best friends of the moment
Getting really to the bottom.
I was just clicking the adobe flash player update, which pops up once a week or so, and I realized I trust this dude, and rely on him to get the job done, like for many other dudes living in my computers.
In many ways I am more attached to the features of programs and operating system than to people I know. Actually I get along better with them than with real people. Another big friend of mine is the "undo button".
I like a couple of cousins, and trust them, then there's my aunt. Then comes the "undo button". Of course my best friend would have to be excel. But not just any excel: excel 2003. Excel 2007 is the product of idiots. I want nothing to do with him.
Tomorrow I will go late, and they'll know why and they'll be ok most likely.
Today I had one meeting at 9.00, the usual "efficiency and continuous improvement meeting". Then I had another meeting at 11.00, with the super-mega-director. They both lasted one hour. I work six hours a day, and I spend one hour each day at meetings where they "teach" me how to be more efficient. Then today we had an extra meeting where everyone (except me and two others) was clapping hands at how efficient we had gotten - all pretense of course, because in fact we're going down, after all this... ah, forget it. I wrote enough about what's going on in our office.
I'll write until i'll fall asleep and then i'll sleep until i wake up. And I already turned my alarm off. For tonight there won't be any suicide either. I am saving it for more serious situations. Nor did I resort to drinking.
But insomnia is happening, again.
I am unhappy with my life, and the consequence is that i can't sleep. Very unhappy, very insomniac. And I am very unhappy.
Let's check out what the systems are doing.
Yeah, everything is running smoothly.
Now what do I write... I should post some videos, but I can't, for fear of waking the child next door.
I'll check my emails.
There's a problem constantly looming on me: my relationship with my father. It just came up to my mind again. I've never been happy with the way he's treated me, which is the same way he treats everyone. That's why they say "hey, he's just like that - don't take it personally". And he is rude, mean, scornful, fault-finder, unfriendly, and cold, and unsympathetic. That is how he is. Now I say: how can you ever get used to something like that? I didn't. I feel constantly hurt, even when he's not around, for the way he's treated me my whole life. How about if I told my relatives, the same people saying "he's just like that", if i told them "never mind that I spit on you when i meet you, and that I occasionally pull out a knife and stab you - it's just the way I am - don't take it personally". Emotionally speaking that's what he does, and I don't see how one could ever accept it. So that's a constant source of frustration. He doesn't change, and the frustration doesn't go away. He doesn't even apologize for it. It's a disaster.
One thing is to deal with strangers and acquaintances with the "that's just the way he is" attitude. Another thing is to do it with parents. I can't use it. Nor can I use it with my boss. And i've been growing more and more intolerant as time goes by.
So, what's next? What do I write and what do i think and what do i fall asleep thinking of?
i might be able to fall asleep within 5 minutes. It all depends what my subsconscious mind decides is the right thing to do. Stay up out of spite and go late to work? Or forget about it and go to sleep right now?
Maybe... yeah: there's been a tendency in me to grow more intolerant, but at the same time there's been less energy in me, and less energy also means less energy to fight. So on one hand, I get more intolerant and I'd like to put everyone to death. On the other hand, I say "forget it" and stop arguing. This is what may be causing my anger outbursts. I accumulate anger, because i am too tired to argue, and then I explode. I wish I could avoid, but you gotta go to work, so how do you avoid that? Impossible. I am stuck with an idiot boss, and I can't avoid him. I am stuck with these daily efficiency meetings which deny everything I believe in, and yet I have to listen for one hour a day stupid people saying harmful things and implementing harmful procedures for us.
How long more can I take this ordeal health-wise? How long more can my boss and colleagues take my complaining? I am the only left who's refused to be brainwashed into saying "yes, I agree - this kaizen method is very good, and you've performed miracles on our office". For this reason I am everyone's hero, since they think what I say, but don't dare to say it. But I not holding out for much longer. The brainwashing is working on me as well. If everyone else around you says that black is white and white is black, then you start wondering whether you're right or wrong. Whether maybe the world has changed, and the rules are simply reversed.
Today the boss told me basically this: yeah, you disagree, but this is just your opinion. It's not the "Truth" with a capital "T". And I said that of course for me what i think is indeed the "Truth" with the capital "T" or else I would not be speaking. And I added that if i do not hold the "Truth" than neither do they. What the boss doesn't understand is that if he reasons out with me, he loses, because 1) he is an idiot and is always wrong and 2) I just don't believe that "the boss is always right", and I'll keep on arguing until I will think I am right. Another story is if the boss told me "do this, do that". I obey orders, but I cannot be made to agree with unreasonable arguments. If you ask me what I think, then you're screwed, because you get me thinking. Being boss doesn't make your reasoning any better than being an employee. It's not like I have to agree because you're the boss.I have to obey, because you're the boss. But i don't have to agree. So give me more orders and ask me for less opinions and we'll get along. But since he's an idiot, he is insecure and he keeps on wanting to share the burden of responsiibility with me, then I disagree, and then he starts insulting me and trying to make me agree. There's no way out. We're incompatible. I've always been incompatible with idiots. I forgive you for anything, except lack of truth, reasoning, effort. You can be black, yellow, white. You can be rich, poor, young, old, tall, short, but if you don't make an effort to think and say something wrong, then I cannot accept it.
And as a boss, you're not entitled to have people agree with you. You can give me orders, but you cannot force me to agree with your stupid thoughts.
Ok, now I am ready to go to sleep. Let's hope there will be some solution to my problems and handling of the boss. Some solution other than getting fired or quitting my job. For tomorrow the first solution is to go late. If I am not there, I will get along with the boss.
Just a few more lines, before going to sleep.
random thoughts without punctuation
bad memories about school
bad memories about office
bad memories about parents
haunting me
bad memories about a bad life
no escape
no escape
waiting for some way out
for some reward after all this bad stuff i've taken
some vacation
some happiness
need to run a few more miles
almost finished my marathon
systems almost ready
i can't stop now
just another 2 weeks of work
2 weeks
then in july and august all will be on vacation and i will be in peace
going
falling asleep
going
going
going
going
going
going
going
...
...
...gone
