my journal 3

[Yamato]

Ok, I couldn't resist the urge and now I am back into 10 different positions (I bought CAD and two different grains futures). Totally diversified.

The only regret I have, either than the usual depressing thoughts I mentioned, is that I'll have to roll over my NG position in about 2 weeks.

 

[Adamus]

I think the fundamental issue about death that plays havoc with the human mind is that death is the ultimate loss, and humans are very loss-averse. Apparently according to Kahnemann and Tversky, we weight a loss psychologically twice as heavily as a gain. That's just what we are, and is ingrained deeply in our psyche, ever since we were amoebae in the primordial soup. To think about it is to make it worse. Finding 'enlightenment' or whatever you want to call it is the solution. Well that's how I think about it. I think most people lose themselves in business* in order to avoid having to think about it.

* I mean busy-ness or being busy

 

[Yamato]

Yeah... thanks for your thoughts on this unpleasant subject.

In the meanwhile, I couldn't help wondering and researching a little bit about this same old subject and I found these:
http://www.abc.net.au/news/2013-12-20/scientists-develop-anti-ageing-process-in-mice/5168580

"I've been studying ageing at the molecular level now for nearly 20 years and I didn't think I'd see a day when ageing could be reversed. I thought we'd be lucky to slow it down a little bit," University of New South Wales geneticist Professor David Sinclair said.

"The mice had more energy, their muscles were as though they'd be exercising and it was able to mimic the benefits of diet and exercise just within a week."

Sorry, this video has expired
VIDEO: Dr Nigel Turner from the University of NSW explains the research (ABC News)
Professor Sinclair led the study from his base at Harvard Medical School in the US.

"We think that should be able to keep people healthier for longer and keep them from getting diseases of ageing," he said.

The researchers also looked at particular diseases in the old mice.

"We looked at diabetes, we looked at muscle wasting or frailty, and we also look at inflammations as something that gives rise to many diseases like arthritis. All of those aspects of ageing were reversed within that week and that was really quite a striking result," Professor Sinclair said.

http://healthland.time.com/2013/12/19/reversing-aging-not-as-crazy-as-you-think/

...chemical called NAD...

...anti-aging effects of the red-wine compound resveratrol...

...

It seems very promising. On the other hand, there is something about it that doesn't convince me. Why aren't the richest people a little bit older? Since they could definitely afford these products and they'd definitely be willing to spend money to extend their life, let alone double it.

Yes, sure David Rockefeller is indeed 99, but he certainly doesn't look like he's been taking NAD or these medicines fed to those mice (cfr. previous links).

http://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Rockefeller

What about Warren Buffet? Same objection. Not that old, and not that young-looking. And yet he has all the money he wants. Why isn't he trying these things? Or is he trying them and they don't work?

At 99, I would not be worried about the risks of being a guinea pig for these NAD and other medicines being tested on mice. Among the other things, Rockefeller and Buffet probably own these labs doing the tests, so either they're lying about the mice results or these people don't care to live longer.

Or... there may be another explanation. These people, the queen and Rockefeller in particular, are rumored to be reptilians. So maybe they don't care about aging, because they can turn back into lizards, by drinking human blood.

...

These people in the know, the gold bugs and the conspiracy theorists, have gotten me to waste 2 years by writing on a daily basis, for maybe up to 5 years or so, about the "imminent" collapse of the dollar, hyperinflation and rise of gold and silver.

 

[Yamato]

 

[Yamato]

No nightmare matches the thought of disappearing forever. In this sense, waking up from any nightmare is better phrased as "waking up to a nightmare". Crazy how people say "wake up, it was a nightmare".

Relative to the thought of disappearing forever, judgment day is also a pretty pleasant thought, because it would prove there's a god, no matter how evil. You'd be very lucky to experience judgment day.

This is why I am deciding that it's over, my days of thinking about death. I can't bear it any longer. As usual, I'll postpone these thoughts for another few years. As usual I couldn't bear the thought of it for too long.

I remember, as a child, I asked my dad what was up with this story of death. This mother ****er told me not to worry about it because it would happen very very slowly and imperceptibly. He's Catholic but he didn't tell me about paradise or anything. I suppose I blame him for giving me life and therefore death as well. Or should I thank him instead? I don't know. I don't feel like creating a child and then having to tell him about the reality of life and his future death.

If I think about this any longer, I'll either turn into a Christian or I'll go crazy and think that I am Highlander, the last immortal:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Immortal_(Highlander)

At the same time, I won't totally forget about this story, keep my eyes open for age-reversing methods, similar inventions, I will treat my parents and relatives more nicely than ever, and even my colleagues, but i'll still try to forget about this thing a little bit, or I'd risk dreaming of being Highlander or turning into a Christian.

I'll still run the systems, too.

If I wanted to forget about my tinnitus, I was successful. Focus a little bit about death, and you'll forget every other problem.

Anyway, I've been through these thoughts before, right on this forum as well. It's not worth it right now to go back and find where I wrote about it, whether on this journal (I think so) or on the preceding one ("my journal 2"). It happens to me every 5 years on average, but the last time it was just 2 years ago.

 

[Yamato]

(Regarding what I said in my previous post: "This is why I am deciding that it's over, my days of thinking about death. I can't bear it any longer. As usual, I'll postpone these thoughts for another few years. As usual I couldn't bear the thought of it for too long.")

Ouch... this is painful. I can't just make it go away at will. This realization of mortality will probably stay with me for several more weeks.

I just woke up to a nightmare as usual, the nightmare of a limited life.

I don't even know if I want to leave a trace of my existence. I'd rather not. I don't like the idea of people reading this after I am dead.

I don't even want my corpse to be looked at, and I don't want a funeral.

Maybe immortality will be achieved by humans, but I was born too early for that. The scientists are still too dumb, and influenced by big corporations.

It seems to me that religion, the religion all these people around me believe, Catholicism, is merely an invention to keep people peaceful, obedient, fearful and full of hope rather than desperate.

It seems to me that humans have been inventing religions and gods for a long time. And they're getting better at it.

The fact that my parents, whom I appreciate and am attached to, believe themselves in the Catholic dogmas does not mean that it is a fact. If I had been born 2000 years ago, my parents might still have been good guys, believing in the Roman gods. And I'd be wondering, wow, these people are good guys, they created me, treated me very nicely, and they believe in these gods, so it must be true.

And now we all laugh at those gods, but we don't laugh at the presently popular god of Catholics. And yet what difference is there? Did I at least witness any miracles? Did this god ever get in touch with me?

Nope, he's as imaginary as the roman gods.

So, I can't really hope for him to exist any more than the roman gods, although he's described to be much more likable than the roman gods.

And I still hope for him to exist and be true, but I wouldn't bet on it.

This is so true that even Catholics, and even the pope, do not bet on the existence of this god. Otherwise why would we see pictures like these:



Why should anyone be afraid of dying, especially the pope?

These are all huge contradictions. Even doctors and hospitals, in a catholic country like Italy, do not have a reason to exist.

In this framework, and state of things, where even the pope doesn't believe in god and afterlife, any one of us would be lucky to even just meet satan and super-lucky if he ever witnessed a miracle, or even just a real exorcism. In fact, I will need to investigate both matters.

In the meanwhile, I'll still be a vegan and I'll still run my systems.

And I dreamed I was dying.
I dreamed that my soul rose unexpectedly
And looking back down at me,
Smiled reassuringly.
And I dreamed I was flying,
And high up above my eyes could clearly see
The Statue of Liberty,
Sailing away to sea,
And I dreamed I was flying.

 

[Yamato]

Yup, systems are running fine today, even if it's a Sunday.

For the rest, nothing doing. I can't shake those thoughts.

I might do some charity work, so I can focus on smaller problems. If you're focusing on finding food and shelter, you can't focus on eternity and death. Focus on the immediate future, so to forget the more distant future. Even if those immediate problems aren't mine but someone else's, their perspective will influence me.

Of course this is just a way to fool myself, but, out of all the options I have, it is better to fool myself than to go crazy. Just in case you haven't noticed, I am very good at focusing on whatever is the matter at hand.

 

[Adamus]

It would be interesting to know what the problem is that you have with thinking about death. Does it induce metabolic symptoms of fear, e.g. higher pulse, sweating, nausea? It would also be interesting to know whether you have ever faced your own death and what effect that had, i.e. if you were ever in a near-death situation.

As a corollary to that, since I'm asking, would you ever consider putting yourself in a near-death situation deliberately if the rewards were high enough? E.g. what would the reward have to be if someone offered to play Russian roulette with you?

 

[Yamato]

Songs, movies and religion are very successful in making us forget about death and reassuring us about it.

Another interesting thing or two is these two things that really fool us:

1) family: you always feel like you're not alone, like your children will live after you - i don't know exactly how that feels, because I have none, but that, too, must be a major deception.

2) the fact that people die alone, and not all at once, makes us feel like not that many people are actually dying after all. We read articles saying that this guy died, because he had cancer or was extremely old, and we feel "oh, of course". He was VERY old or had some rare disease: this thing doesn't concern me.

 

[Yamato]

Oh, I hadn't seen your post, Adamus. Here's my answer:

near-death situation: it happened, of course, at least a perceived near-death situation. Consequence: each time it happens (more than once in an airplane), I become Catholic and start praying. Also, after some very dangerous surgery, I was Catholic for a whole month.

Near-death situation on purpose? No, never.

The only exception a situation that seems like near-death, but it isn't, just to show off my bravery, which is merely the knowledge something is not as dangerous as it looks. But I am not doing these things anymore either - I was only doing them when I was a teenager or close to. Things such as walking on the train tracks.

Now I am playing it very safe. And I even just ordered a protection cap, that is stronger than a cap, but doesn't look like a helmet. I want to keep it on at all times.

Russian roulette, by the same token, I would never try it either. Or is it more correct to say "by the same rationale"?

Anyway, why am I focusing so much on this? Well, obviously two reasons:

1) it is a major subject, that also concerns all the other (more superficial) monkeys
2) I am very good at focusing on any subject (if you're a superficial monkey, you will call this quality of focusing "obsessing about something").

Let's read what those in the know, on the web, have to say about this subject:
Why Obsess - Why Do People Obsess Over Things?

Question: Why Do People Obsess Over Things?
I find myself unable to let certain things go. Sometimes something frustrating will happen with someone and it'll bug me for hours or days. I know I'm not the only person who does this. My question is, why do people obsess over things? And how can I learn to stop?

Answer: What you're describing can be frustrating indeed, and a significant source of stress. This may represent rumination, and though it's your mind's attempt to make sense and move on, rumination can catch you in a circular, self-perpetuating loop of frustration and stress. When you're dealing with chronic conflicts in your relationships, you may experience chronic stress from too much rumination. It's important to find ways of catching rumination before you get caught up in it, and working on handling conflicts in a healthy way.
So why do people obsess over things? In my experience, different people obsess over things for different reasons, and some people are more prone to it than others. Some people want make sense of a situation, but can't seem to understand or accept it, so they keep replaying...

You bet I keep "replaying" it -- it is called working on a problem.

You see, the web is populated by superficial monkeys who write articles.

If you're thinking about a real problem, there is no reason to stop thinking about it. It is wrong, on the contrary, to not think about important things.

Of course the limit is when you risk going crazy, by let's say focusing on the concept of universe and infinity.

---

I remember when I was a student, in some philosophy class, there were these two quotes that stuck to my mind, by some... two different philosophers I think.

1) I don't fear death, because when I am here, death isn't here, and when there is death, I am not there.
2) I don't fear pain, because if it's not too strong, I will get used to it, and if it's too strong, I will die.

In #2, the first quote applies, I guess, although I don't think these nice quotes were by the same philosopher -- it must have been an ancient Greek philosopher.

Well, these quotes sound nice, but it's all bull****. It's clearly bull****. A nice sentence could sound right, but nonetheless be wrong. How many times have we phrased something neatly, and later found out it was wrong?

Had I gone up to that philosopher, and told him "ok, so now i can cut your throat, right?", he would have probably said not to cut it.

The same applies to the pope, preaching paradise, heaven and so on, and then travelling in that armored car:

But let's drop the subject. Thanks for feedback, but let's move on to something else. Help me find some financial subject to talk about.

 

[Yamato]

Capital now at about 40k.

Positions:
long on gold, silver, copper, jpy, cad, cl, ng, corn, wheat
short on gbl

Hoping to see my capital increase to about 55k by the end of April, and then I will be activating my systems and letting them run. All I need is another 15k of overnight margin, because as of now, during the night, all margin is used up by my discretionary positions and my systems cannot be activated.

I will also go on vacation from April 18th to May 4th, and without a computer (will be updated via sms by my systems), so there will be no risk of tampering.

Then, if I activate my systems and start making a few thousands per month (definitely possible), I will finally be able to use part of the monthly profit to take regular trips to amsterdam, in order to do drugs.

 

[Yamato]

Every experience ends, but that wouldn't be the problem. The problem is that time ends, or rather that your body decays as time goes by and every experience requires time.

So that life only would make sense if your body didn't decay.

At the same time, even though this experience of life doesn't make any sense, by instinct, we struggle to stay alive as long as possible, even just by desperately looking for food when we're hungry.

The problem begins, or rather the incongruities and contradictions begin when people start to preach about things, such as how we should live life. This doesn't make any sense. Even law and honesty don't make any sense if we realize that we're going to live for a limited time, because there is no ultimate reward for being honest. There is no reward for living an honest life, as no one would be reasonable in caring about his reputation thousands of years from now.

So that's why they invented religion maybe: to make sure people stay honest until the end of their life.

Having children helps in that sense, too, because you care about your children and want to leave them with a good reputation.

Other than all these deceptions (even family and children are a deception: your children aren't the same thing as you), nothing makes any sense, and I am fully realizing this, and it's quite scary and makes me desperate.

Luckily we're not all realizing this at once and therefore, living among all these monkeys, I feel reassured by them and their confidence, including my parents and my relatives.

Of course they've got to defend themselves from my scary ideas, so if I ever tell them something like this I am saying on these posts, I am immediately classified as "depressed". Not as someone who's thinking about some sad realities, but as someone who has something malfunctioning in his head. Pretty hilarious.

Just as when you say that 911 was orchestrated by elements within the US government, the mainstream media immediately label you as a "conspiracy theorist", which is someone who's talking about unpleasant facts. And the other monkeys around me welcome the reassuring news, that US is good and Osama Bin Laden is evil, and that whoever is disagreeing with this reassuring theory, is a crazy "conspiracy theorist", spending too much time on the internet.

I am living among monkeys who tell one another they're "humans", and that they've got it all figured out. The sense of the universe and everything else.

Colleagues who spend half of their life talking about soccer, which they don't even play. These are even worse monkeys than my parents. But even my father, who spends his life studying, teaching and doing politics, is another monkey.

Every so many years I wake up to this reality of being surrounded by monkeys who will be wiped out, one by one, by the passing of time. Then this reality is too painful, and I start thinking that I am Connor MacLeod, and resume living in any one of my favorite movies.

Compared to reality, it would be a great deal to live in Groundhog Day for the rest of your life.

Queen playlist of Ballads/Love Songs:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CjWQZBmJf6M&list=PL2tMgWgIvcWmuE3Bh8Cs873vOU69KBMZd

It's winter-fall
Red skies are gleaming - oh -
Sea gulls are flying over
Swans are floatin' by
Smoking chimney-tops
Am I dreaming
Am I dreaming ...?

There's dreaming, whether nice dreams or nightmares, and then there's something worse: life.

...

And then there's friends, which is better than nothing, "'cause friends will be friends, right till the end":

In fact, I did call up my one friend in Rome today. But parents are better.

There's no time for us
There's no place for us
What is this thing that builds our dreams, yet slips away from us

Who wants to live forever
Who wants to live forever
Oh ooo oh
There's no chance for us
It's all decided for us
This world has only one sweet moment set aside for us

Who wants to live forever
Who wants to live forever
Ooh
Who dares to love forever
Oh oo woh, when love must die

But touch my tears with your lips
Touch my world with your fingertips
And we can have forever
And we can love forever
Forever is our today

Who wants to live forever
Who wants to live forever
Forever is our today
Who waits forever anyway?

These are not just pretty songs. They mostly speak the desperate truth:

There's no chance for us
It's all decided for us
This world has only one sweet moment set aside for us

As a young man you sing them without realizing how sad they are, how sad are the things they're talking about.

...

Damn... what was that video, that video that cheered me up, although I haven't watched it yet:

I hope, when I watch it, that it doesn't turn out to be like the "time machine" for the protagonist of the movie "Idiocracy" (a big disappointment). For one thing, the speaker doesn't look that young.

 

[Yamato]

As I struggle to grasp the extent of my own mortality, and get desperate about it, I also can't help thinking how pointless my own perfectionism is, and by the same token the efforts to achieve any goal whatsoever. If we're mortals, it is all pointless.

There is only one thing left to push us forward: our own survival instinct:
http://wiki.answers.com/Q/How_strong_is_the_survival_instinct

...in every living creature, including humans, it is the strongest and most basic instinct. the most fundamental. so strong it is, that all creatures when being ... breath of air, the last beat of the heart. what ever it takes to live one more day and the .... \n . I don't know because i can't freakin find it! What effect do instincts have on ..

Sounds right, sounds interesting subject to investigate.

In other words, no matter how depressed I'll get, by thinking about death, I'm still gonna kick you in the nuts if you come at me with a knife or similar.

I will keep going forward as long as possible, I won't anticipate my death.

In fact, i was just investigating a few hours ago, while at work, whether depressed people actually live longer than "happy" people (idiots).

Many people actually argue that it is true, that they live longer. I can't tell you about the percentages of either side.

There might also be other factors influencing the result. In other words, if a depressed person stays at home all the time, he'll live a safer life, although living a safer and therefore longer life is not a direct consequence of being depressed and its effect on the body, but a consequence of the safer lifestyle.

 

[Yamato]

On Friday I will leave for 2 weeks. If you don't hear from me, it is not because I committed suicide, but because I am on holiday, as I will be at the island until early May.

Maybe I'll drown, because I plan to swim in cold waters (17 Celsius degrees), otherwise I'll be back.

 

[Yamato]

A quick update, a few hours away from my holiday.

The systems are still working perfectly. Tomorrow I'll post my wonderful email-sms setup, which notifies me about their status: profit, and that everything is working properly.

I won't bring my laptop, so tomorrow I will write my last post before my holiday.

The positions are doing so so, because gold, silver and even copper have been taking a beating again. The banking cartel never let them rise above a given level, and then bring them back to the bottom right away, where they are once again.

The grains have been doing great until today.

Currencies ok, too.

The real problem and the reason why my capital is always at 40k is that the metals are always there, where they've been for the past few years.

 

[Yamato]

One last update before leaving for my holiday.

Positions are doing great, balancing one another, so that my balance is always at the same 40sh thousands, despite some falling by the precious metals.

I am ok with these 10 positions -- I won't add any more. I regret not getting on NQ a couple of days ago, when it was extremely oversold, but I was afraid it would fall more. I guess I can't expect to be right on everything, especially when I make two predictions at once (e.g.: "it could be the bottom, but let's not go long, because it could keep on falling").

One last thing. I want to show you my email-sms setup, with this self-explanatory image:



I'm gonna leave you with this song:

 

[Yamato]

Back, after my 2 weeks of vacation. Without any laptop with me, I have been observing ants and other similar things in nature. Spiders and so on.

I will be posting a few videos on ants and spiders in the next few posts. Systems did ok, without my intervention, I was notified via sms about their progress. Oh, I enabled a few systems. Capital a bit higher than 40k. Nothing exceptional because while my systems made some money, gold, silver and copper have been taking a real beating, for a change.

 

[Yamato]

Two good documentaries on ants:

 

[Yamato]

documentaries on spiders

 

[Yamato]

SPIDER AT WORK