Best Thread Joke of the day

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
 
Tae A Fart

Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie,
Lurks in yer bellie efter a feastie,
Just as ye sit doon among yer kin
There starts to stir an enormous wind.

The neeps and tatties and mushy peas
Start working like a gentle breeze
But soon the pudding wi' the sauncie face
Will hae ye blawin' a' ower the place

Nae matter whit the hell ye dae
a'body's gonnae hae tae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle
it's like a bullet oot a rifle

Hawd yer bum ticht tae the chair
Tae try tae stop the leakin' air
Shift yersel fae cheek tae cheek
Pray tae god it disnae reek

But a' the efforts go asunder
Oot it comes like a clap o' thunder
Ricochets arrond the room
Michty me! a sonic boom

God almighty it fairly reeks
A' hope a' huvnae **** ma breeks
Tae the bog a' better scurry
Whit the hell, it's no ma worry

A'body roon aboot me choakin'
One or two are nearly boakin'
I'll feel better for a while
Cannae help but raise a smile

It wis him! I shout and glower
Alas too late, he's just keeled ower
Ye dirty bugger! They shout and stare
I'm nay that welcome any mair

Where e're ye go let yer wind gang free
That sounds jist the joab fir me
Whit a fuss at Rabbie's party
Ower the sake o' one wee farty.
 
I thought I'd read all of Robbie Burns stuff. I'll give you a rec for that,if T2W will let me!

Split

I canna!
 
The New CEO

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech
corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO called a
press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes!"

:) :) :)
 
Actual School Absence Excuse Notes

These are excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the ****s. [words in ()'s were crossed
out.]

12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

24. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

:) :) :)
 
Teaching Math

Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.
What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "I" of lumber for a set "M" of money.
The cardinality of set "M" is 100.
Each element is worth one dollar.
Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M."
The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M."
Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following
question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment:
Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question:
How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the
trees?
There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 2000:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $120.
How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?

Teaching Math in 2010:
El hachero vende un camion carga por $100.
La cuesta de production es . . . ?

:) :) :)
 
His And Hers

HER SIDE OF THE STORY

He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny.

I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that I love him and he just put his arm around me.

I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally got back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to dump me! So I tried to ask him about it but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to sleep. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we had sex.

But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave but I just cried myself to sleep. I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else???


HIS SIDE OF THE STORY

The Longhorns lost. Felt tired. Sex was good!

:) :) :)
 
The Church Gossip

Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know that he was an alcoholic. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George, quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house. AND he left it there all night.

:) :) :)
 
When Howard found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two my father will die and I'll Inherit 200 million dollars!"

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, only three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men... :) :) :)
 
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

Eating lunch one day, the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage. If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. The blond guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blond's wife.

"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch!"

:) :) :)
 
There's three guys in line to get in heaven...St Peter says to the first one: "what brought you here?"...the first guy said, well I thought my wife was having an affair so i came home early to catch her..I burst through the door and checked everywhere but i couldn't find the *******...finally, I look outside and he's out their hanging off the fire escape...So i started beating on his fingers until he fell four stories down to the bottom...he hit some bushes and was rolling around still alive, so in my fury, i pushed the refrigerator out the window and it fell four floors onto the ******* and killed him instantly.....but in all the excitement , I had a heart attack and dropped dead.....St. Peter was visibly shaken and moved on to the second one in line.."My son, what brought you here"?..the second guy says, well there i was on my 5th floor balcony doing exercise like i do every morning when i lost my balance , flipped over the edge and grabbed onto the fire escape on the 4th floor..i was hanging there for about 30 seconds when some maniac comes and starts punching and biting my fingers...I couldn't hold on any longer and fell 4 floors into some bushes....both my legs were broken but i was alive!!!...but then this asshole gets a refrigerator and pushes it 4 stories down onto my head killing me instantly...St. Peter can barely breath as he approaches the next man in line and says, "my son , what brought you here?" ..the third guy in line says " Your never going to believe this , but there i was naked inside of a refrigerator..."

:) :) :)
 
PRINCIPLES OF SEX

You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." -Steve Martin-

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." -Woody Allen-

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." -Rodney Dangerfield-

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." -Lynn Lavner-

"Sex for a man at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." -Camille Paglia-

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." -George Burns-

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." -Sharon Stone-

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." -Tiger Woods-

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -Jack Nicholson-

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." -Barbara Bush -

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." -Billy> Crystal-

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." -Robert De Niro-

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" -Dustin Hoffman-

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, hey, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." -Jerry Seinfeld-

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." -Rod Stewart-

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a *****, and only enough blood to run one at a time." -Robin Williams-

:) :) :)
 
A Proctologist claims these are actual comments made by his patients while he was performing colonoscopies:

"Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

"Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

"Can you hear me NOW?"

"Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"

"Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

"You know, in some states, we're now legally married."

"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

"You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."

"Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

"If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

"Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

"You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

:) :) :)
 
classic "courtroom blooper"....

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
 
A scouse girl goes to the local council to claim benefit.
"How many children do you have?" asked the benefit officer.
"I have ten kids." replied the scouse woman.
"Ten?" said the benefit officer, "That's a lot! What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne." replied the scouse girl.
"Ummm, do you not get confused with them all having the same name?" asked the benefit officer.
"Nahhh," replied the scouser, "it's great because if they are out in the street playing I only have to say 'Wayne' once and they all come in!"
"What if you want to speak to one of them individually?" asked the benefit officer.
"Oh that's easy," replied the scouse girl, "I just use their last names!" :cheesy:
 
A play on words

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

Super stuff!

Originally posted in the Jokes Thread of Elite Trader.
 
London unveils logo of 2012 Games

Here is a good one...

London unveils logo of 2012 Games -



When people see the new brand, we want them to be inspired to make a positive change in their life Tony Blair

I've had a life changing experience already when I saw it for the first time today :LOL: :LOL:
 
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