my journal

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ZN not looking good at all right now. Luckily I barely didn't have enough margin to open a sixth contract.

I am hoping and I am predicting a big fall on the EUR, CL, and all other correlated. And hoping and predicting for a huge rise on ZN and GBL.

Going to happen any time, within 20 minutes.
 
Ok, now everything is looking good for me, except the CL that's still making me worry because I don't understand where he wants to go. I think he got lost, and he actually will end up coming back down and catching up with the others.

Ok, he just asked me where they went, and I told him: the other way.
 
Oh ****, now the EUR has turned and it's going up... I am losing control of the situation here. They should all be going down.

Now the CL has started going up again... it's a mess... the only one listening to me is the ES, but he's a leader, so maybe the others will listen to him if they don't listen to me.
 
Really strange situation: the GBL goes down, and the ZN goes up in a big way.

The ES goes down, and the CL goes up.

The forex tend to go up.

We'll see. I am expecting the ZN to get to at least 117 by today, so I am definitely not closing it now.

On the other hand a large part of the loss has been recovered so the temptation to close it earlier increases, because what happens if for any reason it stops rising, goes the other way, and I still blow out my account after getting so close to fully recovering from my last gambling trade ever?

I am quite worried. If the GBL was rising together with the ZN I would be much less worried.

Also, if forex and CL weren't rising so much I'd feel better, because of how they're usually inversely correlated with the bonds.

On the other hand, the ZN was so totally oversold and has definitely started to bounce, so I don't see how I could ever allow myself to get out of this trade.
 
Yep, it's happening. The GBL is still not rising that much, but the ZN is really taking off.

Now, with 6 contracts open, I'll make 15 dollars every tick times six, so about 100 dollars per tick. So, with 10 ticks, which is what I expect to make at the very least, I will make 1000 and fully recover from my loss. But should I be happy with that?

I should faint in order not to close this position as soon as I recover from my loss. That's the problem with all my gambling trades: they go so much in the red that if they ever recover to breakeven I just exit because of how scared I've been for the previous hours.

Actually I might even exit before breakeven.

So my gambling trades end up being either trades that once every few months blow out my account, or trades that I close at about breakeven, or at the most at a few hundred dollars profit.

So they suck, I suck, and we all suck.
 
**** it... I am going to get up and close the last gambling trade of my life.

The CL is going crazy and it's making me really worried.

The GBL is not rising at all... I am worried.

Please someone hold me from closing it!!!

Just when the markets go my way, I am so scared they will stop that I close my trade!!!

What a crazy son of a bitch!!!
 
I am going to call the doctor for that thing, so I will postpone exiting. You better not fall now!!!
 
Thanks a lot!!! I call the doctor and in the meanwhile you lose 6 ticks... you son of a bitch...

The doctor is fine. I will go see him monday and get my medical papers so I won't have to say "I don't have a medical excuse, so feel free to fire me". 'Cause usually I say that. But this time my ass really hurts it's not like I was just home to catch up with sleep. I don't know what I've been eating. Maybe too much ketchup. What can i say, it's embarassing to have to discuss this in front of everyone, but it's my diary so I have no choice.

Anyway, now the ZN looks bad, but at least the GBL has started to rise to some degree.

What I really need now is the impossible to happen: a huge crash by the CL.
 
Oh ****... nothing is going my way now. The ZN lost 8 ticks from its peak of half an hour ago. The markets are all rising except the GBL. What the **** does the GBL want to do - I hope it's not sleeping...

8 ticks... that's almost 800 dollars. I regret not closing my position then of course. I was almost at breakeven.

On the other hand, there's always some correction between about 17 CET and 19 CET, so I'll have to bear with it for the next 2 hours. Maybe I should just get drunk but alcohol is pretty bad for inflammations. Oh maybe that's what it was. But it's not like I drank anything much.

Anyway... let's find something to do... also because the battery of my laptop is running out soon. I'll have to recharge the battery and not look at the markets for two hours.

Ok, let's do it. I'll go in the bath tub maybe. No ketchup, no drinking.

And, please, no surprises from the ZN when I come back. For the last time: CL, ES, and forex all must go down, and the bonds must go up.
 
Terrible experience. It didn't go my way, but it's hanging there, still. Another hour of hoping.

When I called the doctor I was 20 ticks and 2000 dollars higher - I should have closed it then, but I wanted more. Now that it's obvious that the "more" is not going to happen, I wish I had closed it then.
 
Anything could happen in the next hour. Hopefully it won't close my 6th contract right before going back up. I'm right on the limit.
 
I should have sold when I saw all those things not reacting the same as the ZN, but I had thought they'd follow.
 
All right, I am really really getting screwed. I will keep the 3 contracts open, if I still have the margin for 3. Screw this, screw me... I suck.
 
Good... the more I suffer from this trade, the better. I don't want to get away with it. Not that easily. I am sick of getting away with my martingale trades that only work because I keep on adding contracts, and that once every twenty times make me blow out my account. Martingale and gambling is evil. Top and bottom picking in evil.
 
If this was indeed my last gambling martingale trade it is an historic moment.

It might be even worth to sacrifice a few thousands to celebrate it.

This celebration will probably cost me 3000 dollars.

I can't believe I didn't seize the opportunity of closing this trade at no cost just a few hours ago.
 
With just 15 minutes to go before margin call, all I can repeat to myself is "i suck, i suck, i suck...".
 
I opened up a bunch of contracts earlier, when it was much higher, and now they'll all get closed lower, leaving me no possibility of recovering from the loss.
 
With just 3 months of journal everyone on the forum grew tired of my gambling (even telling me in private messages), and maybe even disappointed. I am the only one who didn't get tired of it, and I am the one who pays the most dearly for it, and not just for 3 months but for 12 years. It's about time for a change.

It's time for a change. I am tired of bleeding for no reason except a moment of pride and temporary gratification. I am tired of deceiving myself into making trades that work most of the time, and once a month give me a loss of 2000 dollars. I am tired.

I am tired. I am tired. I am tired.

I am tired of not having control over my trading and my balance.

I am tired of being at the mercy of the markets, after opening a trade, for days and days, because I can't accept a loss.
 
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