Best Thread Joke of the day

Gumping, for the record, I reported your post that was removed. I have no idea if anyone else did, but that's largely irrelevant. It’s a great pub joke with mates with whom you are comfortable with that sort of humour.

You presumably wouldn’t tell this joke in person to your mother or your sister or just anyone else who happened to be around, I imagine you’d use the appropriate degree of discretion. Same applies here.

Hope I haven’t ruffled your feathers, but I thought you’d prefer to know who and why and I’d rather come straight out and say so publicly. No offence to you intended.
 
TheBramble said:
Gumping, for the record, I reported your post that was removed. I have no idea if anyone else did, but that's largely irrelevant. It’s a great pub joke with mates with whom you are comfortable with that sort of humour.

You presumably wouldn’t tell this joke in person to your mother or your sister or just anyone else who happened to be around, I imagine you’d use the appropriate degree of discretion. Same applies here.

Hope I haven’t ruffled your feathers, but I thought you’d prefer to know who and why and I’d rather come straight out and say so publicly. No offence to you intended.
Click to expand...

:LOL: None taken. I only posted it for the lulz anyway.
 
FOR SALE - GREAT PRICE ALMOST A GIVEAWAY!!!!!

AUSTRALIAN MANUFACTURED CABINET FOR SALE

Cabinet for Sale - details below

.Fine timber details
.4 leadlight options
.4 side access doors (there is maximum frontal display)
.Adjustable shelves are extra deep to accommodate large items
.Halogen down lights
.Mirror back with glass shelves provide max illumination of collectables from top to bottom.


To give indication of size of the Cabinet it previously held the following:

.Rugby League World Cup
.Rugby Union World Cup
.International Rules Trophy
.Tri Nations Trophy
.Super-12 Trophy
.Trans-Tasman Touch Football Trophy
.Davis Cup
.Hockey World Championship Trophy
.Various Cricket Trophy's
.The Ashes

plus the
.Bledisloe Cup.
.2008-2009 SA / Aust Cricket Tests
.2009 SA/Australia One Day Series

All these trophies are now overseas and the Cabinet is excess to requirements.

To make an offer call R. Stuart, R. Ponting, S Mortlock or P. Fitzsimons who once commented "...the Australian Cabinet is groaning under the weight of all the trophies!"

They can be contacted on: 1800-LOST-THE-LOT


dd
 
While we're on the subject....

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for Six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet, replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.

"For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot."

"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America.

North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?"

"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a smallish land mass and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah" said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super- human, undefeatable, strong in character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the buggers I'm putting next to them"
 
A passenger plane traveling to California is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean.

The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive. After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores.

Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on.

Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is...its Kylie Minogue!

Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love. One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face. She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong. "Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feeling there's something missing."

Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do anything".
"Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"
"OK"
"And my trousers?"
"OK"

At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips. "OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way."

"OK dear, whatever will make you happy?"

So off they set. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:

"Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging'!!
 
The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch.

However when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.

Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance: "hello - is anyone there. Can anyone hear me".

A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine:

" Australia will win the Rugby World Cup"

"Thank god" said Snow White "at least Dopey's still alive"
 
My Favourite

Two Aussie cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar.

One asked, "What are you up to, Mate?"

Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."

"Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?"

"Ah, probably the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."
 
TheBramble said:
The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch.

However when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.

Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance: "hello - is anyone there. Can anyone hear me".

A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine:

" Australia will win the Rugby World Cup"

"Thank god" said Snow White "at least Dopey's still alive"
Click to expand...

Hey this is just what I was looking for Bram (y)

Next time Liverpool lose a game I can sub in Liverpool and the Premiership and send it off to my scouse mate :cheesy:

dd
 
All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain,
"Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."


"I should be in charge," said the blood ,
"because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."



"I should be in charge," said the stomach ,
"because I process food and give all of you energy."


"I should be in charge," said the legs,
"because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."


"I should be in charge," said the eyes,
"Because I allow the body to see where it goes."


"I should be in charge," said the rectum,
"Because I'm responsible for waste removal.."


All the other body parts laughed at the rectum :LOL: :p:clap::LOL:
and insulted him (n)

so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days,

the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
and the blood was toxic.

They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. :(:eek:

The Moral of the story?

The ass hole is usually the one in charge !
 
Hey I've got another non-denominational, inoffensive, extremely hilarious joke for you all:

Q: What do you get when you combine nothing with some tomatoes?
A: NO TOMATOES!!!!! :clap::clap::clap:
 
Q. What do you get if you cross a policeman with a leopard ?

A, Spotted dick
 
A Frenchman in Paris asks one tourist:

- Do you want to hear one funny story about stupid Americans?

- Hey, guy, I'M AMERICAN!

- No problems, I can tell this story twice, if you don't understand at first.
 
Two Dyslexics working in a kitchen. The first say's "Can you smell Gas?" The second replies "I can't even smell my own name!!"
 
A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a hacksaw. He sees another man on the 1st floor, and yells down to him, but the other guy can't hear the instruction, so he motions for the man on the 3rd floor to do sign language. The guy who needs the saw, points at his eye meaning "I". He then points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw-cutting motion. The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating. The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says," What the heck is wrong with you? I said, “I need a saw!!" The other guy says, "I knew that, I was just trying to tell you that I'm coming
 
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