Best Thread Joke of the day

[wobbles]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, “Well, doc, it’s like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called the lady next door and she tried too; first with both hands, then between
her thighs, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbour?”
The old man replied, “Yep, and none of us could get the jar open!”.

 

[wobbles]

MURPHY'S LESSER-KNOWN DICTUMS

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid
enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those
who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he
will sit in a boat the whole day.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A Fine is a tax for doing wrong. A Tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12
people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

 

[wasp]

for the star wars fans...

 

[roguetrader]

Best wishes to the Hamster

 

[Pat494]

Understanding Marketing

You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a fabulous girl/guy. You have one of your friends approach them, point at you and say, "She's/He's fantastic in bed."

That's Advertising.

You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them to get their telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. You get up, straighten your clothes, walk up and pour them a drink. You open the door, pick up their bag after it drops, offer them a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. They walk up to you and say, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."

That's Brand Recognition.

 

[kriesau]

 

[jonnyy40]

Tony and Cherie go for a walk around the gardens of No.10. Suddenly,Tony whips off her knickers and throws them to the ground. Cherie: ' Tony,you randy devil,what about the security cameras? Tony: 'Sorry darling,there's a wet patch on the grass and I don't want to get my shoes dirty'.

 

[kriesau]

Bush spells it out !

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HVDgDdGucLg

 

[kriesau]

WE are rather amused !

http://www.rathergood.com/baps/

 

[kriesau]

What's he drinking !

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZxtR0s-lrU4

 

[LION63]

A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mum", he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not Yet", replied his mother.

 

[bizmanny]

A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mum", he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not Yet", replied his mother.

Good joke The kid has got a point :cheesy: Think about how many people who couldn't keep their zip shut. Bill Clinton, Samson and Delilah story, David Blunkett, Ericson.

 

[barjon]

The biker and the Old lady


A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in the other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says, "Let's take my shortcut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."

 

[Lightning McQueen]

F'ing best quotes in history......enjoy

10 - "Scattered f*cking showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

9 - "How the f*ck did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

8 - "You want THAT on the f*cking ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

7 - "Where did all those f*cking Indians come from?" - Custer,1877

6 - "It does so f*cking look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

5 - "Where the f*ck are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937

4 - "Any f*cking idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

3 - "What the f*ck was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

2 - "I need this parade like I need a f*cking hole in the head!" -JFK,1963

1 - "Aw c'mon. Who the f*ck is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton,1997

 

[LION63]

In Honor of Stupid People . . . In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.


On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) --
"Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)


On Sainsbury's peanuts --
"Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine --
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking
this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding --
"Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)


On a Sears hairdryer --
Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos --
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap --
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners --
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron --
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)
On Nytol Sleep Aid --
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(..I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights --
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)


On a Japanese food processor --
"Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)


On an American Airlines packet of nuts --
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)


On a child's Superman costume --
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw --
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

 

[timsk]

On a Swedish chainsaw --
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Nice one Lion.
Great advice about the chainsaw, I assume it's safe to use one'e head, legs and forearms!
Tim.

 

[kriesau]

Pilots vs Mechanics
(I think I'll take a train next time!)

It takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one !

Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pouding on something with a hammer
S: Took hammer away from midget

 

[kriesau]

Bush !

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lAqwgYrv6IQ

 

[kriesau]

After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters earlier this year Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientist dug to a depth of 2000 meters, and shortly after reports in the newspapers stated that English archaeologists had found traces of 2000 year old fibre-optic cable and had concluded that their ancestors had
an advanced, high-tech, digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the Scots.

One week later, Irish newspapers reported that after digging as deep as 5000 meters in a County Mayo bog, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They, therefore, have concluded that 5000 years ago, Ireland's inhabitants were already using wireless technology.

 

[kriesau]

Beware.............I got this today and the warning is genuine!

Last week a friend was travelling on a Paris to London flight.

A man of Arabic appearance disembarked and my friend noticed that he had left his bag behind. She grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught him in the terminal and handed him back his bag. He was very grateful and quickly opened and checked his bag which appeared to contain several large bundles of US dollars.

He looked around carefully to make sure nobody was looking and whispered to her.
"I can never repay your kindness but I will try with some advice - stay away from Birmingham".

My friend was genuinely terrified.
"Is there going to be an attack?" she asked him.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

"No ... " he whispered back...... "It's a S**thole."