Best Thread Joke of the day

Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of humus and Taramasalata. It's a double dip recession.

63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning. It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed. The police are blaming AL IKEA

Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco. Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to vacuum the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest, I only intended to rough him up a bit.

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate. When I said white, they gave me a lecture on the benefits of
brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots......Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.

Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both are in hospital...... One's in a korma....... The other's got a dodgy tikka.

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, never mind the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
 
image008.jpg

Some asshole poured fabric softener in the bird bath...
 
Enoch's fishing by the canal and his mate Ely comes up and says, er, "Have you caught anything?" He says, "I caught a whale." He said, "Where is it?" He said, "I threw it back." He said, "You caught a whale and you threw it back, why?" "Hadn't got any spokes in it . . . "
 
There's this sort of reunion, as the Seventies and glam rock's becoming fashionable, and he goes to a costumier and says, "I can't--" you know, "I've thrown out all me old gear, my hat and everything; I can't remember what I wore," and the fellow says, "Oh, well, we'll give you some loons. You have--" "Oh, yeah, I wore loons. That's right." So he puts the loons on and says, er, "And one of them tank tops, do you want?" "Oh, yeah, I'll have a tank top." And the fellow says, "What about a kipper tie?" And Noddy says, "Oh! Thanks, yeah! Milk, no sugar!"
 
For those with a good sense of humor...


Answering machine
message,
"I am not available right now,
but
thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making
some changes in my life.
Please leave a message
after the beep.
If I do not return your
call,
you are one of the
changes."

:whistling
 
Ive heard the UK and USA are in a race to see how bad they can make their country's. The UK have taken an early lead but its understood that the USA have a Trump card.

(PS im not trying to start a brexit argument - its purely a joke)
 
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