Best Thread Joke of the day

[barjon]

A chap and his wife were awakened at three o'clock in the morning by a thunderous banging on the front door. After much urging from his wife the man went down and with great trepedition opened the door.

A drunk was standing there weaving about and slurred "Hi, can you help me I need a push".

"You must be joking," said the man "You're drunk. It's bloody three o'clock in the morning and it's pissing down. Sod off"

The man returned upstairs and reported to his wife. "That was very unchristian of you" she said " remember how that kind couple helped us out late at night when we had trouble. I think you ought to help him"

With great reluctance the guy went back downstairs, opened the door and shouted "OK, I'll help and give you a push. Where are you?"

"Over here on the swing" came the reply.

 

[Dick Lexic]

My wife being the romantic sort, just sent me a
text.............


"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile."

"If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you xx."




I replied........"I am having a ****. What should I do?"

 

[Pat494]

Have You Ever Danced?



An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels, which never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No, sir..... but... I've always wanted to."


There are lessons here:
-Never be arrogant.

-Don't waste ammunition.

-Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

-Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

-Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.


I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?

 

[15 min tlb]

OLD FART wants to scam noobs , he comes to t2w and pretends to be a trader.He pup pup puh
posts the usual crap , I am a professional trader etc Most scammers claim to be professional traders.

He ends up pretending to write jokes and pretends to be a trader.He had garlic and onions for dinner and removes scaling in the morning.In the morning in trading time , he looks to be a beaver in trading.

 

[GumRai]

OLD FART wants to scam noobs , he comes to t2w and pretends to be a trader.He pup pup puh
posts the usual crap , I am a professional trader etc Most scammers claim to be professional traders.

He ends up pretending to write jokes and pretends to be a trader.He had garlic and onions for dinner and removes scaling in the morning.In the morning in trading time , he looks to be a beaver in trading.

???????
Have you had a few beers too many?

 

[Dick Lexic]

i want some of that beer!!!!

 

[15 min tlb]

???????
Have you had a few beers too many?

When you have alcohol ,it controls you and your brain and lets you release live jokes , jokes that one sees all day.Try some of it , and maybe somebody can release the jokes on the wife , jokes that one desperately tries not to release.

Give it a try ,if brave enough , because alcohol gives you balls.

 

[GumRai]

When you have alcohol ,it controls you and your brain and lets you release live jokes , jokes that one sees all day.Try some of it , and maybe somebody can release the jokes on the wife , jokes that one desperately tries not to release.

Give it a try ,if brave enough , because alcohol gives you balls.

I have done extensive research on this subject
My findings so far indicate that the more beers I consume, the funnier I think I am.
However, I feel that this may not be conclusive, so I intend to forward test in real time to see if beer consumption does actually make me funnier.
I will concentrate on only drinking between 6PM and midnight as backtesting shows that drinking at other times tends to make me sleepy and not funny at all.

 

[Pat494]

I have done extensive research on this subject
My findings so far indicate that the more beers I consume, the funnier I think I am.
However, I feel that this may not be conclusive, so I intend to forward test in real time to see if beer consumption does actually make me funnier.
I will concentrate on only drinking between 6PM and midnight as backtesting shows that drinking at other times tends to make me sleepy and not funny at all.

Drunks think they are being funny but usually in reality they are not, as far as others are concerned. They are wasting money on something that has ruined many a life. In moderation is fine but to excess then trouble is generated. Never been accosted by drunks in the street ? When a handout is refused they get abusive and even violent.

 

[GumRai]

Pat,
did you not realise that my post was tongue in cheek and not meant to be serious?

 

[Pat494]

Pat,
did you not realise that my post was tongue in cheek and not meant to be serious?

Sometimes difficult to tell on these boards. I will try and remember that you are a master of sarcasm.

 

[15 min tlb]

Drunks think they are being funny but usually in reality they are not, as far as others are concerned. They are wasting money on something that has ruined many a life. In moderation is fine but to excess then trouble is generated. Never been accosted by drunks in the street ? When a handout is refused they get abusive and even violent.

The others may find them funny , only if they understand the underlying , that these bunch of lunatics are pretending .Here Jack Nicholson pretends to be insane , but just in for a freebie.The lunatics break out of a state mental institution , and pretend to be professors.

It is quite funny to watch pretenders.

Cinema Verite: One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest - YouTube

 

[15 min tlb]

I have done extensive research on this subject
My findings so far indicate that the more beers I consume, the funnier I think I am.
However, I feel that this may not be conclusive, so I intend to forward test in real time to see if beer consumption does actually make me funnier.
I will concentrate on only drinking between 6PM and midnight as backtesting shows that drinking at other times tends to make me sleepy and not funny at all.

Glad that your research is great.

Alcohol and Sleep - Drinking Alcohol and Sleep

 

[Dick Lexic]

I have done extensive research on this subject
My findings so far indicate that the more beers I consume, the funnier I think I am.
However, I feel that this may not be conclusive, so I intend to forward test in real time to see if beer consumption does actually make me funnier.
I will concentrate on only drinking between 6PM and midnight as backtesting shows that drinking at other times tends to make me sleepy and not funny at all.

next day sore head....not funny

 

[Atilla]

This is no joke but reads like one. Anyway brought a grin to my face...


In my past life as a financial adviser, I once had a very wealthy client who had a simple plan that he wanted me to execute: provide him enough retirement income so that when he reached his 100th birthday, his account would be zero.

I remember going back to him and telling him that with his wealth, we could probably make that happen.

Then I asked him the real question, "Do you truly intend to live to be 100?"

He replied, "You take care of my financial plan and I'll take care of that!"

The smile that he gave me with his response indicated that my job was going to be harder than his job.

How to live to 100

 

[15 min tlb]

Pat and patel buy two tickets on Ryanair , Pat and his customer Patel meet up at a bar before the flight.Patel buys pat an extra Guinness and slips something in it , altogether he had three pints , they don't pay Ryan air's toilet fee .

On the flight Pat runs out of his seat and straight into the loo , with Guinness wetting Pat's thighs and buttocks .He pushes past the Stewardesses and straight in the loo.

He comes back to his seat to find a laxative foil on his seat.Mr Patel says only a paddy would this to his customer. and not think about convenience.

 

[malaguti]

"Send us a photo of where YOU are." announced the newsreader last night.

I think he meant a photo of anyone stranded in the snow on the M6, rather than me doing the wife doggie style giving the peace sign.

 

[dtb2]

2 guys are going to the vasectomy clinic, 1st guy pulls up to pick up his buddy and says Whoa, why are you wearing a tuxedo to the clinic? 2nd guy says, if I's gonna be impotent, I's gonna look impotent!

 

[malaguti]

following the outrage in the UK over the horsemeat in beef burgers, McDonalds in China is now under the spotlight for potentially selling quarter Pandas

 

[malaguti]

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Doubledecker. It was After Eight.
They got off at Quality Street. He asked her name 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole'. She said with a Wispa.
'I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts'. He replied. He touched her creme eggs and put his hand into her Snickers. He fondled her flapjacks and she rubbed his tic tacs. It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight and he shot his chewy centre. But 3 days later his Sherbert Dibdab started to itch. Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he's got ****in Allsorts.