D
Dowser
It's not just his wife trying to figure that one out!
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It's not just his wife trying to figure that one out!
piphoe
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this a riddle not a joke thats ok with me i love riddles! b ut i haven't solved this one yet!
Pat494
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A Polish man moved to the UK and married a Brit girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the
circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds? - Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? - It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? -
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean. What are your relations like? - All my relations still in Poland
Is there any infidelity in your marriage? - We have hi-fidelity stereo
and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up? - No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger? - No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce? - She going to kill me.
What makes you think that? - I got proof.
What kind of proof? - She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the
circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds? - Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? - It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? -
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean. What are your relations like? - All my relations still in Poland
Is there any infidelity in your marriage? - We have hi-fidelity stereo
and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up? - No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger? - No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce? - She going to kill me.
What makes you think that? - I got proof.
What kind of proof? - She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"
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itspossible
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:whistling
Pat494
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Nothing wrong with your memory m8 but it is such a funny joke I thought I should get it out for another airing.
foroom lluzers
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Patrick gets home , and as usual runs to the bedroom , to see his wife broad legged in bed.
She says to Patrick "curtains are closed , I don't feel it anymore".
Patrick goes to the curtains , opens them and shuts them and says "now they are closed darling"
She says to Patrick "curtains are closed , I don't feel it anymore".
Patrick goes to the curtains , opens them and shuts them and says "now they are closed darling"
foroom lluzers
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Trading boaster goes around stock forums , sings to everybody I am making money.
A friend asks "What about the losing trading he does not show or talk about "
Boaster replies"All losing trades need not be declared , cause they are not declared in tax returns and considered long term investments.I am 100 % profitable".
A friend asks "What about the losing trading he does not show or talk about "
Boaster replies"All losing trades need not be declared , cause they are not declared in tax returns and considered long term investments.I am 100 % profitable".
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foroom lluzers
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Big John was given some money to invest , Big John went shopping to Argos , the shop was full and vibrant.John invested £2,000 in Argos shares , he was pretty impressed with it.A week later Argos got taken over by Great Universal stores , nobody knew what was going to happen with Argos shares , but John doubled his money in two weeks ,a 100 % return.
Since that day John has been looking for the Holy grail ,trading in thousands of shares , placing blind bets hoping for the 100% argos payoff on every share.He sits in front of a screen and markets prices fall ,destroy his account and clean him out.He only sweats ,curses ,stresses out and cries at losses.
That is the story of many short term stock traders.
Since that day John has been looking for the Holy grail ,trading in thousands of shares , placing blind bets hoping for the 100% argos payoff on every share.He sits in front of a screen and markets prices fall ,destroy his account and clean him out.He only sweats ,curses ,stresses out and cries at losses.
That is the story of many short term stock traders.
Pat494
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http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/artic...d-from-america-for-impersonating-donald-trump
Getting a bit sensitive ?
Getting a bit sensitive ?
barjon
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For those of my generation who do not, and cannot, comprehend why Facebook exists I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.
Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passersby what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom. I give them pictures of my family, my dog, of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.
I also listen to their conversations, give them the 'thumbs up' and tell them I like them: it works just like Facebook. I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist.
Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passersby what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom. I give them pictures of my family, my dog, of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.
I also listen to their conversations, give them the 'thumbs up' and tell them I like them: it works just like Facebook. I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist.
foroom lluzers
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big john asks Patrick "why are you hanging around me?
Dionstryst D T SAYS " With a big boy like you I would not be surprised"
B J "if the rest of you is as big as that , I am a cat."
Dionstryst D T SAYS " With a big boy like you I would not be surprised"
B J "if the rest of you is as big as that , I am a cat."
Pat494
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The top 15 jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe ( Cringe )
The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe
1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng
2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle
3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle
4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz
5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field
6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons
7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin
8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne
9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel
10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King
11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes
12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff
13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang
14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess
15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine
The award, which was voted on by 2,000 people, lists jokes anonymously to avoid any bias towards well-known comedians.
The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe
1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng
2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle
3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle
4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz
5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field
6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons
7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin
8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne
9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel
10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King
11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes
12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff
13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang
14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess
15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine
The award, which was voted on by 2,000 people, lists jokes anonymously to avoid any bias towards well-known comedians.
piphoe
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A hunter is stalking through the forest when he is suddenly charged by a bear. HE shoots but misses. In seconds, the bear is upon him. It grabs his gun and breaks it in two. It then proceeds to sodomize the hunter.
The hunter is, of course, furious. Two days later he returns to the forest with a brand new high-powered rifle. All day he hunts for the bear, and towards dusk comes across it. As he aims the bear charges. Again the shot goes wide. Again the bear grabs the gun, smashes it to bits and then sodomizes the hunter.
Beside himself with rage, the hunter returns the next day with an AK 47. After another long search he finds the bear, but this time the carriage jams as he tries to shoot the charging animal. Once again the bear breaks apart the weapon and throws it away. But this time, instead of taking the usual liberties, he puts his paws on the man’s shoulders and says, gently: “Let’s be honest with each other. This isn’t really about hunting, is it?”
The hunter is, of course, furious. Two days later he returns to the forest with a brand new high-powered rifle. All day he hunts for the bear, and towards dusk comes across it. As he aims the bear charges. Again the shot goes wide. Again the bear grabs the gun, smashes it to bits and then sodomizes the hunter.
Beside himself with rage, the hunter returns the next day with an AK 47. After another long search he finds the bear, but this time the carriage jams as he tries to shoot the charging animal. Once again the bear breaks apart the weapon and throws it away. But this time, instead of taking the usual liberties, he puts his paws on the man’s shoulders and says, gently: “Let’s be honest with each other. This isn’t really about hunting, is it?”
D
Dowser
A hunter is stalking through the forest when he is suddenly charged by a bear. HE shoots but misses. In seconds, the bear is upon him. It grabs his gun and breaks it in two. It then proceeds to sodomize the hunter.
The hunter is, of course, furious. Two days later he returns to the forest with a brand new high-powered rifle. All day he hunts for the bear, and towards dusk comes across it. As he aims the bear charges. Again the shot goes wide. Again the bear grabs the gun, smashes it to bits and then sodomizes the hunter.
Beside himself with rage, the hunter returns the next day with an AK 47. After another long search he finds the bear, but this time the carriage jams as he tries to shoot the charging animal. Once again the bear breaks apart the weapon and throws it away. But this time, instead of taking the usual liberties, he puts his paws on the man’s shoulders and says, gently: “Let’s be honest with each other. This isn’t really about hunting, is it?”
Good one Pip. We just need to replace the word 'Hunter' with 'Trader', 'Rifle' with 'Latest winning strategy' and the word 'Bear' with 'Mr Market' and then I think it's something we can all relate to.
Pat494
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Civilization in 2017d- this is priceless!!! WELCOME to 2017
� Our Phones - Wireless
� Cooking - Fireless
� Cars - Keyless
� Food - Fatless
� Tires -Tubeless
� Dress - Sleeveless
� Youth - Jobless
� Leaders - Shameless
� Relationships - Meaningless
� Attitudes - Careless
� Babies - Fatherless
� Feelings - Heartless
� Education - Valueless
� Children – Mannerless
We are-SPEECHLESS,
Government-is CLUELESS,
And our Politicians-are WORTHLESS!
� Our Phones - Wireless
� Cooking - Fireless
� Cars - Keyless
� Food - Fatless
� Tires -Tubeless
� Dress - Sleeveless
� Youth - Jobless
� Leaders - Shameless
� Relationships - Meaningless
� Attitudes - Careless
� Babies - Fatherless
� Feelings - Heartless
� Education - Valueless
� Children – Mannerless
We are-SPEECHLESS,
Government-is CLUELESS,
And our Politicians-are WORTHLESS!
piphoe
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Even better! :clap:
foroom lluzers
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