mood at bottom
Actually I didn't get drunk yet, but instead I called my mom, something which I rarely do, because she's not really that good at comforting me.
Usually I call my aunt instead, who always tells me I am right. My mom, if I ever got home and told her that someone beat me up, would try to make me feel sorry for those who beat me because they must have had an unhappy childhood.
But tonight i decided it's time to start calling my mom as well, because my aunt is not enough anymore.
Not only that, I also called an ex-girlfriend, who's also good at comforting me.
Needless to say, I am always thinking about death. Not just my death but everyone's death, but I won't say anything more on this, because it's depressing enough to mention it quickly like this.
Everyone keeps joking around at work, and everywhere else, whereas... I mean it's a wonder if everyone isn't depressed rather than the other way around, whereby if you are depressed they tell you to get cured. Depression should be the rule.
Enough of this, too.
So let's not worry about why I am depressed, because I don't want to make everyone depressed without a need for it, and because i don't want to get more depressed. I will just focus on the symptoms of my sadness and the modality and evolution of it, and that, once again, I will do because it makes me feel better. The fact of documenting my sadness gives me a needed false feeling of being in control. As if I were someone who can stay in control at all times, but it's not the case, but maybe it's the case... anyway it makes me feel better.
I cried for example. I've been wanting to cry for a few days, and given some medical problem i had a few years ago, I can't really cry that much, but this time I cried a little bit. It made me feel better probably, and probably i feel good about writing it here, about having cried.
Unbelievable as it may sound, I did tell my roommate at work about these feelings, and even more unbelievably he didn't react superficially to them. But his wise words made me even more depressed. That's why i said I don't need any feedback on this, because it will make things worse, whether intelligent and wise, or superficial and insulting.
[...]
Anyway. Tomorrow they need me at work, so I'll definitely will get drunk tonight, because I must at all costs manage to get at least 6 hours of sleep, which can be factored as 2 times 3.
I think this experience will change me forever. By experience I mean all these weeks of depression triggered by the Du Sautoy's Story of Maths documentary.
For one thing, during this depression, I am not feeling like writing "mother ****er" about anyone anymore. My hate for people is totally gone. I pretty much feel sorry for everyone right now, but let's drop it here, because as i said, I don't want to dwell any further on this.
As i said, I just want to describe what I am feeling (as always) in order to make myself feel better (as always) by writing it down on the journal.
[...]
After recovering from crying, and smoking a cigarette while crying, I came back here and started writing this post. Now I would like to wrap it up by doing a few math exercises on khanacademy.org. They're getting harder and harder. I've already done about 100 of them, almost all of them without watching any videos.
By now I've built up a lot of confidence with regard to math. At least something good was done, even though... ok, let's not mention it again.
Very tiring/frustrating to write all this, but it made me feel better. Now, if i kept writing, it would make me more depressed. So I have to stop here. Anyone commenting will be banned and I won't read their message.
Oh, something more. One issue here is that I get no moral support, ever, from my family. This all began because of my father being such an asshole/tough guy that there can only be competition in our minds, no time for comforting or anything like that. So, here we are. When I need them the most, I can barely call my mom. And when they need me the most, they can barely speak to me. Such a pity. We had time, we were healthy, but we were indoctrinated by my dad that feelings are a bad thing. For example we never celebrated anyone's birthdays. It's the usual The Great Santini situation, where the father has a military upbringing and instead of saying kind words he insults you. I don't know where this comes from, why this was necessary, but these are the consequences. Consequences such as having to call my aunt to speak about my feelings, and saying to my parents that everything is ok more or less, even today. Actually I said to my mom that I am sad, but nothing more - i mentioned trading as a cause. And if my dad asks me, I will tell him that i am fine.
His dad died in the war, when he was six years old. Ever since then, he's been like this. I remember when i was six, he told me that when he was my age, his dad died. And he's been repeating it to me regularly ever since. That's the kind of emotional abuse I've had to take. That's why I am so angry. But now, I am starting to feel sorry for my dad as well. That's a very bad sign, when you're not mad at anyone anymore. It sounds great, like a happy ending movie, but to me this shows how bad the situation is.
Anyway. Enough of this, now I will need to start pretending I have had a regular day, and pretend I have a regular mind, who can watch tv and root for a soccer team. That's the best way to sleep. Maslow's hierarchy of needs once again. If you're on top of the pyramid, you're just going to jump below from despair. If you're on bottom and are busy getting food and shelter, you won't have any of the concerns higher up.
I guess this is what I achieved by not sleeping well for so many days. I might actually be able to sleep again, after getting so exhausted from looking at the view from the top of the pyramid.
No wonder so many mathematicians were having "mental problems". Being at the top of the pyramid and contemplating the universe is tiring, painful, and can drive you crazy very quickly.
[...]
Miracle. Maybe the forum is now aligned at the center again, even on Internet Explorer.
I might not do any more math for today.
I will go smoke another cigarette. Then most likely I will get drunk.
