Best Thread Joke of the day

[0007]

[FONT=&quot]The American tourist visiting England desperately wanted to be able to go back home and say that he had met the Queen. Luckily, he came across a man who had an invitation to a Garden Party at Buckingham Palace.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] “I’ll give you $200 for your Invitation”, he said.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] “Make it $300 and it’s yours”, was the reply.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]He agreed and handed over the cash.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] “You’ll have to wear formal dress” he was told, so he went off to Saville Row and bought all the gear.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]On the appointed day, he turned up and took his place in the front row of the first line and waited for the Queen to come along and to speak to him. Unfortunately, she walked straight past him and the only person she stopped to speak to was a man near the end of the line who was dressed in an untidy, tatty suit and who was wearing no tie.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]He suddenly had a bright idea. He dashed along the back of the row and offered the scruffy man $200 to change suits with him. After changing he rushed round and took his place at the far end of the second row. It all worked out and, as she reached him, the Queen leaned towards him and said in her very upper class English voice,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] “I say! I already told you, only five minutes ago, to bugger orf!!”[/FONT]

 

[Atilla]

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English
will be the official language of the European Union rather than German,
which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English
spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in
plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make
the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up
konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always
ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is
disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with
"z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining
"ou"
and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like
zey vunted in ze > forst plas.

 

[0007]

Job interview question:You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:
a. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
b. An old friend who once saved your life.
c. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Some candidate answers:
1. Pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first
2. Take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
3. Your perfect mate - who you may never find again.
Original thinker's reply (who got the job):
"Give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."
Trader's reply: "Run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner against the bus stop, then drive off with the old friend for some beers"

 

[Atilla]

Thought for the Day...

Handle every stressful situation like a dog.
If you can't eat it or play with it,
Just pee on it and walk away. :cheesy:

 

[Atilla]

Show empathy...

Did you get caught in the rain at lunchtime...


I don't like cruelty to animals but I make exception for cats...:cheesy:

 

[Atilla]

They walk amongts us...

They walk amongts us...

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local town council office to request the removal of the "DEER CROSSING" sign
on our road.
She said the reason was : 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

Story from Potters Bar, Herts, UK

 

[0007]

[FONT=&quot]An old man is standing at the bus stop staring very hard at the young man next to him who has spiky orange, green and blue hair. The young man, realising he's being watched, turns to the old man and says, "What are you looking at, Old Man, didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"
"Well, Yes," replies the old man, "I once had sex with a parrot and I was just wondering if you might be my son."

[/FONT]

 

[Atilla]

How important is Eye Makeup?

Ladies, the best way to attract a man is with your eyes. That's why it's so important to have your eye makeup perfectly applied.

Remember, if it weren't for the excellent application of proper eye makeup this young lady probably wouldn't get a second look from most guys . . .

 

[sighthound]

3 Doctors discussing their cases,
French Doc says,"We transplanted a lung from Paris into a sick man in Cannes and in 6 weeks he was looking for work".
German Doc says,"We had a heart from Berlin transplanted into a man from Frankfurt and in 4 weeks he was looking for work".
English Doc says."We transplanted an bumhole from Scotland into 10 Downing Street and now the whole frigging country is looking for work".

 

[jimbo22]

This is a step too far...for man's best friend...the look on the dog's face is priceless.

 

[Omoh101]

ATTORNEY: how was your first marriage terminated
WITNESS : By death
ATTORNEY: and by whose death was it terminated
WITNESS: Take a guess

 

[Omoh101]

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you this morning?
WITNESS : He said, "Where am I Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!!

 

[neil]

I told the wife I had joined a rambling club.....she said - "Is that walking or talking?"

 

[0007]

clic the pic

 

[Adamus]

old as the internet

 

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

Do you want to find out who is truly your real friend?

This really works !!!

If you don't believe me, just try this little experiment.

Put your wife and your dog in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the boot, who is really happy to see you?

 

[Pat494]

Do you want to find out who is truly your real friend?

This really works !!!

If you don't believe me, just try this little experiment.

Put your wife and your dog in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the boot, who is really happy to see you?

Maybe its because of who sh*gged who

 

[0007]

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them. "Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happenin?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Germany, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss's side, Dave asks him, "What happened?!?!" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the f***'s that on the balcony with Dave?"

 

[Pat494]

“I cannot understand you “ said the young man to his unmarried aunt.
“ You seem so happy and contented. I’ve always thought that unmarried women are lonely and miserable, and just longing for the presence of a man around the house.”
“Well his aunt responded smiling. ! I’ve got a fireplace that smokes, a parrot that swears, a cat that stays out half the night with no explanation, and a dog that leaves muddy footprints all over the house.
What more do I want ?”

boosted from the Parish mag

 

[Atilla]

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them. "Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happenin?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Germany, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss's side, Dave asks him, "What happened?!?!" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the f***'s that on the balcony with Dave?"

His surname wasn't Smith was it?

I know a Dave Smith :smart: Just wondering weather it is the same Dave...

Honest...