Best Thread Joke of the day

Chris Tarrant asks Wayne Bridge, "For £64,000, what is the colour of Vanessa Perroncel's pubic hair?

Is it, A - Brown, B - Black, C - Blonde or D - Ginger"

Wayne replies, "Can I phone a friend?"
 
Ashley Cole was caught doing 104mph in a 50mph zone.

When questioned by police as to why he was speeding he said, "l've just heard John Terry is parked outside my house."
 
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:cheesy:
 
The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.


A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost.
He reduced his altitude and saw a man below.
"Excuse me, but can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but
I don't know where I am," he said.

The man below replied: "You are in a hot air balloon
hovering approximately 30 ft above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees North latitude and
between 56 and 57 degrees West longitude."

To which the balloonist replied:
"You must be a broker." To which the man on the ground said:
"I am, but how did you know?"

The reply came from above: "Everything you told me is
technically correct but I have no idea what to make of your
information, and the fact is I'm still lost.
Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The man below responded: "You must be a trader."
To which the balloonist replied: "Yes, I am, but how did you know?"

To which the man on the ground said: "You don't know where you
are or where you are going. You have risen to your current position
due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have
no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem.
The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in
before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."




Three turtles, Troy, Andy and Wayne, decide to go on a picnic.

Troy packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there, Troy unpacks the food and beer.

"Ok Wayne give me the bottle opener"

"I didn't bring it" says Wayne

"I thought you packed it"

Troy gets worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?"

Naturally Andy didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Troy and Andy beg Wayne to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their turtle lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.

So Wayne sets off down the road at a steady pace.

20 days pass and he still isn't back and Troy and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise.

Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.

Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat them, Wayne pops up from behind a rock and shouts, "I knew it! ... I'm not f***ing going!"
 
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[FONT=&quot]An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Yup, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, baling hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess, Yup I am a cowboy." She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man came and sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well", he said, "I always thought I was, but now I just found out that I'm must be a lesbian.[/FONT]
 
My missus is always complaining at me for splashing p1ss on the bathroom floor when I come home from a night on the ale.

I found a solution.

I now put one foot in the bog and p1ss down my leg!
 
Ambrose Ackroyd said:
My missus is always complaining at me for splashing p1ss on the bathroom floor when I come home from a night on the ale.

I found a solution.

I now put one foot in the bog and p1ss down my leg!
Click to expand...

That's a great example of thinking outside the bogs. :jester:
 
Ambrose Ackroyd said:
My missus is always complaining at me for splashing p1ss on the bathroom floor when I come home from a night on the ale.

I found a solution.

I now put one foot in the bog and p1ss down my leg!
Click to expand...


I have an ecological upgrade solution for you...


Place one leg in toilet and p1ss down same leg.


Less hassle and saves on plastic bag wastage... :cheesy:
 
[FONT=&quot]A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog
is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out. I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap? "Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that $hit !"[/FONT]
 
[FONT=&quot]With the coming election I’ve heard that “New Lab” is changing its emblem from a Red Rose to a Condom.

Apparently they think that a condom more clearly reflects the party's stance today and is particularly appropriate having Gordon as leader. The logic behind this seems to be that a condom accepts inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually getting screwed.[/FONT]
 
[FONT=&quot]A bloke on holiday goes into the public bar of a deeply rural English village pub and orders a pint. All the yokels sitting around the bar turn their heads, look up and gaze in wonderment at the stranger. The barman says, "You not be from round here, then?" The guy says, "No, I'm from suburban London, old chap." The barman says, "What do you do in London then?" The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The barman says, "A taxidermist? What’s that then? - Do you drive some kind of posh hire car?" "No,no, .... a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals." The barman grins knowingly and yells, "He's okay lads - he's one of us."[/FONT]
 
Mr Charts, if you can post details of your last 200 trades I will tell you exactly how good your approach is? Preferably an excel file. This should be possible with all modern day broker platforms


I just felt this post was worthy of being added to to the joke thread.
 
Heard on the radio today re: discussion on how people find out their partner's gone/leaving (for good).

"She said she was going out for a pint of milk but never came back - that was a week ago"
Best sympathetic mate: "How are you coping?"
........ "I've been using the powdered stuff - it seems alright!"
 
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