Yamato
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Ouch!
I failed.
My emotional control totally failed.
She came to me, correcting me about something, and saying "you only do this, so do it right", or something close to it. More polite, longer, but that was her point. Deliberately insulting me.
And I said "what? I only do this...?".
She said "and other things..."
I said "... and a long list of other things...".
But it was too late. I was feeling deeply insulted. I pondered for a few minutes. Is this how I get rewarded for all my work, working much harder and much better than everyone else? By seeing my work belittled?
So first I went for a "coffee break", which I never do, unlike all the other colleagues. I bought a slice of pizza.
After half an hour I came back, and my colleague asked me if everything was OK. I said "yeah, but I feel like going for another break".
Then I went for another break. And bought some water. And brushed my teeth.
Then I came back from the second break, and after 5 minutes, I got up and came home.
Ah ah, that was excellent.
Yeah, I guess it was totally emotional, and totally against my rules, but maybe it will nonetheless work.
Needless to say: I demand respect.
I don't get promoted, I don't get bonuses, but I did get nice words and was praised, always. Not only that, but recently the boss caused me a nervous breakdown with her excessive and foolish requests. Which, allegedly for her were easy, but I was the only one who could do them, and no one else ever attempted to do them. This is a constant event: the boss pretending that what I do easy, but then no one else can do it.
If, in a situation like this, you also take the praising away from me, and on top of not rewarding me financially, you now begin to treat me like an idiot and begin to pretend that I don't work, then it is just too much for me to take.
There is no way I am going to accept something like this. This is just too unfair. I know I am right and I know I can win this one. I am just too right to lose on this one.
I am not dealing with the BUND but with people, so yeah, this confidence is what screwed me with the BUND, but it won't happen with people. Because you can affect people with your behavior and attitude, whereas you cannot affect the BUND, and you can appeal to their sense of justice, whereas the BUND has no sense of justice.
...
Nonetheless this was a major test that I failed. I failed first of all by feeling those emotions. Then I failed to control them. Then I failed, at the last ESESA phase, to stop all further actions, and instead took action based on my vengeful emotions (although I didn't kill her, so even in my emotional action there was some reasoning). I didn't even think of the relaxation techniques. I immediately got to work with avenging the injustice suffered.
This is exactly what screwed me with the BUND. It doesn't matter if my behavior will work or not (in getting me respect). I took it personally and stopped reasoning.
I am thinking that maybe in my head there is a baggage of just too many injustices, that I put up with during my entire life, for me to be able to bear even just one more. Maybe that is why I am so temperamental and emotional.
I wish I had reasoned about it, but my action was entirely dictated by emotions. I am still in the grip of emotions right now, as I write.
Even now I am thinking of a way, a gigantic way, to get back at her. What could I do?
Be sick all next week? Take a week off?
Start yelling at her in front of everyone?
An important factor in this situation is that my buddy the taxi driver who picks me up, comes every morning at 7.30 am, so it is not practical to cancel it, by texting him or calling him an hour earlier.
At the same time, if my boss keeps insulting me, it will be hard to not react emotionally. I am still not advanced, not that advanced in my ESESA methodology.
This test is as big as the BUND. As serious as the BUND going above 150 and proving me wrong all those times I had called a top (starting at 144).
We'll see.
No matter what happens, I will not quit my job, and I will not kill myself. They will have to fire me and kill me. I will keep playing my game as long as I can.
Another thing that I am sure about is that if she keeps acting this offensively to me, I won't even say "hi" to her from now on. Once I am certain that she means to offend me, I will no longer say "hi" and "bye".
I am very close to it. By doing what I did today, I have told her that I have been offended. It's pretty clear.
If she threatens to report me for leaving work without providing justifications, then I will know that she is in bad faith. If she acts nicely, then I will know she is just a stupid bitch, so stupid as to not realize that she offends me when she talks that way and belittles the amount of work I do.
It's either of these two: extremely stupid or extremely mean.
Usually they turn out to be extremely stupid and I turn out to have been extremely touchy.
Whichever one she turns out to be, I will change, because, whereas she spent 2 years complimenting every day for how much and how well I worked, now it is unequivocal that she is not doing it anymore.
So, whether she's doing it on purpose, to spite me, or whether she really thinks, mistakenly, that I am not working that much, she is a bitch to me, and I will treat her coldly and not appreciate her any longer. I don't appreciate anyone who doesn't appreciate me. From now on, I will be expecting her to act like a bitch. The only question is if she's a stupid bitch or an evil bitch. She doesn't see my work, and then she's stupid. Or she pretends she doesn't see it, and then she's mean.
---
Hours later, I am thinking this. I am getting myself into a huge mess for what? For one sentence? The boss... ah ah?!
Ridiculous. I built a castle of revenge on one grain of uncomfortable sand in my shoe. Oh, wow. I am so behind in learning rationality and lack of emotions. This is amazing. She said what she said, but so what? I have to see what's in it for me, from one line of action and from the other. This is bull****. I took things too personally. ****ing idiot I've been. She's a bitch, and I'll be aware of it from now on, of how she can bite and offend people, but this doesn't mean I should be hurt. She means to offend me and disrespect me, but it's up to me what my reaction will be. As I said, I may decide to kill her, but not out of emotionally polluted reasoning. And today's reasoning was totally polluted.
Now that the temperature of my mind is decreasing, I am seeing things more clearly and this that my boss is giving me is a good, an excellent opportunity to practice emotional control.
I thought I was faced with "just" 1) someone treating me like an idiot. For that ATM incident (she asked me for crazy calculations from two different databases, with different timeframes and fields, and, coupled with other problems, caused me a nervous breakdown, from which I still haven't recovered)
Until 3 days ago, I thought I was only faced with that one problem (that we both considered each other an idiot) when, 3 days ago, it turned out that I was also faced with 2) someone who thought I could work more and who wanted to overload me with work, when the others are joking around all day long.
Today I found out I am dealing with someone who thinks that I am not working that much, or pretends to think that.
I now have three great opportunities to keep my self-control in the face of adversity, instead of saying "the hell with everything", get up and go home.
Today I walked home, two hours early. I hope I will be able to refrain from doing the same thing next Monday. I don't see much more that she can do to make me lose my temper. Now I am prepared for these things.
She spent 2 years telling me how great I was, like a couple of other bitches at the same office, and now, like one other bitch, she is taking it all back.
No big deal, i guess. I guess I was spoiled.
Let's get back to work, on my emotional control. This is a great opportunity.
What I did today felt great, and it was unprofitable.
It felt great just like I felt great by doubling up on the BUND. Until I brought my account from 47k to 2k. I felt great all the way to 20k. I felt I was going to make it all back, plus more. Then, once I was below 20k, I kept doing it, but it didn't feel that good anymore. Getting back at the BUND.
At the office, you can't really see your capital increase or decrease that clearly. Maybe I've been causing my office capital to blow out repeatedly, without even knowing it.
On the other hand, with trading there's some element of chance, whereas in life, it's... maybe in life there is just as much chance. Or rather, humans are more predictable, but... I'll leave it as an open question, whether a human, even just one human, is more predictable than the a given stock/future/index.
I failed.
My emotional control totally failed.
She came to me, correcting me about something, and saying "you only do this, so do it right", or something close to it. More polite, longer, but that was her point. Deliberately insulting me.
And I said "what? I only do this...?".
She said "and other things..."
I said "... and a long list of other things...".
But it was too late. I was feeling deeply insulted. I pondered for a few minutes. Is this how I get rewarded for all my work, working much harder and much better than everyone else? By seeing my work belittled?
So first I went for a "coffee break", which I never do, unlike all the other colleagues. I bought a slice of pizza.
After half an hour I came back, and my colleague asked me if everything was OK. I said "yeah, but I feel like going for another break".
Then I went for another break. And bought some water. And brushed my teeth.
Then I came back from the second break, and after 5 minutes, I got up and came home.
Ah ah, that was excellent.
Yeah, I guess it was totally emotional, and totally against my rules, but maybe it will nonetheless work.
Needless to say: I demand respect.
I don't get promoted, I don't get bonuses, but I did get nice words and was praised, always. Not only that, but recently the boss caused me a nervous breakdown with her excessive and foolish requests. Which, allegedly for her were easy, but I was the only one who could do them, and no one else ever attempted to do them. This is a constant event: the boss pretending that what I do easy, but then no one else can do it.
If, in a situation like this, you also take the praising away from me, and on top of not rewarding me financially, you now begin to treat me like an idiot and begin to pretend that I don't work, then it is just too much for me to take.
There is no way I am going to accept something like this. This is just too unfair. I know I am right and I know I can win this one. I am just too right to lose on this one.
I am not dealing with the BUND but with people, so yeah, this confidence is what screwed me with the BUND, but it won't happen with people. Because you can affect people with your behavior and attitude, whereas you cannot affect the BUND, and you can appeal to their sense of justice, whereas the BUND has no sense of justice.
...
Nonetheless this was a major test that I failed. I failed first of all by feeling those emotions. Then I failed to control them. Then I failed, at the last ESESA phase, to stop all further actions, and instead took action based on my vengeful emotions (although I didn't kill her, so even in my emotional action there was some reasoning). I didn't even think of the relaxation techniques. I immediately got to work with avenging the injustice suffered.
This is exactly what screwed me with the BUND. It doesn't matter if my behavior will work or not (in getting me respect). I took it personally and stopped reasoning.
I am thinking that maybe in my head there is a baggage of just too many injustices, that I put up with during my entire life, for me to be able to bear even just one more. Maybe that is why I am so temperamental and emotional.
I wish I had reasoned about it, but my action was entirely dictated by emotions. I am still in the grip of emotions right now, as I write.
Even now I am thinking of a way, a gigantic way, to get back at her. What could I do?
Be sick all next week? Take a week off?
Start yelling at her in front of everyone?
An important factor in this situation is that my buddy the taxi driver who picks me up, comes every morning at 7.30 am, so it is not practical to cancel it, by texting him or calling him an hour earlier.
At the same time, if my boss keeps insulting me, it will be hard to not react emotionally. I am still not advanced, not that advanced in my ESESA methodology.
This test is as big as the BUND. As serious as the BUND going above 150 and proving me wrong all those times I had called a top (starting at 144).
We'll see.
No matter what happens, I will not quit my job, and I will not kill myself. They will have to fire me and kill me. I will keep playing my game as long as I can.
Another thing that I am sure about is that if she keeps acting this offensively to me, I won't even say "hi" to her from now on. Once I am certain that she means to offend me, I will no longer say "hi" and "bye".
I am very close to it. By doing what I did today, I have told her that I have been offended. It's pretty clear.
If she threatens to report me for leaving work without providing justifications, then I will know that she is in bad faith. If she acts nicely, then I will know she is just a stupid bitch, so stupid as to not realize that she offends me when she talks that way and belittles the amount of work I do.
It's either of these two: extremely stupid or extremely mean.
Usually they turn out to be extremely stupid and I turn out to have been extremely touchy.
Whichever one she turns out to be, I will change, because, whereas she spent 2 years complimenting every day for how much and how well I worked, now it is unequivocal that she is not doing it anymore.
So, whether she's doing it on purpose, to spite me, or whether she really thinks, mistakenly, that I am not working that much, she is a bitch to me, and I will treat her coldly and not appreciate her any longer. I don't appreciate anyone who doesn't appreciate me. From now on, I will be expecting her to act like a bitch. The only question is if she's a stupid bitch or an evil bitch. She doesn't see my work, and then she's stupid. Or she pretends she doesn't see it, and then she's mean.
---
Hours later, I am thinking this. I am getting myself into a huge mess for what? For one sentence? The boss... ah ah?!
Ridiculous. I built a castle of revenge on one grain of uncomfortable sand in my shoe. Oh, wow. I am so behind in learning rationality and lack of emotions. This is amazing. She said what she said, but so what? I have to see what's in it for me, from one line of action and from the other. This is bull****. I took things too personally. ****ing idiot I've been. She's a bitch, and I'll be aware of it from now on, of how she can bite and offend people, but this doesn't mean I should be hurt. She means to offend me and disrespect me, but it's up to me what my reaction will be. As I said, I may decide to kill her, but not out of emotionally polluted reasoning. And today's reasoning was totally polluted.
Now that the temperature of my mind is decreasing, I am seeing things more clearly and this that my boss is giving me is a good, an excellent opportunity to practice emotional control.
I thought I was faced with "just" 1) someone treating me like an idiot. For that ATM incident (she asked me for crazy calculations from two different databases, with different timeframes and fields, and, coupled with other problems, caused me a nervous breakdown, from which I still haven't recovered)
Until 3 days ago, I thought I was only faced with that one problem (that we both considered each other an idiot) when, 3 days ago, it turned out that I was also faced with 2) someone who thought I could work more and who wanted to overload me with work, when the others are joking around all day long.
Today I found out I am dealing with someone who thinks that I am not working that much, or pretends to think that.
I now have three great opportunities to keep my self-control in the face of adversity, instead of saying "the hell with everything", get up and go home.
Today I walked home, two hours early. I hope I will be able to refrain from doing the same thing next Monday. I don't see much more that she can do to make me lose my temper. Now I am prepared for these things.
She spent 2 years telling me how great I was, like a couple of other bitches at the same office, and now, like one other bitch, she is taking it all back.
No big deal, i guess. I guess I was spoiled.
Let's get back to work, on my emotional control. This is a great opportunity.
What I did today felt great, and it was unprofitable.
It felt great just like I felt great by doubling up on the BUND. Until I brought my account from 47k to 2k. I felt great all the way to 20k. I felt I was going to make it all back, plus more. Then, once I was below 20k, I kept doing it, but it didn't feel that good anymore. Getting back at the BUND.
At the office, you can't really see your capital increase or decrease that clearly. Maybe I've been causing my office capital to blow out repeatedly, without even knowing it.
On the other hand, with trading there's some element of chance, whereas in life, it's... maybe in life there is just as much chance. Or rather, humans are more predictable, but... I'll leave it as an open question, whether a human, even just one human, is more predictable than the a given stock/future/index.
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