Best Thread Joke of the day
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kaciara
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special one
trendie
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Last edited:
Vaco
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Black Testicles
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse,” he mumbles, from behind the mask “Are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body.”
He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, are my testicles black?”
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her
embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his ***** in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.
Then, she takes a close look and says, “No sir, they aren’t and I assure you, there’s nothing
Wrong with them, Sir!!”
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
“Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....
“A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k?”
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse,” he mumbles, from behind the mask “Are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body.”
He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, are my testicles black?”
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her
embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his ***** in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.
Then, she takes a close look and says, “No sir, they aren’t and I assure you, there’s nothing
Wrong with them, Sir!!”
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
“Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....
“A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k?”
Ambrose Ackroyd
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An Irish family have frozen to death outside a theatre in Dublin.
They had been queuing for three weeks to see Closed For The Winter.
They had been queuing for three weeks to see Closed For The Winter.
Vaco
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Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women.
They are mixing the Renault Clio and the Ford Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus."
It comes in pink and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.
They are mixing the Renault Clio and the Ford Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus."
It comes in pink and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.
Ambrose Ackroyd
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Latest news on the Brad - Angelina split.
Apparently Madonna is trying to sign up their kids before the January transfer window closes.
Apparently Madonna is trying to sign up their kids before the January transfer window closes.
tenbobtrader
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HawkTrader
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98.9% of all stastics and figures are made up.
Pat494
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Just another day in the life of a legal vulture
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law someplace.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law someplace.
Vaco
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An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'
'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a young woman with big tits, she seems to appear out of nowhere.'
'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'
'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a young woman with big tits, she seems to appear out of nowhere.'
tenbobtrader
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Pat494
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A prisoner escapes from prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. >While he is there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you! too."
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you! too."
0007
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Lord Mandelson called Gordon Brown into his office one day and said, "Gordon, I have a great idea for the General Election! We are going to go all out to win back Middle England". "Good idea Mandy, how will we go about it?" said Brown. "Well,” said Mandy "we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats, some proper green wellies ' a stick and a flat cap, oh! and a Labrador. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in Much Something or the other,or one of those country villages and we'll show how we really enjoy the Countryside". "Right Mandy!" said the PM.
So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London. Eventually they arrived at just the sort of place they were looking for and found a lovely country pub and, with the dog, went in and up to the bar. “Good evening Landlord, may we have two pints of your best ale, from the wood" said Gordo. "Good evening Prime Minister" said the landlord, "two pints of best it is, coming up"
Gordo and Mandy stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet. All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments later, in came another old shepherd with his crook. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five shepherds came in, lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled. Eventually Gordo and Mandy could stand it no longer and called the barman over. "Tell me" said Mandy, "why did all those old shepherds come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old custom?" "Good Lord no," said the barman." Its just that someone has told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two ar$eholes".
So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London. Eventually they arrived at just the sort of place they were looking for and found a lovely country pub and, with the dog, went in and up to the bar. “Good evening Landlord, may we have two pints of your best ale, from the wood" said Gordo. "Good evening Prime Minister" said the landlord, "two pints of best it is, coming up"
Gordo and Mandy stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet. All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments later, in came another old shepherd with his crook. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five shepherds came in, lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled. Eventually Gordo and Mandy could stand it no longer and called the barman over. "Tell me" said Mandy, "why did all those old shepherds come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old custom?" "Good Lord no," said the barman." Its just that someone has told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two ar$eholes".
0007
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A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks
over at him and asks a bold question.
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence -
HUSBAND: "$hit."
over at him and asks a bold question.
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence -
HUSBAND: "$hit."
HawkTrader
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Some jokes related to trading and finance markets;
Record unemployment levels have been announced today as the Credit Crunch tightens it’s grip.
Worst hit sectors are the construction trade and Icelandic bank robbers.
________________________________________________
Q: What’s the difference between Investment Bankers and London Pigeons?
A: The Pigeons are still capable of making deposits on new BMW’s.
________________________________________________
(Quote from a trader): “This is worse than a divorce. I’ve lost half my net worth and I still have a wife.”
Record unemployment levels have been announced today as the Credit Crunch tightens it’s grip.
Worst hit sectors are the construction trade and Icelandic bank robbers.
________________________________________________
Q: What’s the difference between Investment Bankers and London Pigeons?
A: The Pigeons are still capable of making deposits on new BMW’s.
________________________________________________
(Quote from a trader): “This is worse than a divorce. I’ve lost half my net worth and I still have a wife.”
