Best Thread Joke of the day

Girl comes in crying with a cut on her hand

Girl "mummy, I've cut myself, can I put in cider"

Mum "why on earth do you want to put in in cider"

Girl " I heard my big sister say, whenever she get a prick in her hand, she feels better when its insider"
 
Anybody know why the Elf went to school?

To learn the Elfabet...
 
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Old James Bond Joke - Can still be used on a night out though !!

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next
to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then
casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art

watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so
special about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."



The woman says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."

The woman giggles and replies,
"Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast.”:LOL:
 
The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in
the coop behind the church.

One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and
discovered that the c*ck was missing.

He knew about the c*ck fights in the village, so he decided to
question his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a c*ck?"
All the men stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has any body seen a c*ck?"
All the women stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a c*ck that
doesn't belong to them?"..............Half the women stood up.

"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is,
has anybody seen MY c*ck?" Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat
stood up.

pinched off you know where - but its such a hoooooooooot !!!!!!!!
 
"In the future, I plan on taking a more active role in the decisions I make" - Paris Hilton
(Colemanballs, Private Eye)
 
Another joke well worth repeating

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the

circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds? - Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? - It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? -

No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like? - All my relations still in Poland

Is there any infidelity in your marriage? - We have hi-fidelity stereo
and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up? - No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger? - No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce? - She going to kill me.

What makes you think that? - I got proof.

What kind of proof? - She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"

I see that 10,000 Polish people have come to stay with us in Blackpool, another 10,000 in Dublin, Glasgow etc- its not the same 10,000 travelling around is it ?
 
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know," he says, "You are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No, "she replies. . . "

"You just happened to catch my eye."
 
A suspect device was found on a car in liverpool yesterday

It was later discovered to be a tax disc
 
Peter Kay

Peter Kay One liners......!

1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said Thyroid Problem?'

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole
one and asked him to forgive me.

3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened
criminals.

7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and
stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

9) Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be
enough.'

11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

13) You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither.

14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a
living.

15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before

PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS


1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete
stranger.

4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY


1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?

5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an
alcoholic'?

6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes
out'?

12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?

13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the
bathroom is?

14) What do you call male ballerinas?

15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell
you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
 
using the BBCs online Listen Again feature:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio/

Select "Comedy and Quizzes", then select "Franz Kafka Big Band".

There are 4 episodes of 30-mins each of some pretty dark humourous sketches.
Lots of swearing, so not for grannies. (although a lot of it is bleeped out)

for example:
"..some actors go out of their way to take on roles that will win them an Oscar. Such as Hoffman in Tutsi, an everyday story of a man dressed as a woman during the Rwandan genocide."
Also, a sketch about Rolf Harris as a cartoonist drawing offensive cartoons of various dieties, including Buddha, Christ, etc.

very funny, sharp, and at-the-edge.
 
Reports from the White House today state that George Dubiyah is to have a colonoscopy ( that's a look up his back passage ) this weekend.

Goodness knows what they might find up there ? His brain perhaps ???

Santa Claus ( the old boy with the white wiskers )
Flight 19 ( mysteriously disappeared in the Bermuda triangle
DB Cooper ( jumped out of hi-jacked plane with umpteen thousands of dollars )

any suggestions ?? LOL
 
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Pat494 said:
Reports from the White House today state that George Dubiyah is to have a colonoscopy ( that's a look up his back passage ) this weekend.

Goodness knows what they might find up there ? His brain perhaps ???

Santa Claus ( the old boy with the white wiskers )
Flight 19 ( mysteriously disappeared in the Bermuda triangle
DB Cooper ( jumped out of hi-jacked plane with umpteen thousands of dollars )

any suggestions ?? LOL
Click to expand...

they might find Tony Blairs integrity up there
 
Pat494 said:
Reports from the White House today state that George Dubiyah is to have a colonoscopy ( that's a look up his back passage ) this weekend.

Goodness knows what they might find up there ? His brain perhaps ???

Santa Claus ( the old boy with the white wiskers )
Flight 19 ( mysteriously disappeared in the Bermuda triangle
DB Cooper ( jumped out of hi-jacked plane with umpteen thousands of dollars )

any suggestions ?? LOL
Click to expand...


One day George Bush's body parts get into a little arguement. The right hand smacks the left hand and says, I'm the boss.

The left smacks it back and says I don't think so.

The brain kicks in and says stop it. I am the main part. Get real you two.

The legs say shut it up there. Without me you ain't going no where.

The **** hole says, hey what about me guys, I play a part too know - so as not to be left out.

At this reaction all the other part of Bush laugh out literally, what the butt hole. Ha ha ha ha. Ho how funny is that... This hillarious laughter goes on for sometime until Bush gives a big stinky fart.

The smell shuts them up and it all goes quiet. However, the **** hole having huffed and puffed in anger is still very offended and decides to stop working in protest.

The next day Bush is unable to move his bowels. Rest of body parts do their work.

The second day Bush is still unable to move his bowels. Rest of body parts continue to function but notice the **** hole is not doing it's work. Rumours circulate between the legs, arms, internal organs, the brain and the ears. Something is not quite right.

Third day Bush spends most of his time in the loo and still unable to move his bowels. Rest of body parts begin to stop functioning or rather disfunctioning. Hands start shaking and so do his knees. Appetite goes off despite eating to help flush the passage ways. Brain can't think straight keeps going round in circles and wonders into the bathroom for not reason.

In the end the body parts get together and have a huddle. The brain says look we have upset the ********.

The head nods yes yes yes
The hands clap in agreement
The feet stamp to say aye

So they decide.

The brain apologises to the **** hole and Bush is able to relieve him self.

The moral of the story tells us who exactly rules the White House.:cheesy:
 
met a girl the other day. she had a lovely tattoo of a sea shell on her inner thigh. it was amazing, if you put your ear against it you could smell the sea....

:LOL:

two men in an airport rushing around bump into one another.

1st man says to the 2nd "i cant find my wife"

2nd says i cant find mine either! what does yours look like?"

well says the 1st "shes about 5"10" blond hair, blue eyes, tight ass and big tits, what about yours?

"fcuk her" replies the second "i'm going to look for yours"

:LOL:


3 things not to say in a gay bar

fcuk me its busy in here.

bugger me that drinks cheep.

let me push your stool in...

:LOL:


NO OFFENCE MENT:eek:
 
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