Best Thread Joke of the day

Once in a medieval times, there was a King who was getting sort of bored after dinner one
night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the court had the mightiest "weapon". The
first knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest weapon...he pulled down his
pants and tied a 5 pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the
women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...and the band played appropriate
music.
Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He dropped his pants
and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the
women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band played
appropriate music.
After several more knights tried to prove their superiority...the King finally spoke out.
"I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped his pants and tied, not a 10 pound,
not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound, but a 40 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth
rose. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...
and the band played "God Save the Queen."
 
After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid
of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had
been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she
needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near
her age.
She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male
virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an
Australian computer programmer.
After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had
indeed never been with a woman and they were married. On their
wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie.
When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the
bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the
room. Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, "I
thought you had never been with a woman."
He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a
kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!
 
One day in class the teacher has sex education.On the black board she draws
a p*nis then asks the class if any of them knows what it is.In the back of
the room,Dirty Johnny stands and says "That's a p*nis,and my father has two
of them". The teacher looks surprised and asks "What do you mean,two?" Dirty
Johnny responds, "A little one to pee,and a big one to brush the baby sitters
teeth."
 
The LARK Programme

A Lady Liberal Democrat wrote a lot of letters to the White House complaining about the treatment of a captive insurgent (terrorist) being held in Guantanamo Bay. She received the following reply:


The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D. C. 20016

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter, in which you roundly criticized our treatment of the Taliban and Al Quaida detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Our administration takes these matters very seriously and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington.

Consequently, you'll be pleased to learn that thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place a terrorist under your personal care. Your detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bini Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire several assistant caregivers.

We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter. Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling.

You may need to know that your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand to hand combat and can extinguish human life with simple items as pencils and nail clippers. We advise that you not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion), this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually), since he views females as a sub-human form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him, and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka – as time goes by.

Just remember that it is all part of "respecting his culture and His religious beliefs" - wasn't that how you put it?

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you take the time to keep us informed of the proper way to do our job.

You take good care of Ahmed - and remember, we'll be watching.

Meanwhile, Good Luck!

Cordially,
Donald Rumsfeld
United States Secretary of Defence
 
It is generally accepted that over 90% of traders lose money. How can this be true ?
Here is a cunning plan
1. Get all the loose change, foreign coins etc. that you can find around the house.
2. Put all the coins in a hat.
3. Decide that heads are for UP and tails for DOWN.
4. Toss all the coins in the air – before the markets open.
5. Supposing the markets ( Dow Jones ) goes up, then keep that pile of coins that came up heads for the next day. ( spend the losing pile on your favourite booze )
6. Repeat this every day with the winning pile of coins until there is only 1 left. That is your “Lucky Coin”.
Instead of only a less than a 10% chance of winning you have now increased your winning chances to a bit over 40% taking into account commission and slippage.
That is more than quadrupling your chances of success
Well that can’t be bad !!!!!!!!!!!
:cheesy:
 
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New Diet

The other day I was buying a large bag of Purina at Pet-Co and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her no, and that I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in the Intensive Care Unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. Since the food is nutritionally complete and perfectly healthy, I decided to try it again.

Horrified, she asked if ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, and went on to explain that I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
 
Millie accompanied her husband Maurice to the doctor's office.
After he had given Maurice a full checkup, the doctor called Millie into his office, alone. He said, "Maurice is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.
Each morning, wake him up gently with a long and passionate kiss, then fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times and make sure he is always in a good mood. Cook him only his favourite meals, lunch and dinner and allow him to fully relax after each. Don't burden him with any chores and don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. Don’t argue with him, even if he criticises you or makes fun of you. Let him be as arrogant as he wants to be. Try to relax him in the evening by wearing see-through lingerie. Give him plenty of ‘full relief’ body massages. Encourage him to watch all the sport he can on the TV, even if it means missing your favourite programs. And most importantly, make full and passionate love with Maurice every evening after dinner and satisfy his every whim. I suggest you also make oral love to him mid morning and mid afternoon.
If you can do all of this, every day, for the next 6 months, I think Maurice will regain his health completely."
On the way home, Maurice asks Millie: "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
 
A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as
different emotions e.g. fear etc. On the night of the party, the first
guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest.
He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"
And the guy says, "I'm green with NV".
The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink".

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to
see a woman covered in a pink body stockings with a feather boa wrapped
around her most intimate parts.
He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" She replies, "I'm tickled pink".
The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party".

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host
opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick, standing stark
naked one with his knob in a bowl of custard, and the other with
his knob stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says,
"Well, what the hell are you both doing? You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street. Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be

Paddy replies, "Well, Oim fokn discustard, and Mick here has just come in despair".
 
A rich man and a poor man were discussing what they gave their wives for
their anniversary. The rich man says, "I bought my wife a diamond necklace
and a Mercedes Benz."

Poor man asks, "Why did you buy her two gifts?"

The rich man replies, "Well, in case she doesn't like the diamond necklace,
she can drive her Mercedes Benz to take it back."

The poor man acknowledges the rich mans answer then proceeds to tell him
what he got his wife. "I got my wife a pair of flip flops and a dildo."

With a confused and intrigued look, the rich man asks, "Why did you buy her
those gifts?!"

The poor man replies, "Well, in case she doesn't like the flip flops, she
can go f*ck herself."
 
" EXPERT HUNTER"

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills.

The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.

But, then he said, "That they could blindfold him, and he would recognize
any animal's skin, from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole,

he would even tell them, what calibre the bullet was, that killed the animal.
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.

After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the

bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk.

He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle.
He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time
against a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.

He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to
get in a fight, and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put
your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly
announced,
"Skunk, killed with an axe."
 
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her
95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather
had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were
making love on Sunday Morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100
years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the
church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice
and slow and even...

Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive
If the ice cream truck hadn't come along.
 
Once there was this guy named Bill, and his favorite sport was driving around in his truck hitting lawyers. One day as Bill was out running over lawyers and having tons of fun, he saw a priest hitchhikingon the side of the road.
Mistaking him for a lawyer, Bill almost hit him, but swerved away at the last second. Feeling terrible, Bill offered to give the priest a ride.

So Bill and the priest are driving along, neither of them saying much, when Bill saw a lawyer walking along. He immediately recognized him by the trail of slime he left in his wake. Getting all excited, Bill sped up in hot pursuit of the lawyer. At the very last second, Bill remembered the priest sitting in his truck with him, and he swerved out of the way. Relieved to have missed the lawyer, Bill turned to the priest. "Father, I almost hit a lawyer!" Bill cried.

"Oh dont worry sonny" the priest replied. "I got him with my door."
 
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One
wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror,
she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My

husband's home early!" "I can't jump out the window, it's raining out
there!" "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.

He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of yourproblems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the
window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he
had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started
running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend
in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had
been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied,
gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved along side. "Do you always run carrying your
clothes with you under your arm?" "Oh yes," our friend answered
breathlessly.

"That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my
car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you
always wear a condom when you run?"

"Nope........just when it's raining
 
How Stock Market works ?

How Stock Market works ?
 

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Wine v Water

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each
day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of
Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are
consuming 1 kilo of Poo.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer
or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process
of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

WATER = Poo
WINE = HEALTH
Free yourself of Poo, drink WINE!!! It is better to drink wine and talk
s**t than to drink water and be full of s**t.
:cheesy:
Tim.
 
Did you know Steve Irwin wasn't wearing sun-screen at the time of his death?

They think if he was wearing it, he may still be alive today, cozs it blocks harmful rays!
 
A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods when they passed this small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop! " So the married couple walked in.

The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?
"The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes. . . something his wife hadn't seen in many years!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of he Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming,
"YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!
N0000000000000000
 
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