Best Thread Joke of the day
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Atilla
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Something to brighten up your day
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.
The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
The wife was
counting all the 5p's and 10p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the **** in the last
48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
A teddy bear is working on a building site.
He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.
The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
The wife was
counting all the 5p's and 10p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the **** in the last
48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
A teddy bear is working on a building site.
He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.
PJmarkets702
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excuse me but has anyone seen this sports pick site... Top Market Sports
Is the giveaway they are doing on Instagram legit? Can't be lol
Is the giveaway they are doing on Instagram legit? Can't be lol
D
Dowser
Pat494
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sminicooper
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RYANAIR’S Michael O’Leary walks into a pub selling Guinness at 50p a pint.
He orders a glass. “The glass is £3,” says the barman. “The barstool is £2. It’s a bit small but you can have a bigger one for £4.”
O’Leary is furious. “I want to speak to the manager.” “This is his email address,” says the barman. “Or you can call between 9.00am and 9.01am. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only £1 per second.”
He orders a glass. “The glass is £3,” says the barman. “The barstool is £2. It’s a bit small but you can have a bigger one for £4.”
O’Leary is furious. “I want to speak to the manager.” “This is his email address,” says the barman. “Or you can call between 9.00am and 9.01am. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only £1 per second.”
Last edited:
Pat494
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1. They should never have gotten into such a mess,
2. They could be more considerate to their passengers.
sminicooper
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Quite so .................. and their share price is up 2.5% !
Pat494
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That's raw capitalism in progress, Cutting costs to the bone and not caring about others.
sminicooper
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That may be so ......... but one of the advantages of capitalism is that nobody forces you to travel with Ryanair and you can always go to something more expensive if you want to. That wasn't an option with Aeroflot for most citizens.
Atilla
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Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Jim took a boat out to the middle of the lake,
Paddy stepped out of the boat... And nearly drowned!
Jim just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother . "Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday
so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled blue eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and
ye great-grandfather were all born in December when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August me dear!"
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Jim took a boat out to the middle of the lake,
Paddy stepped out of the boat... And nearly drowned!
Jim just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother . "Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday
so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled blue eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and
ye great-grandfather were all born in December when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August me dear!"
D
Dowser
Paddy needs to get to Dublin but he's hopelessly lost, there's not a soul in sight so he pops into a boozer and asks the landlord 'What's the quickest way to Dublin from here?'.
'Are you walking or driving?' asks the landlord
'Driving!' Paddy replies
'Well that's the quickest way' says the Landlord...
'Are you walking or driving?' asks the landlord
'Driving!' Paddy replies
'Well that's the quickest way' says the Landlord...
D
Dowser
When Hillary Clinton was asked recently if Harvey Weinstein's behaviour was comparable to that of her husband's she replied: 'Close but no cigar!'
D
Dowser
If you get really close to the screen you can see they're actually blue :smart:
Pat494
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This is a vid of two chatbots talking to each other.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mpw_FB2QrjQ&t=184
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mpw_FB2QrjQ&t=184
