Best Thread Joke of the day

[LION63]

FROM THE BACK PEW

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went
before the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the
preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the
congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the
preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how
much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children
are a gift from God," he said.

Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady st ood up and in her frail voice
said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of
it, we wear rubbers."

And the congregation said, "Amen."

 

[kriesau]

Profound Thoughts !

Only borrow money from pessimists since they don't expect you to pay it back.

Half of the people that you know are below average.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is often the sign of a very bad memory.

If you want the rainbow then you first have to put up with the rain.

The early bird may get the worm but the second mouse always gets the cheese.

If everything seems to be going well then you have obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without any enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way then you're clearly in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a very poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future but laziness pays off today.

If at first you don't succeed make sure you destroy all evidence that shows you tried.

A conclusion only arises when you are just tired of thinking.

Experience is something you never get until just after you really need it.

The hardness of the butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism but to steal from many is called research.

The real problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind others then the more time you'll have to catch up.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend once.....but she left me before we even met.

Why is it that psychics have to ask you for your name?

 

[bizmanny]

The only Question is: What is risk?

And the answer of a student: (he leaves all the page empty and at the end of the page he writes) "This is Risk"

And he gets the only A

 

[Jack o'Clubs]

Trailer for the new Borat movie: class.

http://www.borat.tv/trailer.html

 

[LION63]

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.)


The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."



SCROLL DOWN!!!
















"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

 

[Pat494]

Not for RCs

Talking of bath-tubs
Every time the Pope has a bath he looks down on the unemployed
( well most Popes anyway )

 

[kriesau]

How to say 'I love you' in a dozen languages !

English...........I Love You
Spanish.........Te Amo
Portuguese....Eu, amo-te
French...........Je T'aime
German..........lch Liebe Dich
Italian............Ti Amo
Swedish.........Jag Alaskar
Polish.............Kochem Cie
Hebrew..........Ani ohevet ota
Albanian.........te dua
Hungarian......Szeretlek
Alabama, Arkansas, Kansas, Texas, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Missouri, Mississippi, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia, Oklahoma, Idaho, Wyoming, Kentucky........Nice Ass - get in the truck!

 

[neil]

Smut -

Two Irishmen were sitting in a cafe and masturbating.

A shocked waiter rushes over and says," What do you think you are doing?"

One of the Irishmen stops and points to a sign on the wall of the cafe:
"First come - first served."

 

[blackcab]

Just great...

http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/QI

 

[LION63]

NINE MONTHS LATER

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up in Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from..... "Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did," "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, but I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "She just died and left me everything."

* (And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you? Now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)

 

[erierambler]

Jack Schitt

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep &. Schitt Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Piza Schitt.

So now if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.

Not only do you know Jack, you know his whole family!

 

[laptop1]

Joke of the Day

............................................................Worldspreads................................................

:cheesy: :cheesy: :cheesy: :cheesy: :cheesy: :cheesy: :cheesy: :cheesy: :cheesy:

 

[kriesau]

Maybe they'll test this here ! :cheesy:

http://5x5m.com/files/speedbandits/

 

[LION63]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a football." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - " £250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have football boots." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy - " £750" Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy - " £1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again. You're in my cupboard now!"

 

[barjon]

Defence Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him
"Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little *******

 

[LION63]

Spooky but true:

This story happened about a year or two ago near Aughrim, Co.Galway
Ireland, and even though it may sound like something out of the X
Files or from Alfred Hitchcock Presents... it's real!

This guy drives from Ballinasloe to Kilreekill and decides not to
take the new A road, as he wants to see the scenery.. The inevitable
happens and when he reaches the outskirts his car breaks down - he's
stranded miles from anywhere. Having no choice he starts walking on the side
of the road, hoping to get a lift to the nearest human habitation.

It's dark and raining and pretty soon he's wet and shivering. The
night rolls on and no car goes by, the rains are so strong he can barely
see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly in the distance he sees the headlights of a car coming
towards him, and it slows and then stops next to him - without thinking the
guy opens the car's door and jumps in. Seated in the back, he leans
forward to thank the person who had saved him when he realises there is
nobody behind the wheel!!!

Even though there's no one in the front seat and no sound of any
engine, the car starts moving slowly. The guy looks at the road ahead and
sees a curve coming. Remember, this is in the hills,and there is a steep,
steep drop beyond the curve).

Scared almost to death he starts to pray, begging the Lord for his
life.

He hasn't come out of shock, when just before the curve, a hand
appears through the open window and moves the wheel!

The car makes the curve safely and continues on the road to the next
bend.. The guy, now paralysed in terror, watches how the hand appears every
time they approach a curve and moves the steering wheel just enough to get
the car around each bend.

Finally, the guy sees lights ahead. Gathering his courage he wrenches
open the door of the silent, slowly moving car, scrambles out and runs as
hard and fast as he can towards the lights.

It's a small town. Wet and in shock goes to a roadside café, which is
open, and asks for a drink. They find some whisky and give him a shot. And
he starts telling whoever will listen about the scary experience he's
just been through.

A silence envelops everybody when they realise the guy isn't drunk,
and is really frightened - he's crying and shaking.

So they give him another drink and talk about what they should do,
whether to call the Garda or find a priest, or what.

But just then two strangers walked into the bar......
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
And one says to the other, "Look, that's the fecking eejit that got
in the car when we were pushing it."

 

[CJIA]

re

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children
what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came
fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but
Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him
about his father.
"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his
clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good,
he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let him sleep with
him." The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took
little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true. "No" said Billy,
"He plays cricket for England but I was just too embarrassed to say

 

[wasp]

Aussies

...

 

[wasp]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

#1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.

#2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

#3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.

#4. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.

#5. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.

"Now, think about that and see if it makes sense."

So, the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So, the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, He looks in the peephole and finds his father in bed with the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class, while the government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****!!

 

[wasp]

An oldie but classic.........