Best Thread Joke of the day

String walks into a bar and the bartender says "we don't serve string here". So, the string walks around the block for a while and comes back. The bartender says "hey, aren't you that string I saw earlier." To which the string replies "no, I'm a frayed knot".
 
jalapeno_face_1.jpg
 
You mean an unrealized gain means I have not actaully realized any money.

:-0 :mad:

Say it isn't so.
 
Time to take our annual senior citizen test. - you know who you are as well as some younger upstarts.



Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert.

If you don't use it, you lose it!

Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy, but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.

Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.

The spaces between the questions are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.


1. What do you put in a toaster?













Answer : 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, bread, go to Question 2.




2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?
















Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is overstressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.






3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue House is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?










Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.







4. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales.
In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on. In Swindon, 2 people get off and 4 get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, 3 people get off and 5 people get on. In Carmarthen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven .








Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?

Answer : Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own age? It was YOU driving the bus!! (Go back and look!).




PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

OK . . . Or just go have another glass of wine . . . Nothing will matter in a few hours . . . And you will definitely NOT be driving the bus!!
 
Atilla said:
Time to take our annual senior citizen test. - you know who you are as well as some younger upstarts.



Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert.

If you don't use it, you lose it!

Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy, but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.

Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.

The spaces between the questions are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.


1. What do you put in a toaster?













Answer : 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, bread, go to Question 2.




2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?
















Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is overstressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.






3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue House is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?










Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.







4. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales.
In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on. In Swindon, 2 people get off and 4 get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, 3 people get off and 5 people get on. In Carmarthen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven .








Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?

Answer : Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own age? It was YOU driving the bus!! (Go back and look!).




PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

OK . . . Or just go have another glass of wine . . . Nothing will matter in a few hours . . . And you will definitely NOT be driving the bus!!
Click to expand...

aaah failed on question 4
 
Atilla said:
2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?


Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is overstressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.
Click to expand...

 
PhD board: Thank you for coming to this meeting to discuss your proposal for your thesis for literature.
Student: I propose to write a book covering the works of the Brontes. It will contain all the words used in their books, and contain a cluster of similar words and phrases used in other works by the Brontes. Readers can then be directed to other passages to other works.

PhD: Great proposal. Just one thing. Are you sure you didnt think of this just so you can call it a Bronte-saurus?

(this made me laugh out loud from John Finnemores program)

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b06tvm72
 
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are
my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and
heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her
embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"
 
The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said, "We'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway."

:)
 
A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.

The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.

"Six pence" says the chemist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence" says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the
chemist’s and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.

We'll have a new one."
 
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.......
 
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