Best Thread Joke of the day
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fudgestain
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One of the elephant jokes: why did the elephant paint his feet yellow? So he could hide upside down in a bowl of custard!
Scripophilist
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A fundamentalist and a speculator go on winter skiing holiday to the Alps. Upon arriving at the cabin the fundamentalist goes to the window and comments, "Look, Snow is falling".
Instantly, The speculator replies, "Sell snow"
(True story!!)
Instantly, The speculator replies, "Sell snow"
(True story!!)
Popped out for a couple of pints earlier. I was just about to leave when the barman put a beer in front of me.
I said " I didn't order that"
He said " A bloke over there in the other bar bought it for you. He said he went to school with you"
I said "Which one?"
He said "The bloke over there with the bald head, beard and glasses"
I said "Don't know what you're on about, I never went to school with a bloke with a bald head, a beard, and glasses"
I said " I didn't order that"
He said " A bloke over there in the other bar bought it for you. He said he went to school with you"
I said "Which one?"
He said "The bloke over there with the bald head, beard and glasses"
I said "Don't know what you're on about, I never went to school with a bloke with a bald head, a beard, and glasses"
Trader333
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I found this "True" story today on Yahoo:
Dog taught to give Hitler salute
By Tobias Schwarz
BERLIN (Reuters) - A German man who taught his dog Adolf to give a Hitler salute by raising his right paw has been charged with violating Germany's anti-Nazi laws for a series of incidents in recent years, a Berlin court says.
Police investigated the man after members of the public complained they had seen Roland Thein giving the stiff-arm "Hitler salute" and telling his dog: "Adolf sit, give me the salute!", a court spokeswoman said.
As he was questioned by police the man ordered his black mongrel to give them the Hitler salute as well, she said.
But a Berlin justice official said later on Wednesday prosecutors were dropping the specific charges against the man related to the dog and instead focussing on other incidents in which the man was seen by witnesses using outlawed language such as "Sieg Heil" and "Heil Hitler" in public.
The spokesman for Berlin's justice ministry said it wasn't clear whether it was a crime to order a dog to give a Hitler salute and that's why that was being dropped. He said, however, prosecutors had sufficient evidence from earlier incidents.
Germany has strict laws banning the use of Nazi symbols, but Thein, sporting a Hitler-style moustache and military tunic, said he didn't understand what the fuss was about.
Thein demonstrated Adolf's "Hitler salute" trick to a Reuters photographer in his back yard in southwestern Berlin after summoning the dog from a kennel with "Adolf" painted over the entrance.
"Adolf, give me the salute!" Thein barked as the dog raised his right paw. Thein also said he welcomed the media attention he and his dog were getting.
The trial is set for Thursday. Thein is accused of shouting the Nazi battlecry "Sieg Heil" in front of Berlin police and of wearing a "Hitler" T-shirt and shouting "Heil Hitler" at a market in the city in separate incidents in 2002.
Dog taught to give Hitler salute
By Tobias Schwarz
BERLIN (Reuters) - A German man who taught his dog Adolf to give a Hitler salute by raising his right paw has been charged with violating Germany's anti-Nazi laws for a series of incidents in recent years, a Berlin court says.
Police investigated the man after members of the public complained they had seen Roland Thein giving the stiff-arm "Hitler salute" and telling his dog: "Adolf sit, give me the salute!", a court spokeswoman said.
As he was questioned by police the man ordered his black mongrel to give them the Hitler salute as well, she said.
But a Berlin justice official said later on Wednesday prosecutors were dropping the specific charges against the man related to the dog and instead focussing on other incidents in which the man was seen by witnesses using outlawed language such as "Sieg Heil" and "Heil Hitler" in public.
The spokesman for Berlin's justice ministry said it wasn't clear whether it was a crime to order a dog to give a Hitler salute and that's why that was being dropped. He said, however, prosecutors had sufficient evidence from earlier incidents.
Germany has strict laws banning the use of Nazi symbols, but Thein, sporting a Hitler-style moustache and military tunic, said he didn't understand what the fuss was about.
Thein demonstrated Adolf's "Hitler salute" trick to a Reuters photographer in his back yard in southwestern Berlin after summoning the dog from a kennel with "Adolf" painted over the entrance.
"Adolf, give me the salute!" Thein barked as the dog raised his right paw. Thein also said he welcomed the media attention he and his dog were getting.
The trial is set for Thursday. Thein is accused of shouting the Nazi battlecry "Sieg Heil" in front of Berlin police and of wearing a "Hitler" T-shirt and shouting "Heil Hitler" at a market in the city in separate incidents in 2002.
"Dad, Dad" shouted Damien as he entered the house after a pleasant evening out - "I've got engaged. Her name is Betany and she is a virgin".
"Son" said the father "If you're looking for my approval don't bother. If she's not good enough for her father she's not good enough for you."
"Son" said the father "If you're looking for my approval don't bother. If she's not good enough for her father she's not good enough for you."
Joke time again
One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I
want you to make me a new Ark".
Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being. anything you want after all you're the guv'...
But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch.
This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, . . I want 20
decks one on top of the other".
"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say.
Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
"Yep, that's right, well . .. sort of right . . this time I want
you to fill it up with fish", God answers.
"Fish?", queries Noah
"Yep, fish . . well, to make it more
specific Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling -Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mate, let me get this
right, you want a New Ark?"
"Check".
"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".
"Check".
"And you want it full of Carp?".
"Check"
"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting
to end of his tether............
(scroll down ! It's the best ever !!!!)
(keep going - it's worth waiting for........)
"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".
:cheesy:
One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I
want you to make me a new Ark".
Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being. anything you want after all you're the guv'...
But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch.
This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, . . I want 20
decks one on top of the other".
"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say.
Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
"Yep, that's right, well . .. sort of right . . this time I want
you to fill it up with fish", God answers.
"Fish?", queries Noah
"Yep, fish . . well, to make it more
specific Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling -Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mate, let me get this
right, you want a New Ark?"
"Check".
"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".
"Check".
"And you want it full of Carp?".
"Check"
"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting
to end of his tether............
(scroll down ! It's the best ever !!!!)
(keep going - it's worth waiting for........)
"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".
:cheesy:
FTSE Beater
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If he added lots of sharks as well, he would have wall to wall Carp-Eating 
