Best Thread Joke of the day
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JTrader
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9/ A pregnant woman is in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother, he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," says the doctor.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies, "Denephew."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother, he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," says the doctor.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies, "Denephew."
JTrader
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Dr Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt really guilty.
No matter how much he tried, the sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal voice say
"Dave don't worry about it! You aren't the first doctor to sleep
with one of your patients and you won't be the last and your single, just let it go Dave, just let it go buddy."
But invariably another voice would bring him back him back to reality whispering . . .
" Dave your a bloody vet!!!"
No matter how much he tried, the sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal voice say
"Dave don't worry about it! You aren't the first doctor to sleep
with one of your patients and you won't be the last and your single, just let it go Dave, just let it go buddy."
But invariably another voice would bring him back him back to reality whispering . . .
" Dave your a bloody vet!!!"
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Bob's greatest achievement was his brood of six children. In fact, he was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife "Mother of Six", despite her continual objections.
One night at a party, Bob decided it was time to go home and shouted across the room, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?" His irritated wife hollered back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."
One night at a party, Bob decided it was time to go home and shouted across the room, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?" His irritated wife hollered back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."
Pat494
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Women don’t U just luv ‘em
Him: Your’e in a bad mood. What’s the matter with you ?
Her: Nothing
Him: Is it something I said ?
Her: No
Him: Is it something I didn’t say
Her: No
Him: Is it something I did ?
Her: No
Him: Is it something I didn’t do ?
Her: No
Him: Is it something I said in casual reference to something I did when the thing I did shouldn’t have been done or at least done differently with more concern for your feelings ?
Her: Maybe
Him: ><XCDT()*&^
Him: Your’e in a bad mood. What’s the matter with you ?
Her: Nothing
Him: Is it something I said ?
Her: No
Him: Is it something I didn’t say
Her: No
Him: Is it something I did ?
Her: No
Him: Is it something I didn’t do ?
Her: No
Him: Is it something I said in casual reference to something I did when the thing I did shouldn’t have been done or at least done differently with more concern for your feelings ?
Her: Maybe
Him: ><XCDT()*&^
Pat494
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THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror complaining to her
husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling her it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, she fetched a piece of toilet paper and stands in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," her husband replies.
She stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat, he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a
straw.
Stupid, stupid man.
(borrowed)
Fresh from my shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror complaining to her
husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling her it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, she fetched a piece of toilet paper and stands in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," her husband replies.
She stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat, he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a
straw.
Stupid, stupid man.
(borrowed)
JTrader
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A Yorkshireman asks a dentist the cost of a tooth extraction.
"£85 for an extraction sir," was the dentist's reply.
"Chuff me! £85! Haven't you got anything cheaper?"
"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.
"What if you don't use any anaesthetic?"
"That's unusual, sir, but I could knock £15 off."
"What about if you used one of your dentist trainees without an anesthetic?"
"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful, but the price would drop to £40."
"How about if you make it a training session and have your student do the extraction with the other students watching and learning?"
"It'll be good for the students," mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you £5, but it will be traumatic."
"Now you're talking mate! It's a deal" said the Yorkshireman...
"...can I make an appointment for our lass next Tuesday?"
"£85 for an extraction sir," was the dentist's reply.
"Chuff me! £85! Haven't you got anything cheaper?"
"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.
"What if you don't use any anaesthetic?"
"That's unusual, sir, but I could knock £15 off."
"What about if you used one of your dentist trainees without an anesthetic?"
"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful, but the price would drop to £40."
"How about if you make it a training session and have your student do the extraction with the other students watching and learning?"
"It'll be good for the students," mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you £5, but it will be traumatic."
"Now you're talking mate! It's a deal" said the Yorkshireman...
"...can I make an appointment for our lass next Tuesday?"
JTrader
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A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto."
Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays. "My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car, my children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself...
God says to her, "Sweetheart, work with me on this one. Buy a ticket."
She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto."
Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays. "My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car, my children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself...
God says to her, "Sweetheart, work with me on this one. Buy a ticket."
JTrader
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The jockey was riding the favourite at a race meeting, and was well ahead of the field.
His horse rounded the final corner, when suddenly the jockey was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.
He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence.
With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding. Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second.
He immediately went to the race stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered.
His horse rounded the final corner, when suddenly the jockey was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.
He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence.
With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding. Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second.
He immediately went to the race stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered.
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On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a Petrol
station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, who knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical
Irish manner, completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. "Top of the
mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and
bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dose?, asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the good God's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting..."
station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, who knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical
Irish manner, completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. "Top of the
mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and
bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dose?, asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the good God's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting..."
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A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?"
The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night."
"Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?"
"Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers.
"Do you want to try?"
"No, but thanks anyway."
"Why not?", asks the barman.
"The steaks are too high."
The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night."
"Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?"
"Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers.
"Do you want to try?"
"No, but thanks anyway."
"Why not?", asks the barman.
"The steaks are too high."
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Two factory workers were talking.
"I think I'll take some time off from work," said the man.
"How do you think you'll do that?" asked the blonde.
He proceeded to show her...by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside down.
The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing?
"I'm a light bulb" answered the guy.
"I think you need some time off," said the boss.
So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory.
The blonde began walking out too.
The boss asked her where did she think she was going?
The blonde answered, "Home, I can't work in the dark".
"I think I'll take some time off from work," said the man.
"How do you think you'll do that?" asked the blonde.
He proceeded to show her...by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside down.
The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing?
"I'm a light bulb" answered the guy.
"I think you need some time off," said the boss.
So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory.
The blonde began walking out too.
The boss asked her where did she think she was going?
The blonde answered, "Home, I can't work in the dark".
