my journal 3

[Yamato]

Big news of yesterday:
http://harveyorgan.blogspot.it/2014/01/jan-172014deutsche-bank-exits-london.html

Yesterday we brought you the big story where the President of the huge German Regulator BaFin stated that they were investigating Deutsche bank in gold manipulation. She emphasized that the manipulation in gold was worse than the bank's manipulation in Libor. Today Deutsche bank removed themselves from the London fix and no doubt others may leave as well.

http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2014-...ing-worse-than-libor-bafin-s-koenig-says.html

Germany’s top financial regulator said possible manipulation of currency rates and prices for precious metals is worse than the Libor-rigging scandal, which has already led to fines of about $6 billion.

The allegations about the currency and precious metals markets are “particularly serious because such reference values are based -- unlike Libor and Euribor -- typically on transactions in liquid markets and not on estimates of the banks,” Elke Koenig, the president of Bonn-based Bafin, said in a speech in Frankfurt yesterday.

Koenig is the first global finance regulator to comment publicly on the investigations as probes into the London interbank offered rate, or Libor, expand into other benchmarks.

I couldn't find anything specific on this news on their website... Wait, maybe I found a speech Elke Koenig gave on the 16th, but it's only in German:
http://www.bafin.de/SharedDocs/Reden/DE/re_140116_neujahrspresseempfang_p.html
For half of the speech, she talks about interest rates.

Then she mentions manipulation (I am using google translate):

Another issue holding us into the new year, the fidelity: the accusations of manipulation around important reference rates. Were initially LIBOR, Euribor & Co. in focus, also allegations were later loudly in the determination of reference values ​​for currency and precious metals markets, it was not received with the right things. These allegations are particularly serious, because such reference values ​​are based - unlike LIBOR and Euribor - typically on actual transactions in liquid markets and not on estimates of the banks.

That this topic in the public beats so high waves, is understandable: It is the financial economy is dependent on the confidence of the general public that it is powerful and it makes honest work. The central reference values ​​seemed beyond doubt - and now the suspicion is in the air, they had been manipulated. Supervisors are busy, work up the past, which is far from trivial and will take some time to complete world. At the same time working at the global and European level on getting the issue of regulatory grip. For what regards transparency and control, there are still plenty of pent-up demand. But the first steps have already been taken and more are in preparation. In Brussels, is currently for example, a change of the Market Abuse Directive in preparation, after which the manipulation of benchmarks should be criminalized. In September last year, the European Commission has presented a proposal to regulate reference values. The same applies as for all other previous reform projects for this draft regulation: they go in the right direction, but not far enough.

 

[Yamato]

We're not supposed to make a tragedy out of our illness, at least according to society and people around us: they want us to reassure them and tell them that we're fine, for example when they ask "how are you doing?".

Instead I tend to make a big deal out of everything unpleasant that happens to me. Every little detail, whether on my journal, to people, and in my mind.

But the others, co-workers, relatives, parents, don't generally allow us to do so. Just as I didn't consider a big deal things that happened to parents, relatives and friends. I ignored their physical/mental problems and didn't worry about them. How can I expect now to be considered a grave case, deserving a lot of sympathy?

I am the first one to behave as society does in general. At least in this case, I cannot claim that I am better. So why do I crave for sympathy? Why do I still want to tell the world how miserable I am?

Well, maybe because I never got any sympathy from my father. He isn't a regular human being. Also, my mom is pretty cold. When they heard my situation, my father was worried that i'd miss any days of work, and he said to try to go to work anyway, instead of looking for cures. My mom instead, being cheap, worried about how much the medicines and treatments that could save my hearing would cost. My dad is obsessed with duty and my mom is obsessed with saving. She fell asleep in the shower because she would not call a repairman due to a gas leakage I had been smelling and warning her about for years. One day she fell in the bath tub while taking a shower, due to this gas leakage that she wouldn't have fixed. My dad instead had a stroke when he was at a political meeting, after spending all night up to write a speech. The same they would like for me: my mom would like me to die saving and my dad would like me to die working. They're not cruel, they just apply their own rules to me.

But I've always received plenty of sympathy and consolation from an aunt I have on the island, which I used to call almost every night. She's closer to a parent than to an aunt, at least in terms of affection she has shown me.

Well, now she has arthritis, and other problems, and her husband has health problems. And even the dying maid worried about my hearing. So, all these people worry about my problems, ask me, listen to me complain and then I feel no caring about theirs. Even when I was 20 and had virtually no problems, they listened to my problems.

This is unfair and I have to stop it.

This means either they stop listening to me, but they won't stop, or that I have to be fair and not impose my problems on them, given that I never cared about theirs. And the same applies to my parents. Yeah, they haven't been real parents, but now I should listen to their problems instead of telling them about mine.

So I've decided that yes, I will finish all the possible hyperbaric oxygen therapy I can get my hands on, but I will stop complaining about my hearing problem, whether it will be solved or not. Also because by now I fear that it won't be solved, and so I slowly have to get used to it, to the fact that I've lost 10% of my hearing, more or less. Maybe let's try to spare myself other losses by not using headphones nor going to loud places ever again.

I guess part of my huge complaining, throughout my life, is that I never received the adequate caring from my parents, so I crave for more. But all in all, it's about time for me to stop complaining about this thing, so from now on, I will try to focus on other things even on this journal. Even if I basically just complain all the time here, regardless of which specific issues.

I am here breathing oxygen and everything, but... I am tired of complaining about this. So there's going to be, in the coming days, more about hitler and trading, and less about this hearing loss.

In the end, according to the general accepted knowledge, we die. This seems to be the most widely accepted fact.

So, I need to organize myself in order to have some hearing left, some eye-sight left, and some smelling left, and the ability to walk, and talk, when my heart will stop beating for whatever reason.

...

The funny thing is that even all these Catholics around me, who claim to believe in heaven, really go out of their way to cure themselves and watch both ways when they cross the street, so it's not like they are showing a lot of confidence about their belief. What you'd expect from someone who believes in god and heaven is that they let illnesses come and go, without any concern, because diseases are sent to them by god, almighty, and their fate is sealed from the start, and if they die and behaved according to their religion, they'll go to heaven. So what should there even be nurses in the Vatican, or people curing the pope? It's a real contradiction.

I believe more in the religious beliefs of muslim/japanese kamikazes than in those of the average Italian Catholic.

 

[Yamato]

resuming from #3820

THE HISTORICAL ROOTS OF THE THIRD REICH
In the delirious days of the annual rallies of the Nazi Party at Nuremberg
at the beginning of September, I used to be accosted by a swarm of hawkers
selling a picture postcard on which were shown the portraits of Frederick the
Great, Bismarck, Hindenburg and Hitler. The inscription read: ”What the
King conquered, the Prince formed, the Field Marshal defended, the Soldier
saved and unified.” Thus Hitler, the soldier, was portrayed not only as the
savior and unifier of Germany but as the successor of these celebrated figures
who had made the country great.

"Was der König eroberte, der Fürst formte, der Feldmarschall verteidigte, rettete und einigte der Soldat".

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frederick_the_Great

Frederick II (German: Friedrich II.; 24 January 1712 – 17 August 1786) was King in Prussia (1740–1786) of the Hohenzollern dynasty.[1] He is best known for his military victories, his reorganization of Prussian armies, his innovative drills and tactics, and his final success against great odds in the Seven Years' War. He became known as Frederick the Great (Friedrich der Große) and was nicknamed Der Alte Fritz ("Old Fritz").

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Otto_von_Bismarck

Otto Eduard Leopold, Prince of Bismarck, Duke of Lauenburg (1 April 1815 – 30 July 1898), known as Otto von Bismarck, was a Prussian statesman who dominated German and European affairs with his conservative policies from the 1860s until he was forced to resign in 1890 by Emperor Wilhelm II. In 1871, after a series of short victorious wars, he unified most of the German states (excluding Austria) into a powerful German Empire under Prussian leadership. He then created a balance of power that preserved peace in Europe from 1871 until 1914.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_von_Hindenburg

Paul Ludwig Hans Anton von Beneckendorff und von Hindenburg (About this sound listen (help·info)), known universally as Paul von Hindenburg (German: [ˈpaʊl fɔn ˈhɪndn̩bʊɐ̯k] ( listen); 2 October 1847 – 2 August 1934) was a Prussian-German field marshal, statesman, and politician, and served as the second President of Germany from 1925 to 1934.

 

[Yamato]

Look at Hollande's women, along the years:

1) first one, very successful politician, born in 1953:
http://fr.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ségolène_Royal

Ségolène Royal, pour l'état civil Marie Ségolène Royal, née le 22 septembre 1953 à Ouakam, près de Dakar1,2 (Sénégal, alors partie de l'Afrique-Occidentale française), est une femme politique française, membre du Parti socialiste.

2) dumped for average political journalist born in 1965:
http://fr.wikipedia.org/wiki/Valérie_Trierweiler

Valérie Trierweiler, née Massonneau, est une journaliste politique française et animatrice de télévision, née le 16 février 1965 à Angers1. Membre de la rédaction de Paris Match2, elle présente entre 2005 et 2011, des émissions politiques sur la chaîne de télévision Direct 8.

3) dumped again, for average actress born in 1972:
http://fr.wikipedia.org/wiki/Julie_Gayet

Julie Gayet, née le 3 juin 1972 à Suresnes, est une actrice et productrice de cinéma française.

Each time he goes for a younger one, but lower in a social ranking.

He reminds me of a friend I have, who's always after 20 year old women, despite his getting older. First he could get them good-looking and from the US. Then he could get them good-looking, but from other countries, for example local ones, from Italy, and now he can still get them good-looking but only from Russia or other eastern European countries. It really makes me sad to see this. Eventually he will have to pay some prostitutes. Which was my first solution from the beginning.

Actually for Berlusconi it was the same deal. Only that he went much much lower than Hollande, because he did indeed go for prostitutes, despite being the prime minister.

Once again, I keep bumping into the same fixed thought: death, passing of time, our growing old, our decaying and our fight against time.

Hollande's fight by going each time for a woman who's born 10 years later, my friend's fight of getting younger women but not from his same background, Berlusconi, too, and mine, too. Trying to fix problems that are almost normal for my age. For example, I certainly mentioned that I take both propecia and rogaine to not lose my hair, and they work.

But what I am really doing is fighting against the passing of time. And now this problem, too, is obsessing me so much... probably because I cannot handle the passing of time, according to which we gradually lose all of our senses. I am not immortal, as I've been hoping all this time. I hope to be proven wrong on this, but I keep getting signals and alerts as to the opposite situation. It does indeed seem that, no matter how well I take care of myself through a vegan diet and taxi rides, and avoiding trouble, despite all this, my body keeps getting worse. It's as if my body were decaying, due to aging.

Unlike what I believed ever since watching Highlander, I am not like the protagonist:

Oh, well, what can I do? I can't just kill myself. Let's just stay alive and see what else happens.

Very sad and depressed but not as obsessed with my hearing today. I think I am getting better. Doesn't mean my body is any better, just means that I feel better. Probably due to just better deceiving myself about my future. I guess all life is about changing things and deceiving ourselves about those things we can't change. Or else there is suicide.

But one thing I do hope and can't stop hoping for: that, after all these problems I've had, finally, gold, silver and corn will show me that rise I've been expecting for so long. It is worth staying alive even it were just to witness this "imminent" rise I've been expecting for so long.

 

[Yamato]

Hitler's Monetary System

IN FAVOR

http://www.rense.com/general77/hitn.htm

"We were not foolish enough to try to make a currency coverage of gold of which we had none, but for every mark that was issued we required the equivalent of a mark's worth of work done or goods produced. . . .we laugh at the time our national financiers held the view that the value of a currency is regulated by the gold and securities lying in the vaults of a state bank." -Adolf Hitler, 1937 (CC Veith, Citadels of Chaos, Meador, 1949.)

"And it proved sound. It worked. In less than ten years Germany became easily the most powerful state in Europe. It worked so magically and magnificently that it sounded the death knell of the entire (Zionist) Jewish money system. World Jewry knew that they had to destroy Hitler's system, by whatever means might prove necessary, or their own [system of usury] would necessarily die. And if it died, with it must die their dream and their hope of making themselves masters of the world. The primary issue over which World War II was fought was to determine which money system was to survive. At bottom it was not a war between Germany and the so-called allies. Primarily it was war to the death between Germany and the International Money Power." --William Gayley Simpson, 'Which Way Western Man' (p.642)

http://mordant-truth.weebly.com/hilter-monetary-system-real-cause-of-ww2.html

Hitler began his National credit program by devising a plan of public works. Projects earmarked for funding included flood control, repair of public buildings and private residences, and construction of new buildings, roads, bridges, canals, and port facilities. The projected cost of the various programs was fixed at one billion units of the national currency. One billion Non-inflationary bills of exchange, called Labor Treasury Certificates, were then issued against this cost. Millions of people were put to work on these projects, and the workers were paid with the Treasury Certificates. ” The government paid workers in Certificates. Workers spent those Certific Hates on other goods and services, thus creating more jobs for more people. In this way the German people climbed out of the crushing debt imposed on them by the international bankers.

Another great aspect of Hitler economic system was barter system. Germans successfully run that B.C system in 20 century and German foreign trade boosted enormously. Barter system cut down the international bankers, and eliminates the exposure to trade deficit.

England was quite willing to lend money to buy raw materials but Germany insisted upon exchanging goods for goods.

“Germany will enter into no obligations to pay for her imports than she is capable of fulfilling. The German Government thus takes the standpoint of the respectable merchant who keeps his orders in harmony with his power to pay” (Hitler)

...

AGAINST

http://realcurrencies.wordpress.com...ces-and-the-myth-of-nazi-anti-usury-activism/

Hitler’s Finances and the Myth of Nazi Anti-Usury Activism
by Anthony Migchels

There is the widespread notion that Hitler was fighting the Money Power and that he was a problem for the Bankers because he created a Usury free economy. But there was no Usury free Third Reich economy. The German taxpayer continued to pay interest over the substantial national debt and commercial banking received interest for its fractional reserve banking based loans, which to a large extent financed the war.

“Our greatest social task is the abolition of interest slavery. This responsibility to abolish interest slavery towers above all other issues of the day. It is the only solution to the greatest problem of our time. The breaking of interest slavery is the most important moral imperative in social terms, it rises in its general significance far beyond all questions of the day, it is the solution of social questions, it is the only way out of the terrible confusion of the time. The abolition of interest slavery will deliver us from ultra-capitalist domination while avoiding both Communist destruction of the human spirit and Capitalist degradation of labour. The abolition of interest slavery opens the way to a truly social economy, by liberating us from the overwhelming domination of money. It opens the way to a state based on creative work and genuine accomplishment.” – Gottfried Feder 1919

Where does Hitler’s reputation for anti-Usury activism come from? It was more Nazi propaganda to get him to power than his actual policies after he did. It was not Hitler, but Gottfried Feder who was the anti-Usury man of the Nazi...

 

[Yamato]

I am looking into portable oxygen concentrators, this seems optimal for me:
http://www.ebay.com/itm/NEW-MINI-OX...ial_Needs&hash=item19cdf3486c#ht_20267wt_1139

A bunch of mistakes on the page, as if it were written by a British-Chinese salesman. But he sounds honest. And it has a 2-year warranty.

I should buy this and bring to my maid, but probably I will be too cheap to do so, and she will die as a consequence. You see, I could buy it right now. I've got the 500 dollars.

But I don't feel like spending them, on anyone, until I have 50k. So basically we could say that my health, or hers, are only worth 1% of my capital.

When I had roughly that 50k, several months ago, I did buy some things that weren't as important and not as expensive, and I applied the same reasoning. Any expense I make has to be below 1% of the capital I have at that moment.

... another option is oxygen tanks, which are free for her, given her health problems, let alone that all my uncles are doctors so they could definitely make sure to get her free oxygen tanks, through prescriptions. But here's what happens. She has an oxygen tank in her house, but since she doesn't want to bother anyone, she won't use it, ever. She'd rather die than use it.

I knew that my love for her, or rather my willingness to sacrifice for her, was limited. Even when I was there, I was sleeping until noon, instead of getting up early and helping my mother or the other maid take care of her. I was letting them do all the work, while sleeping. Yeah, totally selfish.

So, yeah, not wanting to spend these 500 dollars right now does not come as a surprise to me. But if I had spent them for myself, I would have spent them to save her life. But I am not even going to spend them to save my own health, because it's not in that 1% ratio to my available capital.

Let's just admit once and for all, or rather let's admit it again, because I've said it before, that despite all the romantic moments of affection we or at least "I" have for people I like, the real work I am willing to do amounts to less than 33% of the work I feel I should do. If I had more money, it wouldn't be like this, because all work can be bought with money. And time, too, can be bought with money, so that I could be home and research the best product for the maid and then buy it and then travel to bring it to her. And it wouldn't cost me much effort, because I'd have plenty of time and money to spend. That's why we should judge the generosity of a person in terms of percentage of available time spent and available money spent. And I've always been a generous person, but a 1% generous person with relatives, and a 0.01% with taxi drivers and strangers.

...

But I just remembered this: a few nights, can't remember if before or after I lost my hearing (some of it), I was listening all night to German radios, and I woke two or three hours later and they were pretty loud, so that might have caused it, too. Or maybe not, and it was indeed the cough and the virus that caused the swelling that damaged my hearing nerves.

...

Anyway, I've lost. I can't always win, and I can't always lose. This time I lost. I don't think it will come back.

From what I've read.

But here's my plan. If I remember to avoid loud noises, to avoid tv above 20 (some people keep it at 80), if I can avoid headphones, except when necessary, and even then keep them low, and especially avoid falling asleep with headphones on... if I can use all these precautions, I won't recover any hearing, but I will keep the hearing that I would have lost otherwise, slowly, over time, by disrespecting it as much as I was doing.

In this way I might feel compensated for this mistake. This huge mistake of ignoring a hard cough.

...

OMG, I just had that doubt again, that it might have been my headphones. I just checked and here's what I've found:

http://www.pamf.org/teen/health/diseases/mp3hearing.html

How often do you listen to music? How often do you use ear phones/buds in order to listen to your music?

Did you know that incorrect usage of ear buds can lead to hearing loss even at an early age? While listening to music on iPods allows us to relax and reduce stress, it can also cause hearing damage unless used properly.

According to the Journal of Pediatrics, 12.5 percent of kids between the ages of 6 and 19 suffer from loss of hearing as a result of using ear phones/buds turned to a high volume.

Young people are actually vulnerable to hearing loss due to their excessive use of listening at overly high volumes.

Why Now?
Do You Have Hearing Loss?
Preventing Hearing Loss
Why Now?

Portable music players have been around for decades, so why are hearing problems cropping up now? The answer lies in the sheer number of songs iPods and MP3 players can hold.

Older portable music players (such as the Sony Walkman) could only hold one CD or cassette at a time, so people listened for a shorter time.

However, nanotechnology in MP3 players allows us to easily store thousands of songs, so we are more prone to listening for longer periods of time, which can lead to more ear abuse.

Also, the ear buds common on MP3 players deliver the sound directly into the ear canal, eliminating other sounds.
Decibels
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), being exposed to more than 85 decibels (about the level that teens listen to their music today) of sound for eight hours can damage your hearing.

Ok, perfect. Total confirmation. I fell asleep with it, and played it for hours and hours in my sleep.

Here's another one:
http://aliciamcwilliams.articlealle...used-by-physiological-impairment-1068902.html

Even when we sleep, our ears are able to detect sounds as they are, but the mere fact that our minds are consciously inactive would not allow us to be aware of sounds as distinct as they should be when we are awake. Nevertheless, our eardrums are still able to detect these sounds and would still be subject to damage not based on our conscious perception but to the raw sound level that reaches our ears.

This is most evident whenever we accidentally fall asleep with our headphones on. Having them plugged into our ears as we fall asleep pose a great risk on abusing our eardrums without rest from the constant vibrations brought about by the sound focused straight down our ear canals. Imagine a 6-hour sleep at least with constant barrage of sound to our ear.

Ok, I am done with earphones/headphones except for very important matters, like once a week.

------

But maybe it was an ear infection, as we've been hypothesizing for weeks:
http://www.entnet.org/HealthInformation/childrensEaraches.cfm

Otitis media refers to inflammation of the middle ear. When an abrupt infection occurs, the condition is called "acute otitis media." Acute otitis media occurs when a cold, allergy, and the presence of bacteria or viruses lead to the accumulation of pus and mucus behind the eardrum, blocking the Eustachian tube. This can cause earache and fever.
When fluid sits in the middle ear for weeks, the condition is known as "otitis media with effusion." This occurs in a recovering ear infection. Fluid can remain in the ear for weeks to many months. If not treated, chronic ear infections have potentially serious consequences such as temporary hearing loss.

The problem was that, being Italian, I don't trust doctors and didn't get treatment.

There is probably a lot more that I ignore about hearing and about other diseases and one day I will catch something else, and won't cure myself, because I don't trust doctors.

How sad. How sad that my life will be taken away from me, a little by little, first my senses, some hearing here and there, some eyesight here and there, some sense of smell here and there... then I will be in the dark, in silence and without smelling anything. It will be like being dead or in a coma. What are we living for? What is the sense of life? I am not liking it.

...

Another interesting fact I am noticing is that today I was breathing oxygen all day long and now I can't sleep at 3 am, although I woke up at 8.

I looked it up and they all say that oxygen therapy cures insomnia, and I find it true, because I was falling asleep all day long. But now that I am not breathing it any more, I can't fall asleep, not that I am nervous, but because I am not tired. I remember reading that some of the consequences of oxygen therapy is to increase energy and alertness. So isn't this like saying that it causes insomnia? I would think so.

 

[Yamato]

Back. Still alive.

Watching tv and keeping it low. I can't believe how low you can actually keep your tv and still be able to hear it. I guess this thing, this hearing problem, really taught me a needed lesson. That you don't waste your hearing. It's not like a muscle, whereby the more you use it the stronger it gets. For your hearing, the more you use it and the less it works. Kind of like your skin. You can't let the sun tan it and expect it to be the same afterwards. The more you get sun on your skin, the more you're screwed. Of course I know that, as Vitamin D, some sun is healthy. But that's like 10 minutes a day.

Another fun thing to do, besides writing here, is to watch tv and see this american show, where they rebuild your house, and they choose very poor families to help. The first thing to do, which they never do, would be to teach them a healthy vegan diet. It should a requirement for "home makeover" or whatever the show is called. Instead, they find them fat and disorderly, they give them money, a new house, new furniture and appliances... and leave them fat and disorderly, so that their life, within a year, will be just the same.

They need a brain makeover first of all.

Obesity leads to health problems and makes less efficient. So first of all, you need a body makeover, which implies and mental makeover.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epidemiology_of_obesity#United_States

Obesity is one of the leading health issues in US society, resulting in about 300,000 excess deaths per year in the United States.[42] About 65 percent of Americans are now considered either overweight or obese.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/7151813.stm



The stats are quite clear. The most obese country is the US and the least obese is Japan. That gives me one more reason to be long on JPY. As soon as I get enough margin, I will go long on it.

http://www.gallup.com/poll/150359/half-germans-obese-overweight.aspx



Yep, no doubt about it: obesite quadruples your probability of ending up in the hospital or morgue. Let alone the fact that it makes you less efficient, and that the food you eat to get obese in the long run will also give you cancer and other things that the chart is not linking to it. First thing, before home makeover, is mind makeover, body makeover, and if you have the ability to go through that, only then will they hand you a new home, money and furniture.

 

[barjon]

...................How sad. How sad that my life will be taken away from me, a little by little, first my senses, some hearing here and there, some eyesight here and there, some sense of smell here and there... then I will be in the dark, in silence and without smelling anything. It will be like being dead or in a coma. What are we living for? What is the sense of life? I am not liking it..................

You left out your muscles wasting away, your joints grinding to a halt and your bones crumbling until all you are left with is your consciousness - which itself may be suspect depending on how many millions of brain cells have flown the coop.

Live for today, mon brave, lest the clouds gather tomorrow

 

[Yamato]

Yeah, wise advice in a sense, and by the way thank you for stopping by, but at the moment I am a position trader, so I need to live not just for today but also until whenever JPY, GC, SI, ZC will rise and GBL will fall. If possible I'd like to hibernate until this market manipulation is over and I can get my long-awaited profits.

 

[Yamato]

I just went to the movies, to double-check my hearing loss and see how its gravity can be assessed in a place like a movie theater. It can't be noticed. I am quite glad. I didn't notice any differences between today and the last time I went to see a movie, which was previous to this coughing accident.

Another interesting thing is that when I went to the bathroom I noticed they did have toilet paper, and why should I have been surprised? But I was surprised. I took notice.

Right, because after spending a week at the biggest Roman public hospital, I am still shocked by the fact that at the hospital you can't find a single bathroom with toilet paper, whereas in a regular movie theater, you can.

Now, hospitals are paid by citizens through taxes, thousands of euros per citizen every year, plus extra fees when you go there, and toilets are important for sick patients more than for someone going to the movies. Yet, movies are not paid by the citizens through their taxes - only through their movie ticket, which is 6 euros per movie. And yet they manage to have toilet paper, and plenty of clean toilets, too.

It really makes me wonder. Do hospitals not have the money for toilet paper? Or are they out of control because no one is accountable? They can't go bankrupt, because citizens have to go there no matter how bad they are. There is no competition. I guess this is why they are so bad.

 

[Yamato]

Woke up again, it's 6 am, and I have to go to my eighth session of hyperbaric oxygen therapy. I think it might be working. Either that, or the fact that I am not hearing the tinnitus in my ear as much. Maybe it's happening all by itself and I am attributing it to the therapy.

Hopefully today I will be able to get back into my JPY position.

 

[Yamato]

Back from my 9th hyperbaric oxygen therapy session.

I am utterly disgusted by all the people dealing with this health problem of mine.

1) doctors, who don't care about my well-being and use and abuse their power in a personal way, regardless of the fact that they're paid by us through taxes.

2) my father, who only seems concerned about the days of work I have been missing (he acts the same way for his own health, and had a stroke while working, ignoring all his health problems for his sense of duty, and almost dying because of it). Nonetheless, whatever his reasons for treating me like this and withholding any moral and logistical support at a time like this, makes me wish for him to die. I don't care to have a father who shows no feelings and provides no help to me when I am sick, merely because he thinks it is my duty to be at work even when I am sick. He prefers me sick at work, than home for a week and then healed. I wished him to die several times today. A sadistic/insensitive father like this is really not worth having. I prefer to be without a father, than to have "The Great Santini" as a father.

3) my mom, who's spent her whole life worrying about saving and is concerned that my medical fees have already amounted to about 400 euros (yet she regularly gets things stolen, like 40k worth of jewelry by the maid less than a year ago, maid who's still working for us - my mom only cares about saving, but not about making sure what she saved isn't stolen or lost).

4) I am fed up with some of the other patients at the hyperbaric sessions, who don't treat me as their leader, and not all of them respect me enough. I don't want to deal with them any longer.

So, considering all these things, that my 10 sessions are finished tomorrow, and that I am disgusted by all these people, I think tomorrow will be my last session and that I won't fight to get another 10 sessions (although I could get them, by fighting hard), also because from many sides I've heard that the biggest improvements are those in the first 10 sessions. And after that it is almost hopeless.

All things, considered, I consider it a miracle that I was able to start these 10 sessions only 10 days after my symptoms. I mean considering the country and city I live in (Rome) and the state of public health services. Private health is even worse anyway.

Besides, today there was this idiot who almost entered the hyperbaric chamber with a lighter and his cigarettes. Maybe it's time to stop my sessions before another accident happens like this one:
http://gtuem.praesentiert-ihnen.de/tools/literaturdb/project2/pdf/2002_O42 Houman.pdf

Milan tragedy in 1997:
On October 31st 1997, a fire occurred in a therapeutic hyperbaric chamber of Professor Oriani’s hyperbaric
medicine department. Considered by some as a state-of-the-art hyperbaric oxygen therapy
department, it had an outstanding reputation.
When I visited this centre a year before the tragedy took place, I noticed the disposition of the three
hyperbaric chambers operated by two control panels, separated by a few metres. Inside each chamber,
patients were accompanied by qualified personnel while an operator watched over the control panels.
The control panel for the chamber in the tragedy was electrically driven (semi-automatic) and based on
a concept that was relatively new at that time.
For reasons unknown a patient took in a gas hand warmer (in service). It appears that the fire broke out
at 0.8 bars of pressure, burning this patient and nearby patients. The situation soon became uncontrollable
and lead to the death of all the occupants.
It has been said:
• That the water tanks were empty,
• That it took over 5 minutes to decompress the chamber,
• That personnel were no longer at their post of duty...

I can't fight alone against all these people, while I am sick. I am going to give up the cures and keep whatever hearing I have left. Hopefully it will improve in the next few days. Or I'll get used to it, eventually. Certainly I won't be watching any loud tv in the future.

My final disappointment, the biggest one, is from my parents, and from the medical community of course. My parents don't consider my problem big enough to be worth missing any more days at work. I definitely wish my father died right now, so I could show him the indifference he has shown my entire life.

 

[Yamato]

my medical experience coming to a close

I am home, back from my tenth hyperbaric oxygen therapy session. It was the last one. For various reasons, most of which I have mentioned in my previous post, I will not do another cycle of 10 sessions.

Slight tinnitus still in my hear, but some of the hearing is back, all things considered, probably not entirely from hyperbaric medicine, but rather from the cortisone I started taking over 10 days ago. Yeah, mostly from cortisone and maybe a slight improvement from hyperbaric sessions.

Here's the wikipedia entry regarding my therapy:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hyperb...ma.2C_noise-induced_hearing_loss_and_tinnitus

Sudden hearing loss, acoustic trauma, noise-induced hearing loss and tinnitus[edit]
Recent studies have indicated that HBO therapy is recommended and warranted in those patients with idiopathic sudden deafness, acoustic trauma or noise-induced hearing loss within 3 months after onset of disorder.[42]

Ok, so, recapitulating, I am still alive, the medical experience is over, whether I've fully recovered or not, and I can draw some conclusions.

Conclusions in 2 fields:

1) doctors/ Italian public health service. Each time I run into them, I feel discouraged, frustrated, abused and mistreated. Sad, and depressed.

2) parents. My mom is an idiot, has always been one, and she doesn't even know exactly what problem I have, what the cures are, the names of my doctors, and even if I told her several times, she remembers them wrong. Nothing new. No disappointment, really. My father instead, whom I considered reliable, did make a couple of calls, like 10 years ago when I had even more serious problems. But overall he's the big disappointment, more than logistically, he is a moral and emotional disappointment, showing no feelings, no caring, no concerns, nothing. He's only worried about me returning to work as soon as possible, even if this means interrupting or completely missing the cure.

I remember clearly that even 10 years ago, with a benign tumor I had, he later blamed me telling me that, to assist me (during my neurosurgery!), he had missed some important political meetings. The list of these things is long: once he told me that I should consider my time in the hospital (with a tumor) as a "vacation" and enjoy it. Another time, as a teenager, I had gotten into a bicycle accident, and my face was all swollen and bloody and when he showed up at the hospital all the told me was that I didn't wear my socks and that it was improper to dress without socks and that I should be ashamed.

I would say that overall he definitely qualifies as a sick son of a bitch.

So, what's next.

Despite all these events, which originated by my spending a few days in the usual island's house, where relatives save on insulation and heating, and so everyone keeps getting sicker in a Mediterranean island than they'd get at the north pole... despite all these unfortunate events (I'll never go there again during the winter), my positions are doing just as badly as ever.

In other words, all this distraction of one month wasn't enough time to allow my predictions to come true. Gold, silver, corn, even jpy and GBL are all more or less where I left them a month ago, 2 months ago... and where I opened them over 6 months ago.

Not that I would have recovered faster, but being hit at once in my positions and in my health is not easy, since in my mind my trading and my health are the two most important things. My mood is directly affected by my trades and, as I just found out, by my health as well.

 

[Yamato]

I still have many hours, days and weeks, before having to go back to work. I have a medical paper that allows me to stay until the end of this month.

So I will write many more posts on this subject, of public health services and on the support I've never gotten from my father when I was sick.

My concern is to spread it out in different posts, so that I won't write one long post, with the risk of losing it.

From this odd experience, I'm left with a tiny bit less hearing, but with a great sense of vulnerability.

It is my first experience on this journal, where often I've been complaining about trivial matters like the neighbor slamming her door, but during which, in the last five hears, I hadn't come across a serious health issue.

I have to go back to 2002 to remember any serious health issue I had had. In between very rare fevers and colds.

But, although I am still alive and well, as I said, I am left vulnerable because I found out that in a situation like this, I cannot count on public health nor on the support from relatives, who are all doctors, and told me it was nothing, to not worry about it, nor parents, who want me to pretend that I am fine, and seem to treat me as if I was... The Imaginary Invalid:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Imaginary_Invalid

Characters[edit]

Argan, an imaginary invalid.

Act one[edit]
The play opens with Argan, a severe hypochondriac

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypochondriac

Hypochondriasis or hypochondria (sometimes referred to as health phobia or health anxiety) refers to excessive preoccupancy or worry about having a serious illness. This debilitating condition is the result of an inaccurate perception of the body’s condition despite the absence of an actual medical condition.[1] An individual suffering from hypochondriasis is known as a hypochondriac. Hypochondriacs become unduly alarmed about any physical symptoms they detect, no matter how minor the symptom may be, and are convinced that they have or are about to be diagnosed with a serious illness.[2]

Yeah, I wish this were my case. But, even if this time they could suspect that I am like a child, trying to skip school with an excuse, and they could suspect it because in fact I am hearing them when they talk... their behavior when I had a tumor, shows me that the pattern is always the same, so it's not related to the fact that this time they cannot detect a serious illness, but to the fact that they don't seem to be willing to show support, especially moral and emotional support. As I mentioned in my previous post, every time I am sick, or at the hospital, my father says insensitive things (remark about missing sock, when I had that bicycle accident, cfr. previous post).

...

My only concern in the next few days is to eat and sleep. I don't have to meet anyone (tomorrow only half an hour at the hospital for a test, and it is the end of all these hospital trips).

So, why and what am I frustrated about? The worst is behind me.

I am frustrated about what I've seen at the hospital, lack of reliability and caring and respect for patients.

And I am frustrated about what I've seen at home, which is the same thing, although on a different scale of course.

And if I was capable of writing dozens of posts about the neighbors disrupting my silence, one slamming the door and the other screaming, I can predict that I will write at least another 30 posts about this health problem I had and society and family have disappointed me.

After spending so many years abroad and away from my family in recent years I have come back home.

Well, now, despite feeling very vulnerable, and not having enough to pay the rent on my own, if I had an opportunity, then I would move out again, because I don't want to have to deal with people who are incapable of showing me affection.

But I've also grown lazy and insecure, and I won't look for another job, nor probably would I find it.

I could also move to one of the houses we have in other places, but then I'd be depending from their approval. So I can't say "screw you, I quit my job, and move to one of your houses". Although... I could say "I want to be alone, I quit my job and move to this place".

This would make more sense, but my illness is still not serious enough to do something like this. And indeed what makes me want to do this is not my inability to return to work, but my sense of disgust for the support they haven't shown me.

If gold and silver had risen, as they should have, now I wouldn't have this problem. I could have quit my job already.

But they haven't risen. I have a little bit of capital, but not enough to spend any of it.

I cannot quit my job, it's not safe, and therefore I cannot move anywhere, not even if I had their consent on going to one of their houses.

So, recapitulating, I am alive, I have a few days off from work, and, besides complaining about Italian hospitals and my parents, what will I do in the next few days?

I think I will read some gold bugs, telling me how the rise in gold and silver is imminent. That's the only thing that will make me feel better at the moment. Even though I know it's unmotivated bull****.

But after all, this is what people do when they pat you on the back and tell you things will get better, which is what I'd like to see my parents do, but never see it.

So I will turn to the gold bugs, who will tell me that my positions will be doing better, because I don't have anyone around me who tells me that my health will be better.

...

To be concise, let's state it once again:
I am more depressed and frustrated by the indifference I've seen in parents, relatives and doctors while curing my hearing loss, than I am depressed and frustrated by the hearing loss itself.

This is the concise summary of my last 3 weeks of illness.

I could put the subject to rest with this excellent summary, but I'll probably come back and complain more.

 

[Yamato]

Nothing doing.

I went and read king world news and silver doctors, found plenty of predictions going my way, but I still cannot get rid of these depressing thoughts about hospitals and parents.

So i'll have to write more on this, from different angles, or maybe the same angles, over and over again.

I've been praying, speaking of angels.

Once again, I don't think there's any angels nor god, or it's not what we think when we pray, because I've never gotten any feedback, in any way, from these prayers. It really feels like you're praying to nothing, like when I talk to my father, it feels like I am talking to a wall.

But the prayers are worth reciting in times of despair, like when you're on the airplane and it looks like it might fall, or you're about to get surgery somewhere in your body, especially if in your head.

...

From what I've seen, these king world news and silver doctors headlines about an imminent rise of gold and silver, could go on for another year, just like their tone was unchanged for the past year. They just keep saying "imminent", even if they've said for 2 years and nothing happened. I would almost feel like saying that this style of writing is dishonest.

...

Now I could:
1) go to bed
2) write more here
3) read some german memes on facebook
4) read some more of hitler's biography

If I opt for #3 or #4, it means I've recovered some energy and good mood. Doing work right now is not easy for me, despite having been a hard worker my whole life.

I am going to write some more here.

I wonder, once again, if anything will go my way any time soon. Even without guardian angel, nor god, statistically it could be the case, that some time something will go my way.

I mean, I've been working hard my whole life, I haven't done anything dangerous, I've been tidy, studious... and things still won't go my way.

I've been honest. I've been generous, but not too generous as to give everything away. I've been all the qualities that I could be.

And still, with all this knowledge and organization, I haven't achieved happiness, nor wealth.

Of course, statistically I could also die, randomly, just when I am about to achieve it, or never achieve it... it's all random, given that I am atheist.

But statistically, without bad luck, I would expect to achieve something. At least trading profitability and self-sufficiency, before some other disease blows me away for good.

For sure, if I want to achieve my plans, I now need to be even more careful and not go out with my hair wet, nor go live in cold humid places in the winter, which I've just done. And in general I should stay away from people who always cause you to get distracted from your self-interest and do something dangerous, such as drinking beer, staying up late, smoking, travelling to dangerous places, and a whole long list of other bad things.


...

A few minutes later, tired from sitting too much and writing too much here, I am wondering once again what I should do:

Now I could:
1) go to bed
2) write more here
3) read some german memes on facebook
4) read some more of hitler's biography

Nothing german, because I am depressed, so now, tired of writing, all I can do is go to sleep. Yeah, and it's 1 pm.

 

[Yamato]

Still nothing doing, after 4 hours of sleep. I am still totally depressed, thinking about the medical issues and the treatment received by hospitals and parents.

Good thing at least now no one is home and I can be by myself.

Can't enter any new trades yet. All present positions are still doing too poorly.

...

Back, after watching some tv.

I just felt some pain in my heart. Now of course I am wondering if I'll die from it, or if it was due to all the strain from these 10 hyperbaric oxygen sessions.

The child neighbor is jumping up and down and it's bothering me. It's a sign that I'm somehow recovering from my other health problems, or at least getting used to them.

I am too tired and depressed to react by banging on the wall with my fist, the way I had been doing for the past 4 months.

...

I've already wondered a couple of times if what has been bringing me bad luck and illness is this Swastika I created on my desktop, by grouping in that shape all the icons for learning German and the history of Germany, but I won't remove it because I am not superstitious, but every once in a while I can't help wondering about it.



...

All in all, I have learned this motto from this experience: "home alone". That's going to be my lifestyle from now on. Home alone wins it, because look. I went to the island to meet the relatives, spent a lot of time being cold, humid, being blamed even for using the heating appliances, don't know what those little machines are cold in English.

Had I stayed in Rome, alone, no matter how depressed and lonely, I would not have gotten sick. By being with people you almost always go wrong. Somewhere, whether in eating, sleeping, dressing... loud, smoking... there's always some problem when you're around people.

The best way to lead life is to be home alone. Be at home, because you're safe, and be alone, because you are safer.

things2do

Another advantage is that you don't have to hear the wrong and sick opinions voiced by most stupid/evil people around you, which is at least my case. Given my background.

...

It is possible to be home and home alone because of the internet and phones... I could never leave the house. I could do everything from home.

...

I was thinking about how boring our lives are, you almost feel like it's ok to die after a point. And i am not even talking after retirement, but at any time, during your youth or adulthood or even childhood - think of how boring it is to go to school.

It doesn't have to be like this. It's society that it's built this way. For you to be stupid and accept a stupid life, or, if you realize how stupid and boring it is, the life offered to you, then you can live unhappily.

In some rare cases, you can have so much money, that you're free to choose what to do and in this case your life will not be boring.

I am looking at my father's life, in politics, professor teaching politics. He has never played any sports, he just works and focuses on politics. You almost feel like he wants to die after a boring life like this, because how could one live 200 years and do these same things over and over again? It's almost as if it's ok to only live x years if you choose to be a professor/politician like he did. Then you'd expect a person with a boring life like this to offer his son some other possible choices, maybe not as boring? Instead he encouraged just the same thing, suggesting to me to study political science. And to lead a boring life, which I did, because I ended up working at a bank, which is even more boring. I wanted to study philosophy but he was against it. So I studied political science and ended up working for a bank, totally unhappy.

The only thing I'll do now is finish studying German, and then, if I am still alive, I'll try to quit my job. Until then, home alone. No distractions, no more threats to my health. Cab, office, cab, home.

Who knows, maybe some luck will finally come my away, and, after spending a whole year waiting for my positions to pay off, and having these latest health problems, maybe in six months I'll be extremely happy. Who knows. Sometimes it happens.

I must make sure I am not in Rome nor on the island the next time I get sick. This was a very frustrating experience, and I won't be able to bear it again. It happened already 10 years ago, when I was assisted by all relatives and parents, too, despite their emotional indifference and hostility even. It happened now, and it was a bad repeat of 10 years ago. If it happens again, I'll die at the hospital. I cannot afford to get sick anywhere other than northern Italy. If I get sick again, I have to move to the north immediately.

 

[Yamato]

Up again. After 10 hours of sleep.

Sleeping is the best choice, because it has all sorts of benefits for your body. When in doubt, sleep. Sleeping is to your lifestyle what a vegan diet is to your eating and what oxygen is to your breathing, what silence is to your hearing, what warmth is to your body, what money is to your account, what water is to your drinking... these are all good things we have to seek. Whenever in doubt, or frustrated, or in despair, we must remember that, all other things being equal, these good things are the best choice.

Let's not let others distract you and deceive us into thinking that we need to spend time talking to them, arguing with them, watching tv with them, listening to them.

 

[Yamato]

Success, so to speak.

I went and got my hearing tested and there was an improvement. So the doctors prescribed me another week of treatment: HBOT sessions and eardrum injections.

So now, against all odds and all these assholes, among which a nurse who wanted me to stop and my parents, who didn't want me to continue treatment and go back to work, against all these difficulties I will go next week for another 10 sessions of hyperbaric oxygen therapy.

Now at least I know how little my parents care about my health.

The only thing I don't like is that, along with these 10 sessions of HBOT, I have agreed to also receive three injections of cortisone in the eardrum, which to me is totally dangerous and useless, but they insist on it.

What matters to me the most is that I didn't give in to all these people discouraging me, first of all my parents and second of all the nurse at the HBOT center, who, with some bull**** bureaucracy excuses, was giving me a hard time.

HBOT can only be good, so I am glad I'll do 10 more. Eardrums injections are the tough part.

But today great kick out of this.

You nurse, don't want me to come back for more HBOT sessions? Up yours, I am back.

You parents, want me to go back to work and neglect my health? Up yours.

If it had been up to these assholes I should have returned to work 2 weeks ago, when I was just diagnosed with this problem and was still seeking a treatment. My dad asked me to go, regardless of my illness. That's the way I got ill to begin with, because in December I kept going to work despite a hard cough I had.

I can't wait for this guy to get sick, so I can show him the same attitude. In fact, I am so upset that I think this would be the right time for him to die. It would hurt the least right now.

...

Now, in the next few days ahead, I can rest and breathe oxygen from my oxygen tank. I am exhausted from fighting a battle alone. I guess this is because I never got married, so now there's no wife assisting me.

But in fact, given the women I've been with, if I had married one of them, I would be dead already. Or at best divorced, having to pay them a monthly fee. I think marrying for me would have been a way to shorten my life.

In fact there was this girl who was studying to be a doctor. Maybe I should have married that one, from a very early age. But it would have been entirely for interest and not for feelings or her beauty even. There was no love. But, knowing how important health is, she would have been my best shot.

...

Another good thing today, along with this won battle of getting another 10 sessions of HBOT (success!), albeit at the cost of also getting 3 injections in the eardrum, another good thing today, I was saying, is that Gold and Silver and Corn are going up, so pretty soon I'll be able to enter JPY again. And then all I'll be left out of is Natural Gas, which I dropped months ago, after a little profit of a few thousands, without imagining that it would keep rising for months, from 3.8 where I dropped it to 4.5 where it is now. It's going to take me a while before I feel it's time to re-enter natural gas.

Hopefully I won't be encountering all this bad luck at once for a while: bad health, and disappointments by public health care, relatives, parents, trading.

 

[darktone]

I am still totally depressed

Help yourself!

"If gold and silver had risen, as they should have, now I wouldn't have this problem."
"I think I will read some gold bugs, telling me how the rise in gold and silver is imminent. That's the only thing that will make me feel better at the moment. Even though I know it's unmotivated bull****."

Help yourself!!

 

[Yamato]

Yeah, thanks for the detailed feedback. I'll look into them.