Best Thread Joke of the day
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0007
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My kind of woman?
Got this in the junk mail today.
"Aloha, gentleman
Life for love... Love for life...
I think I am calm, optimistic, communicative well-balanced lady .... link deleted .... I like travelling, reading, going to the theatre, football, horses, shooting, visiting concerts arts. I am a calm woman who loves housework.
I would like to build a strong relationship with a serious man. I would like to meet an intelligent, honest, kind, optimistic and responsive man.
So long
Tanya V "
I thinks it's the bit about housework that's most appealing - never known anyone like that before!
Got this in the junk mail today.
"Aloha, gentleman
Life for love... Love for life...
I think I am calm, optimistic, communicative well-balanced lady .... link deleted .... I like travelling, reading, going to the theatre, football, horses, shooting, visiting concerts arts. I am a calm woman who loves housework.
I would like to build a strong relationship with a serious man. I would like to meet an intelligent, honest, kind, optimistic and responsive man.
So long
Tanya V "
I thinks it's the bit about housework that's most appealing - never known anyone like that before!
HawkTrader
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Re: My kind of woman?
Tanya, sounds Eastern European to me. Perhaps Russian?
Interestingly she said "hi" in Spanish though.
Ask for pics!!
Tanya, sounds Eastern European to me. Perhaps Russian?
Interestingly she said "hi" in Spanish though.Ask for pics!!
Atilla
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Re: My kind of woman?
Woman who thinks she is calm is being too emotional if you ask me...
Woman who thinks she is calm is being too emotional if you ask me...
Pat494
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gamma
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During the space race back in the 1960's, NASA was faced with a major problem. The astronaut needed a pen that would write in the vacuum of space. NASA went to work. At a cost of $1.5 million they developed the "Astronaut Pen". Some of you may remember. It enjoyed minor success on the commercial market.
The Russians were faced with the same dilemma.
They used a pencil.
The Russians were faced with the same dilemma.
They used a pencil.
Pat494
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Just another day in the business world
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf.
That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer "Ask him where the ten million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, whatta he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf.
That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer "Ask him where the ten million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, whatta he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Pat494
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A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry,we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."
Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
"Sorry,we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."
Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
dash riprock
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Ridiculous Holiday Complaints
Ridiculous holiday complaints
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ABTA (Association of British Travel Agents) has recently released the top 20 ridiculous complaints made by holidaymakers to their travel agents.
Here are the first 10:
1) A tourist staying at a holiday lodge in Africa with his new wife caught sight of a visibly aroused elephant, and submitted a complaint on the basis that the animal’s obviously virility made him feel “inadequate”.
2) A woman claimed that she was being kept a prisoner in her hotel room. In fact, she had mistaken the “Do Not Disturb” sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.
3) ”The beach was too sandy.”
4) A guest complained about the soup he was served at a top hotel in Australia. He was actually drinking gravy at the time.
5) ”Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women.”
6) ”We bought ‘Ray-Ban’ sunglasses for five euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake.”
7) ”No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled.”
8) ”It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home.”
9) ”My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”
10) ”I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends’ three-bedroom apartment and
Ridiculous holiday complaints
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ABTA (Association of British Travel Agents) has recently released the top 20 ridiculous complaints made by holidaymakers to their travel agents.
Here are the first 10:
1) A tourist staying at a holiday lodge in Africa with his new wife caught sight of a visibly aroused elephant, and submitted a complaint on the basis that the animal’s obviously virility made him feel “inadequate”.
2) A woman claimed that she was being kept a prisoner in her hotel room. In fact, she had mistaken the “Do Not Disturb” sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.
3) ”The beach was too sandy.”
4) A guest complained about the soup he was served at a top hotel in Australia. He was actually drinking gravy at the time.
5) ”Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women.”
6) ”We bought ‘Ray-Ban’ sunglasses for five euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake.”
7) ”No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled.”
8) ”It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home.”
9) ”My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”
10) ”I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends’ three-bedroom apartment and
dimsdaletraders
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Pat494
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On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she moves to travellers section since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her.
He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the travellers section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the travellers section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
dimsdaletraders
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Tenapenny
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An oldie but quite good. Insert profession of your choice obviously.
A couple are strolling home after a night out. On the way they pass a graveyard.
Looking through the railings, the girlfriend sees an old headstone that reads:
"Here lies John Smith, a lawyer and an honest man."
Shocked, she turns to her boyfriend and says:
"F*** me, is that legal? Three men in one grave?"
A couple are strolling home after a night out. On the way they pass a graveyard.
Looking through the railings, the girlfriend sees an old headstone that reads:
"Here lies John Smith, a lawyer and an honest man."
Shocked, she turns to her boyfriend and says:
"F*** me, is that legal? Three men in one grave?"
The CEO was doing his management by walking around bit and saw that the factory floor had metal shavings on it. He looked around and saw a young man who didn't seem to be doing anything.
"Hey you," he said, "get that brush and sweep this up."
The youth looked at the CEO with a shocked expression and replied "But I'm a management trainee."
"I'm sorry," the CEO replied and started sweeping it up himself. "This is how you do it," he said, thrusting the brush into the trainee's hands.
"Hey you," he said, "get that brush and sweep this up."
The youth looked at the CEO with a shocked expression and replied "But I'm a management trainee."
"I'm sorry," the CEO replied and started sweeping it up himself. "This is how you do it," he said, thrusting the brush into the trainee's hands.
Pat494
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One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the Irishman.
With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.
Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."
"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the Irishman.
With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.
Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."
Pat494
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A defendant was on trial for murder in Oklahoma. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.
In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
Answered the jury foreman: "Oh, WE did look. But your client didn’t."
In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
Answered the jury foreman: "Oh, WE did look. But your client didn’t."
