love Littlejohn or hate him this made me laugh....
Some years ago I wrote that while Peter Mandelson might fancy himself as a modern-day Machiavelli, he's always struck me as Iago played by Kenneth Williams.
Mandy is the ultimate courtier, a sort of political Paul Burrell. He would have made someone a lovely butler.
So it is perhaps fitting that he has finally been given a job in keeping with his talents - organising the Queen's 60th Jubilee celebrations. success he made of the Millennium Dome, with its futuristic New Labour vision of a multicultural, multi-faith Britain
Mandelson is already hard at work on his plans. It is designed to be inspiring, inclusive and carbon-neutral.
In the weeks before the anniversary of her coronation, Her Maj will embark on a nationwide cycling tour to meet her loyal subjects.
First stop will be Luton, where she will attend a ritual beheading carried out by the local chapter of Islam4UK, a tradition which dates back to Henry VIII.
Moving on to Northampton, she will visit one of Britain's last remaining shoe-bombing factories, which will be presented with a Queen's Award for Export.
Later that day, in Birmingham, she will inspect a ceremonial march-past by the 3rd West Midlands regiment of Islamic Jihad, who have just returned from a tour of duty in Yemen.
In the Peak District, Her Maj will cut the ribbon at a special ceremony to unveil Britain's one-millionth wind turbine before pedalling to Manchester, where she will be treated to an enthralling demonstration of drive-by shooting, performed by the Moss Side Massive.
The royal entourage will proceed to Morecambe, so Prince Philip can insult some Chinese cockle pickers.
In nearby Blackpool, she will switch off the illuminations to demonstrate Britain's commitment to tackling global warming and open a polar bear sanctuary.
After that, it's on to Edinburgh, where the Queen will formally sign the declaration of Scottish independence. She will join President Alex Salmond and Sir Sean Connery for the ceremonial burning of the Union Flag on Castle Hill and the unscrewing of road signs along the Royal Mile, which is being renamed 'Braveheart Boulevard'. Only the breakaway province of Ibrox will remain part of the United Kingdom.
In Newcastle, she will be taken on a conducted tour of the lively Bigg Market, where she will be greeted by locals wearing their traditional black-and-white replica football shirts and can experience first-hand some of the North-East's quaint folk customs, including binge-drinking and projectile vomiting.
Over in Bradford, she will lay the foundation stone for the new Sharia Court and be guest-of-honour at a forced marriage.
As the big day approaches, the Queen will accompany the Prince of Wales to Cardiff, where she will be treated to a performance of the ancient Welsh 'knickers-round-the-ankles' dance at chucking-out time in the city centre.
At Her Majesty's service: Peter Mandelson will become the ultimate courtier by organising the Queen's 60th Jubilee
On her way back to Windsor, she will open the new Heathrow Terminal Six and inspect the airport's latest state-of-the-art security equipment, which will involve her stripping naked and submitting to a full CAT scan.
At Portsmouth, she will review the Fleet, which by 2012 will consist of a rusty World War II frigate, the Mary Rose and a couple of pedaloes. There will also be a fly-past by the Red Arrow.
In South London, she will open another showpiece branch of IKEA, which will be marked by a display of synchronised stabbing, arising from a dispute over a cut-price sofa.
On the anniversary itself, the Queen's day will begin with a visit to the new Museum of Quantitative Easing at the Bank of England, where the last coins featuring her head are being smelted down for scrap in a desperate attempt to pay off some of Britain's mounting £3trillion debt.
After a modest vegetarian banquet at the Oxford Street Spud'U'Like, Her Maj will unveil a specially commissioned statue of The Unknown Asylum-Seeker outside the Binyam Mohammed Central Mosque ( formerly Westminster Abbey) to mark Britain's population officially passing 75 million.
That evening, the Queen will attend her final Royal Command Performance from the Stephen Gately Theatre, introduced by Stephen Fry and featuring a diverse range of performers, including Graham Norton, Alan Carr and Julian Clary. Broadcast exclusively on Twitter, the top-of-the-bill attraction will be Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand telling the Duke of Edinburgh that they've had sex with his granddaughters.
The following day, the Queen will preside over the State Closing of Parliament, after all remaining powers are transferred to Brussels.
She will then abdicate and hand over the keys to Buckingham Palace to Peter Mandelson, who is appointed the EU's first Lord High Governor-General of the European Administrative Area (Western District and Islands).
Her Maj will be given a 21-handgun salute by the Brixton Krayzee Eyes Killas Possee and piped out on kazoo by the one-man band of the Coldstream Guards, playing his version of the Sex Pistols' God Save The Queen.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/a...OHN-Mandelson-run-Jubilee-God-save-Queen.html
