Best Thread Joke of the day

The Bathtub Test


During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the "Director how do
You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized."

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'


'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'
 
GCSE Exam Q's & A's

My brother-in-law is a teacher and sent me these questions which were set in a GCSE exam last year. The genuine answers (allegedly!) are from 16 year old pupils at a school in Swindon, Wiltshire.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main, 20 parts of the body, categorised (e.g. the abdomen)?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the cranium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The cranium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
 
Muy bien Tim but clearly not genuine as the dish-washing one has to be about 30 years old and I'd be amazed if many if any current 16-year olds had ever seen stair rods :)
 
Timsk, a lot of those answers sound like stuff kids would write just for a laugh if they don't know the answer. I remember a question i was given was 'Give 3 disadvantages of a floppy disc' - I answered 1) Limited storage space. 2) Access time is slow. 3) If Superman were to shine his laser eyes on it, it probably wouldn't survive. I got full marks for that question as I made the teacher smile whilst he was marking 60 identical papers, so it's worth a go!

Of course you could argue that students should know the answers to the above questions and not have to make stuff up!
 
Here is one worth repeating.

Little Johnny finds the question too hard - doesn't know the answer and writes "God only knows???"


Little Johnny gets his marked papers back with the comments - "God passed, you failed!!!" :LOL:
 
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.

Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer;

It like saying you extend life of car by driving faster.

Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency.

What does cow eat? Hay and corn.

And what are these? Vegetables.

So steak nothing more than efficient mechanism delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.

Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).

And pork chop can give you 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit.

Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way.

Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.

If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a

regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry.

My philosophy is:

No pain...good!



Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NO LISTENING!

Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it.

How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger.

You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you clazy?!? HEL-LO-O!!

Cocoa bean! Nother vegetable!

It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain Whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"



AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat,

here's the final word on nutrition and health.

It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Apparently Speaking English is what kills you.
 
Elefteros said:
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.

Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer;

It like saying you extend life of car by driving faster.

Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Apparently Speaking English is what kills you.
Click to expand...


How about speaking English with a heavy accent, would it help to prolong life? :rolleyes: :innocent:
 
Elefteros said:
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency.

What does cow eat? Hay and corn.

And what are these? Vegetables.

So steak nothing more than efficient mechanism delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.

Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
Click to expand...

This is true. Or as I have seen it put:

The cows that I eat eat grass so that I don't have to.
 
Men do remember anniversaries?

MEN DO REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses.. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
'I would have been released today.'
 
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Two strangers are sitting in adjacent seats in an aeroplane. One
says to the other, a slinky blonde, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if
you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The gorgeous girl,
who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off her glasses
and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"

The guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about High Finance ? thinking he might impress her "

She says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting
conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow,
and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the
cow, big cowpats; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"

The guy says, "I don't know."

"Oh? Well then, do you really think you're
qualified to discuss High Finance when you don't know sh1t?"
 
A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions.

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails.

Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.

"I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "Now I'm checking my answers."
 
Edward Heath on being asked why fellow Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher disliked him so much replied...

"I don't know. I am not a doctor." :LOL:
 
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


Lawyer : Are you sexually active?
Witness : No, I just lie there.

Lawyer : What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
Witness : He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Lawyer : And why did that upset you?
Witness : Yes, my name is Susan.

Lawyer : What is your date of birth?
Witness : July fifteenth.
Lawyer : What year?
Witness : Every year.

Lawyer : What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
Witness : Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Lawyer : This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness : Yes.
Lawyer : And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness : I forget.
Lawyer : You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Lawyer : How old is your son, the one living with you?
Witness : Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Lawyer : How long has he lived with you?
Witness : Forty-five years.

Lawyer : Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Lawyer : So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Witness : Yes.
Lawyer : And what were you doing at that time?

Lawyer : How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness : By death.
Lawyer : And by whose death was it terminated?

Lawyer : Can you describe the individual?
Witness : He was about medium height and had a beard.
Lawyer : Was this a male, or a female?

Lawyer : Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness : All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Lawyer : All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Witness : Oral.

Lawyer : Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Lawyer : And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
Witness : No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Lawyer : Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness : No.
Lawyer : Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness : No.
Lawyer : Did you check for breathing?
Witness : No.
Lawyer : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness : No.
Lawyer : How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Lawyer : But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Witness : Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Can't think why lawyers get such huge fees !!
 
paddys wife says she wants a rape alarm.
so the next morning, he covers her mouth, holds her down and fux her up the aris and whispers 'its time to get up luv'
 
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact . . .

"Marion ... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course .. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have s**e**x a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob you must be in Heaven!"

"Not exactly ... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Shirehampton."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
PS: I've been asked where I get the jokes that I post. All of them come from mrs. timsk who, in turn, gets them from her girlfriends.
 
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