Pat494
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Best Thread Joke of the day
- Thread starter Airthrey Capital
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westernforce
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Nice one 0007, but look at the last picture, the dark van has changed back to a red car 
Me suspects skulduggery with photoshop...
Me suspects skulduggery with photoshop...
timsk
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A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address and, without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her emails expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: March 08, 2010
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. F***ing hot down here!
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address and, without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her emails expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: March 08, 2010
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. F***ing hot down here!
0007
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Nice one 0007, but look at the last picture, the dark van has changed back to a red car
Me suspects skulduggery with photoshop...
the last 2 pics also different quality - wondrous what you can do with Photoshop! Still, it is the joke thread
HawkTrader
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Ambrose Ackroyd
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Apple will be releasing a new gadget exclusively for women later this year.
It's called the iRon.
It's called the iRon.
0007
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Preview here:
Attachments
Atilla
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Computers can do this to you!!!
Computer Tech Support
This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills!
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...!
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine . I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute.. I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....!
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it!
===============
Customer: I have problems printing in red..
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah!....................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11!
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah..that one does work!
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
== =============
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars!
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem.. A friend has placed a screen saver
on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, the screen saver disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address , but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man
sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine!'
= ==============
And last but not least...
Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That
brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
Computer Tech Support
This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills!
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...!
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine . I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute.. I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....!
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it!
===============
Customer: I have problems printing in red..
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah!....................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11!
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah..that one does work!
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
== =============
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars!
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem.. A friend has placed a screen saver
on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, the screen saver disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address , but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man
sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine!'
= ==============
And last but not least...
Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That
brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
0007
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US Int update
During the recent Chilcot enquiry certain intelligence aspects were subject to a reporting ban due to their sensitive USA sources. This one appears to have leaked out:
George (Dubya) Bush received a message from Bin Laden but when it arrived neither he nor his int staff could crack the code. It read :-
[FONT="]370H55V - 0773H[/FONT]
Condaleeza was baffled & so was Rumsfeld. They were about to give up when the cleaning lady said "Excuse me, sir. You are holding it upside down."
During the recent Chilcot enquiry certain intelligence aspects were subject to a reporting ban due to their sensitive USA sources. This one appears to have leaked out:
George (Dubya) Bush received a message from Bin Laden but when it arrived neither he nor his int staff could crack the code. It read :-
[FONT="]370H55V - 0773H[/FONT]
Condaleeza was baffled & so was Rumsfeld. They were about to give up when the cleaning lady said "Excuse me, sir. You are holding it upside down."
Re: BA cabin staff on strike ?
Lucky for him that the other man stopped him from closing the door - he would have crushed his thumbs
Lucky for him that the other man stopped him from closing the door - he would have crushed his thumbs
Ambrose Ackroyd
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Dear Agony Aunt,
I think my wife has been cheating on me.
Today she parked the car outside the house and a man got out and kissed her.
Then she took her thong out of her handbag and put it back on.
It was only then when I realised... there's a split in the the downpipe from the exhaust manifold.
is this something I can fix myself or do I need to take it to the garage?
I think my wife has been cheating on me.
Today she parked the car outside the house and a man got out and kissed her.
Then she took her thong out of her handbag and put it back on.
It was only then when I realised... there's a split in the the downpipe from the exhaust manifold.
is this something I can fix myself or do I need to take it to the garage?
Two drunken guys ( choose your favoured country here -Irish, Polish, etc ) on the way home come to cross the road.
As they are about to cross one sees a ladies hand mirror and bends down and picks it up.
He looks at it for a while then turns to the other guy and says " I know the face. I just cant put a name to it"
The second guy says " Here, give it to me".
He looks at it for a second and exclaims " You stupid %&*%ard! Its me!!"
As they are about to cross one sees a ladies hand mirror and bends down and picks it up.
He looks at it for a while then turns to the other guy and says " I know the face. I just cant put a name to it"
The second guy says " Here, give it to me".
He looks at it for a second and exclaims " You stupid %&*%ard! Its me!!"
Ambrose Ackroyd
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BBC News - "Telegraph named paper of the year".
Andrex must be gutted.
Andrex must be gutted.
Ambrose Ackroyd
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Call it a hunch, but I'm pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine.
I think Santa Claus is a woman ... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
* Men can't pack a bag.
* Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
* Men would feel their masculinity is threatened ... having to be seen with all those elves.
* Men don't answer their mail.
* Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
* Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
* Having to do the "Ho Ho Ho" thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
* Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical characters are men ...
* Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.
Definite guy.
* Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
Guy
* Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Ditto
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
* Men can't pack a bag.
* Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
* Men would feel their masculinity is threatened ... having to be seen with all those elves.
* Men don't answer their mail.
* Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
* Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
* Having to do the "Ho Ho Ho" thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
* Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical characters are men ...
* Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.
Definite guy.
* Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
Guy
* Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Ditto
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.
:clap::clap::clap:
