my journal 3

The american democracy has expired and it's gone bad. You cannot trust it anymore. The news doesn't inform the public, the government agencies do not defend the people, it's all bought and paid for by the corporations. You have to inform yourself and cannot rely on the government to look after your interests anymore.

I'm in Italy and it's a lot better here, but we've got chemtrails, too, and are screwed by our own corruption, which is well-publicized on the newspapers and by the US corruption, which no one dares to denounce. When you do, you often get killed.
 
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Man... one week of range on ZN, really disappointing.

Anyway, I am now approaching 12k of capital, and this is the time when I screw up. The most I've reached this year is 13k. Then I screwed up.

I smoked pot yesterday but it didn't do much, so I should buy good pot, because that's what keeps me relaxed, and in turn keeps me from trading. But I won't find it, so I might be better off getting drunk in the next few days. I never bought any drugs in my life, not because of the police but because it's too complicated to find pushers.

...

There's this online course (on a new platform we have) i had to take today for the bank. The time required according to them is 5 hours. No one who works seriously will have that time to complete it within the 15 days allowed. No one slacking off (the majority of my colleagues) will have the energy to complete it. Here's what I did, as always: clicked "next" on all the lessons, went to the tests, took all of them and understood from the phrasing the correct answers, passed all the tests, and then i'll learn instinctively from the platform or use the manual when i need it.

Usually what happens is that my colleagues come to me to ask me the correct answers, because you're required to pass all the tests, and there's no way for them to ever complete this requirement. They're computer illiterate, lazy, ignorant, stupid... crazy office. But then they get promoted because I don't know why, and I never get promoted. They're social, they go to coffee breaks with the bosses... they smile... all useless things, wastes of time. If that's what it takes, I am not going to get promoted. I want to be promoted because my work gets rewarded. Not my kissing up.

Yeah, I don't want to be part of this crap. If they do things wrongly, I do not want to be one of them. Better to be right alone, than wrong together. And since people generally, at least in my environment, conform to things being done wrongly, I opt for being alone from the start. And if they seek me out, they know it has to be for a good reason, and not for screwing around. My door is permanently shut. I don't need company from them. I am here to work.
 
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Illuminati History
They own everything. Banks, oil, media, stock markets, military, intelligence community, presidents, governments – the lot. If they want something to happen, it will. And not only will it happen, but it will happen on schedule, at a predetermined point in time. Their plan: Complete domination of you. The New World Order. It’s a plan to control the world under one-world government, with them at the top. And this also includes a one-world army, police, judiciary, currency and religion. Think Big Brother 1984. It would be a global, totalitarian state communism in full effect. You will earn your right to live. New World Order citizens will have to contribute to society. Don’t have a job? You’ll be given a job in one of their nice work camps, the ones with watchtowers and machine guns. Still can’t make a contribution? Well, maybe you’re a career criminal or you’re psychologically unbalanced, or just refuse to play along. Then say goodbye. They’ll chop off your head and use your organs to keep the people who do contribute alive. You think that couldn’t happen? Someone’s got plans for us. There are U.S. patents for mind control devices. There are chem-trails all over the Western world. Tracking devices linked to the GPS network will let them know exactly where you are at any given time...
Click to expand...
 
A lot of photocopying today.

I guess I feel kind of humbled by being given this work, but I can flip it all around and take advantage of the situation. I don't have to respond to anyone on the quality of my photocopying. It seems that I've been going backwards with this boss. I started with being in charge of the whole office and now I am in charge of photocopying, but: but I am being useful and that's what I care about.

Of course once again there's no meritocracy, but: but I have a clean conscience.

I feel ok.

I feel ok about photocopying. Now on to the other tasks, which are less stupid... but if smart people are being given stupid tasks, it's no wonder why things are going so wrong here: the stupid people are being given the tasks that require intelligence. Hey, that's what happens when people are promoted based on their participating in coffee breaks with the boss.
 
Automation!

Automation can be heaven and it can be hell... my NG overnight trade was making 1000 dollars and in two hours it lost it all, and ended with a loss of 150 dollars. Technically everything went fine. Emotionally I am very mad. Because I have time exits. I'm going to need mcdonald's or beer or both, because this is when I engage in revenge trading. I am so pissed off.

I am so so mad. My systems are better than me in some aspects and worse than me in others. Overall they're much better than me, because I have a tendency to blow out my accounts. But had i been home, I would not have missed out on all this profit. I would have tampered and saved some of the profit.

esigchartspon.png
 
Ok, back home, and i still have many hours to go before the markets close and I have avoided the danger of revenge trading. This morning I had 1000 dollars and now they're all gone because the time exits my systems use didn't see that it was coming down (cfr previous chart).

Now I am listening to hotel california by the eagles and I should be getting high, but my pot isn't dry. But I'll still try, because it's better to smoke fresh cannabis than to blow out my account.

Hotel California - The Eagles [Subtitulado] - YouTube

Yeah. I am not guilty of anything: I've let the systems run, unattended. Everything technically worked. Statistically nothing went wrong. I saw profit and saw it vaporize. It feels bad, but there was no mistakes, no guilt therefore. I need to smoke more and enjoy capital, while it lasts. I have capital to trade, for a change, so let's not blow it out. Damn!

It's 5 pm. Only 5 more hours to go.

...

Yeah, I started... I am starting to get hungry. I didn't go to mcdonald's, so I'll allow myself to drink some milk with nesquik as well.

The Doors - Riders On The Storm (ORIGINAL!) - driving with Jim - YouTube

Aerosmith - Dream On Official Music Video - YouTube

Yep.

6 pm and no discretionary revenge trades placed yet.

The problem is that the systems placed a short NG, which is making me lose further. Lost some on the overnight long trade, lost some on the intraday short trade... it really sucks.

I feel like recovering some of these losses. This is the hardest part of automated trading.

I broke a bottle of hemp seed oil, and it took me over half an hour to clean it up. My fault because I hadn't realized how the refrigerator, the small one i bought, was built. If you do not open very slowly and carefully a bottle could fall out. It sucks. My fault that i hadn't noticed.

I am tired of saying "my fault". I have said today a couple of times at work, when it wasn't. You try to make it easy for others. "Sorry" and "my fault" don't cost me anything so i use them more often than it's the case. Plus, with an idiot boss, since it's always his fault, you try to help him out by pretending that sometimes it's not his fault if something goes wrong - provided he doesn't abuse my kindness and yells at me like a month ago.

I have bet everything i had on my trading, and it's - once again - my fault that i am still working at the office with these animals. If I had done things right I would not be there anymore. So I have to pay for my sins, by meeting idiots every day, and being kind to them, despite being disrespected by them sometimes, because I know that they're disrespecting out of stupidity and i want to get their respect politely and without offending them. Besides, i don't want to make enemies unless it's clearly necessary and...

I am surrounded by people who love me but bother me. People who like me but bother me. People who fear me and bother me. People who appreciate me and bother me... everyone bothers me, even those not meaning any harm. That's why i have to be extra careful when i retaliate and defend myself: because they might have hurt me by mistake, being so stupid. Yet, being extra careful also means sometimes being slow. Usually i know i overreact and am oversensitive, so it's a good thing to force myself to slow down. Yet this means sometimes that I answer the next day. Before i react, I have to really make sure that someone is abusing my rights intentionally.

6.30 pm and I am still free from revenge trading. Capital is now slightly above 10k. Very sad. But if this is all the drawdown I will see, then I can call myself lucky. Considering the withdrawal of 500, i have only seen a drawdown of less than 2000, when the usual drawdown that happens almost once every two months is about 4000. The problem is always the same: we don't know when it will happen so there is no way to avoid it. It's obvious and yet the question keeps reappearing in my mind: how do i stay out during the week of the big drawdown? It's stupid, and yet i keep asking myself that question. That's how attached i am to my capital. In turn it explains why i often succumbed to revenge trading urges.

...

7 pm. It happened. A small GBL trade short. Looking for just 2 ticks, to make myself feel better.

Russian General Petrov Discusses the US Dollar, 9-11, the Global Mafia, and Collapse - YouTube

Still waiting for my 16 euros. To compensate for a feeling of having missed profit of over 1000.

...

Ouch!

It's almost 8 pm, and not only did i miss 1000 dollars of profit in the last two hours of my NG overnight SHORT trade, but now I am losing 1000 from another NG trade in the opposite direction. The NG resumed its mother ****ing rise but too late for my NG overnight trade to profit from it.

So now I am below 10k of capital. It ****ing sucks. It sucks to be watching this happen, helpless. Basically lost 2000 dollars, thanks to the systems. Couldn't do nothing about it.

This is the type of thing that drives me mad and makes me engage in revenge discretionary trading, which causes me to blow out the account. And i just doubled my short on GBL, recklessly.

Chicago - Hard To Say I'm Sorry (1982) - YouTube

This is me singing to my compulsive gambling. It's just a part of me i can't let go...

...

9 pm

Now losing 200 euros due to compulsive gambling trades...

...

9.40 pm

closing the damn discretionary trades: lost 150 dollars

capital below 10k

...

Yeah, what the heck - i will follow the systems. It's not too late.

At worst i'll get back to the 4k i started with.

Damn.

****.

10k of capital and 3 more weekdays.

What the ****. I could go to 4k in just a week.

But who says I have to be unlucky.

I just want to get some money from my week-long ZN trade. It's been sitting on the 133 range for a week. It's time to get some profit from this trade. Then I'll be done.

The Doors - People are Strange - YouTube
 
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very sad... still

sad about... probability going against me. that's all i can say: not sad about humans, not sad about myself, not sad about anything: sad about probability playing against me.

I should be satisfied to have played by the rules, and instead I am sad.

I am happy about probability and automation only when it works - when it fails to produce profit, I can't stand it. It destabilizes me. After losses happen, the fear of more automated losses makes me often abandon automation and i blow out my account with discretionary trading.

Now I am at 10k of capital. Let's see what happens in my mind in the next few days. Today as expected i did place a compulsive discretionary trade, that didn't have any edge in its favor.
 
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Ok, listen everyone.

Since everyone cares so much about my progress, by now, after months and years of this crap of up and down, fund account, triple account, blow out account... since we all want to find out if the systems, untampered with, can produce profit and bring me some success, i will make a pledge or promise or whatever it's called.

In the next few days, I will come home, get changed, and go out to the movies every day for hours and hours. Just because it will be that hard to not tamper with the systems. I know it for a fact, as it was proven today.

I will go to the movies tomorrow, which is wednesday, thursday, and friday. By then, I will probably be above 12k or below 8k. Then I might need to go to the movies all next week, too.

But for starters, i promise i will do it in the next 3 days. I absolutely need to do this. Or else i will blow out the account out of the sheer pressure i am feeling from the systems losing money.
 
Yeah, ok. So, today the plan is to go to the movies even before I get home, provided there's any movies to see - if there are no movies then I'll go home and get changed. I also inserted a LMT order to close the ZN where I entered it, so to be rid of any discretionary trading. And to free up some margin, too.
 
Roommate's back. I'm going to try and handle him with respect and keep him at a distance at once. For example, today he brought back some cookies and he insists that i eat one, but 1) I don't like to feel forced to eat things by anyone and 2) I don't know what's in the cookies so I don't think it's safe to eat them and 3) I don't eat cookies due to my raw vegan diet. So I am not going to eat any cookies - regardless of how much he insists and he's already asked me three times. This guy is too... the dictionary says pushy/intrusive. He doesn't keep distances basically. The problem here at the office is that many people, most people even, are rude/impolite/uncivilized - according to my standards. I am stuck with these people because i didn't become a general, or even more. I am stuck with people and in a place where I don't belong at all - I don't know exactly where the people I belong with are, because i complain all the time about almost everyone, but probably such people are all vegans, and teaching in the philosophy department in some college in the US. I belong in the philosophy faculty of a US college. Probably Berkeley.
 
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