Best Thread Joke of the day
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donaldduke
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Q. Whos the new captain of Leicester city?
A. Jack the Ripper.
A. Jack the Ripper.
Mr Cadbury and Ms Rowntree met on a coach journey, it was After Eight. She was from Quality Street; he was a Fisherman's Friend. On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum & Butter and she had a Wine Gum. He asked her name, "Polo - I'm the one with the hole", she said. "I'm the one with the Nuts", he thought. Then he touched her Milky Way. They checked in and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his and into her Snickers and felt the contrast of her Double Decker. Then he showed her his Curly Wurly. But Ms Rowntree wasn't keen as she already had a few Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a Magic Moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he came out his Fun Sized Mars Bar felt
a bit Crunchie. She wanted more but he decided to take a Time Out. However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising. So he did a Twirl and had a Picnic in her Sherbet. At the same time he gave her a Gob Stopper. Unfortunately Mr Cadbury had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught V.D. It turns out Ms Rowntree had a Box of assorted Creams. She had been with All Sorts.
a bit Crunchie. She wanted more but he decided to take a Time Out. However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising. So he did a Twirl and had a Picnic in her Sherbet. At the same time he gave her a Gob Stopper. Unfortunately Mr Cadbury had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught V.D. It turns out Ms Rowntree had a Box of assorted Creams. She had been with All Sorts.
Tramp goes into a hardware store.
Tramp: "Bottle of white spirit please."
Shop:"Can't serve you that mate. I know what you're up to."
Tramp: "No, I'm not going to drink it. I'm down on me luck but I've just got a bit of work painting and decorating, honest guv"
Shop: Well, I like to help out when I can, OK then, over there on the shelf."
Tramp pays goes across picks up a bottle and turns round,
"Haven't got a cold one by any chance mate?"
Tramp: "Bottle of white spirit please."
Shop:"Can't serve you that mate. I know what you're up to."
Tramp: "No, I'm not going to drink it. I'm down on me luck but I've just got a bit of work painting and decorating, honest guv"
Shop: Well, I like to help out when I can, OK then, over there on the shelf."
Tramp pays goes across picks up a bottle and turns round,
"Haven't got a cold one by any chance mate?"
TheBramble
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Sister: "Mother Superior, we've got a case of syphillis in the convent."
Mother Superior:"Thank God - I'm sick of the Beaujolais...".
Mother Superior:"Thank God - I'm sick of the Beaujolais...".
TheBramble
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Still on a Religious Theme...
The pope has been unwell for some time and all the Vatican's physicians have given up any hope of finding out what is the problem.
They call in a the top consultant from the most prestigious hospital in Rome.
He spends a few minutes with the pope and comes back out to talk with the cardinals.
"There's good news and bad news. Which do you want first?" he asks them.
"We're Catholics - gives us the bad news...".
"OK The pope has a rare condition in the testicles which is terminal". There are gasps and small cries of horror.
"And the good news?"
"Well, the goods news is it CAN be cured, but for that to happen - he has to have sex with a woman".
More cries of horror. "Out of the question!", "Impossible!" etc etc etc.
"Well, let's ask the pope" says the head cardinal.
So they approach the pontiff and put the situation to him. He gives it careful thought. After several minutes he responds.
[I know he's Polish, but I've gotta do it in an Italian 'accent']
"I will do this asa my duty is to the church and the flock, but there are 4 conditions".
"Yes Holy Father, what are they"" asks one of the cardinals.
"Firsta, she gotta be blind, so she canta she 'oo she's aving de sexa wiv."
"Second, she gotta be deaf, so she canta heara 'oo she's aving de sexa wiv".
"Third, see gotta be dumb, so that even if she doesa know 'oo she's aving the sexa wiv, she canta tella nobody".
"OK Holy Father, we can arrange all of that I'm sure. But what's the fourth condition, you said there were four conditions?".
"Oh yeah - she gotta ava de biga tittas..."
The pope has been unwell for some time and all the Vatican's physicians have given up any hope of finding out what is the problem.
They call in a the top consultant from the most prestigious hospital in Rome.
He spends a few minutes with the pope and comes back out to talk with the cardinals.
"There's good news and bad news. Which do you want first?" he asks them.
"We're Catholics - gives us the bad news...".
"OK The pope has a rare condition in the testicles which is terminal". There are gasps and small cries of horror.
"And the good news?"
"Well, the goods news is it CAN be cured, but for that to happen - he has to have sex with a woman".
More cries of horror. "Out of the question!", "Impossible!" etc etc etc.
"Well, let's ask the pope" says the head cardinal.
So they approach the pontiff and put the situation to him. He gives it careful thought. After several minutes he responds.
[I know he's Polish, but I've gotta do it in an Italian 'accent']
"I will do this asa my duty is to the church and the flock, but there are 4 conditions".
"Yes Holy Father, what are they"" asks one of the cardinals.
"Firsta, she gotta be blind, so she canta she 'oo she's aving de sexa wiv."
"Second, she gotta be deaf, so she canta heara 'oo she's aving de sexa wiv".
"Third, see gotta be dumb, so that even if she doesa know 'oo she's aving the sexa wiv, she canta tella nobody".
"OK Holy Father, we can arrange all of that I'm sure. But what's the fourth condition, you said there were four conditions?".
"Oh yeah - she gotta ava de biga tittas..."
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The Wanderer
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A middle aged lady was concerned at her fading looks and decided that she needed plastic surgery.A couple of weeks after the operation the swelling had gone down and she was delighted with the result.All she wanted to do was to show off her new face and decided to take the bus into the nearest town.
Stepping onto the bus and paying her fare she turned to the driver and said "How old do you think that I am?"
"About 30"he replied.
The woman said "No I'm 47"
Arriving in town she went into the local supermarket and asked the checkout girl the same question.
"Early 30's" came the reply.
The woman said "No I'm 47"
On to McDonalds for a bite before heading for home and same question again to the guy behind the counter.
"No more than 35" he says
The woman says "No I'm 47"
Feeling very pleased with herself she makes her way to the bus stop to catch the bus home.A couple of minutes later an old guy shuffles up behind her and she just cannot resist one more boost to her ego
"How old do you think I am?"she asks.
The old boy looks her up and down 🙄 and says "I'm really sorry but I'm 85 years old and my eyesight is very poor-I cannot tell your age just by looking at you.However if you allow me to feel your breasts I will be able to tell your exact age"The woman is horrified and gives the old man a torrent of abuse to which he just says "It works every time-it's 100% accurate".
Despite her initial disgust the woman is intrigued and eventually agrees to let the old guy feel her breasts.With that he puts his hand up her jumper,unfastens her bra and cups each breast in turn with his hands :cheesy: :cheesy: :cheesy:
After about 10 minutes she says to him "Thats enough-how old do you think that I am?
"You're 47" said the old man.
The woman is absolutely amazed and says to the old fella "That's amazing-you can tell my exact age just by feeling my breasts-how do you do it?"
"Dead easy"said the old boy-"I was standing behind you in the queue at McDonalds" :cheesy: :cheesy: :cheesy:
Stepping onto the bus and paying her fare she turned to the driver and said "How old do you think that I am?"
"About 30"he replied.
The woman said "No I'm 47"
Arriving in town she went into the local supermarket and asked the checkout girl the same question.
"Early 30's" came the reply.
The woman said "No I'm 47"
On to McDonalds for a bite before heading for home and same question again to the guy behind the counter.
"No more than 35" he says
The woman says "No I'm 47"
Feeling very pleased with herself she makes her way to the bus stop to catch the bus home.A couple of minutes later an old guy shuffles up behind her and she just cannot resist one more boost to her ego
"How old do you think I am?"she asks.
The old boy looks her up and down 🙄 and says "I'm really sorry but I'm 85 years old and my eyesight is very poor-I cannot tell your age just by looking at you.However if you allow me to feel your breasts I will be able to tell your exact age"The woman is horrified and gives the old man a torrent of abuse to which he just says "It works every time-it's 100% accurate".
Despite her initial disgust the woman is intrigued and eventually agrees to let the old guy feel her breasts.With that he puts his hand up her jumper,unfastens her bra and cups each breast in turn with his hands :cheesy: :cheesy: :cheesy:
After about 10 minutes she says to him "Thats enough-how old do you think that I am?
"You're 47" said the old man.
The woman is absolutely amazed and says to the old fella "That's amazing-you can tell my exact age just by feeling my breasts-how do you do it?"
"Dead easy"said the old boy-"I was standing behind you in the queue at McDonalds" :cheesy: :cheesy: :cheesy:
A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps horse dung all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up that horse dung, I'll eat every chunk of it." She says, "You want tomato sauce on that? We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up that horse dung, I'll eat every chunk of it." She says, "You want tomato sauce on that? We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."
TheBramble
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How Many...?
How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?
Change it? CHANGE IT?
We don't change it - WE SMASH IT!!!!
How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?
Change it? CHANGE IT?
We don't change it - WE SMASH IT!!!!
TheBramble
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How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
100.
1 to change it and 99 to share the experience.
100.
1 to change it and 99 to share the experience.
TheBramble
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How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
1 - but only if the light-bulb is ready to change...
1 - but only if the light-bulb is ready to change...
frugi
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