Best Thread Joke of the day

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else... One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me screw you. But the girl said NO. Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. "

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.


She responded, "The ******* used coins!"


Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!
 
I was born in a hospital and my parents took me home and I grew up and went to school. I graduated and got a job and got married and had children and now they're grown up and I'm retired and I spend my time reading, gardening, eating, sleeping and taking my medications. :sleep:


:cheesy:
 
Atilla said:
I was born in a hospital and my parents took me home and I grew up and went to school. I graduated and got a job and got married and had children and now they're grown up and I'm retired and I spend my time reading, gardening, eating, sleeping and taking my medications. :sleep:


:cheesy:
Click to expand...

Retirement from being a family and wage slave is the best time of life imho. Take that much dreamed about holiday, buy that weird car, oh yes have fun !! Even have fun putting on the right track young upstart politicians that think they know everything and in fact know so little !

:clap:
 
One for the over 60s

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

:)
 
Pat494 said:
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

:)
Click to expand...



Sounds like my kind of exercise.

Every morning I do something similar as soon as I get out of bed. I raise my hands up in the air and open my mouth as wide as I can - gulping in as much air as I can carry.

I then usually get back into bed and have another 15m snooze. :cool:
 
a man is walking around Belfast in Northern Ireland when another man comes up behind him and puts a gun to his back.

man with the gun asks are you catholic or protestant?

thinking quickly the guy responds - jewish.

the man with the gun says - I must be luckiest arab in Belfast.
 
One of the advantages of getting older. One can listen to the same joke 3 times a week and still laugh.
 
Pat494 said:
One of the advantages of getting older. One can listen to the same joke 3 times a week and still laugh.
Click to expand...

Don't you believe it, Pat. There is a group of "oldies" in the gym that tell each other jokes that must have come out of the ark. All one can do is put on an expression of polite patience and laugh. But it's a laugh that costs me.:(

I don't know what is worse, the joke or the anecdote of past conquests that require comments, such as "Did you?", "What did you do, then?" and "I bet you were a devil, in your younger days!"
 
This is the transcript of the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship
with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:
Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians:
Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians:
No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans:
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE
DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians:
This is a lighthouse. Your call.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
bomb-joke.jpg
 
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He
doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted
handkerchief Will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his
wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes bye and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your
wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the Company another nasty letter of complaint. The next week he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over
your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co
 
tokyojoe said:
:LOL: so wrong.......but !!!!
Click to expand...

Agree. I did have to think about it twice.

I'm sure fellow squaddie's will agree one must maintain humour in the face of adversity.

Helps deal with stress and release tension laughing it off. Don't want to take that kind of sh1t to bed right? Sleep better and more relaxed with a smirk on ones face.

Then do the same again tomorrow and all the other days after.

I salute those guys - true heroes!!! :love::love::love::love:
 
A current jailed terrorist should be forced to defuse the bomb with all his mates standing around to watch.
One false move and it would save the over burdened taxpayers a load of money keeping them in comfort for the next 30 years.
 
A woman and her boyfriend are out for New Years having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.

After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys and a shot of lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.

"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it .... in one second the sharp lime taste hits... at two seconds the Baileys curdles... at three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink.

When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend.

She smiles widely at him and says, "So, how did you like it? It's called Blow Job's Revenge!"
:LOL:
 
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