my journal 2

[Yamato]

"Bella ciao", dedicated to myself, to my office, to my boss, and to all those butt-kissing schmucks:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bella_ciao

 

[Yamato]

today it will be hard falling asleep, maybe I should get drunk

We're going to be hit hard by the consequences of the boss breaking my work machine. Little by little, starting in February, he and the kaizen team have disabled me, demolished my own little factory, with all my efficiency. A factory it had taken me four years to build, and that had become more efficient a little by little. And each time he asked me to change something (urged by the kaizen team), it meant more damage being done to my factory. Each time he opened his mouth to ask me for a change, it felt like this, in my own body:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DuCfDDwuTDE

Say I was producing 150 hypothetical units in less than 6 hours, and I had time to help people coming to me from the whole floor (about 50 people have come to me for help once or more). Well, now I can't even produce 75 units, and don't have time/mood to help others. He has already started telling people not to come to me for help or for data without asking him first.

Today I was called at home, because they needed me. It's the first time it happens in two years. As the days will go by, he will see more and more of the damage he has done, which is pretty much irreverisble by now. I mean... it is reversible, but it would take more than one person to build my factory all over again. Data will be missing from my stats, I will be super-exhausted from this ordeal of trying to resist his changes, of arguing with him, of warning him, of being told stuff was wrong with my stats, which was only wrong in his stupid ignorant mind.

At the start, as their demolition of my organization and machine proceeded, I was staying longer and longer hours after my work schedule ended, because 1) I thought it was temporary changes and 2) the changes weren't that much of a burden. Then when I realized that the boss was making permanent and harmful changes to my work, I told him "dude, this is serious damage you're doing to my work, and it is permanent and it has implications and ramifications you're not seing right now and that you will see and regret too late. If you want me to do things this way, with all this damage and inefficiency you'll cause, don't expect me to stay extra hours to produce the same output". And of course he had to accept my point of view. But now and in the next few days is when he will start suffering from his own actions. And he will try to make me stay longer, but I will refuse because I already lose my temper often enough as it is. If I stayed extra hours I'd strangle him. Less effort, less danger of strangling him. You thought wrong, boss. Your demolition ball will come back to you and hit you in your own balls.

Now, with your permission, I will go to get drunk, otherwise today I won't fall asleep. Today they called me at home, and tomorrow a big day of resistance expects me. There will be a lot of pressure to make me stay extra hours to produce the same output I produced before, with the new screwed up methods "devised" by the boss. I will decline staying extra hours, and the boss will quickly lose control of his own temper. As we say in italy "un po' per uno non fa male a nessuno", which means maybe "share and share alike" (i looked it up) but the sense may be closer to "tit for tat", or even better a mix between the two, in the sense that it's a tit for tat that he brough upon himself, and not one that i caused on purpose. What I mean to say is that this idiot caused me so much stress and damage that now I'll let him have a taste of his own medecine, by letting his own damage flow to him, naturally, like diverting his own sewage back to him. And he'll complain about receiving his own sewage. He'll quit having that smile on his face, let me tell you.

Today incidentally he told me this phrase "I am paid by the bank, I don't know about you", to imply that I should obey superior orders. I replied "dude, I thought i was paid to do things properly, not to screw everything up because of obeying superior orders. I feel that if we're going against the rocks I should be warning my managers. And if you feel so, you should do the same, instead of pretending everything is fine like you did yesterday (with kaizen mega-boss), or else at the end they will blame you".

Then he said that all you get for warning them is to get your name written on their black list. Then I replied "good, if I get on that list for saying how things are, I am ok with being on that list". In fact, i'd rather be fired than work like this, like crap. Also, because, as written here before, I know my parents will help me out, so it'd be great to get fired for an honorable cause, and get to stay home and do nothing. But I don't think they'll fire me.

Oh, and I told him, once again, "i'd rather mop the floors than keep working like this". Luckily he didn't take me at my word, because that is a bit too much.

Look, all in all, this crap of fighting bad working, lazy people, things being done wrong is nothing I deserve a medal for. I was programmed to be like this by my parents and by my life and this for me is the path of least resistance. The biggest fight and hardest path for others is the easiest thing to do for me. Seriously, it doesn't cost me anything to speak the truth and work hard. It costs me to sit idle, it costs be to lie, it costs me to sit down and hear lies.

In fact, I feel sorry for this dude, but it's impossible for me to sit down, and not work. And after working my ass off for 4 years, it's impossible to sit quietly and watch him destroy my work without speaking up. And even my efficiency is a by-product of speaking the truth and seeing things simple and never lying. I see a problem, I fix it. Others see a problem, they are superficial and leave it there, or so insensitive they don't even see it.

I am sensitive, I am compulsive, I am a deep-thinker, I say the truth, I simplify things, I am orderly... all these things lead me to work hard, and to fight those who don't, and to speak the truth when my hard work is being destroyed even if it gets destroyed by the mega-boss.

Much like alec guinness in the river kwai... He builds that bridge and gets to like it so much that he almost wants to protect it as his "child" against the UK special forces who have come there to destroy it. In the same way, I'd go against anyone to protect my good work, even the guy who ordered it and paid me to do it. Or rather, how can you ask me to build a bridge for 4 years and then comes a new dude and makes me destroy it? I am going to scream, and I am screaming. Especially when, like in this occasion, I feel that the guy is an occasional idiot, who's acting against the bank's own interest. I bet you anything this boss will not last longer than 1 year.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PskoqCtRFD4

Here we go: getting drunk as i speak. Dude, and I just started the systems for my 1000th time in the last few years. The reason I say "dude" all the time is that I've been seeing some movies where they say it all the time so I picked it up. It will go away in a few weeks. My english changes according to the movies I watch and the songs I listen to.

I remember that when i was in this highschool in the states, since early on, i learned to say "dude", among the other things ("mother ****er" and so on). Also i remember i was playing pool quite often and even before learning english i learned to say "all the way down" in order to call my shots, and "solids" for choosing my balls. But I thought it was written "salads" and until then i pronounced it right. Then when i learned it was written "solids", i started pronouncing it "soleeds", like any other italian would do by reading it. So my advice to all italians reading, is if they want to learn to pronounce english, they should first just speak it without ever reading it, for a couple of years. Then, find out how all those words are written.

There are so many american sounds that we don't have in italian. For british english instead i suspect it's a little easier, but I never learned that.

Getting drunk as we speak.

I think the two closest languages, in terms of sounds, to italian, are spanish and japanese. Yeah, trust me.

Yeah, of course you don't understand jack**** in japanese, whereas in spanish you know exactly what they are saying, but the sounds are very close. I remember that they have this word in japanese which is pronounced like the vulgar term for "dick" in italian, "cazzo". And in japanese it means tuna fish. So i remember I always tried to get this japanese girl friend of mine to come with me in the cafeteria, near the salads area, so I could ask her if she wanted some "cazzo" ("tuna fish" for her). Yeah, that was fun. Then of course I told her what it meant in italian and she laughed. The japanese girls always laugh, even if it's not funny. Those were the days.

Getting drunker and drunker as I write.

This for me is not just venting out. It is venting out plus learning to write in english, which is not useful maybe. But maybe it is. Maybe, as they say, it will look good on my curriculum. But then what is my curriculum for? And then you die you know. So you accumulate all this knowledge and then... it's like bulding up armies in a risk game and then there's a dick-head who goes home at 1 am and interrupts the game.

So maybe we should build up knowledge only until we're 30 and then start enjoying life. Or maybe we should first enjoy life and then build up knowledge as a pasttime. But wait - pastime has only one "t". Checking up words on the dictionary as i write.

But it's time for a new video and for another sip of my lambrusco. Oh, look, there's someone else getting drunk like me:

I remember the college years in the states. There was a lot getting drunk there. I never liked the concept of getting drunk and having sex with a woman. That was what many others were doing. I was wrong and i regret not doing it enough. I always wanted to get the top quality, and each time i thought "let's wait a few years, I am not settling for second choice". But then the years went by and it got harder and harder. So now I wish I had had sex whenever i did get a chance. Yeah, because the opportunities decrease very quickly. So my advice to all those college students is to have sex each time they get a chance. Like this guy filming veronica: he should be doing her right now. As we say in italy, "as long as she's breathing". Or maybe in english is like "anything that moves". Let's move on. Starting a new post, because I don't want to risk losing all this precious stuff I have written. This is one awesome post. The best posts I write when I don't care, and when I am slightly drunk. How do I lose it? You modify it, then it doesn't load right and you lose everything. It is rare but it could happen.

 

[Yamato]

new, drunker post

Here i am, again.

You know, no matter what I am doing, drinking, smoking, skipping... as long as i write in english i feel good about myself.

Ever since i was a teenager, english was part of my education and learning english (or anything else) was part of "being a good person", a good student. So if i learn english while getting high, I am doing my duty of a good boy. If I learn english doing anything, then i am always being a good boy, I interiorized this concept of learning. My parents are both teachers, into academics, that field.

At least in my family, and therefore in my deeply ingrained beliefs, anything related to learning is good. So i feel good. I am writing a journal about getting drunk, staying up at night, instead of sleeping in order to be rested for work, and yet I feel ok, because I am practicing english.

I remember one day I wanted to skip a test. It was my senior year in college and my last semester, and my last exam. Because of skipping it, I didn't graduate in time, so I had to devise a "learning" reason in order to skip that test. So i stayed up all night, not studying for the test, but teaching myself how to juggle. And then I felt ok about skipping that test, because I managed to teach myself how to juggle with 3 balls, within that night.

It took me seven and a half years to graduate college, but i taught myself other things in the meanwhile. Like writing journals. I was writing a lot of journals, since i was 17, thousands of pages. And, in journals, i practiced sincerity, and english. So that felt good, because i was learning something.

In my family, the value was always learning. As opposed to making money. And showing off your knowledge and intelligence was the thing to do, as opposed to showing off your money, which was a despicable activity. Money was to be looked down upon.

"I don't know about you, but I am getting paid by the bank" keeps popping up in my mind as a threat from my boss.

Not good. Not good.

I feel threatened.

I've always felt threatened. My dad always threatened me.

"Chi non semina non miete" he used to tell me all the time as a child.

Pretty harsh on a child.

It means something like "You reap what you sow".

It never sounded good at all. It meant to me "you'll go to hell". "You're not working hard enough". I was the top student in my class and that still wasn't enough for him. He was pushing me harder and harder (by giving me extra homework at home), until at 14, I gave up and stopped studying altogether, and even started skipping classes.

I'm getting drunker all the time... drunker... drunker... drunker!

It's getting better all the time
I used to get mad at my school (No, I can't complain)
The teachers who taught me weren't cool( No, I can't complain)
You're holding me down (Oh Oh)
Turning me round(Oh Oh)
Filling me up with your rules(Oooh)

I've got to admit it's getting better (Better)
It's a little better all the time (It can't get no worse)
I have to admit it's getting better (better)
It's getting better
Since you've been mine

Getting drunker all the time.

Fine, I can hold out another 10 minutes, just because there's "1 guest" viewing right now.

In these 6 years I've lived in rome, since 2005, in these 6 and a half years, I have lived in 3 different apartments. This is not my favorite one. Near the colosseum was my favorite one.

Almost 7 years in rome is not my favorite thing. I should have been switching from city to city at the rate of 2 years per city. Something has gone wrong.

I have over-stayed in rome.

The only friend I can really count on are:

1) force of gravity
2) pillows
3) atm card

There's always that one guest viewing right now, and he keeps me writing. I wish i knew everything about him and what he was thinking about what he's reading. I get many more readers on this journal than when I kept a blog. On the blog I had two years ago, I used to get at the most 40 readers per day. Here I get an average of 100 readers per day. Much much better. And much more feedback. What now? What?

I still cannot fall asleep.

I wish I could skip work, but after standing up against the boss for so many months, I cannot afford to miss one day of work nor ask for one day of vacation nor anything. I have to be impeccable. And then... leaving at 3 pm sharp... that makes it even worse. I must be in a situation where no one can attack me about anything I am doing. So tomorrow I will have to go, no matter what and the more tired I will look, the better.

But - now 2 guest are viewing - why am i making an effort to present myself as well as possible? why? I am nothing but the product of two parents and my environment, I am an object, like a plant... totally influenced by my surroundings, nothing left to free will. I am the by-product of what produced me. And, knowing where i come from, everything i do is predictable. So what is the point of me expressing myself? I don't know - i feel like it. But it is worthless. It is mere entertainment.

Almost drank a whole bottle of lambrusco and almost entirely gone mentally. Just a few more lines before I turn this laptop off.

I also have to maintain a balance between getting drunk and falling asleep and not puking. I don't want to be so drunk that I puke, but I want to be as drunk as to fall asleep. I am almost at that point.

As i write, alwaYS, cities, images frm my past, keep poppoing up in my mind. So e stairs in piazza san clemente, often. I eon'y fix the tyhpos now. To preserve some realizsm.

Some stairs. Let me mention all the places and images that keep surfacing in my mind.

plave in mmontreal, in quebec. Near the bus, some girl from mexico, getting sex iwth me, but nothing happened.

some girl near the tv. something happened.

my mind almost completely turned off.

LWAYS one gues viewing - there's some hope.

some girl from the past-. i really liked her. she is mother now. has one child. lives in swithzerland. anted to visit me. i said come if you wish. if you really wish... not ready to take on...that. with child.

nothing else, no more life going on on mhy life.... nothing, empty life.

still one guest reading. i wish i knew his feedback and who it was.

will keep writing for a few more seconds than give up to sleep and drunkenness.

No one is reading this anyway. But who knows? maybe one day someone will read and maybe this is art.

I will document this drunkenness until the end, for what is worth.

we all die.

we all diel.

we all die.

we all die.

all worthless.

worthlesss.

wlrhtheless

alll worthless.

almost gone.

gone.

last few rords.

maybe one last vieo.

like inmovie, "nothing happens by thcanec". I forgot the quote. I am really gone.

It is ok if I will sleep only 6 hours. I can handle it. it'll be like being drunk all day long. I can handle it. It'll be ok. Byue bye, good night.

 

[Yamato]

Still alive. Drank a whole bottle of wine. Didn't puke. Only slept about 6 hours, very badly, too. Maybe now I'll go to work. I already sent them a text message saying i couldn't sleep and that i'd take a half day off. Pretty understandable, since they've given me a lot of stress, and took all the pleasure out of my work for sure. I don't feel any guilt for being here instead of there. If I had to do the same again, I would, my friend, Fernando.

In the meanwhile, amidst this emotional mess, the systems just keep going.



Imagine if, instead of being automated, it had been me trading discretionary...

 

[Yamato]

yes, i skipped class, but look what i've done in the meanwhile

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Akyx5iu_z8Y

I am being chased by parents, teachers, classmates, boss, colleagues...

Like I used to say to myself when i was a student: ok, I skipped class, but look what i've done in the meanwhile. And here it is, my 120 systems (shaded and grouped by symbol):



This is just one of many files I needed to take care of. More work is ahead.

Oh, what do you know... A cousin just told me he's studying in granada. Here's a song dedicated to him:

 

[Yamato]

very much under pressure

Boss was put under pressure by the kaizen team, and as a consequence made the mistake of changing things, destroyed my work and now I am under pressure to perform equally well - after my "factory" has been destroyed! I can't do it, and I can't take the (unfair) pressure. Pressure to stay until late to perform with the crappy tools he has left me, after destroying what I had built.

I couldn't sleep, got drunk, still didn't sleep well, and today I took a whole day off. Probably they're not happy (boss and colleagues, too), because they don't understand me (too stupid to understand), they don't think it was a big deal that the boss destroyed my work of four years. By "they" I am not referring just to the boss and colleagues but also to all the other bosses above him. Today he will feel he is in trouble because of me, and now he'll be mad at me for not helping him and not showing up and not staying late hours, when things are actually totally different: he is the one who destroyed me and my nerves, he is the one who blew the whole thing up.

You know, this was not "necessary" as he says. He is an inept idiot. You can't just say "we had to change something because they asked us to". You can always object, and resist changes, if they're so wrong. You can explain stuff, but he did not, because he did not understand the situation nor did he trust me nor did he listen to me. Against my advice, he got me and got us into this mess and now doesn't want to face the consequences and wants me to fix it for him. Well, not out of spite, but out of reality, I cannot do it. The situation is too disastrous and I cannot handle it in terms of time and emotions, and also because it is not fair. It would be a great injustice if I had to go crazy and stay late hours because of his mistakes, mistakes that he made because he didn't listen to me.

I am so nervous that I even get bothered more than usual by the neighbouring bitch slamming her door.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zpDm6IYj4tg

 

[bbmac]

Lol, Yeh it's all about the Money Money Money and in this business The Winner Takes it all.

The automated route, if you can get it to continually produce sure seems the way to go -vs- all those ultimately destructive human emotions getting in the way on discretionary.

G/L

Still ..... If I had to do the same again, I would, my friend, Fernando....

Imagine if, instead of being automated, it had been me trading discretionary...

 

[Yamato]

Yes, it seems to be the case ("continually produce"), because right now I can rely on drawdowns to last less than two months, and things will be better when the systems will be increased, and thus diversification will be increased.

This thing is like a banking salary, with the advantage that I don't have to deal with a boss nor colleagues.

I am still very frustrated about the office and about the fact that no one replied to my text messages this morning.

I sent two identical messages to two colleagues at 6 am, saying I was sleepless and couldn't make it to work, and would take half a day off.

Then I sent two more messages at 11 am, saying i'd take the entire day off. I wonder if the reason they didn't reply is that:

1) the boss is enraged and they don't want to tell me and hear my arguments
2) the boss is enraged and took disciplinary action and they don't want to be the ones breaking the news to me
3) they're pissed off that I woke up them with my text message at 6 am
4) they disapprove of my behaviour and don't want to have anything to do with me

Usually they reply "sleep well" or "stay home and rest". This time nothing, from either one. I am worried.

I don't think I can get fired that quickly. In fact the probability of that is close to zero. But maybe the boss is indeed mad, and yet there's nothing I can do about it because he is 100% wrong and, let me say it again, a complete idiot.

[...]

You know what? Deep inside I have found the answer. Yesterday my boss changed my stats with a new file - he said to split the database and do the new stats his way and abandon mine, because they were "faulty". For this reason ("faulty" and other words, all untrue), I had a lot of resentment towards him, and I still do. So my subconscious decided to make me sleepless with anger and meditating revenge, and the revenge itself was simply to not go to work because I had been awake all night. My revenge was this: not going to work. Ah, ah, ah. And probably he really needed me today, and now he's regretting not listening to me. I am so happy about this. I didn't do it on purpose, but subconsciously I wanted to get back at him and I did.

I am still mad so my subconscious may cause me to get back at him in other ways. Right now I do not know what it will devise.

He has to pay for being so stupid, ruining my work, and disrespecting me.

 

[bbmac]

Always gotta make sure you don't fall into the LTCM trap of thinking that you are 'diversified' when really they were placing an identical just bet spread across many instruments - which is what led them tobelieve they were 'diversified.'

Continued G/L New a/c Hi is great.

, it e case ("....will be better when the systems will be increased, and thus diversification will be increased.....

 

[Yamato]

Well, all we need to look is at the past drawdown and if by increasing the systems that stays the same or grows less fast than potential profit, then it will mean that we're diversifying correctly. You know what I mean? If you double the potential profit and the past 10 years back-tested drawdown for those systems stays the same or increases just a little bit, then it means you are in fact diversifying.

 

[Yamato]

ancient oldies 1930s songs

Didn't get punished at work. I just called a colleague and it seems that I pulled it off yet again. But he said there's a lot of disciplinary notes lately so he said I keep going like this, I risk getting one of those notes. He said tomorrow he won't be there (my colleague) and he said to be a good boy (and obey like a soldier the wrong orders we're being given). And I said "yes, I promise". Having said this, they better not ask me what I think because I will not be part of the farce and if they ask me what I think i will say the truth.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0XY2DlIMIiI

Dude. The problem is this, that the boss doesn't give orders but he keeps trying to get you to agree with him. If he just told me "do this", I'd do it. But he says "don't you think this is better?". Then I tell him whatever mistake he's making, he doesn't listen... and he keeps going his way. Why does he pretend that my opinion matters? My opinion matters only if I tell him that he's right, the typical yes-man. But I just cannot lie, so it becomes a torture. Since my opinion does not matter and I am very hurt by that, please leave me alone and just shoot your orders. Don't keep trying to make me an accomplice in your mess. He insists every day to try and win my approval and get my esteem. It's pretty frustrating. We're heading for disaster and there's no way I'll ever be able to give him my approval.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5jIjv5QbidM

I consider my honesty and sincerity as beautiful as these songs, and if I am asked what I think about something, I cannot help but say the truth.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sz_zeJM-5-A

My sincerity, like these songs, is the real thing, the real version, not a corrupted version of how i perceive reality. Don't make me waste my sincerity and try to twist it into butt-kissing because that just won't happen. You're screwing everything in our office and it is apparent, self-evident.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t1EC4om5VV4

If I could be with you, I'd love you strong
If I could be with you, I'd love you long
I want you to know that I wouldn't go
Until I told you, honey, why I love you so...

 

[Yamato]

Ok, everyone: don't worry about me. Today I am going to work. To make a long story short, I will try to get the boss to give me orders and not ask for my opinions, which are that he's doing a messy job, getting himself and us in trouble, and will regret it. As long as I consider myself and am regarded as a mere soldier, everything will be fine. I have to avoid situations where he - idiot and insecure as he is - keeps asking for my consent and approval, which will never happen. I have to forget my opinions even if I am asked. However this does not mean kissing up or pretending I agree. I simply will have no opinions from now on.

 

[Yamato]

still doing ok... actually better and better

ACE - KAIZEN idiots have completed their masterpiece of destroying my work. My boss shifts continually from "we're doing this because they're ordered it" to "we're doing this because they are right, it's a good idea, and they've convinced me".

It seems that I am the only one who has had his ideas clear from the start until now, and the guardian of the truth: ACE and this whole kaizen process, which has begun in february and will last until the end of june, is a disaster, besides being a waste of time. They're a bunch of clowns and have enslaved every single one of us, including me, one way or another. Why? Because they're sent by the management, in Paris. The management acts like the mafia, and these guys are untouchables, because they are "made men". And you can't touch or disrespect a made man unless you want to be on the list of employees to be whacked.

Now that i gave up, too, and have learned to execute stupid orders without even complaining any more, their work of art is complete.

On the other hand, now that I've accepted the fact that I have to obey, even if that means executing stupid orders, I am also a more serene person.

We could even say that ACE taught me to relax, and not give a **** about the health of my office, which is the opposite of what an employee should do.

Yeah, I was tense and stressing out all the time about keeping the office in order and being in control of the situation and now I have learned to not give a **** anymore. Thanks, ACE, for teaching me to relax, and not give a **** about my work anymore.

In a month or so, they'll give me some questionnaire to fill out and i'll write, among the other insults, what i've written in this post.

What a morning
Made to order
What a rainbow
We'll go there someday

See that blue sky
Knows no limits
That's why the clouds stay away

It's so easy predicting the way
People shrug in surprise
When they hear what I say

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OTaKfDkiOSQ

Hear laughing doubters
I'm laughing louder
I don't really care

There's a song in my ear
I've been hearing for years
Somehow it always appears

(whistling)

What a way to
Spend the day you
Can't turn a corner
Without making friends

Every second
Life gets better
I don't know where it will end

It's so easy to know what they'll say
When i walk through the streets almost every day

Dear laughing doubters
I'm laughing louder
I don't really care

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PtTPluwMWWk

There's a song in my ear
I've been hearing for years
Somehow it always appears

Dear laughing doubters
I'm laughing louder
Why should I care

There's a song in my ear
I've been hearing for years
Somehow it always appears

(whistling)

Omg, dude, I am so hooked on this song, lol! I have played it like 50 times in the last 48 hours.

It does something for me, I don't know what. It heals all the wounds from my adolescence and insults received from my father and peers.

I didn't take the time to paraphrase all the lyrics but from this part

Dear laughing doubters
I'm laughing louder
Why should I care

it sounds to me like it's saying for me... "Hey, you were laughing at my dreams and instead I made them come true". Like the protagonist of Dinner for Schmucks, let me quote John Lennon: when I tell you about the money I'll make with trading, you may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SqTZvVBnIjc

Barry: In the words of John Lennon, "you may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not."
Tim: ...the only one.
Barry: The only what?
Tim: No, that's the lyric: "You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one."
Barry: Oh, OK Tim.

That's right, Barry - I'm not a dreamer. I am a realist. And to quote the end titles song again:

It's so easy predicting the way
People shrug in surprise
When they hear what I say

That movie is a work of art, bordering on "masterpiece".

 

[Yamato]

hooked on another song

Here's another song I am hooked on. I really like how towards the middle it speeds up. I don't know the terms, but it picks up speed. It makes me feel like jumping up and down in the room like mc hammer, and then jump out of the window maybe. I am filled with joy and good mood:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t1EC4om5VV4

You see, this song initially is like a torture, but then, at minute 1.55, it picks up speed and it becomes a masterpiece. Maybe it was written as a torture. But then they turned it into a beautiful song simple by changing the pace, like Paul Simon did to American Tune, which was a torture song in the 1600s or so, by some German dude, but then Paul Simon's version kicks ass.

Like in movies and cooking. The melody is not all. Sometimes it's all in the speed and arrangement. Without the double bass starting at minute 1.55 this song would suck, and without Steve Carrell, the Dinner for Schmucks movie would suck. It's so fascinating. You're watching a great movie or hearing a great song, and you don't always realize all the ingredients needed to make it so good. Just one ingredient missing and it would suck. It would be like a movie with tom cruise, which is to movies what pissing is to cooking. That's why all movies with tom cruise suck, despite all the millions spent to make them.

Tell you what. Not just him. I am talking about all those commercial actors. But Tom Cruise is the worst of all. Second is Nicole Kidman. She sucks just as much as him.

Tom Cruise made one good movie (where he played almost a realistic character):
Taps.

Nicole Kidman made one good movie (despite her ineptitude):
Dead Calm.

Clooney is a bit better, but basically his only good movie is From Dusk Till Dawn.

Getting back to Tom Cruise, casting him in a movie is like pissing in your recipe. Not that the other ingredients of his movies are good anyway. Yeah, because since they have to appeal to a bigger audience to pay for his salary, they make sure to make foolproof movie, like windows 7 and office 2007, one with big buttons, and kindergarten menus, which in commercial movies are stupid jokes, stupid concepts, stupid values, like the people watching them.

The bigger the crowd, the more stupid the movie, the book, the anything. The level gets lower and lower like lowest common denominator with numbers. The more numbers, the lower the denominator or whatever it's called. It's like a law for music, movies, anything dealing with people. The more people you want to please, the less... the crappier the product is. Well, not exactly, but you get my point.

 

[Yamato]

omg, dude, there's like... a mosquito in my room!

Don't you just hate it when everything seems so perfect and instead you have to embark on a new crusade, this time against a mosquito that somehow got into your room? And who can hit you when you least expect it? This means to me another night of insomnia.

Just when my life seemed so perfect, and the systems had made two or three thousand dollars in the last few days, and no more problems at work because i had accepted to obey stupid orders, no problems with the maid who finally understood the difference between fresh and UHT milk (I want UHT)... there comes a mosquito and ruins my life all over again.

It's conspiracy theory all over again. Damn. The assholes at work, my dad, the mosquitoes, the neighbour bitches, the taxi drivers... everyone plotting against me. It's obvious.

00:12:16 How much more have you got to eat?
00:12:22 Appetites aren't as big as your noses, huh?

http://www.subzin.com/quotes/As+Good+as+It+Gets/4

I am now feeling and getting closer and closer to this Jack Nicholson character. Until now I've felt like travis bickle...

But actually I've never been like travis. I always would have liked to be able to kill, but never have killed anyone.

What we all three have in common is that we're intolerant. Travis kills, Melvin Udall verbally abuses, I complain about stuff to people and in my journal. I am the most peaceful one, in practice. But in theory I'd like to have people killed.

Occasionally I lose my temper and I speak out, but there's no such character in movies, none are protagonists. Nothing happens in my life to deserve being a protagonist in a movie. I don't talk (just complain), I don't kill, I don't joke. Maybe Woody Allen is the actual character that is closest to me:

Yeah, because it's the only protagonist of movies that is actually close to the average person. Everyone else is closer to being a super-hero or a super-madman.

But maybe this is my favorite part from a movie by Woody Allen:

Excellent acting. Omg, dude, Diane Keaton. Godfather 1 and Godfather 2, precisely in the same years she did this movie. Excellent, excellent... check her out here, just one year before Love and Death:

Never mind the modified words Al Pacino says (from Scarface). Now, Diane Keaton is a real actress, not like Nicole ****ing Kidman.

All right, anyway. Woody Allen is what I am, just like any average regular human being. But the characters I look up to are the protagonists in Taxi Driver and in As Good As It Gets. And of course also the ones in Godfather, Scarface.

 

[Yamato]

omg, dude, I'm like... wtf...!?

"Just what have I done to deserve all this luck and life smiling at me all of a sudden?" says my imaginary friend.



And then today there's more profit coming, which is not in the activity statements yet.

So, basically I haven't done much, except trying and working non-stop for almost 14 years. And finally getting all the ingredients right.

Interestingly, the recipe is not perfect yet, because it's clear that we don't have what we'd like to see and I am not referring to the fact of not having all profitable trades, but to not having something like two wins and then one loss, all the time, in this sequence. Instead, what we see is 40 wins and then 20 losses. Or rather 30 wins and 30 losses, but the wins are bigger. Well, not even that, but you get my point.

Well, anyway. It is happening. And it is happening in a random way, not in a laser-guided way by god. I don't remember doing anything nice for humanity to deserve all this profit lately. And I don't remember doing stuff to be deserving all the losses for the last 13 years. Somehow, despite all my talk about statistics, and despite being atheist, I still have this deep-ingrained feeling that it is/was (still "is") god guiding my success or insuccess... depending on what I deserved from time to time, depending on whether i had made the right prayer or not, and so on. It's like those guys who tell you "oh no, i don't believe in horoscopes - but they're interesting...", when you catch them reading them, or when they ask you "what is your sign?". But sometimes they say "I don't believe in horoscopes but sometimes they're right". That is the same type of birdbrain person that slams doors, because doesn't realize there's other people who are bothered by them. And doesn't think that the door doesn't need to be slammed to be shut despite being heavy.

Hey, and also remember that my mom was a sunday school teacher and that is the way I was brought up, even though it doesn't make much sense for someone who'd like to have the neighbour bitch killed, besides a lot of people at work. Neighbour bitch, which by the way slammed her door just now. Yeah, she's not a "who" but a "which". She's a whore all right, but not a "whore, who", a "whore, which...". And she's not a "she" either. It's not smart enough to be considered a human being, or a thinking entity. May you die struck by lightning within the next 24 hours. If, like in the movies, god hit the right people, those on my list, with lightnings, then I'd start believing in him. But he doesn't collaborate at all.

Anyway, patting myself on the back like crazy for the equity line. They may have said I was a dreamer but they were wrong.

And I will post this song one more time, song which was written for me:

 

[Yamato]

it just keeps going and going... and I am euphoric

This is what happens with an equity curve that goes up like a rocket. Today there's more profit by the systems, another 1000 dollars, and more... it just keeps going... then I know the drawdown will all come at once, but right now I can't help feeling euphoric. I can't help yelling out my happiness. I can't help showing off the results of years and years of work.

I am so happy about this that I almost feel like forgiving the kaizen dicks for giving me problems for 5 months.

I am euphoric. If I were trading discretionary this excitement would cause losses and halt my happiness very quickly. Instead, since it's not a human decision, the systems keep placing trades, regardless of how well/bad they've been doing in the recent past.

 

[Yamato]

another work of art by some unknown dudes on youtube

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C60iYHFE2pI

Each morning, a missionary advertises neon sign
He tells the native population that civilization is fine
And three educated savages holler from a bamboo tree
That civilization is a thing for me to see

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ccNpWBdeZ0

So bongo, bongo, bongo, I don't wanna leave the Congo, oh no no no no no
Bingo, bangle, bungle, I'm so happy in the jungle, I refuse to go
Don't want no bright lights, false teeth, doorbells, landlords, I make it clear
That no matter how they coax him, I'll stay right here

I looked through a magazine the missionary's wife concealed (Magazine? What happens?)
I see how people who are civilized bung you with automobile (You know you can get hurt that
way Daniel?)
At the movies they have got to pay many coconuts to see (What do they see, Darling?)
Uncivilized pictures that the newsreel takes of me

So bongo, bongo, bongo, he don't wanna leave the Congo, oh no no no no no
Bingo, bangle, bungle, he's so happy in the jungle, he refuse to go...

 

[Yamato]

great, great, great day

As i said today was a great day. Great profit by the systems. I made peace with the boss. I even made great progress with the automation of my 120 systems.

Here's the sharpe ratio situation of the best systems I have (I haven't finished automating the new 52 systems).



The ones circled in green are being traded. The others aren't. For once I am ok with not rushing to add any new systems. Maybe just GC_ID_01 would be worth adding right now.

Here's a little song that I'd like to dedicate to my systems and to their profit:

Money will help get by during periods of poverty:

Poverty may come to me, it's true
But what care I, say
I'll get by as long as I have you

 

[Yamato]

on the verge of showing off... (weekly update)

SHOWING OFF DISCLAIMER

At this point, if we keep going like this for another month, I will stop posting this equity curve, because, despite the fact that I keep writing about how miserable I am at the office and in many other aspects of my life, I feel like I am almost showing off. One thing is to describe your struggle and progress, which is what I've been doing all these months. Another thing is to describe your happiness and money and throw it in everyone's face. As I said, I am not the person who'd buy an expensive car, simply because it is not nice to show off your money in people's face. The right thing to do would be to give it away, but I won't do that, because i am not that nice. But since I don't do that, i at least refrain from showing it off. So I am most definitely against buying any type of jewelry, expensive clothes, cars, expensive hotels, meals... anything that is not useful basically. I am against showing off my money.

Oh, and another example of my thinking is that if you're eating at a restaurant, no matter how cheap, and someone from the street comes and asks for money, you can't refuse, because he caught you eating in his face basically, so absolutely can't just keep eating and ignore him or say "i don't have any money", because that is just too contradictory and insulting. On the other hand, if you're rich enough to quit your job, and rich enough to buy an island and isolate yourself from the assholes of the world, then it is ok to do so, and my conscience is clean. Maybe it is the same thing, but hey, it doesn't feel as bad as showing off your money. You're using it just the same, but you're not showing it off.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5jIjv5QbidM

Having made these premises, since this is my journal, and since I've written 4000 posts about my continuous compulsive gambling, losses, and misery in general - actually the whole journal focus on my complaints and unhappiness... so, since I already did all that and I cannot be accused of showing off, well, here's, like every week, me showing off of my hard work and the results of it, that is, here's my usual weekly update.



WEEKLY UPDATE

Money made, trade by trade, since the start:



The overall sharpe ratio has finally gone higher, after the initial months of ups and downs, and it's now at exactly 1.89. Yeah... I am so good, I know. Thanks for your compliments, imaginary friend. Self-pat on the back.

Another comment by looking at the above chart is that my systems behave like in a rocket launch. Half of the time they're screwing around, and going nowhere with the equity line, and then the other half there's the rocket launch, and they just keep going up, without ever stopping, until the next drawdown.

That's right, as Kennedy says, I chose to do this, "not because it was easy but because it was hard". Actually I started doing it because I thought it was easy, and then I kept doing it because it became a challenge. And now my equity curve and I are finally going to the moon. However, it did take me longer than planned, and longer than a decade.



Correlations with sp500 and eur/usd:



Yeah, there is some correlation, because when the eur/usd and sp500 go down, we also go down more often than not. But all in all, when they fall, the systems lose less, and when they rise, the systems make more, and when they go nowhere, the systems still make money. So the correlations are acceptable. Their range and their uptrend cause the systems to make money. The only danger is their downtrend but so far drawdowns have been acceptable, even during their downtrends. We've had 3 drawdowns of 5000 dollars, lasting 3 months, 2.5 months, 1.5 months. It is getting better also because we've been changing the mix of systems.


Now the profit system by system:



I am not even going to analyze this last table. The summary of all these pictures I posted is that I am a hard working person, not a genius, but a person who works very hard and very consistently (year after year on the same project). And hard work stimulates and produces knowledge and intelligence. And all that in turn may not produce results at work, where I am dealing with idiots, and where you get promoted if you kiss up or have connections, but I have finally found a field where your hard work and intelligence are correlated with your income: the field of automated trading.