Best Thread Joke of the day

[Technically Fundamental]

I wish I hadn't laughed at that GJ.

 

[GammaJammer]

Bollox - it's a gem and you know it mate....

 

[tenbobtrader]

 

[squall321]

what do you call a cow with two legs?

eileen

 

[tenbobtrader]

A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on board, bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and the driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time. He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an Irish lorry driver pulls over.

"Where they going?" asks the Irish chap.

"Do us a favor mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me" says the driver, "and here's a hundred quid for your troubles."

"Happy days," says the Irish fella, loads the monkeys onto his truck and gets on his way.

The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the motorway, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him down again.

"What are you playing at," he fumes, "I told you to take them to Chester Zoo!"

"I did," says the bemused Irish fella, "

but there is still fifty quid left so now we're going to Alton Towers ."

later

Andy

 

[HawkTrader]

:clap:

Ahahaa, and the one above! "We're going to Alton Towers!"

 

[Technically Fundamental]

Two mexicans are stuck in he desert,wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden…….. “Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon I ahm sure of eet.” “Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee”.
So with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There’s raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon……every imaginable kind of cured pig meat. “Pepe, Pepe we ees saved! Eet is a Bacon Tree!” “Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage?”We ees in the desert don’t forget.” “Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon…..ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree”.
And with that ……. Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 feet, with Pepe close behind, when all of a sudden a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
“Pepe….go back man, you was right….ees not a bacon tree.” “Luis, Luis, mi amigo…….what ees it?” “Pepe……ees not a bacon tree…… ees
ees
ees
ees
ees
ees
ees a HAM BUSH!.”

 

[kaciara]

I left my phone at home this morning.

I've went home at lunchtime to pick it up and noticed my wife had sent me a text at 9:38am saying:

"Yo k, you've left your phone in the kitchen"

 

[tenbobtrader]

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a pub in the middle of no where, he parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the door, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: £2.50

HAMBURGER : £2.75

CHEESEBURGER: £3.00

CHICKEN SANDWICH: £3.50

HAND JOB: £50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she enquires with a wide, knowing smile, "how may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one gives the hand jobs?"

She looks into the ole bikers eyes with that wide smile on her face and purrs "Why yes, I sure am".

The ole biker leans even closer and into her left ear whispers softly.

"Well, you wash your hands real good cause I want a Cheesburger".

 

[tenbobtrader]

Date-Rape-Drug

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called ' Beer ' .

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless

against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship' . In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this ' Beer ' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.

 

[Gumping]

Hey, who deleted my last joke? Was it the same person who deleted the one about putting a baby in a blender?

 

[Technically Fundamental]

Hey, who deleted my last joke? Was it the same person who deleted the one about putting a baby in a blender?

some people are too conservative and cant appreciate shock humour

 

[kaciara]

a crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a pub in the middle of no where, he parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the door, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

cold beer: £2.50

hamburger : £2.75

cheeseburger: £3.00

chicken sandwich: £3.50

hand job: £50.00

checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"yes?" she enquires with a wide, knowing smile, "how may i help you?"

the ole biker leans over the bar, "i was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one gives the hand jobs?"

she looks into the ole bikers eyes with that wide smile on her face and purrs "why yes, i sure am".

The ole biker leans even closer and into her left ear whispers softly.

"well, you wash your hands real good cause i want a cheesburger".

:d :d

 

[Gumping]

some people are too conservative and cant appreciate shock humour

Indeed you are correct old boy!

OK here's a PC joke:

Q: What do you get when you cross Technically Fundamental and a man-eating dinosaur?
A: A Tradersaurus

There we go, that one's back with the agenda. And this old dog hasn't lost his touch at coming up with hilarious jokes!

 

[Gumping]

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a pub in the middle of no where, he parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the door, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: £2.50

HAMBURGER : £2.75

CHEESEBURGER: £3.00

CHICKEN SANDWICH: £3.50

HAND JOB: £50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she enquires with a wide, knowing smile, "how may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one gives the hand jobs?"

She looks into the ole bikers eyes with that wide smile on her face and purrs "Why yes, I sure am".

The ole biker leans even closer and into her left ear whispers softly.

"Well, you wash your hands real good cause I want a Cheesburger".

Sorry but this is sexist and offensive

 

[Gumping]

A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on board, bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and the driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time. He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an Irish lorry driver pulls over.

"Where they going?" asks the Irish chap.

"Do us a favor mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me" says the driver, "and here's a hundred quid for your troubles."

"Happy days," says the Irish fella, loads the monkeys onto his truck and gets on his way.

The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the motorway, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him down again.

"What are you playing at," he fumes, "I told you to take them to Chester Zoo!"

"I did," says the bemused Irish fella, "

but there is still fifty quid left so now we're going to Alton Towers ."

later

Andy

.....And this is racist

 

[Gumping]

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called ' Beer ' .

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless

against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship' . In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this ' Beer ' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.

In fact I think Tenbotrader is a hotbed of bigotry and prejudice and should be burnt at the stake.

 

[Technically Fundamental]

Your joke was as funny as a fritzl family reunion

 

[Gumping]

Your joke was as funny as a fritzl family reunion

Yes, but this is nothing to do with my joke - it's simply because your sense of humour is as diverse as the Fritzl family gene pool.

 

[Technically Fundamental]

I'll have you know that I have a finely tuned sense of humour that as diverse as all the species that dwell within the Serengeti plains.