Yeah. After all, you're always lowering your standards, or rather, you're always living with and accepting your limits.
It reminds me of the usual ads I get in the mail. If you want a 13 inch dick or whatever it is, you're going to have to pay for that product that causes penile enlargement. Well, you get my point. You either rob a bank and lower your honesty standards and then get penile enlargement, or you don't rob the bank, and lower your penile standards and live with a shorter dick.
One way or another, your resources are what they are. It's up to you to choose your priorities.
In my case, other than the penile example, things are pretty clear. At the office, I could stay honest, and can't do otherwise, because that's the way I was brought up to be, and never get anywhere, or I could start kissing up and go out of my way, to get promoted. So I lowered my career standards because I cannot lower my moral standards.
With trading, similar things happen, because I am not doing as much as I could, due to being honest and transparent. I just can't do otherwise.
With the neighbours, since I cannot lower my manners standards, I have to live with lower my sleep standards. But then if I instead choose sleep as a priority over work, then I am lowering my honesty standards by going to work late. Which I often did. But then, since I could not lower those standards either, i ended up taking a day off. So I lowered my vacation standards, which increased my stress. So I lost my temper in the last few months due to never going on vacation, due to using up all my vacation to sleep.
The problem with my upbringing was that they set such high standards for me, and that they got me to accept them, that I basically either die or lower every other standard and objective in my life.
For example, for my mom, every human's task should be to die on the cross, or go die in africa as a missionary. Yeah, she's still alive and not even went to africa, but once or twice when I went home (other city than here) I found some homeless guy in my room. That's the type of person she is - she rebels and gives stuff away, behind my father's back and my back. Then we have to live with a stranger in the house, because she enacted something from the bible, which is actually what they're telling you to do in church, so if you go to church and don't do what she does, you're much worse than she is. Here everyone goes to church, and if there's a beggar outside it, he's not a millionaire, because they all say "he's lazy...", which is bull**** -- they're just hypocrits.
Then for my dad, I should have aspired to becoming the president of italy, anything else being a disappointment.
So for one parent I should have died on the cross, for the other parent I should have given my life for my country, and all this while being honest of course. In the meanwhile, the other kids were stealing my stuff and ganging up on me, since I could not retaliate in any way. Then I'd get home and be told by mom to be sympathetic to assholes in my school, and by my dad that I was an idiot. But then my dad also said my mom was an idiot. But then I could not say it or think it because i had to be respectful. And I had to accept being treated like an idiot, too, because my mom believed in showing the other cheek. So basically in life I was brought up to work hard and be screwed. Actually, according to my mom, getting screwed, being equivalent to dying on the cross, should be everyone's ambition.
No, wait, my dad believes in heroism in war as well. So for one I should die killed by showing the other cheek, and for the other one I should die killed while trying to kill the enemy. So what they have in common is that I should get killed.
So basically, getting back to the topic, I can't be happy, because these standards (being killed as my mission) are so high that first of all I don't want to die so I'll be a disappointment, nor can I become the pope nor the president of italy, so the premise is that I will not live up to expectations. Second of all, besides feeling guilty for neither being a hero nor a martyr, I don't get to live normally, because at least I'll have to try to live up to all the other rules they set for me. So I can't lie, I can't kiss up, I can't complain for lack of promotions, but it's a shame if I don't get promoted. I can't go to work late, but I can't complain to any neighbours if they keep me from sleeping... I just can't do jack**** and I am stuck in a bunch of impossible situations, and despite all these efforts, and all this putting up with things, I still feel like a failure because I neither became the pope nor the president of italy.
So every once in a while I feel like murdering a few people, because by having to live up to all these standards set for me, you have to compensate in some other way... i suppose all the serial killers had parents who set high standards... too high for them, so they put up with it for a while, but then got frustrated, and went on a killing rampage.
And then, ultimately, this upbringing of us serial killers also causes a lot of insomnia.
But then of course the objection could be: why don't you screw those rules and make your own?
To some extent I did - I even added harder to follow rules such as always saying the truth and nothing but the truth.
On the other hand, I also got rid of all that part where I have to help thy neighbour, so I don't give much money to the poor in the street, nor any other thing like that.
But for most other rules, I cannot get rid of them, because that's the problem with education from parents - you cannot get rid of it that easily. They actually convince you of those things from an early age.
For example, if you're brought up Catholic, you grow up to be a Catholic and so on. Otherwise why is everyone in England a Protestant and everyone in Ireland a Catholic... they weren't all convinced... they didn't all choose their own religion... you get my point... people don't reason with their minds. People inherit beliefs.
I inherited beliefs such as "my mission in life is to work hard and be screwed". I did not inherit "the point of life is having fun". I inherited "having fun and being happy is a sin".
There's no fixing that.
The only way to be calm and take it easy for me is to live away from humans. Because then I cease to have to act on those beliefs I inherited. I don't have to be generous, honest, transparent... I don't have to show the other cheek... basically if I stay away from humans I don't have to be screwed, because there won't be humans to screw me.
That is why I need to make money from trading, so I can retire, and get rid of that part of screwing coming from work.
Then I need to move to the island, where there will be fewer humans, mostly relatives on that island, and relatives screw you much less than other humans. Besides, my relatives mostly have similar beliefs, so we'd all be showing each other the other cheek. In fact this is precisely what happens when I rent a summer house from my aunt: I try to pay more and she tries to charge me less, which is the opposite of what regular people do.
Other than this, just to give you a quick example, of all the lowering of standards that I had to... that we all had to pay to having these "higher" standards, take my jobs. I've held about 4 jobs, all of which my father got for me. I could never get any... I only got one job by myself in luxembourg. I quit after 2 weeks.
All my other jobs my father got them for me -- that's the way it goes in italy most of the time anyway. What I am saying is that this is obviously a despicable behaviour. Letting others take care of you.
But there would have been no other way for me, because 1) I've been told by my dad all my life that I was worthless and 2) I had to respect all those standards. So I walked into interviews and said... well, first of all, in my cv I never exaggerated anything like people usually do. So I wrote that I had an average knowledge of english, while others who knew no english wrote they're fluent. And so on. Then at the interview... I said "hey, I don't know if you should hire me -- I have all these deficiencies... really make sure that you think I won't do any damage to your company...".
Maybe I am falling asleep again. I'll try to sleep some more. But to quickly summarize it, sooner or later some standards... some of the ten commandments will have to give in.
My ten or rather my 20 commandments or even my 30 commandments are too demanding, and sooner or later, I will abuse some of the most basic ones. Such as "do not kill" or "do not steal". I've been following too many commandments for too long. Probably I would simply just quit my job and redirect my anger at those who have made my life so frustrating. I'll go to my parents and ask them to support me.
Yeah, and by the way, my dad recently even offered me the money needed for trading on my own, but I refused it, because one of my 30 commandments is to not accept such gifts. If he asks me again I'll definitely accept it. That will be one of the first commandments to fall.
"Be screwed and show the other cheek"... "be virtuous and die for your country"... what a crappy life if you actually believe in those things. It's ok if you just say that stuff, but if you actually expect to be coherent and apply it, it's going to be a miserable life.
Anyway, I am sure that, like everyone else, I am not better... I am just like everyone else, and in order to apply all these crappy rules I was taught, I am compensating or will compensate by just as many shortcomings, deficiencies... you get my point. I might be like one of those priests who have a very immaculate life but then enjoy touching little children in their private parts... you know what I mean? You have to work your ass off for the church your whole life, so you need to compensate in some way. You can't just give and give... and be a martyr.
I don't know what I am saying... it's not a coherent essay any more... I am just trying to fall asleep. Tomorrow, in a few hours, the usual moral dilemma... go to work late, take a day off or go to work tired because my 30 commandments made me sleepless? That is my equivalent of being a pedophile: I feel I am entitled, due to having 30 commandments, to skip mother ****ing work and sleeping all day long. After all I was made insomniac by the 30 commandments, so I am entitled to compensating a little bit.
