Best Thread Joke of the day

[sighthound]

Bloke jokes:

How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it!

Whats the difference between a battery and a women? A battery has a positive side!

What are the 3 fastest means of communication? 1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

Why is the space between a womans breasts and her hips called a waist? Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there!

Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think men care!

What do you say to a women with 2 black eyes? Nothing she's been told twice already!

 

[0007]

His surname wasn't Smith was it?

I know a Dave Smith :smart: Just wondering weather it is the same Dave...

Honest...

Was that Dave Smith, - Chalky White's mate then?

 

[0007]

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love,
Becky


The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:

Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f*ck you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,
Ricky

 

[Atilla]

Don’t spread your germs, please be mindful of others.

 

[0007]

Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said, "Forgive me Father,
for I have sinned."

"What have you done Tommy O'Connor?"

"I had sex with a girl."

"Who was it, Tommy?"

"I cannot tell you Father, please forgive me for my sin."

"Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?" he asked.

"No Father, please forgive me for my sin but I cannot tell you
who it was."

"Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?"

"No Father, please forgive me for my sin," he replied.

"Well then it has to be Sarah Martha O'Keefe."

"No Father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was."

"Okay, Tommy, go say five Hail Mary's and four Our Fathers and
you will be abolished of your sin."

So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph was
waiting.

"What did ya get?" asked Joseph.

"Well I got five hail Marys, four Our Fathers, and three good
leads."

 

[Pat494]

Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said, "Forgive me Father,
for I have sinned."

"What have you done Tommy O'Connor?"

"I had sex with a girl."

"Who was it, Tommy?"

"I cannot tell you Father, please forgive me for my sin."

"Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?" he asked.

"No Father, please forgive me for my sin but I cannot tell you
who it was."

"Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?"

"No Father, please forgive me for my sin," he replied.

"Well then it has to be Sarah Martha O'Keefe."

"No Father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was."

"Okay, Tommy, go say five Hail Mary's and four Our Fathers and
you will be abolished of your sin."

So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph was
waiting.

"What did ya get?" asked Joseph.

"Well I got five hail Marys, four Our Fathers, and three good
leads."

abolished ??

 

[0007]

abolished ??

local dialect

 

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

Just failed my theory test.

Apparently female drivers aren't a hazard.

 

[westernforce]

Just failed my theory test.

Apparently female drivers aren't a hazard.

Well we all know they are a hazard, it's just not PC to actually record it in the manual

 

[0007]

Just failed my theory test.

Apparently female drivers aren't a hazard.

They've recently tightened up on the standard of answer. You really do have to be more specific in your answers. Eg. in your case you should have mentioned "Essex girls" to have got full marks.

 

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

Are Essex girls female ?

 

[HawkTrader]

Are Essex girls female ?

:cheesy:

 

[Pat494]

Are Essex girls female ?

There was this girl from bleeding Romford and on her way back from a party crashed the car. It skidded along on its roof upside down. The fire brigade turned up with cutting equipment. The officer cut his way into the car. The girl was hanging upside down from the straps and a small trickle of blood was gathering on the ground. The officer thought to find out what was wrong before cutting her free. So he asked " where are are you bleeding from dear ?"
And she said from " bleeding Romford ":cheesy:

 

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

I just saw a Romford girl getting into a car the wrong way.

Through the driver's door.

 

[0007]

From the IT Helpdesk (genuine). Read the story first, then scroll down ........


"A co-worker got a pen stuck inside the printer. He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk. So he grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled on it. I left before he finished the note. About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate. Attached is what he found. Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to."





























....

 

[tenbobtrader]

.

 

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

Cocaine is never a solution.

Unless of course, you dissolve it in water.

 

[tenbobtrader]

.

 

[GumRai]

.

Mirror Mirror on the wall, who is the silliest Ebayer of all ??

 

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

I was driving to work today and saw a woman driving down the road with her hazard lights on.

At least she's honest.