Best Thread Joke of the day

An Englishman, Irishman and Welshman were drinking in a bar. After a while the Englishman looked at the palm of his right hand , tapped several times on it with the index finger of his left hand, and then put his right finger in his right ear and started speaking.

"So what's all that about?" said the Irishman.

The Englishman said "I've had a mobile phone implanted into my right had so that I can speak to anyone I want to at any time. good isn't it"

Then the Welshman started tapping the side of his face, and then started speaking to an invisible companion.

Again the Irishman was puzzled. "Hey - what's going on?" he said.

Simple said the Welshman. " I've had a mobile phone implanted into my tooth and an ear-piece directly implanted into my ear. It means I'm never out of touch".

Not wishing to be outdone, the Irishman left the bar and re-appeared 5 minutes later with his trousers around his ankles and a long piece of loo roll hanging from his backside.

The Englishman and Welshman were perplexed and eventually could stand it no longer. "Hey - what on on earth are you doing?".

The Irishman appeared surprised for a moment, and then looked down over his shoulder. "Hang on. I'll be with you in a moment" he said "I've got a fax coming through"!
 
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"I have good news and bad news," the defense lawyer says to his client." "What's the bad news?" The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene."
"Dammit!" cries the client. "What's the good news?" "Well," the lawyer says, "Your cholesterol is down to 140."
 
And once again the low self-esteem therapy group meets here at
the Salvation Army Hall next Tuesday at
3.00 P.M. Remember that we prefer if you would use the back
entrance.
 
Lol!

I only know michael jackson jokes and im sure every1s heard them all before anyway!
 
The one that starts... What is worse than letting your kids have Wacko Jacko as a baby sitter?
 
Yup-im sure everyone knows that one!

And the one about drugs being found at his home
 
Didn't hear the one about the drugs... pm me. The baby sitter is just in too bad taste to post.
 
A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school
and said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop." The girl
kept walking.

Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car
with me and I'll give you two lolly pops." She kept her eyes on
the sidewalk and continued on her way.

The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of
lollypops!"

Finally, the girl turned and said "Look daddy, YOU bought the
Ford, YOU ride in it!!!"
 
A man returns from a trip to Amsterdam and is feeling very ill.
He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the
hospital to undergo a series of tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the
hospital and the phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor," says the voice on the phone. "We have the
results back from your tests, and I'm sorry, you have an
extremely contagious and deadly sexually transmitted disease
known as G.A.S.H.

"G.A.S.H?" replies the patient. "What the hell is that?"
"It's a combination of gonorrhea, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes,"
explains the doctor.

"My gosh, Doc!" screams the man in a panic, "what are we going
to do?"

"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes and
pita bread," says the doctor matter-of-factly.

"Will that cure me?"

"Well no," says the doctor, "but it's the only food that will
fit under the door."
 
Why did the driver stop on broken yellow lines? Because he ran into the back of Fudgestain's Elephant.
 
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up
her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of
arguing about who should go and answer the doorbell, the wife
gives up, quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door
neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says "I'll give you £800 if
you drop that bath towel and show me your naked body" . After
thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands
naked in front of Bob. After a few moments of sheer delight, Bob
hands over the £800 and leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps
herself back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she
reaches the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "who
was that?" "It was Bob, our next door neighbour," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800
he owes me?"
 
Why does Micheal Jackson prefer 28 year olds?

Because there's 20 of them!

(sorry - doesn't work as well in type does it)
 
Jack goes into a pub with a monkey. The landlord isn't very happy about it but Jack says "he's really well behaved and won't cause any trouble", so the landlord weakened and agreed to let the monkey come in.

He soon regretted it. The monkey was swinging in the beams, throwing beermats, spilling drinks and generally making a pest of himself. Finally he went to the snooker table and swallowed a snooker ball. "Right - that's it!" shouted the landlord. "Out you go and don't come back" and Jack and his monkey were thrown out into the street.

Next week Jack comes back to the pub with the monkey. At first the landlord wouldn't let him in, but Jack was really persuasive and eventually the landlord agreed to let them both in provided the monkey didn't cause any trouble. So the monkey sat on a stool in the corner and Jack chatted with customers and the landlord all evening. The monkey just sat there quietly and was perfectly behaved. At the end of the evening the landlord came over to him with a bowl of peanuts and offered it to the monkey, commenting on his good behaviour. The monkey took a peanut, bent over, reached back, and stuck the peanut up his bum. "Hey what's going on" said the landlord. "Don't spoil it now - you've been so well behaved!".

"I'm sorry" said Jack. "It's just that after swallowing that snooker ball last week he has to measure everything!"
 
Loving Husband

Several men are in the locker room in a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing.... the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
 
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