Best Thread Joke of the day

You are driving at a constant speed.

On your left is a sheer vertical drop, on your right is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig, the same size as your car so you cannot overtake it.

Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level also travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get the f*ck off the merry-go-round you p1ssed up twa*t.
 

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Golf!

A man staggers into a hospital with concussion,multiple bruises,two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
The Doctor asks,"What the hell happend to you".
Man replies,Well I was playing Golf with the wife when we sliced our golf balls into a field of cows.I found one stuck in a cows fanny,so I yelled to my wife "this one looks like yours",I don't remember much after that....
 
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the Captain announced:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and . . . OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed!

Some moments later the Captain came back on the PA:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

To which one Irish passenger yelled: "jezis', you should see the back of mine!"
 
An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He
immediately dials 999.

Irishman: ''It's my wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've killed her!''

Operator: ''Please calm down Sir, can you first make sure she is
actually dead!''







*click* *BANG! *

Irishman: ''Okay, done that. What next?'
 
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This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.


He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.

She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.


The years went by and he continued to rip them out.. Then one christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic foot steps as he ran into the bath room.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, 'honey you were right.' 'all these years you have warned me and i didn't listen to you.'

'what do you mean?' asked his wife.

'well, you always told me that one day i would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.

'but by the grace of god, with some vaseline and two fingers. I think i got most of them back in
 
A LOVE STORY
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At around 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,...... 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!....... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .........'Get your own ****ing blanket.'




After a moment of silence, .............he farted.

The End.
 
Pisa airport - presumably?

Seen on Sky's webpage:

12:56pm UK, Friday October 30, 2009
Union Launches BA High Court Challenge
Ed Merrison, Sky News Online

Unite has launched a legal challenge against British Airways' plans to impose new pay and conditions on 14,000 cabin crew.


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