had stock charts all over the walls and even had a computer before you could even buy them in a store!

Upon reaching my senior year, I realized it was time to get serious about making a living, that I would need to go out and make some money. So I went down to talk to Ed.

"Ed," I said. "I’ll work as hard as I have to. Tell me how I can end up with one million dollars in the stock market." He scratched his head, then lowered his head and looked at me over the top of those thick glasses and said, "Start with $2 million."
 
A guy came in a bar for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ"?
The man replied, "130".
So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, chemistry, philosophy, and so on.

The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool".

Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responded, "100."
So the robot started talking about the football, baseball, cars, fixing the house, and so on.

The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool".

A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "70".

The robot then said, "So, what's stocks are you buying these days?"
 
Very subtle, Dr. Lecter, having come from a binary backgound it has deep meaning. :cheesy: I was also bottle fed on Octal and Hex.
 
Well CM u just failed the first part of the test :)

Perhaps the Doctors profile might hold a clue?
 
Not even that.
Just rest your pointer on the doc's www button at the bottom of the post... as Mr C should know.
Must be all those ooioiiioioiiioioiooioiooioioiioiiiooioioiioooioioiiiooooi'S m8.

Oops, hope I didn't swear in a binary sort of way :LOL:
 
A physicist, a chemist, and an economist are shipwrecked on a desert island with only a can of beans to eat and no way to open it.

The physicist makes a suggestion: "I can calculate just the right angle, mass, and velocity of a projectile that will knock the top off the can."

"No!" the economist cries, "That might spill the beans." The chemist then says, "I can make a compound from some local plants that will eat through the tin and open the can." "Fool! That would contaminate the beans!" says the Economist.

Exasperated, the other two ask the economist if he has a plan. "Of course!" says the economist, "The solution is simple. First, we assume we have a can opener..."
 
Huw, I only got 125 on the 'Ultimate IQ Test' and I need 126 to be able to join!
 
If it's an american thing us brits will probably not get it.

And that's from the guy who only got 401 on the test...

No hold on, that's the wrong way round...
 
A middle-aged woman was looking at herself in the full length bedroom mirror before getting into bed. "Just look at me" she said. "I'm going grey, my arms have gone all flabby, my boobs have drooped, my tummy is too big and my thighs are all cellulite". Turning to her husband she said "Tell me something positive about myself".

He thought for a moment, and then said "I see your eyesight is still as good as ever"!
 
On the subject of intelligence discussed above, I dont know if anyone saw BBC 2 last night about the traits of millionaires and entrepreneurs ?

Anyway one common apsect was that, by normal IQ measurements, they werent too bright and many suffered from dyslexia. What they did have was unusually high energy levels, belief in their ability, single mindedness and when they didnt like the rules to something they just changed them to allow themselves to be successful.

By those standards I am not looking good to become a millionaire.


Paul
 
Hi
Try this brain teaser. Some of you may get this very quickly, then again you may not.
A man and his son are involved in a car accident. The man is killed and his son is taken to hospital with serious injuries for which he will need an operation. The surgeon meets him on the way to the operating room and shouts; Oh my god thats my son! How come?
 
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