So it was you. Then let me tell you some more, so you can understand the situation better. For you and anyone else who cares.
I am in Rome, at the bank I get paid half of what I would need for rent. How am I going to live on my own.
Secondly, I lived on my own for about 15 years already, mostly overseas. Then I had health problems, tumor, had surgery in my head, and soon after that - after taking a few years off from work - I came to work for a bank in Rome. He was here already, so why should I waste this opportunity.
Now, all my life my dad has demolished my self-confidence. It doesn't matter that he didn't beat me up - it's important how you perceive things. Maybe in another family a dad was beating up two brothers and they came out better than me. They took it better than I took it, being only child. It's not really how objectively you get treated but how you feel you got treated.
I feel I got treated very badly, emotionally. All I got was criticism. Never a good word. Just negativity. He took out all his anxiety and negativity on his family.
So I resent him because I had to study what he manipulated me to make me study, he never helped me achieve my potential, discouraged me from anything I wanted to really do, then later told me I should have rebelled - what an asshole. He never rejoiced for anything good happening in my life. If I told him I was happy about something he usually replied with something to stop me from being happy, because he felt one should not be happy or he'll get some negative surprise: one should always be alert and never celebrate anything. He's total ****ing sick asshole. In my family no birthdays were ever celebrated, just to give you an idea. My mom was always too weak to even side with me. She shows the other cheek - that's her sick philosophy. If one guy gets beaten up, she's sympathise with the guy who beat him up, because he must have had an unhappy childhood. Even if the guy is beating her up. So she always put up with my dad. I am pretty disgusted with her behaviour as well.
On top of this, he had all the power he wanted to actually help me - financially or with his connections - achieve anything, but he didn't. Anything he did, he did to make me go in his direction. You like movies? I don't care: I'll send you on an internship at the European parliament. You like swimming. I don't care: I'll send you to some summer school to learn sailing, or French, or something else.
So certainly I do resent him, and certainly I am not giving up on getting free rent to live under a bridge in order to live my own life.
At once I do exploit him, not feel guilty, and even blame him for all my failures, which he's been pointing out ever since i was a child. He always said I would failed, pointed out my failures and shortcomings constantly, made me totally insecure, and achieved his objective of making me fail. At least now, after the goddamn health problems I had, he could have helped with a decent trading capital. Nope - yes, he gave me some money, a few thousands. But not a big capital, because he is against trading - he says it's immoral. On the other hand he invested his money on his own, on stocks, and lost 30 thousands in like a few months - then never invested again.
That's not all. Any conversation is about him. He doesn't give a **** whatever I think or have to say, and I am lucky if he just talks about some catastrophic event in the world, real or imaginary (like the end of the EURO). Because until recently the conversation was about how great he is and how much me and my mom suck. She's constantly called stupid by him and treated like an idiot, and he's always talked to me with sarcasm until recently. There's enough material to murder the mother ****er. But let's just say that when he wishes me "goodnight", I sleep worse, and would like to reply "**** you" but I can't because I am living in his house.
He's a ****ing asshole, with a military upbringing, a control freak. If he sees a glass which is not at the center of the table, he will tell you or move it in its right place and show how things should be done. He used to fight with my mom for the whole meal about a napkin. He often used to kick us both under the table for something supposedly improper we said, both me and my mom - the rare times we had guests, since the guests were rare due to the house being a mess in his opinion. That moron. You talk to this guy about anything that is on your mind, and he will stare in emptiness, show no reaction, no empathy, making you feel like you are talking to a wall. Then he will resume his lecture about some upcoming world or national catastrophe, that he will help avoid.
I do want to live by myself, but I want to do it right, and not go under a bridge. I need an internet connection and a peaceful place to study my automated systems. Besides, it's not a solution, because as I said, I've been away many years before, and once you've developed a character - whatever it is that I have - it doesn't matter what caused it: you tend to keep it. But yes, you're right, it's easier to change it if you change place, and go to australia for example. However, take Hitler: he must have had a troubled childhood, and then he achieved success. It's not like he became a nice person because all of a sudden he achieved success, right? He just stayed a madman throughout his life. I don't know how to convey what I am thinking, unless you already understood it, more or less. I don't know what kind of an audience I am talking to, not just you, but the others as well. As I said, I already got rid of all the "cool - dude - loser - weird" morons, so I am pretty hopeful I am being understood. Anyway, I've talked enough so I can stop here.
One more thing. You mother ****er. You want to pretend you care about me in front of the relatives at least and in front of me? Then ask me what I want, give me some money, support me for once, and try to make up for all the **** I had to take from you all my life. Give me your money and your blessing for an automated trading career, and give me your blessing to go live in isolation at the house by the beach. But hell no - I have to do things your way again and stay at the bank, because that's the safe thing to do for you. My whole life remote-controlled by you.
