Still alive.
The good news is that I woke up, and I am alive. Without any problems in lungs that could have been caused by HBOT sessions. I recently found out it was a risk. Of course no one had mentioned this to me.
The bad news is that I need to write a lot more, to complain and vent out my frustration for... basically being human.
You're 20 and you think about the future, a limitless thing for you. You play sports, you dream, you space out, think about philosophy... people try to sway you in all sorts of directions, and often they succeed, and not for your own benefit.
You're healthy and you think it is only others who experience health problems. Because, you think, you're blessed by god and he will protect you always.
Anyway, then you age, and you start having health problems, so that by the age of 80, it is not normal if you're not chronically sick and you're even expected to die, statistically speaking.
And when you get hit in your health and see how fragile you are, then maybe money gains even more importance, because it can make the difference between life and death, but the rest of the things lose importance:
1) I don't feel like updating my systems - I still run them every day, but I've set them aside as far as seeing their performance for a few months
2) I don't feel like reading Hitler's biography
3) I don't feel like getting up
Furthermore, I did some research while lying in bed, and here's what I found about the feared eardrum injections:
http://my.clevelandclinic.org/head-neck/diseases-conditions/hic-treating-menieres-syndrome.aspx
What are the risks of a steroid injection?
The steroid is injected directly through the eardrum (also called the tympanic membrane; see illustration). This can cause such events as temporary dizziness, pain and bleeding. Rare risks include damage to ear bones (ossicles) and middle ear infections. There is also about a one percent chance that the hole will remain in the eardrum, which could require surgery to correct.
So here my statistics studies are useful. They say 99% chance of no permanent hole in eardrum, but I still have to get 3 more shots. The previous shots don't count, because there was no damage. So it is .99*.99*.99=roughly 97% chance of getting away with no permanent damage.
Of course no one had mentioned this to me.
...
I wish I could lose my job, but I am far from that risk.
There's so much noise pollution at my job, with loud people, rude people.
If I could trade some of my health, which is gone probably, for not going to my job, I would be almost ok with it.
But nope, I have to return to my job, to these loud people. Despite my related problem.
So sad.
And all I can cling to, that could rescue me from this life, is trading.
All I can cling to is my trades, in which I believed so firmly and that didn't deliver. Gold, silver, corn and the others. I was wrong about all of them. Their rise was not "imminent" as we all told each other on the web. My margin almost totally ran out while waiting for their "imminent" rise. Even now I am not sure if their bottom is in.
My trading will make the difference between living at the beach, and living in the loud city.
If I can reach about 50k again, as I had before, I could resume trading my systems, and that would be a source of income, pretty reliable. Unfortunately I had to interrupt them because my margin was gradually eroded by my trades.
By now I'd have expected gold and silver to be at record highs. I'd have expected my capital to go from 45k to 90k. Instead everything is the way it was last summer, or lower.
I was wrong about gold, silver, corn, JPY, GBL, CL. I was right about natural gas, but I was forced to close it, due to lack of margin.
I was wrong about being immortal. I was wrong about being blessed by the gods and given health of steel. A mere neglected cough gave me hearing loss.
...
Months ago, when everything was under control, here and elsewhere I was pondering on self-control. And I had reached such a good level of self-control as to be able to ask myself every 5 minutes: what is the best thing in my own self-interest in terms of everything I am doing right now? And to do the best thing, at any time. I wouldn't even eat anything bad for me, nor even scratch my head.
Well, I am far from that situation of total self-control now.
I've been scratching my nose, the way I used to do.
As I scratch my nose, I am probably worrying about the upcoming eardrum injections and their risks.
I wish I could go back, even right now, to a self-controlled attitude, whereby I don't feel the urge to scratch my nose, which seems utterly useless and even harmful.
But you can't help feeling out of control when your health fails... due to coughing, which I didn't keep under control, so maybe that was my first self-control mistake, leading to an out-of-control situation.
...
Now I should and could sleep some more, and this would be in my best self-interest, having slept only 7 hours.
But the tinnitus is bothering me.
And along with it, I am being bothered by all these recurring thoughts:
1) disappointment and mistreatment by doctors
2) misdiagnosis and disappointment by relatives
3) lack of support and disappointment by parents
...
Some relevant news as far as my mood is that yesterday I watched, almost entirely, two movies: one with vince vaughn and one with ben stiller. They're bad. That's why I didn't finish them. But I've watched most of them. That tells me that, whether healed or not, I am emotionally recovering.
Another thing that tells me that I am emotionally recovering is that I returned both oxygen tanks, extremely heavy, and I carried them myself to the pharmacies.
Another thing that tells me that I am mentally recovering is that I wrote something about trading on this journal, about gold.
I'll have completely recovered, always mentally-wise (because health is partially gone for good), when I'll start reading Hitler's biography again.
And when I'll stop praying. Which will mean that I am not desperate anymore. Yeah, it sounds interesting. I'll know I've recovered when I'll revert to atheism.
Incidentally, a couple of weeks ago, I had made a pledge even, that if I recovered all of my lost hearing, I would travel to the island to visit the dying maid every weekend.
I definitely didn't recover it, so I don't have that problem.
Being normally atheist, it's interesting how I happen to dwell on religion and these pledges.
As I said, I even went to the Vatican and prayed yesterday.
Even if you're atheist, there's no point is ruling out that god could exist and help you out. I see no evidence of it, but he could still exist and influence our lives.
...
I can sense my mood changing again. Now i'll go a little bit on facebook.
Here's what I found:
This journal is good, so one day I can go back and see what I was thinking in this moment of despair.
...
Now I am in the mood to read and listen to this, but I am still not able to sleep:
http://www.silverdoctors.com/metals...the-lehman-credit-crunch-imminent/#more-37792
