Some frustration is devoloping in me, after all this happiness from being here.
I swam all around the island. I spent time with my loving relatives. I had everything my way, for over 10 days.
This is how my childhood was always like: I felt entitled to being happy and privileged. This is due to my relatives, very good ones.
Then came school, and I started meeting dislikable people. My mother wasn't likable either.
Anyway, despite meeting people who didn't think I had the right to be happy and to have a good time, I could never get rid of this feeling that I was lucky, special, privileged, and that i had the right to be special, happy, and loved and liked by everyone.
That's how I have been feeling during this vacation, once again.
But then, even in my life, I only kept friends who allowed me to feel special. Special in the sense that I could say anything I wanted and that I could be as original as I wanted, for example by saying what is on my mind, unlike most people do. I felt "better", and was brought up feeling that I was "better", that my relatives were "better", and hung around people... I only hung around people who felt like me and basically people who valued me and convalidated this idea that i was special. That I was better in every way, or in almost every way. After school, where this attitude was not successful, I found jobs, work place environments, friends, neighbourhoods, where everyone, one way or another, had to allow me to feel and act the way I felt: special and better than everyone else.
So I still feel this way. This feeling of being better and special pervades me. I know i don't share this with everyone, because I hear what people say about themselves, and I can tell they do not have the same point of view. Actually very few people have my point of view.
Anyway. And then I met the markets. And the markets sometimes make me feel, once again, that I am special, that i can predict what will happen, and have my way, but never for too long. Basically the markets do not think I am special at all, and that is shown by the fact that right now I have zero dollars in my bank account and the equity line is at zero.
Every time I feel... feeling "special" is not a safe way to live and to act. It causes you a lot of problems. You would be more alert and realistic, and have an easier life, if you accepted the idea of being "normal".
But that is one idea I could never swallow in my outside life, so I can't digest it in trading either. I am atheist, but I feel there's a god for atheists as well, who believes in them and watches over them, and considers them special.
I can't get rid of this feeling of being special and better, even though I know that it caused me problems in life and in trading. For example, if you feel "better" you cannot engage in any activity at which you do not already excel, which means you either practice when no one is watching you, or you can't do much, unless the others are always worse than you.
Because, being so convinced that you are better, that you are the best, you cannot accept to do anything where other people are better than you.
Such as playing tennis. I could never play tennis, because I never could start playing it in a place where I was the best. Because i didn't start it early enough.
So my feeling special and better is like magical thinking in trading. Irrational behaviour. I agree. I can't get rid of it. Sometimes it resurfaces. Quite often.
After a win, I say to myself "you see? I am special. The gods love me".
But none of this is right. No one is blessed by the gods. The gods do not exist and all around you there's only relatives and parents who have brought you up with such love, that you felt, being an only child, that you were special.
)
