Best Thread Joke of the day

Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of the Thames near Parliament. (er I know must be something to do with climate change )

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand
how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the the same age, we were the
same size as kids."

"Well", said the big croc, "What have you beeen eating?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small croc.

"Hmmm, Well, where do you catch them?

"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the parliament
house."

"Same here. Hmmm. How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to
unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg and shake the
**** out of them and eat 'em."

"Ah!" says the big crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not
getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the ****
out of a politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a
briefcase."
 
It's been a tough week (on T2W not the market ;)) let's have a Friday laugh

So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said , "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition , but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes
first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director & I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"
 
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Friday fun in a week of turmoil (for some more than others!)

There were eleven people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, then the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off." After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all of the blondes started clapping.

Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. one is crying. the other asks what's wrong. The crying drunk says, "I've puked all over myself again and my wife's gonna kill me. What do I do pal?"
The one drunk offers this advice: "Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. put a tenner in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you it to have your clothes cleaned."
"Sound like a great idea," says the crying drunk.
When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is.
The drunk starts spinning the lie and says, "look for you, there's ten quid in my pocket."
His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty quid. "Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy gave you ten quid for puking on you," says the wife.
"He did," say the drunk, "but he s*** in my pants too!"



This guy goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor shows him an inkblot and asks him what it looks like.
"A naked woman." he says.
He shows him another inkblot and asks him the same question.
"A naked woman on a bed."
"You're a sick pervert!" the psychiatrist exclaims.
"I'm not the pervert. You keep showing me all these filthy pictures!"



An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too; first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?" The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open".
 
Lots of crazy things happen in traveling. Just last week I was on a train. There was a woman traveling with a baby. UGLY baby! I mean, I'm not one to make comments about anyone's kid -- but this was an UGLY baby. A guy walks down the train -- he's half smashed -- and he stops. And he stares. And the lady says "What are you looking at?" The guy says "I'm looking at that ugly baby." A scene ensues, whereupon the conductor arrives. He says "What's going on here?" The woman says "This man just insulted me!" The conductor says "Now calm down Madam, calm down. We here at the railroad want to make sure that there are no altercations between our passengers and that everyone's trip is as relaxing as possible. Accordingly, if you allow us, please step into the dining car and the railroad will buy you a free meal. And maybe we can find a banana for your monkey."
 
Ladies and gentlemen we gotta do something about the Indians. The Indians aren’t ready yet ! Quite often when I say that – people feel it’s a harsh statement, but how harsh it is depends on how we look at it. Let’s ask ourselves a question like – if you just built a $500,000 home, would you want some guy setting up a wigwam next door ? I am not against Indians. There are Indians that I’ve admired and looked up to. There are some guys that being Indian hasn’t held them back. Guys like Tonto.
I tried to help an Indian once, he didn’t appreciate it. He made a smart remark about colored people and I got mad. I got mad because I like colored people.
Let me tell you how the entire situation came up. A beautiful day last year and I hadn’t got anything to do. Down our street there’s a restaurant. I enter. I see an Indian sitting there in a booth.. I say damn there’s an Indian. I am surprised because there’s not many around but he looks just like the guy off the nickel. That’s who I thought it was. The guy off the nickel.. I would like to be his friend. Go places with him. Get the cheque. Maybe we will have a drink and then take in a movie. How The West Was Won”, an Indian should like that.
So I approach his table and say “good afternoon sir, your’e and Indian aren’t you ?” He said yeah “how did you guess ?” - “Its those feathers baby – either your’e an Indian or a chicken.”
He says his name is Henry. Well I know he is lying – whoever heard of Henry Indian.
I am willing to overlook this, so I say – “Henry the trouble with you guys is that pipe. I don’t know what you put in that pipe, but whatever it is it doesn’t do you any good. You guys need to assert yourselves like the colored people, be big successes like Colin Powell and Condi Rice. And he said “ well I’ve never heard of kids ever playing cowboys and colored people !!

In tribute to FW (abbr)
 
My wife slept with someone else. I said 'what the hell and slept with someone else too. She felt betrayed and left me. :LOL:
 
Footy fans beware!

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played minor league football together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him," Mike--Mike."

"Who is it?" asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike, it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You're playing Tuesday."
 
Three Lions Joke

Three England players David Beckham, Frank Lampard and Michael Owen are trapped in the desert in a broken down jeep. Lampard decides that they must walk on to survive so he says,

“I will carry the water bottle with me so we can have a drink”. The other two say “good idea”.

Then Owen says “I’ll carry the hood so we can have shelter.” The other two agree and say “good idea”.

Finally, Beckham says, “OK, I will carry the door.” The other two look at him baffled and ask, “Why would you take that?”

Beckham replies, “So if we get hot we can wind the window down!”
 
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Thieves come in many guises nowadays...

Not only have we got Gordon the Gopher on the telly at the mo robbing us blind they're training these little fellas now too!! Be careful
 

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Don't mess with old ladies! Happy Friday and good weekend all.

Defence Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defence Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defence Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the little *******
 
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly,
made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook
the boat to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph so I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that
the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing
in that ****!
 
An Irish women was admitted to hospital today after having phone sex. Doctors managed to remove 2 nokias, 3 motorolas and 1 samsung, but no siemen was found!
 
A doctor at a college campus is giving free physicalls for one week only. Early in the week a girl comes into his office, and the doctor asks her to remove her shirt. The girl proceeds and the doctor immiedietly notices the girl has a large A in the middle of her chest. The doctor asks how did you get that A on your chest. The girl responds by saying that her boyfriend goes to the univeristy of Alabama and when we make love he likes to keep his lettermans jacket on. The doctor finds this rather strange, but just shrugs it off. A little later that week he sees another girl and when she removed her shirt the doctor noticed a large I in her chest. The doctor asks how did you get that I in your chest. The girl tells the doctor that her boyfriend goes to the university of Iowa and when we have sex he likes to keep his lettermans jacket on. The doctor than begins to wonder if all college students keep their lettermans jacket on during intercourse. Even later that week another young women comes in and removes her shirt. Sure enought there is a large W carved into the womens chest. The doctor quickly asks, let me guess your boy friend goes to Wisconsin, the girl replies no, my girlfriend goes to Minnesota.
 
How can you tell which duck uses his mobile phone the most????

The one with the biggest bill!!!!
 
How’d you make a duck sing soul? Stick it in the microwave untill it’s Bill Withers.
 
One day a gorilla was sent to prison. After 5 years of being confined to his prison cell, he is released. Upon release he goes about pursuing a lady to take out all his pent-up sexual frustration on. 5 minutes after walking through the gates he notices an attractive lady wolf-whistling at him from across the road. Thinking his lucks in, he approaches the lady who invites him back to her place for “a good time”. When he gets there he manages to convince the girl to cook him a good, home cooked meal which she does. He devours it in no time, giving him enough energy for him to treat her to a real heavy session. When theyve finished the girl tells the gorilla to get dressed and pay up. “Whoa whoa whoa!!” says the gorilla who didnt know that money was to be changing hands. “I’m a prostitute” says the girl, throwing him a dictionary “look it up”. He catches the dictionary and throws it back at her, I’m a gorilla, he replies look THAT up. Which she did and it read: Gorilla; eats shoots and leaves.
 
Two Kids In The Playground And One Say¨s
Why Don¨t We Play Council Workers.
O.k Says The Second Kid ...how Do We Play That?

The First To Move Loses..........
 
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