An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on the news that
there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!" It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, There's hundreds of them!"
there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!" It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, There's hundreds of them!"
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked
to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him
that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the
boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said
to his manager, "Some tosser wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he
finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind
him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other
half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the
manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here.
Where are you from, son ?" "Essex, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you
leave Essex ?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but
whores and football players live there." "Oh ?" said the manager, "My wife's from Essex." The boy replied, "Really? Who does she play for?"
to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him
that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the
boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said
to his manager, "Some tosser wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he
finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind
him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other
half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the
manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here.
Where are you from, son ?" "Essex, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you
leave Essex ?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but
whores and football players live there." "Oh ?" said the manager, "My wife's from Essex." The boy replied, "Really? Who does she play for?"
thousands but you have probably heard them all.
A rather confident man walks into an Essex bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies, 'I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'
'It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,' he explains.
'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...'
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!'
The man explains, 'Damn thing must be an hour fast.'
A rather confident man walks into an Essex bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies, 'I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'
'It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,' he explains.
'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...'
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!'
The man explains, 'Damn thing must be an hour fast.'
wish somebody would tell the market to move one way or
the other.
meanwhile
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted
a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage
that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should
tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of
prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had
to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the
bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and
said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but
then thought "that's not so bad."
When her two tennage daughters returned from school
the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but
then began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work
.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."
the other.
meanwhile
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted
a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage
that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should
tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of
prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had
to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the
bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and
said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but
then thought "that's not so bad."
When her two tennage daughters returned from school
the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but
then began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work
.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."
