Best Thread Joke of the day

[JTrader]

Posted - 31/01/2007 : 15:53:59 Show Profile Reply with Quote Flag Topic For Review
An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies
of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite
cheese Scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom,
and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he
crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the
kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the
kitchen table were dozens of his favourite cheese scones. Was it
heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish
wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, he
could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth,
seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at
the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a
spatula by his wife . . . . . . . . .

F**k Off!! ",she said, "They're for the funeral"

 

[JTrader]

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this
procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at
least 6 pounds."

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60
pounds

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "So you followed my advice ?"
The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going
to drop dead dat 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from de bloody skipping !!!!"

 

[JTrader]

Paddy's doing well on "Who wants to be a Millionaire".
He's got £500,000. Chris Tarrant asks him the big question for 1 Million quid.

"Paddy, for £1 million, who was the great train robber?
Was it - A, Ronnie Barker;
B, Ronnie O'Sullivan;
C, Ronnie Corbett; or was it
D, Ronnie Biggs?"

Paddy say's "Oi'll take de money please, Chris."

Chris reminds him that he still has his 3 life lines left.

Paddy again say's "Nope, Oi'll take de money please, Chris"

"You don't want to phone a friend?" says Chris.

"No t'anks, Oi'll take de money - foinal answer."

"OK" says Chris, looking bemused. "Give him a round of applause, ladies and gentlemen, Paddy goes away with £500,000! However, before you go you'll obviously want to know what the answer was, Paddy."

Paddy said "No, yer alroight, Oi knew de answer anyway, t'anks Chris"

"You knew it anyway... Are you mad?!?!" asks Chris, "Are you mental?!?!"

Paddy says, "Oi moight be mental Chris, but Oi'm no grass!"

 

[JTrader]

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my grandad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City
and I was "fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but
I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.


Johnny said


"My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her t**s are so big she can only fasten eight."

 

[JTrader]

Irish fella walking down the road.
Finds a sandwich with wires hanging out of it

Being a clever fella he realizes its a bomb,
So he phones the bomb squad and they ask him if its ticking

To which he replied no its beef

 

[JTrader]

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.

"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh!t?"

 

[JTrader]

Cop hands a speeder a speeding ticket.
Driver grumbles, "What am I supposed to do with this?"
Cop says, "Keep it. When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."

 

[JTrader]

Dr Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt really guilty.
No matter how much he tried, the sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal voice say
"Dave don't worry about it! You aren't the first doctor to sleep
with one of your patients and you won't be the last and your single, just let it go Dave, just let it go buddy."
But invariably another voice would bring him back him back to reality whispering . . .

" Dave your a bloody vet!!!"

 

[JTrader]

Right I have another one! (I love jokes)

A farmer (yes, another one) stares at his cows in disbelief...They're all frozen! Frozen solid! He walks over and taps one on the head and it's like hitting a cow shaped block of ice. He shakes his head, perplexed and goes to fetch the yellow pages.
After much rining around he finally finds someone who is willing to see to this strange problem. Very soon a car with blacked out windows arrive and from the back of it steps a woman. She walks towards the Farmer, a silk scarf wrapped around her head and dark sunglasses obscuring her eyes.
"Where are the cows?" She simply asks.
The Farme leads her to them and she immediately sets to work, moving between the statue-like creatures. After much muttering and arm waving, the herd of cows return to life! Away they plod to eat the grass as if nothing had happened.
The farmer is amazed.
"How did you do that?" he asked.
"Well," the woman replied, removing her sunglasses..."I'm....Thora Hird!"

 

[Pat494]

Gorilla joke

A gorilla walks into the pub and orders a beer. The barman recovers from the shock of seeing this gorilla and says to himself. It looks pretty stupid so I’ll charge it double the price.
The gorilla downs the pint in one gulp.
To make conversation the barman says “ we don’t get many gorillas in this pub.
The gorilla says “Not surprising at the prices you charge !”

 

[fibonelli]

Marooned on a tropical island

Marooned on a tropical island, a man with a beard to his knees sees a beautiful woman emerge from the surf.
"Been here long?" she smoulders. "Since 1989" he replies.
"How long since you had a cigarette?" "Eleven years".
She unzips a packet in the sleeve of her wetsuit, pulls out a pack of cigarettes, lights one and hands it to him.
"How long since you had a whisky?" "Eleven years" he says, inhaling greedily.
She unzips the other sleeve and offers him a flask. He takes a long swig and looks at her adoringly.
"How long" she asks coyly, "since you played around?" She starts to unzip her wetsuit.

"Oh go on", he laughs, "you're not going to tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there".

 

[kriesau]

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES

Dump the male flight attendants.
No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers!
What the hell -- they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin and, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, therefore the airlines would be saving even more money.
I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and "special services."

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this?

Why do I still have to think of everything myself?

Bill Clinton

 

[Priceman]

KINGSTON, Jamaica

- Jamaican police have launched a murder inquiry into the death of Pakistan cricket coach Bob Woolmer at the World Cup, saying he was strangled.

In a shocking revelation this afternoon, a picture has been released of a man seen beating on Woolmer's door and shouting "Woolmer!".

Police hope with the release of the photo a member of the public may recognise the suspect.

 

[trendie]

spam I received today. I have highlighted the bit that made me laugh.

**************************
From Dr Oluremi George..
DIAMOND BANK NIGERIA PLC(DBN)
EMAIL[email protected]

Dear Friend,

I am an Accountant with DIAMOND BANK NIGERIA PLC(DBN),My name is Dr
Oluremi George,i discovered an abandoned sum of 18million
US dollars(Eightteen million US dollars)in an account thatbelongs to
one of our foreign customers who used to work with an Oil
DevelopmentcompanyinNigeria(NIGERIANATIONALPETROLUEM COMPNAY) .Here in
after shall be referred to as my client On April 21, 2001, my client,
hiswife,and their three children were involved in a car accident along
Sagamu express way.

All occupants of the vehicle unfortunately lost their lives.Since then
I have made several inquiries to your embassy to locate anyof my
clients extended Relatives,
this is also proved unsuccessful.After these several unsuccessful
attempts, I decided to trace name over the Internet,to locate any
member of his family hence I contacted you.
I have contacted you to assist in repatriating the money and property
left behind by my client before they Get confiscated or declared
unserviceable by the bank where this huge deposits
werelodged,particularly the DIAMOND BANK NIGERIA PLC.Where the deceased
had an account Valued at about($18 million u sdollars)has Issued me a
notice to provide the next of kin. Or have the
account confiscated within the next ten official working days.

Since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over 2
years now,I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin of the
deceased so that we can proceed in transfering of this account valued at
($18million u s dollars) can be paid to you and then you and me Can
share the money.55% to me and 45% to you and 5% for any expenditure
made during the repatriating of the fund to your inland account.

An attorney will be contracted to help revalidated and notarize all the
necessary legal documents that can be used to back up any claim we
may make.All I require is your honest cooperation to enable us see this
deal through.I guarantee that this will be executed under a
legitimate arrangement that will protect you. from any breach of the
law.YOU CAN REACH ME VIA EMAIL[email protected]


I wait to hear from you asap.

Best regards
Dr Oluremi George
(External Auditor Accountant)

****************************

 

[Pat494]

Definately a nail ( scam ) trendie that needs liberal use of the HAMMER
The cheek of the fellow !!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[kriesau]

What an evil dude !

http://www.fullur.is/drasl/063.wmv

 

[kriesau]

A dwarf is walking down the street and he picks up a hooker.
He takes her back to his bedroom and she undresses and lays on the bed ready for him.

He takes out a suitcase and unpacks four large springs, which he attaches to his hands and feet, climbs over her and starts to go up and down on her - bouncey bouncey!

She absolutely loves this and when he finishes she says
'I've never seen that method before, it's not in the Kama Sutra - what's it called?'

The dwarf says 'Oh, that was the "Four-Sprung Dwarf Technique

 

[kriesau]

A curmudgeonly old man, on a Bowls Club Summer Coach Outing to Knotts End, walks into the cafe and sees a sign which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: £2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : £2.95

HANDJOB: £12.00

After checking the money in his wallet, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three attractive women serving Pepsi to a meager looking group of clapped out Harley-boyz.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispered the old man, "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

The old man replies, "Well go and wash your bloody hands then, I want a cheeseburger."

 

[kriesau]

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smothers about enlarging her breasts.

Dr. Smothers advised her, "Every day after you've had your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
She did this faithfully for months and it really worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs!

One morning she was running very late, just caught the bus and then in a panic realized she had forgotten her usual morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said,
"Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby looked up and said,
"You're not a patient of Dr. Smothers by any chance ?"

"Why, yes I am. How did you know?" she replied, feeling slightly embarrassed.

"He smiled, leaned closer to her, winked & whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."

 

[kriesau]

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest asked the rabbi, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
The rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I succumbed to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest,
"Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Then, the rabbi said, "Sure beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"